Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

* I HAD TO SHUT OFF THE COMMENTS FOR INSIGHTING A RIOT*

M’kay, I jut want to get the RULES right… So I can / will only smoke 4 cigarettes a day, per this bet,

How it all began:

Me: “Since I am a FIRST timer to the whole concept of quitting at all, (I never even considered quitting before rushing right out and trying to take on the world in a day and be the first to ever quit in a single try) isn’t 4 cigarettes a DAY better than 40? Isn’t that at least a START?”

Applehead: “Better for whom? Cuz I doubt it’s any better for *you*. It’ll be torture for you to stay at four a day for long. You’re just throwing yourself into one constant craving. Seriously, as far as the discomfort involved with that goes, you may as well just quit. And I bet you can’t stay at 4 a day. Yeah! I said it! But hey, good luck to ya!”

Me: “Um yeah, like 4 is so much better than 40! Whatever! But I do like the tell me how it is say it how you feel approach, bring it…”

Applehead: “Actually, this will be a real good test for you. IF you can stay at 4 a day then you don’t really need to quit, huh?
That’s actually a bit of a test that’s used to convince someone whether or not their drinking is alcoholic-type drinking. They tell the drinker to choose a “reasonable” number of drinks – say three or four a day. Then to try to go one month without going over that number of drinks in a day. If they can do that, then they have a bit of control over their drinking. If not, well, they should consider they may have a problem. See, if we could smoke just here and there, or now and then, it wouldn’t be so bad. But the very fact that we can’t do that, means nicotine has control over us. We smoke when we don’t really want to. Like out in the rain or snow, or instead of being with our children, or while people wait for us, or when we’re sick or when we don’t really have the money to burn. Or when someone who loves us (like our children) begs us not to…. So I’d be curious to know, if you were willing to be totally honest, how each day goes for the next month (never mind the SIX MONTHS you plan) staying at or below 4 cigarettes per day. Seriously. I doubt you can do it. It’s not you. It’s the nature of the beast.”

Me: “I LOVE A GOOD BET.. even more I love a DARE. I tend to do things out of SPITE that may just be the perfect way to keep me smoking EXACTLY four… and YES I am willing to be 100% honest. I will totally DIVULGE if I fail!!! I’ll even put it on my blog”

(see bottom “revised” section of earlier post today)

Applehead: “You’re on! I DARE YOU! :)”

Me: “Fine…. Starting…..NOW! You just may be able to kick my ass in to quitting.. I like you! Oh and by the way… I just smoked my FIRST CIGARETTE of the day”

Applehead: “Hey again, So now you’ve gone and smoked the first cigarette of the day…. Pee-uu, girl!! You stink! (he he… just had to throw that at ya…)I’d absolutely loved to kick your ass into quitting!! That would be so cool! I’m sure this little experiment will help you see that 4 a day is not doable for long. And soon – there you’ll be at 20 a day, or God forbid 40! 
But you know, if you keep trying this way and that way and keep it in your mind at any rate – eventually – poof! you’ll quit. 
So I’ve got my eye on you…. I bookmarked your blog. Hang in there. I expect that Mr. Craving will show his ugly ass to you fast and furious – even (well, especially!) smoking just 4 a day! And ya know, if you can pull this off, well, more power to you. I would never in a million years have been able to do that. So throw down! Hang tough. You are gonna have to use all the quit-smoking strategies to do this 4-a-day thing!”

So there IT IS, the BET the DARE of all DARES (other than a triple dog dare)

I did have my 12 noon smoke, and then I had my 437pm drive home smoke. Now I have to make dinner, laundry, blah blah, but I will POST when I smoke my next BUTT. (as promised (see bottom “revised” section of earlier post today)

THERE IS JUST ONE….Question….. can I smoke HALF of one and the other HALF of that same one later ON….and count that as ONE CIGARETTE?

Just checkin’ and yes… I am a wise ass, have you not noticed that?

By the way, FOR “KAR”…..yes I am still wearing the patch, (that will NOT stick to my skin) with the mailing labels for large envelopes from work, that will also now NOT.STICK.TO.MY.SKIN

Sigh

*
CIGARETTES OF THE DAY:

1200-pm
437- pm
1030-pm
1200-am

* I HAD TO SHUT OFF THE COMMENTS FOR INSIGHTING A RIOT*

Thanks for all the comments, emails, ass rippings, support and inspiration from the members over on the Qnet.

But I will argue forever that 4 cigarettes a day are better than 40 cigarettes a day.

Yes I made it 5 days, (with no smokes) and I slipped. I am over the guilt. But, OH HELL NO! I wont go through that again, not! right! now! I will follow my “new plan” as that suits me. It’s not that I’ve given up. I haven’t. 4 cigarettes a day, is better than 40 cigarettes a day. (wow that’s starting to sound like a Mantra, 4 is better than 40, 4 is better than 40, 4 is better than 40…wait… now I sound like I AM 4 (years old). I will shut up now. um…. No I wont!) With the help of the patch and hopefully the continued support of Qnet, maybe it wont take six months to get me down to none.

So, since my New Years resolution has been revoked, I need a new one. Okay, here it is. I will FINISH writing MY BOOK by January 2008. (and I will draw again, and more) So there it is. Take it? leave it? love it? hate it?

PS… this comment (well mostly it was the spelling of the words that KILLED me last night) will now and forever be HIJACKED as my own “YA DUM FUX” … Thank you for the best laugh!

Oh… my bad! I almost forgot, I can’t believe I almost ended this post without even a mention of something I have waited for um-like-a-YEAR….

Hello!! to the RETURN of the THE APPRENTICE I love to love and hate the Donald!

And if you click HERE! REALLY CLICK HERE! ON THE WORDS THAT SAY CLICK HERE for a video of my son Justin and his “Apprentice Commercial ? ”
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REVISED: VIA THE COMMENTS OVER ON QNET and a DARE / BET I HAVE GOING, I WILL POST EVER SINGLE CIGARETTE AS I SMOKE THEM ON EACH OF MY BLOG POSTS:
Okay? “Applehead” …I am going to smoke ALOTTED Cigarette NUMBER ONE right now at 12pm on my LUNCH BREAK at WORK!! I will post EVERY ONE, as to SEE if INFACT I can only SMOKE 4 a DAY!!!
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* I HAD TO SHUT OFF THE COMMENTS FOR INSIGHTING A RIOT*

NOT Even with the help of ALL of that.
——————————————————

I took the CHANTIX and I had a very bad reaction to it. I was literally lying on my bathroom floor, praying to g-d to make it stop. I felt like I was on HEROIN. Complete with vomiting and nodding out. As it turns out, Chantix doesn’t bode too well with the 9000000000000000000000 other medications I have to take for my 9000000000000000000000 other problems .

After speaking with my girlfriend JENNIFER, my mother and my doctor, and my BIG SISTER LESLIE…we have all decided on a plan that will suit my body, and my needs.

I will ware the patch, and smoke 3-4 cigarettes a day for the next six months before trying to take the next step. I am still “quitting” only, slower, and at a pace my body / brain / emotions can handle.

My mother was the one to break it to my son, as I did not have the heart or stomach to tell him.

Thankfully, he seems to understand and is even proud of me for continuing the fight.

The last part of the deal is that I will not smoke IN THE HOUSE anymore, and I will not smoke in front of him anymore.

But all of THIS is out of the question:

You can pooo-pooo me, or tell me how “You did it cold turkey” or say shit to me like “You must not be ready…. You must not really want it.” and to that I say…. “FUCK YOU!”

I’m doing the best I can, and that’s pretty damn good

Now… I have to break this to the QNET… wonder if I’ll be ousted? kicked off? yelled at? here goes…….

I don’t even know how it happened. All I know is that it did happen. I am ashamed, and embarrassed to say this. But, I slipped. I made it 5 whole days. And now, I fucked it all up.

It was like as soon as I got home from work and my 10 year old son went off to his fathers for a weekend visitation, I wanted to ‘reward’ myself for a job well done. So what did I do? I fucking smoked! Some reward…lung cancer, emphazema, and death…

I feel terrible. I felt so terrible I couldn’t even get out of bed until 330pm today.

I just laid in bed feeling guilty and wondering, “How am I going to admit to my parents, my son, and even the QNET that I wasn’t strong enough, or smart enough to call for help, or log into the website?”

I am a dumbass.

However, it is another day and I do have the new script for CHANTIX.

(maybe something new will help?)

I am going to have my first cup of coffee, wake the fuck up, read the directions of the new medication, call the 800 number on the purple card that came with the box…..

and THEN…I have to go and “tell on myself”… to my mom and dad, and go reset my “quit-date” in QNET.

CONGRATS to my BIG SISTER LESLIE….9 DAYS!!! As usual, You ROCK!

(“If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself of and try again, try again”…Aliyah)

This is so much harder than I ever anticipated.
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So now that I have had coffee, brushed my teeth washed my face, joined the world again, I have been plagued with the question all damn day…To quit? Or not to quit? Or, another question would be,“Is there a such thing as ‘Rational Smoking’?”

Okay, so I made it five days. Things were good, things were bad, things were hard, I was pissed, things were funny, and then…. I posted a really depressing post that I probably need to delete last night.

And yes, I still feel crappy as all hell that I cheated and smoked Friday night. Thus the “beating myself up” post(s).

But, I’m getting over it. Thanks to the comments and people over on QNET

So I finally looked at the pack of cigarettes… I smoked way less than I thought I had. Which doesn’t make my fuck up any better, but, then again, it kinda-sorta-does. In a “I didn’t smoke that much, so it’s not that bad.” kind of way.

Now here I am, having to do this all over again. Although I haven’t smoked YET today, nor do I know if I will.

Do I really want to quit smoking? Why did I slip?

On the surface, YES. I know I want to quit smoking. I want to live to see my son graduate, get married and have children of his own. Plus, I want to live to do all those things without being attached to an oxygen tank. I want my clothes, house, skin, teeth, and body to smell and feel better.

But I don’t think I can go from 2 packs a day to NOTHING all at once.

Some people can. Some people are cold turkey capable. NOT.ME. (I think the cold-turkey people are absolutely crazy.)

Although its in my possession, I haven’t tried the CHANTIX that people on QNET and other places are RAVING about.

I opened the prescription and saw this (Currently, I am FREAKED OUT)

If you can’t READ it… let me para-phrase the possible side effects:
(yes! I know! smoking! has! WORSE! side effects!… but still….)

Constipation, drowsiness, diarrhea, dry mouth, gas, headache, tender or bleeding gums, nausea, unusual and strange dreams, taste changes, trouble sleeping, or vomiting, vision changes, weight gain, dizziness, joint or muscle pain, stomach pain, yellowing of the skin or eyes, kidney and or liver failure.

Right! Hey, I already have gas, constipation and or diarrhea thanks to Crohn’s disease, like I needs some more stomach issues.

Then it states… IT MAY TAKE SEVERAL MONTHS for this medication to work.

Um… now-this-is-not-so-much-the-magical-pill, I was hoping for.

Several months? Wont I be used to not smoking in several months anyway? Then the medication / makers of the said product want the credit! Fuck you!

I am considering a few different options. Because I think I am making it too hard in myself. It’s like if I say “I’M QUITTING” and I mess up, than I am weak, and useless, and blah blah blah who?needs the extra self abuse? That only makes me want to smoke more.

So, I can either try to do what I did last week all over again (which didn’t work, but I was only using the patch that stuck to everything other than my body)… Start my quit date again and right now. Go and investigate the real website, read the testimonials on Chantix, actaully call the 800 number. And take the new scary pill first thing in the morning. Try not to fail this time around.

Or,

Instead of placing huge amounts of pressure and stress upon myself… start with the cutting down idea of ‘rational smoking.’

This year make my goal to be only to smoke 4 cigarettes a day. Next year 4 cigarettes a month. The following year, 4 cigarettes a year. And finally by year 4, I will be able to quit?

Huh? No…? bad idea?

Okay maybe it wont take 4 years to really quit.

I have no idea what I am going to do.

I sure don’t feel like smoking right now. I have been up and functioning for a good 6 hours without smoking, and I haven’t smoked at all since last night at 2am, for a total of 19 hours all together. That’s a start.

I’m going to take my mind off this topic completely. No more questions. No more confusion. Okay, I messed up. It’s over.

I will spend the rest of my night doing something productive. Read a good book, or read some of my other favorite blogger posts! Take a bath! Watch a movie! Oh I know… DRAW! Yes! Anything! that has nothing to do with smoking!

Thanks for all the support and help!

These people are GREAT! Oh Thank you! Oh THANK YOU!

(The comments HERE are to show anyone else interseted in JOINING QNT, or quitting smoking, how GREAT these people are)