Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

Unless you light your house is ON FIRE.

That’s right. Fire.

Most people I know spend Sunday(s) watching football, drinking beer, eating pizza. Or, sleeping in, watching movies, resting and taking it easy.

Well, not up in here.

I wasn’t even going to write about this, because clearly, I am unfit as a parent, and, I should not be allowed in a kitchen. EVER.AGAIN. (this is WHY we order in, eat out, or have diner at my mom and dads house.)

My son wanted me to heat up some soup and the left over meatball sub for diner. Excellent. Easy! Added bonus, no cooking involved! No problem. ?

I put the soup in microwavable bowl and I put meatball sub in a tin foil wrapper in the toaster oven.

Three minuets ‘til diner would be served. Perfect!

Then, I returned to my sofa, to the middle of the long promised IM conversation.

During my playful banter on the IM, I smelled smoke. Hmm… maybe? I should check that out?

Toaster oven…ON FIRE!

What the fuck do I do?

First I ripped the cord out from the wall. (good job moron, now I was playing with electricity and fire) Then I opened the door to the toaster oven (adding oxygen to the fire, as someone pointed out to me last night, only makes matters worse) and filled the house with white smoke.

Now, I live on the third floor of a well sprinklered building, so, I was concerned that if my smoke detector went off, so would all the sprinklers in my house. (I was not concerned that I was possibly going to die, or that my son was in any danger, oh no….my only concern was that the things in my house would get wet, and that my neighbors would kill me, not the fire.)

Must stop fire, must control smoke, shit….

“JUSTIN… COME HERE! HELP!”

(like a 10 year old has the power / ability to handle fire fighting)

Looking back, I probably should’ve emailed EMERGENCY to the firefighter Dan before taking matters into my own hands…(or called 911, or called my dad, or left the house, or any number of other rational choices.)

but… nooooooo… instead? I start screaming!

“Justin, GET IN HERE!”

(drawing the child closer to the danger)

“You have to open the windows… all of them…”

“Yes, I know it smells like fire, the toaster oven IS on fire, and yes I know its cold, just do it… NOW…”

“While mommy is trying to control the flames, I need you… you gotta grab some towels and swinging them in the air and use anything else to deflect the smoke from heading towards the detectors!!”

We even took out the osculating fan, and aimed it right at the smoke detector, in hopes of stopping the sprinklers from exploding.

(which did work!)

After 10 minutes, hitting the toaster oven with dish rags, and running around breathing through our shirts as masks…the fire put it self out.

But the smoke wouldn’t stop.

So, “genius” that I am, decided to pour water on the still smoking toaster oven.

Here is a little secret I wish I had known yesterday!

water + smoke = waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more smoke.

thick, black, nasty smoke.

more water = more smoke. for hours.

And…that was right after I just finished the 6 ½ hour marathon cleaning of the house to immaculate conditions and smelling fresh of scented candles.

So much for cutting down on my smoke inhalation!

I planned on calling back all of the people I have ignored all weekend, (due to intense manual labor…see scaffolding post on Saturday) and I was all set to do something for myself… but, sorry again, to everyone I blew off…I was too busy putting out a self made fire and creating MORE SMOKE in my house.

Saturday is always errand day. There is a LOT of running around: bank, shopping, dry cleaners, build scaffolding (see below!)kind of day. Saturdays, while not “working” days are always full of work.

But Saturday nights, are always “game night.” Before my son becomes a full fledged teenager that hides in his room, whispers on the phone, and lies to my face, it’s nice to still have this time with him.

Even if – HE ALWAYS – kicks my ass.

After winning that game, hands down, my son looks like a crazed mad man drunk on power:

YUP! Here is the picture of: HIM WINNING / ME LOOSING:

Then, we played connect four, You’d THINK having played this game myself since I was 8 or 9, I had a good chance of winning right?

I was even AHEAD for a while (see my happy face) and see his face that just says, “yeah, right mom… I let you have that one”

BUT NO… I don’t stand a chance against him EVER. Why can’t I beat a 10 year old?

Oh well! At least I got to ware PAJAMAS all day. Even to the store, and the bank, and the dry cleaners. And while dismantling scaffolding.

Now, I am off to watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s. The version WITH Audrey Hepburn

I am slightly trepidatious. as I LOVE the book ( Capote is my all time HERO) and the book is always better than the movie. Always. Sometimes the movie, ruins the book for me. It ruins my images of the characters. The movies are half assed in comparison to books usually. But, I am taking a chance on this one only because it’s Audrey Hepburn.

And, To Kill a Mockingbird with Gregory Peck didn’t crush the book for me… so…. I’ll take my chances.

So I smoked three cigarettes before 11am yesterday, with the bad day and all. (the hair, well… lets just say, I’m glad it’s a new day. but, as you can see, it still requires being tied up and restrained as much as possible.)

No one, not even me, thought I’d make it through the day without failing, or loosing, “the dare.”

But, I didn’t smoke again!!! Until I was on my way home from the GI DOCTORS office.

When I did have that last smoke, I only had HALF because that would leave me the OTHER HALF for after diner. (VIA APPLEHEADS dare. It was her dare, so I agreed to her rules, and she said HALF-n-HALF CAN count as ONE cigarette.)

So, even with all the odds against me, I MADE IT, with four cigarettes!! I have to admit, if it WASN’T for that DARE, I would have smoked more.

Before I went to bed I was laying there, thinking, “No one will know? Who cares anyway? Really? What’s the big deal, just have a few drags.” Then I told myself to “shut.the.fuck.up.” (now I have multiple people living in my head, this is nice…it’s like having my very own bad company, that over stays their welcome)

But, the point is… I didn’t! break the rules, or cave, or cheat. I smoked 4 cigarettes.

Now, today kicked!ass!

I was ON time! I finished a ton of stuff! I had good lunch, that didn’t send me into an allergic reaction, or irritate the Crohn’s! freeking MIRICALE!

AND, the best part of today was that I laughed soooo hard . At myself mostly, but I really laughed.

One of my best friends and I made up this imaginary commercial that cracked my shit up as I wrote it. I would love to post it, but, its waaaay too offensive and all about insurance, no one will get it and others would have me assassinated for it…(will email to personal family / friends)

Time went by so fast it, due to laughing and being crazy busy, that I only had ONE CIGARETTE all damn day.

It was at 230pm.

It is now 907pm. (after this post, I will smoke a second one, but I think that’s IT for today)

In other “news,” I am proud to announce that I have a date!

Yeay! I have a date!

Can you beeeeleeeeeeve it!

AFTER. FIVE. MONTHS!

A DATE!!

with TV.

(yes, that’s right I have hit rock bottom and I am okay with that. It works for me, and I don’t have to shave my legs!)

Anytime there is even the possibility of an Alec Baldwin apperance (YUM!) I cannot be interrupted!! So while drooling over my TV screen, I will not smoke as I am in love with Mr. Baldwin and all his TUDE! (and bloated-sweaty-ness) and the show is pretty good too!

Back on a high note again…whew!

NOW GO… DELURK

I woke up, late! late! late! (I must have forgotten to set my alarm or something.) There’s nothing quite like starting your day off with a complete panic attack, a.k.a the “Oh! shit! factor.”

Justin… “GET UP! NOW! We are FUCKED! Move your little ASS! Get, IN the shower! GO! NOW!”

(my neighbors H-A-T-E me, I am very L-O-U-D to begin with, screaming bloody murder at 815am does not help the situation, I cant even fake being a good tenant anymore)

Damn it… I’m going to be late, again! and just when I was doing soooo good at the office. Fuck me!

Rushing doesn’t make time go any slower, for some reason rushing makes time move faster.

Rushing also causes a really BAD HAIR day. Frizzy, full of static (that wasn’t helped even with using a dryer sheet on my head to control the clinging-ness of it…yes, I used BOUNCE on my HAIR …shuddup… I was desperate.) My hair, which is unmanageable on a good day is currently ½ straight, ½ curly, ½ up, ½ down, sporting a 1982 rocker chick, heavy metal, monster truck show lover look. Hot! Right?!

NO PICTURES of THAT mess!!!

Finally, we are outta the house at the exact same time I was supposed to already be in the office. Great! Plus, now, I have the added travel time because since we have missed the bus by like an hour, I have to drive my son to school.

Me, and my bad hair, threw a breakfast bar at JCH, which he was forced to eat in the car as fast as he could, and then, dropped off the child at school a half hour late into classes. I am a bad mother. (with bad hair.)

The second my son was out of the car, I lit up a cigarette. I smoked that bad boy long and hard, all the way down to the nasty filter.

The second I hit the NJTPK I lit another cigarette. (That’s TWO cigarettes out of my FOUR per-day “dare” / self-inflicted rule within a half hour.)

Speeeeeeeeeeeding down the pike, making really good time, pissed at myself for being late, pissed at myself for already smoking two cigarettes and secretly flipping the fuck out because I have O.C.D. and I left my house without making my bed!

When, I GET PULLED OVER by Mr. State Trooper.

THANK YOU G-D…. he wasn’t one of those NAZI / Trooper types because he took pity on me, and my bad hair, when I cried that I am 10 feet from my office and 10 minuets away from being fired! (which isn’t true, it just sounded good.)

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease Mr. Officer?! Can you have some mercy on me as I am already freeeeeaking out! and my bed isn’t even made!!!

No ticket! WOOT!

At one point during my commute…I thought I was hallucinating. I thought the use of the patch and two quickly inhaled cigarettes MUST be making me crazy…or, maybe all the glue from the scotch tape wads has eaten away at my brain, when I saw white stuff in the air. WTF? What… is that? Is that dirt? Why is it white? Wait…. is it? Is that…. snow? No! Way! It IS! OH MY GOD flurries!!!

One hour late to work, slammed with accounts, I planned on staying an HOUR late to make up for my missed time and catch up on work, when I remembered I have to leave EARLY to go to GI DOCTORS OFFICE for some more test results and a milligram change in medications.

After shooting of this email to my manager:

“I’m sorry I was late, I must’ve forgotten to set my alarm last night. Then while rushing to get here I was pulled over by a St Trooper for SPEEEEEEEEEEEDING, (no ticket thank god, I cried my way out of that one) and I forgot I have to leave at 2pm today because have a GI DOCTORS appointment. SO THIS IS A BAD day for me. I am so ! sorry! I will not be taking a LUNCH at all. Please deduct 1 hour for being late this morning and 2 hours having to leave early, for a TOTAL OF 3 hours today.”

I smoked my THIRD cigarette.

and that was all before 11am.

OKAY, I LIED, I wasn’t going to do this, but I have uncontrollable fingers that type things against my own will…and we are back to smoking and / or NOT SMOKING.

I am proud to say that last night was the first night I actually slept with the patch on.

(I didn’t do that before (sleep with the patch on) because I was afraid to have nightmares. Truly, I do not sleep that well, or that often, so for my limited sleep to be disturbed in any way what-so-ever was something I wasn’t willing to chance as I have a full time job and I am a full time single mother and I require sleep in order to function well for both of my “jobs”)

But, I did it. And guess what? I didn’t have the dreaded nightmares, AND I didn’t wake up wanting a cigarette either!!

I woke up (freezing) but, well rested and not a crave in sight.

When I got in my car heading out to work, I lit one out of habit. (as soon as I buckle my seat belt I push in the cigarette lighter) then, I threw it right out the window… not.ONE.drag!!!

I jumped on the NJTPK and I still didn’t want one. I didn’t even have to do the “trick my self” into thinking I will smoke, or force myself to wait…. “I won’t smoke until I get to exit 8, now I won’t smoke until I get to exit 9, not till exit 10…”

I just didn’t smoke, or even think about it. (Maybe it’s because I was so distracted by the new Madonna Confessions tour CD, that I am IN LOVE WITH) added bonus, there was NO TRAFFIC today! (where were all the people? was there some kind of holiday? a national call out sick day? did I miss out?)

So…. I made it into work… safe and sound and smoke-free.

1st crave hit about 10am. Denied it! with LIFESAVERS (yes, irony also works for me.. not just sarcasm and dares)

Damn it wish I took a picture of that roll of savers before eating all of them in an hour!! Would look PERFCCT HERE…damn!

2nd crave hit at noon (as always). So, for lunch, I had lollipops at my desk to avoid going outside where the smokers prowl

3rd crave hit about 345pm, after demolishing a good 15 accounts on my desk. I was determined to ignore it. But, I was not as successful. I smoked HALF of a CIGARETTE.

So, I said, to myself, it’s OKAY… it’s OKAY…..Just go back to the pops….(white stick in my mouth)

4th crave hit quicker 445pm, on the drive home… shit, another lollipop in mouth and seriously sugar coated teeth, now,,,, where’s that CD?… fuck! where IS that CD? not gunna smoke, not gunna smoke… okay, here’s A CD… fine….

Oh …. right! THIS is why I love RAP music!! It’s half past close to impossible to be depressed when MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY is playing in your car. (an oldie but a goodie) It’s even better if you sing a rap song as if it was an opera-church-choir-tone of voice. (but I’d have to do that in person to demonstrate how its done and there is no way in hell I’ll YOU TUBE to post here that kind of thing!!)

I didn’t smoke in the car and I made it home, safe and sound and smoke free

It’s now 7:50pm and I have only had HALF A CIGARETTE.

As opposed to the 4 I am currently “allotted.”

Now that is PROGRESS bitches!

Then…. GUESS WHERE I GOT TO GO TODAY? GUESS!

YUP! That’s right! My favorite place in the whole wide world. The worst fucking pharmacy ever.

But I have figured out a much more effective way of obtaining prescriptions after the last 5 other posts about the countless hours waiting in the parking lot, 75 trips back and fourth and the headaches.

I called in my refill at 8am, and the automated person requests what time you’d like to pick up your medication, so … I faked them out. I said 330pm, damn well knowing I wouldn’t be there until well after 6pm. And it WORKED. I gave them 10 hours to refill one script! 10 HOURS, that’s the KEY! IT WAS READY WHEN I GOT THERE! Yeay!

However, the lady in the car next to me was having HER first Wallgreens experience. so-not-happy! She was flipping out! Much like I have been forced to do!

I promise you this, one day, and it may not be one day soon, but it will happen. Walgreens will have made one too many people wait for 3 or more consecutive hours in a parking lot, missing insurance information, computers crashing, and send people on wild goose chase chores to kill time when someone or someone(s) will just snap.

I can see it now, the next time I go to pick up my prescriptions, the lady in the drive up window will have to tell me I need to wait

“Ma’am, I am sorry, but we’ve just been attacked by an angry mob of people, our computers have been smashed, now that the stabbings have stopped we have people bleeding back here, and we seem to have been looted out of all the good meds, its gunna take like seven to ten days to refill this one. Can you come back another time, oh, and call 911.”

why don’t they just put an ADD in the PAPER and HIRE HELP?