Dear New Jersey Turnpike
I give up. You win. I will never beat you.
I have considered moving in order to avoid you all together. But everywhere I go, there you are. And since there is no way for me to steer clear of you, it’s time for us to reach some sort of agreement. Please stop trying to tempt me into playing that wicked game of forced rapid lane changes. I will lose every time, as you have proven once again. After doing battle with you every day, twice a day, for six years now, you still find ways to outfox me.
I will never figure out how you managed to lure me in yesterday. Maybe it was those fresh painted lines? They cover your cracks so well. I forgot all about your infinite wisdom. You fooled me with those sexy wide-open lanes. You did an excellent job of manipulating me into believing I could trust you.
Alas, it was nothing more than your heartless trickery that provided me little to no traffic for a cool 10 miles. I actually had a sense of peace and silence in my head. It reminded me of the early days when we first met. Back when driving on you, complete with my windows down and music playing on my console, was all the glorious sense of freedom I needed.
For a moment, dare I say, it was nice?
Then WHAM!
You Slut.
You hit me. And right where it hurt. With your ever-so conquering: ‘Brick Wall Of Traffic’.
I must admit it was a well-executed plan. You knew I was too far past my ‘escape exit’ to save myself. You must have noticed I’ve been using that secret alternate route. You must have been planning this for weeks, watching my every move, plotting for the perfect time to unleash your revenge. You sure are a crafty one.
When you caught me, you held me tight in your grip. And then, you really made me pay. You betrayed me and snuck behind my back for the feel-good-quickie including a 13 mile back up, a four-car pile-up, with an over-turned dumpster, to boot. You might be an old lady, but you’re still a mighty strong mother fucker when you want to be.
There was no hope to be had. I was stuck in that mess for the long haul. I couldn’t even make my famous take-a-fast-ride-on-the-shoulder-move because you are under construction.
What a surprise.
You Whore.
It took 49 minutes to travel 3 miles.
Not. Cool.
As I sat in my car, practically parked, I watched the clock tick slower than on any other day. Time actually stood still. I thought about seeking my own revenge upon you. I tried to figure out ways to break up with you right then and there. I contemplated turning in my EZ-Pass in search of a strictly back road pathway to reach my journey’s end. I pondered all of ways I could cheat on you with the Garden State Parkway. However, your vast body made up of tar and asphalt covers 99.9% of the state.
When it was all said and done, the painstaking crawl, moving inch by inch, every inch that you made me beg for, that’s when you showed me just how tough you really are. After I finally saw those big blinking lights greeting me at the bottom of the exit ramp I realized you have the nerve to charge people money at the tolls? Instead, you should be serving hard liquor or handing out free prizes to those of us who actually made it to our destination exit.
I can’t play with you anymore, not like I used to. It was fun while it lasted, but I surrender. You have beaten me into submission. I will not expect to get to work or home on time again. EVER!
*I am participating in this 30-Day-Photo-Challenge.
Along with these fine people:
Ziva
Mike WJ
Nicky and Mike
Mo
Nonamedufus
Bryan
Mariann
Malisa
Nora
LaughingMom
Tanya
Elizabeth A.
00dozo
Cheryl
Kristen
Katherine
Oh yes, I lived in CA for 5 years.
They suck too!
OY VEY!
No thanks!
Oy vey!
No thanks!
The only thing worse than being stuck in traffic when it’s snowing is also needing to go to the loo. Blimey! 49 minutes to travel 3 miles? I couldn’t stand it!
Yikes.
Now THAT sounds REALLY bad!
You have me practically crying with laughter Meleah — I swear to god this is cracking me up!! This particular line, “You Whore.” is like the icing on the cake. I’m totally pimping this post out on Twitter and FB. I understand the misery of the NJ Turnpike; it deserved to be read this post on a daily basis.
Dr. C sent me..This is great…I love the Ohio Turnpike when I do drive it..But one day she got me as well. Busy that night with people going home from the Browns Game back to Toledo..I needed to use the restroom but thought “no problem I’ll go at the one that’s only 10 miles away once I get off the turnpike”…No sirree…she fucked me up majorly. Some car decided that with a slight engine problem they’d pull off the road..but no..not a slight problem..big boom..shut down the highway with no exit ramp in sight and the bathroom 5 miles back and 5 miles forward..I sat on the shoulder, because that’s where we were all forced to go to let the firetrucks by, envying the semi trucks who at least have some way to go pee if stuck in this situation…I also wished I was a guy so I could do what about 10 other drunk guys did and pee on the side of the road…We literally parked our cars and turned them off for 2 hrs. People were actually out walking around and having beer together…I sat in my car in agony just praying that my bladder wouldn’t explode.
I feel for you…it’s not like my once in a life time ordeal…you have a nightmare like that with traffic everyday.
Oh yay!! Thank you, Doc!!
I’m so happy you laughed that hard reading this.
Awesome.
Oh man! That’s brutal.
Being stuck like that, and having to pee = TORTURE!
Like any one actually like traffic jams!! They are worse when you are in blazing heat or in the torrential rainfall.
totes
Sucks. But this is so funny. I’m going to start calling my commute whore. Thank you.
HA! You’re welcome!
Pingback: 30 Days Of Photographs: Round Up — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
Pingback: 65 Shades of Yellow — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
Pingback: Have You Seen Me, Lately? — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa