Dear New Jersey Turnpike
I give up. You win. I will never beat you.
I have considered moving in order to avoid you all together. But everywhere I go, there you are. And since there is no way for me to steer clear of you, it’s time for us to reach some sort of agreement. Please stop trying to tempt me into playing that wicked game of forced rapid lane changes. I will lose every time, as you have proven once again. After doing battle with you every day, twice a day, for six years now, you still find ways to outfox me.
I will never figure out how you managed to lure me in yesterday. Maybe it was those fresh painted lines? They cover your cracks so well. I forgot all about your infinite wisdom. You fooled me with those sexy wide-open lanes. You did an excellent job of manipulating me into believing I could trust you.
Alas, it was nothing more than your heartless trickery that provided me little to no traffic for a cool 10 miles. I actually had a sense of peace and silence in my head. It reminded me of the early days when we first met. Back when driving on you, complete with my windows down and music playing on my console, was all the glorious sense of freedom I needed.
For a moment, dare I say, it was nice?
Then WHAM!
You Slut.
You hit me. And right where it hurt. With your ever-so conquering: ‘Brick Wall Of Traffic’.
I must admit it was a well-executed plan. You knew I was too far past my ‘escape exit’ to save myself. You must have noticed I’ve been using that secret alternate route. You must have been planning this for weeks, watching my every move, plotting for the perfect time to unleash your revenge. You sure are a crafty one.
When you caught me, you held me tight in your grip. And then, you really made me pay. You betrayed me and snuck behind my back for the feel-good-quickie including a 13 mile back up, a four-car pile-up, with an over-turned dumpster, to boot. You might be an old lady, but you’re still a mighty strong mother fucker when you want to be.
There was no hope to be had. I was stuck in that mess for the long haul. I couldn’t even make my famous take-a-fast-ride-on-the-shoulder-move because you are under construction.
What a surprise.
You Whore.
It took 49 minutes to travel 3 miles.
Not. Cool.
As I sat in my car, practically parked, I watched the clock tick slower than on any other day. Time actually stood still. I thought about seeking my own revenge upon you. I tried to figure out ways to break up with you right then and there. I contemplated turning in my EZ-Pass in search of a strictly back road pathway to reach my journey’s end. I pondered all of ways I could cheat on you with the Garden State Parkway. However, your vast body made up of tar and asphalt covers 99.9% of the state.
When it was all said and done, the painstaking crawl, moving inch by inch, every inch that you made me beg for, that’s when you showed me just how tough you really are. After I finally saw those big blinking lights greeting me at the bottom of the exit ramp I realized you have the nerve to charge people money at the tolls? Instead, you should be serving hard liquor or handing out free prizes to those of us who actually made it to our destination exit.
I can’t play with you anymore, not like I used to. It was fun while it lasted, but I surrender. You have beaten me into submission. I will not expect to get to work or home on time again. EVER!
*I am participating in this 30-Day-Photo-Challenge.
Along with these fine people:
Ziva
Mike WJ
Nicky and Mike
Mo
Nonamedufus
Bryan
Mariann
Malisa
Nora
LaughingMom
Tanya
Elizabeth A.
00dozo
Cheryl
Kristen
Katherine
Oh yes, there’s nothing worse than being stuck in traffic. Except maybe being stuck in traffic while it’s snowing… 😉
Amen, sister friend. Amen.
Luckily where we live, traffic isn’t bad, but we used to live near Philadelphia and could relate then to what you’re picturing. It was horrible.
Oh, I so get this one!! But to tell the truth, when I saw this picture I actually started to laugh. The first thing I noticed was the sign for Exit 10 which made me think of 10A, 10B, 10C and the fact that exit 8A comes BEFORE exit 8 and how confusing that is to crazy Canadians!! 🙂
You hate traffic signs? 🙂 Seriously though, I don’t mind the traffic as much as I mind the stupid people (I hate people, Nicky) who are driving those other cars.
I think that might be the most perfect example of this “hate” catagory. I am surprised that it isn’t being stuck in traffic on a bridge, though. I know how you hate bridges.
YES!!! And especially when you are in a construction zone- which around here is pretty much any road- any year – forever.
Traffic & The NJTPK. UGH!!!!!!!!
Stupid highway. Stupid traffic.
Well, you and Kim should be familiar with this WHORE of a highway.
The New Jersey Turnpike.
YES!! Nicky!
It’s a miracle you survived the NJTPK!
Other drivers suck.
Bridges = SHUDDER!!!!!!
I’m not that familiar with it, but I know Kim was…sadly…very sadly.
And you need a wee.
Hate. That. Highway.
I also hate traffic. It’s hard to explain why, but I think it has something to do with me wanting to drive 90 mph everywhere I go when everybody else seems to want to drive 20 mph. Sure, I understand that driving fast is not only dangerous but also wastes gas, and yet I don’t care. If God didn’t want us to drive 90 mph, then we’d still be driving Model T Fords, which apparently had a top speed of about 45 mph, if your backseat was filled with lead and you were going downhill on a paved road, which they didn’t have back in those days. Instead, in His infinite wisdom, he gave us cars capable of doing 160 mph, and then allowed us to build piece-of-shit highways like the New Jersey Turnpike. Sometimes, frankly, I question His existence as a result.
🙂
Exactly, MWJ. Exactly.
When Alex is home, he has a 100 mile round trip commute every day from Alameda to South San Jose. It can take as little as 50 minutes, or 3 hours each way, depending on traffic. Fortunately, he’s in a very comfortable car with a great sound system and every gadget known to man. He relaxes and thanks his lucky stars he’s doing this in Northern California and not in Afghanistan. It’s much better here.
100 miles ROUND TRIP every day?
Holy crap.
Alex is amazing.
Wow, there’s almost as many words here as there are cars on the highway! 🙂 You hit the nail on the head, Meleah. I think we all hate being stuck in traffic. And you know you’re going to be stuck there awhile when all the cars in front of you have their brake lights on.
I’m from Exit 2. You really need to come to Slower Jersey. You’ll be more peaceful. And its cheaper.
I hate traffic (not that fond of the Jersey Turnpike either).
So frustrating!
Agreed!!!!!!!!!
Fuck ?em both!
This is one of the reasons I love living in the city, I haven’t driven a car in over 18 years! I love the fact that you called the Turnpike a whore! Way to turn hate into hilarity!
amusing read, sorry and uh, welcome to new jersey. well okay you live here, but still it only feels like this stuff happens in NJ. turnpike is always like this especially around exit 8 where the trucks and cars merge again. looks like it started way before then. stupid traffic.
There is nothing worse than the NJ Turnpike. Even our summer touron traffic that gets backed up for 15 or 20 miles every Friday through Sunday both north and southbound doesn’t compare to any time spent on NJ’s pike from hell.
I’ve never been to NJ but can empathize with the frustrations of traffic. Your open letter to Ms. NJP (and I’m assuming that she is a female since you called her a “whore”), together with your visual proof of her complete lack of respect for the concept of travel time, could serve as a template for frustrated motorists everywhere that wish to express their disdain for the vehicular immobility imposed by their respective highways and byways.
Fun!
😉
“You should be serving hard liquor” That is great LOL Oh, I felt your pain!
“You might be an old lady, but you’re still a mighty strong mother fucker when you want to be.” LOL!
I have a similar relationship with Interstate 270 over this way. At least here, I don’t have to pay a toll to be miserable.
Mel,
Sucks getting stuck in traffic for hours, no end in sight, no where to get off, no where to pee and you have to PAY for the experience. I’ve had a few run ins with the NJTPK and I like your idea of serving liquor at the exit toll booths (maybe at the entrance booths as well). At least you could get something to enjoy your ride. Plus that’d be a great way to raise revenue.
If you ever wander this far south, I can assure you that most of our toll roads ain’t not quite as bitchy (except in Austin).
AHHHHH! I’ve never driven on it. And don’t plan on doing it any time soon. Oh mannnnn!
Haha, god, I LOVE this post. I’ve loved it since you originally posted it. I think of it EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I’m forced to drive it.
I SO feel your pain! I have a 50 mile commute one way to work. Most times I am able to avoid the traffic, but the construction these days has been awful! I’m so afraid that one day I will get “hit where it hurts” by my interstate, that I’ve actually been leaving 2 hours before my start time to ensure I am not late. I hate having to revolve my life around traffic and the interstate. Good choice choosing this as the picture for this category. 🙂
She IS a whore!
Oh I HATE the Merge, Val.
HATE IT.
And of course the exit to MY HOUSE is AFTER the friggen merge.
That’s what I am saying!!
Worst. Highway. Ever.
It could be the worst east coast highway. I’d have to vote for the highways in LA County as the worst in the country. Parking lots 24/7.
Thank you, 00dozo!
Thank you very much.
Damn that highway!
Ugh!
You’re lucky you don’t have to pay a toll after suffering!
Seriously.
I am 100% ANTI drinking & driving.
EXCEPT for when you’re on the NJTPK!
Steer clear of the NJTPK at all costs!
My hubby has an 80 mile round trip every day – for the last 24 years. Sometimes traffic is bad, but the trip usually takes an hour – door to door.
I’m with you on the traffic thing.
Thank you, Nik!
I figured since this story FINALLY had a photo to accompany it, I might as well repost the story along with today’s theme & the picture!
Try moving 1km in 3 hours when stuck in a traffic block that goes on throughout the city all because some stupid political party arseholes decided to stage a big protest/meeting and their members & followers from all over the state descended into your hometown in as many vehicles as possible and now the roads are filled!
Thank you, Shadow!
I figured this would be relatable to everyone!
🙂