For those of you who may have missed it on Facebook, I had a rather interesting morning the other day. And since I am totally out of practice as to how to write a real blog post, I will attempt to present the events of my morning numerically. Also, this day will go down in my personal history as “The Worst Morning, EVER.”
1. I woke up entirely too early.
2. Rubbed my eyes until I was conscious.
3. And inhaled massive amounts of coffee.
4. Reluctantly, followed “The Parents” to the middle of blue-fuck-nowhere and dropped off my mom at the local horse farm where she volunteers. And totally ignored the fact that we were well outside any type of mapable location.
5. My father followed me to drop off my car at the repair shop. Only to endure a 45 minute ride, riddled with: crazy construction, half built overpasses, and douche bag dump trucks hurling down the road at lightning speeds. Meanwhile, smoke poured from the hood of my car, it smelled like it was burning, and water is leaked from the dashboard onto the passenger floor. Plus, my driver side tire was super low. Therefore, the whole time I drove, I worried that my car was going to explode, or my tire was going to explode. Either way, I would go careening off the half built overpass and die a tragic death.
6. Survived harrowing car ride.
7. Dropped off my car at repair shop.
8. Got into my dad’s car.
9. Drove with him to his office and dropped him off – the very same office where I used to work for seven years. At which point I realized my morning coffee had “kicked in” and I needed to pee. BADLY. However, I hadn’t showered, I’m wasn’t wearing any makeup, and I only had three hours of sleep. I did not want to see any of my former co-workers so going into the building was NOT an option.
10. I hid behind my enormous Jackie O. sunglasses.
11. And, hightailed it out of there.
12. I completely forgot that morning commuters drive like total animals, especially on that whore of a highway, also known as the New Jersey Turnpike. And then I said, “Hello!” To a five-mile back-up and four-car pile-up.
13. And then I cried.
14. And I still really needed to pee.
15. I got lost – WHERE I’VE LIVED ALL MY LIFE – after taking the WRONG exit on the NJTPK.
16. Eventually, I found my way back to somewhat familiar territory.
17. And then I Celebrated.
18. But then I remembered my mother was well outside any type of mapable location. And I had no idea how to find her.
19. And then I freaked out.
20. I heard a strange and unnerving sounds coming from the air-conditioner inside my father’s car.
21. So I shut off the air conditioning.
22. And, opened all of the windows.
23. And I still really, really, really needed to pee.
24. Miraculously, I recalled the directions from earlier that morning, which would hopefully lead me to my mother.
25. But, I missed the left turn.
26. And that’s exactly when I began cursing the day.
27. I banged a K-Turn in the middle of a busy road, regardless of oncoming traffic.
28. And yelled.
29. And prayed for a miracle.
30. Fortunately, a miracle was granted.
31. I arrived alive.
32. And a sweaty mess.
33. And, I still … really, really, really, really, needed to pee.
34. Then I waited impatiently in the parking lot. Mostly because no one told me the exact time I was supposed to pick up my mom. And had I known, I probably could have found the time to locate a respectable restroom to relieve the building bladder pressure.
35. I texted my mom – but there was no reception.
36. I called my mom – but there was no reception.
37. Unexpectedly, a gigantic horse fly [the size of my head] swooped inside the car.
38. I screamed like a terrified little girl.
39. And jumped out of the car.
40. I darted my eyes rapidly, to see if anyone was staring at me. Luckily no one was there.
41. I texted my mom, again – still no reception.
42. I called my mom, again – still no reception.
43. While standing in the parking lot, I believed I would actually pee in my pants.
44. And then I wondered if my kidneys would burst.
45. I ran toward the main office.
46. Located an employee.
47. Asked for my mother.
48. AND a restroom.
49. Finally. A bathroom.
50. I opened the lid.
51. And made a horrifying discovery.
52. Slammed the lid closed.
53. Decided to “sweat it out” rather than use that scary, rusted, disgusting, bowl.
54. Wondered why the hell these people have never heard of LIME-A-WAY®
55. Ran back to the car.
56. Called my mom, again and again – still no reception.
57. Texted my mom, again and again – still no reception.
58. And I still really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, needed to pee.
59. Suddenly, my mom appeared out of NOWHERE, scaring the shit out of me.
60. Along with a little pee.
61. After she got into the car, we hightailed it out of there.
62. I broke every single traffic and driving laws, by speeding, and, using the median as a ways to cut other people off.
63. Thankfully, I made it back home. Just in the knick of time.
64. Then, I destroyed my own bathroom.
65. And collapsed.
* I left my house at 8am. And didn’t return until 1pm.
And that, my friends, is what I call a rough morning.
Please tell me about the worst morning you’ve ever had!
If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds