Once upon a time, there was a girl named Melody.
She has reddish-brown hair and big brown doe eyes. She lives at home with her loving parents and her teenage son. She spends most of her time inside of her pretty purple paradise, wearing comfy cozy pajamas, reading blogs, working on her novel, smoking Newport 100’s, drinking coffee, and excessively ‘liking’ other people’s updates on Facebook.
Melody is a dedicated mother, daughter, and friend. She enjoys her the role as the Family Historian/Paparazzi, making movies, playing Golf, Words With Friends, and Bejeweled Blitz. Melody also has extensive Food Allergies, Lupus, Sjogren’s, and Crohn’s Disease. But none of her ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ could have possibly prepared her for the nightmare she was about to face.
One day, out of the clear blue sky, something awful happened to Melody. It was something so terrible she vowed she would never to tell another living soul. However Melody can’t keep a secret to save her fucking life. And she had to tell someone. So, she called her very best friend, otherwise known as Annie The Barber. Melody was fairly certain that she is the only woman on the face of the earth to ever go through such a horrific experience.
But she was wrong.
After speaking with Annie The Barber, Melody was surprised to discover her best friend knew another woman who had gone through the very same thing. Within a matter of days, Melody learned of three other women who had also undergone through this painful ordeal. Melody began to wonder…maybe this situation really isn’t all that uncommon?
However, if it’s never happened to you personally, chances are you’ve never heard about it. And that’s precisely when Melody and Annie The Barber thought about discussing such a Taboo Topic, in a public forum, for several reasons.
At first, Melody resisted. She spent countless nights considering the consequences that might accompany this sort of material. She truly wrestled the pros and cons, because even though she’s been dubbed ‘The Queen of T.M.I.’ she really worried about offending some of her readers.
Eventually, Melody ultimately decided she could and should allow everyone to see behind the proverbial curtain. Because this is the second time it’s happened to her. And, she totally kept her mouth shut the first time around. And, let’s face it. Women have to deal with enough shit alone. Opening a dialog about this subject matter just might help someone else.
WARNING: This post is not for the squeamish. It’s graphic. And it’s gross. Proceed at your own risk, with caution.
One afternoon Melody was happily typing away on her Macbook Pro when she suddenly felt a pinching sensation Down Below. Since Melody ‘manicures’ the Bearded Clam she thought it was probably just an ingrown hair. She applied a small amount of Zinc Oxide and a Band-Aid, before proceeding with the rest of her day.
Much to Melody’s dismay, within twelve hours the pea-sized lump on her Pink Taco lip had swelled up to the size of a hard-boiled egg. And no, that’s not hyperbole.
The welt on her Bejingo became so inflamed she was sure it would burst merely from the pressure. Melody literally wanted to DIE from the excruciating pain. She could not sit. She could not stand. And she definitely could not walk.
With tears streaming down her sweaty face and desperate for relief, Melody begged her mother to take a look at her VaJayJay. And if that wasn’t humiliating enough? After one glance at her Peekachoo, Melody’s mother ran next door to ask the neighbors girlfriend to come look at the wounded area. Said neighbor’s girlfriend had gone through a similar situation a few months back and she might know what to do.
After both women assessed Melody’s Poontang, they realized they had no choice but to go to the Emergency Room. Melody had a high fever and she was vomiting. She never felt so helpless in her whole entire life.
Luckily, the Emergency Room wasn’t too packed and they were able to treat Melody pretty quickly. Of course the OBGYN on-call was a man. But at that point he could have been an alien for all she cared. He promised to stop the agony.
According to the physician, apparently women have what’s called Bartholin Glands. They are located at the entrance to a woman’s vagina, one on each side. They are small and cannot be seen or felt when they are normal. Their function is to secrete fluid onto the mucosal (inner) surface of the labia.
Who knew?
[Seriously, that’s a real question.]
Clearly, Melody’s Bartholin Gland wasn’t doing its’ job. Unfortunately for her it became blocked, thus the gland could not secrete whatever it’s supposed to. Which, in turn, lead to an infection, otherwise known as an Abscess Cyst. And that meant Melody would have to endure minor surgery called “Marsupialization.”
Now, even though Melody was never so happy to sit spread eagle, in stirrups, with a huge spotlight shining on her Broken Box, the actual process is equivalent to mid-evil horrific.
[Hang on to your hats and lunches, people. This is where things get really nasty.]
A Bartholin Cyst Abscess needs to be opened a lá kangaroo pouch style, incised and drained, followed by suturing the incised wall to remain in an opened position, in order for the healing to occur by granulation of the tissue formation from the base of the incision. After being drained, they take a sample of the fluid, to send out for cultures.
And if there was ever an appropriate time to dispense Propofol, this would have been that time. For Christ sakes, they knock a person out at the dentist office. And that’s precisely when Melody wished she was having a root canal instead.
Sadly for Melody, the medical professionals would not sedate her. Instead, Melody had a gigantic needle filled with local anesthesia rammed into her Delicate Flower three different times. And that’s when Melody’s Vahgeena acted like a total Pussy. And not just because Melody is terrified of needles, but because that feeling was worse than giving birth. And she was in labor for 42 hours y’all.
Thankfully, the lidocaine worked immediately and Melody did not feel anything else. Melody cried tears of relief while the doctor stitched her lip back together and wrote out her prescriptions.
After Melody came home and resting comfortably in her bed, the anesthesia wore off. The site of her incision and the stitches felt like a million, hot, burning, stinging, knives – and the area was beating like a heart pulsating. She stayed flat on her back, popping Vicodin like tic tacs — for three days in a row.
Four days after the incident, Melody still couldn’t drive, or stand for too long. And she couldn’t walk more than two steps without looking she suffered a mysterious horseback-riding incident. Melody’s mother drove her to the follow-up visit with her regular doctor. They removed the stitches and three feet of gauze packing from the incision, otherwise that could have gotten infected. And that’s when Melody received the results of the cultures they had taken. On top of everything else, she had a rare strain of a Staph Infection.
She remained home for several more days hopped up on heavy-duty antibiotics, and painkillers, completely pant-less. It was probably the most traumatic seven days of her entire life. In fact, Melody is still not on speaking terms with her Nether Region.
And that my friends, is how Melody was forced to climb ‘Broke Box Mountain.’
* Did you throw up yet?
Oh, and now Melody is considering making T-Shirts that say: BOW TO THE BOX.
AHAHHAHAHHAHA!
Yes I will.
I am trying to imagine it and it isn’t working. While the pain and everything sounds awful, I think that would be worse.
Oh it was!
Try tipping your body on the toilet so all of your weight is on one butt-cheek.
This makes dealing with my dog’s fungal infection and nose bleeds much less frightening. Thanks, Melody.
Oh, I’ve heard of
Bartholin’s Cyst before… it happens when the glands are blocked. Nothing to be so embarrassed about … if you knew 🙂
No, I did not throw up. I knew exactly what was going to happen next…
Take lots of rest… hope it gets better soon… I mean… YOU get better soon.
{Hugs}
When is this party in Phili ?
(I can’t come but I’d like to know … 😛 )
#stalker
I never had it or heard of it, but I’m glad now I know because if I get a little lump down there that stings I will not assume it’s an overgrown 🙁 I’m so sorry you went through this ! How awful !
You’re welcome.
Thanks, Jaffer1
Melody is back in action. She can even wear pants again.
We haven’t picked a date just yet. But soon!
And if it ever does happen to you go to to the doctors ASAP!
I’ve never heard of this either. I am sorry you had to go through something so disgusting and painful. It takes guts to put these things out there, but I’m sure it’s worth it if someone is helped by having the info. May 2012 be a better year for you health wise.
Thank you, Linda R!
well I hope Melody with the passage of time opens up diplomatic relations with her Nether region…:)
Holy cannonballs between the legs, woman! You need a break already. Make an offering to the health gods, sacrifice something at an altar, do what it takes to end this horror. I knew nothing of any of this gland business before your post. Although, when “The Sponge” was popular, I found out the hard way that I was seriously allergic to nonoxynol-9.
Melody has decided to shelve that area.
Maybe forever.
But definitely at least until the summer!
I think Melody’s box HAS BEEN sacrificed!
PS: I am dying laughing and squirming while imagining your allergic reaction to nonoxynol-9.
Holy mother of God, woman! You certainly have some weird ass shit happen to you. I can’t even imagine how awful that must’ve been, but the telling of it was a real pants-wetter! And yes. A “Bow to the Box” shirt is definitely in order. I love that quote by Betty White. So damn true.
Yeeiikes! I did not mean your lady bits. Maybe a half-dead opossum or something.
Thanks, Jayne!
This was certainly one horrible incident.
And the fact that Melody had to go through it TWICE made it even crazier.
She’s just glad it’s OVER.
And she hopes IT NEVER COMES BACK!!
Aaaaaahahahhahahahahah!!
You had me at “Broke Box Mountain.”
Wow. *wipes spontaneous sweat from upper lip* That’s a hell of a story.
Feel better very soon! I have to go lie down now.
XO
A.
Thanks, Anna.
And, sorry!
Oh I have never hear of this either. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and TWICE! I hope by now you are feeling better, since once again I’m a late blog reader. You put a band-aid on your vajayjay? You are one brave person!
I cannot believe you could come up with so many different words for vagina. You had me in stitches! I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope you feel better but I am SO glad you wrote about it! It was hysterical!
Thanks, Jules!
THANK YOU NORA!
The only way to make something like this funny was to use as many different words for vagina as possible.
And I am so glad YOU got it!
It shows how strong you are that you were able to recount this horrible ordeal while keeping a sense of humor. What you went through would have broken a lot of other people.
Aw. Thanks, Bob G!
Okay, so here I came a-visiting from my friends Terri and Agg79 and what’s the first thing I read about?!?
I have never EVER never heard of this. Now I’m ascared.
Anyways, nice to meet you…
Oh! I’m sorry to have frightened you, Abby Normal.
But it’s nice to *meet* you too!
Only YOU (Melody) could make something so awkward, painful, and embarrasing HILARIOUS!! GIrl, you need to submit that to Jane Magazine or something…by the way, I have had something similar to that gland thing (but not NEARLY as bad as you had to deal with) and I have determined that women are the strongest, most awesomest, and bestest people on Earth. For the very fact that we have to deal with all kinds of shit related to our vajayjays. Hail to the V. THANK YOU for writing about this!!! Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. I need an assistant. XOXOXOXO P.S. Here is what you need to do: gather ALL your blog posts about your health, medical adventures, and food adventures and put them into a book. DO IT NOW!!! You will never worry about money again. I’m telling you it WILL SELL BIG TIME!
Aww…
You’re the best, Dana.
For reals.
I love you.
OMFG
I have to admit, I saw this post a few days ago but couldn’t read it until now. Even then, I read it the way I used to watch horror movies: through my fingers. Holy Christ.
You got that right!
you are hilarious and i love you for it.
I love you back, Val!
I haven’t experienced it myself but my friend has. I had to take her to the doctor because she was too embarrassed to go. She said that getting it drained was just gross. OMG. What a horrible thing to go through. I hope it’s not too painful when you pee. I know I shouldn’t laugh but ‘Broke Box Mountain’ has cracked me up. Hope you and your vahjayjay feel better soon. Ouch.
Thanks Selma!
And if I’ve learned anything over the years,
It’s to LAUGH at these things!
My god… all I can say is, I’m so glad that I’m a guy. I’m trying to think of something that might happen to a guy that would be along similar lines, but I’ve got nothing. You women are tough. I hope you never have to go through something like that ever again.
Thanks Mike. Women are bad asses.
I was getting ready to pass out because I do not take medical procedures very well, but you euphemismed everything to death and used your alter ego to distance us from it, so you sort of distracted us from the whole thing. And sorry, but this isn’t gross to me. It’s just another part of the body. Now, if you’d shown us pictures…..well….
But seriously, Meleah, Gawd, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope if nothing else you’re spreading awareness (along with your legs, of course), but anyway, thank you for talking about this because I’ve never heard of this before.
Thanks, Margaret.
The ONLY way I was able to write about this was to distance myself and to use every version of the word vagina as possible!
I’m glad you weren’t totally grossed out.
I think women NEED to be able to talk about these things without shame and/or embarrassment.
I couldn’t agree more. How the hell are we supposed to learn about our bodies if we’re all hush hush about it? It’s Draconian, medieval, and wrong. Kinda like that whole sex education causes kids to have sex idiocy.
Exactly!
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