I have been alone, as in painfully single for over a year.
I have been pretty great with being alone. Happy even. It’s been nice with no one else demanding, wanting or needing things from me. It’s been positively agreeable that a man in my life could become a major distraction from reaching my goals.
The best part(s) of being this single, besides not having to shave my legs, or having to get dressed up, or go through the god awful uncomfortable first date silence, has been the sheer freedom; to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and not answering to, or considering anyone else’s needs or feelings. It’s one less person to clean up after. It’s one less load of laundry, and I never ever have to share the remote or fake interest in sporting events.
Except that sometimes, it’s not always super awesome to be lonely.
I don’t know if it’s the dreary rain, the dismal overcast, or the fact that I have been caged in my house for too many days in.a.row. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had any interaction with a single real live, walking, talking, tangible human being in over a week. But, today, I am lonely. Alone. Disconnected. Isolated. Not alone in that depressed ‘whoa is me, feel sorry for myself, or having a pity party’ kind of way.
I am simply lonely. And long to be touched.
Someone once said to me, “Loneliness makes us do some really f*cked up shit. It also blinds us to what we have and who we are. And don’t settle for someone just because you feel that emptiness in the pit of your stomach.”
I get that. And I won’t.
That is WHY I have been single, happily, for over a year. I refuse to settle.
Maybe it’s the men I have dated, or maybe it’s me, but all of my past relationships have been filled with nothing more than co-dependence and a whole lot of berating on both ends. I am not prepared, or willing to go through that kind of drama filled disaster again.
But sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend again. Maybe even a boyfriend that I liked.
Now, I am not running out to join Match (again) or using any other online dating service.
(In the past, I’ve had nothing bad experiences, which would make for some great ‘Lifetime Movie’ of the week.)
I am also not really in a position to go out to bars, or wherever it is that people go to meet other people, to find that ’special’ person. And let’s face it; even if I was considering going back “out there” am I really ready or prepared to be in a relationship?
Hypothetically, if I were to go back to using an online dating service, and I was going to be completely honest on my profile page, it would probably read a little something like this:
Hello. My name is Meleah. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to cleanliness. When I am nervous I twirl my hair uncontrollably. I am self-absorbed and pretty selfish. In fact, I don’t like to share. Anything. No. You cannot have a bite, or a taste of my desert. Please don’t touch my things. And, if on the off chance you ever make it to my bed, bring your own pillows and blankets. My idea of ‘cooking’ comes from whoever will deliver from the yellow pages. I drive too fast. And, I am loud.
I may be a good person, but I am not always a nice person.
Any takers? I didn’t think so.
Okay, maybe I am not that bad…but I am no picnic. I don’t even like picnics. Nor am I a day at the beach. I don’t even like the beach.
I certainly do not think that a decent respectable man deserves to be treated that way. Not. even. a. little. I am basing that ‘profile’ on some of my past behaviors (and mistakes) in old relationships. I don’t expect anyone to put up with or deal with the way I am. Until I can figure out how to change some of my own shortcomings, that’s why I am alone. I would not subject any unsuspecting individual to the steaming hot bowl of crazy I can be some days.
But today, is one of the few days, when I really wish I did have some one in my life. Someone to simply lay with me, laugh me with, hold me, joke with me, watch a funny movie…
Maybe even order in dinner.
Couldn’t you invite a few friends over to watch a movie with you, or play cards or simply chat? It doesn’t have to be a date. Other people who may just love to have your company and might be waiting for an invitation from you.
I do that, I have great girlfriends, cards, gossip, shopping, bookstores and movies… My best friend is coming over tomorrow to teach me how to cook the whole chicken thats been defrosting for two days… and thats gauranteed to be a fantastic time
but I miss the intimacy that comes from a romantic relationship. not always. just today
I’m sorry – I should introduce myself. Hi! I’m your long lost twin!
(aka – Teri from Write Anyway and also aka northern girl from Whaling Season. I think I have a girl crush on you, but don’t run away. I don’t bite.)
I do think we are related, tho, because when I read your post, I was nodding my head uncontrollably. We are in different places, but I know you – I know your situation.
i am there… i don’t even want to verbalize what i would have to put in the ad… and the worst part is when you do actually put yourself out there… and end up with the same asshole piece of shit you got rid of the last time you put yourself out there.. only he is older and impotent…..
northern girl: nice to meet you ( i sent you an email)
paisley: i know! i cant! i hate it!
Well it is your pal from NC. you know I have been there and do understand. I guess I got to the point of feeling good about me and being happy with myself. I agree the bar scene and match didn;t work for me either. So I gave up looking and when you don;t expect it someone does enter into your life. The only advise I can give is don;t rush things and don;t give up who you are for someone which was the mistakes I have made in the past. So hang in there honey..your time will come and you are a good person..always made me laugh..and we had many of those. remember Eddie Murphy..i still crack up..
BB-Q anyone???
When you’re willing to share your pillow is when you’ll know you’re where you should be.
I really think being alone in between relationships is a good way to re-discover yourself again. Just like sometimes a little bit of rain has to come in the middle of the dry summer heat in order to give a breath of fresh air. You know what I mean?
Sometimes we just lose our individuality (ya, like the sports bit) when we are in a relatioship, and it’s good to get that back.
But honestly, you are probably going to look back at this post and say “honey, you want to see what I wrote just before I met you?”
🙂
You know…married people are reading this thinking, “Wonder what its like to be single again?” I think you just provided the reality check.
Yea the lonely portion of the program sucks. Been there and done that for 11 years before settling down. Now? I enjoy a day of peace and quiet without anyone else home. It’s the small things in life that matter.
you lie.
you hate intamacy.
you like the idea of having that but not actually.
nice try.
We both cracked up at your description, because you described everyone form our little hgh school where we met dear. 😉 Maybe you, too should seek out only grads of the school. The you are dealing with equality in fucked up ness.
Gah. spelling Wee Todd Did today.
Jen: I don’t hate intimacy. I just haven’t found the RIGHT person to be intimate with. I guess that’s why I feel so ALONE these last few days. Plus being stuck in the house for over a week with NO HUMAN CONTACT doesn’t help matters.
Greg: I don’t know if I will ever be able to share my pillow.
Sharon: Thats what I guess I have been doing this last year, looking at myself and trying to figure out WHO I AM first. (thanks for the comment!)
Dazd: glad to be of service!
Bob: Finally! You have been MIA for months! Thanks for stopping in again, and OhMyGod, that night with Eddie Murphy was the best!!!
I think we were sisters in some lifetime…
you don’t have to be alone to be lonely you know….
I have been divorced now for 9 years. I love it. I used to date and have boyfriends, but like you mentioned in your great post, they were just retreads in different clothes. I like men – very much. But I came to one conclusion, and that is the really great guys stay married. They marry sometime out of college and love their kids. Nice guys don’t typically leave their marriages. I know there will be some that disagree, but it is what I have seen. Does this mean that a nice guy isn’t out there? No. Instead, I decided to look for passion in a life long dream I had done nothing about. I brushed that wild career dream off and am pursuing it with everything I have. It fills my heart better than any relationship ever could.
Recently, I ran into someone I had dated a few years back. I was so excited about my dream, and going for it, that he seemed dull, sad and stuck. It made me stop and realize how unhappy I would be if I had settled for him, and what a different place I am in because I am chasing something I love. When I aquire this dream of mine, I think it will have me in a better place to be a better partner, thus attracting a better partner. But if I don’t, I am going to put on my traveling shoes as soon as my son is 18 and go see the world.
It looks like you have a great deal of online support here – enough to create a sisterhood of women who you can chat with when you feel alone. You certainly have a great writing voice…
Big hugs,
Catherine, the redhead
If I’m a guy and read your profile, I’ll be dying to meet you!
Wow, Mel, this was a powerful post. I feel the way you do and have felt the way you do on so many aspects of this post. Dating seems so not worth it anymore, not worth the time nor the energy. But yet, that old craving works its way into our bones every so often….that longing, that craving to just to be in physical proximity of someone, to be touched, to play…on and on.
Keep the faith, girl, good things are finding their way to you.
Random Magus: I know alot of people that are in relationships and are very lonely. Thanks for the support.
Catherine: Thanks for the hugs, and support, and the reinforcement of the importance of following my dreams.
Mother Hen: HA HA… if only !
Laurie Anne: It always helps to hear that I am NOT alone, when feeling MOST ALONE!
Oh LESLIE…
good idea…maybe? we can find me a GRAD that lives around my way? hhmmm….at least he will KNOW that I am totally fucked up! I wont have to have to FAKE being normal. (which never lasts longer than few hours anyway!!)
Seriously, I love the internet and this blogging community that has become one of the biggest joys in my life.
Oh darling…
You sound disturbingly like me. Ouch!!
Sometimes I wonder how my poor husband tolerates me.
Simple. He loves me. Vile creature that I am…
I’m sure someone reading this is thinking as he does – that you are utterly fascinating and delicious.
I applaud your decision not to settle, Meleah.
In other, unthinkable, circumstances, I would be the same.
I also think I would be far too deep in the too hard basket for most people.
And I would so not want to compromise on who I am.
Neither should you.
You are perfect for the people that matter. You and your family.
Nonetheless, I am saddened by your loneliness.
There is a world of difference between being alone, and being lonely.
Kisses, and reinforcing hugs.
xoxoxoxoxox
A few months ago I found this:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/2003_51_tue_04.shtml
It’s a from a bunch of studies which say that serial monogamy is the preferred relationship style for MEN not women. Women are happiest when they are single, because it’s the one sign that you’ll have control over your life. I’m somwhere there in the middle of that, where I am finidng that safety is realy important, and if I can’t have that in a relatnship, then I’d rather be alone. Anyway, I’ll probably link to this in a later post, but I want to say, I totally relate, even though I still have an ad posted.
Meleah, I have been visiting your blog now for some time and quite frankly think that you are a wonderful lady. The way that you see things in this world, and the fine way that you write about what you see always manage to bring a smile to my face. Although I am situated on the other side of the world, I am glad that our paths have crossed.
I do hope you are feeling a little better.
Please take care and keep smilin’
Graham 🙂
ps. I have been single for a while too and can releate to absolutely every single thought that you wrote in this post. And I too get those days where being single is simply the loneliest and worst thing on earth……
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I remember the day i met you,(moving patty to her appt.) since then you have come to my father,s fundraiser(by the way thank you again) In that short of time what I have learned you are a loving mother(remember trying to get the couch in the back door your son trying to help patty in background barking directions) you are a good friend (AKA PAT) from this blogg I see some troubled pasts but also a bright future. you are talented and you are you , when the time is aligned . you will open that beauty to someone. As for faults, we all have some some more than other, but all faults make us the complex beings we are .You are a special person .you have a quality about you thats distinctive that is you and only you . All that from just neeting you a few times . So I can only imagine our next meeting till then be you and only you . till our next crossind of paths PEACE EDDIE
hEY ITS ME AGAIN , My sister gave me a journal for christmas , my writing is just starting where you have been writing since nine so hear goes. I guess you would call this a limmerick. WE WONDER THROUGH LIFE TRYING TO IMPRESS , HOW HOU DRESS , IS YOUR HAIR A MESS , LIFES LITTLE TESTS, IF YOU DO NOT FIT INTO THE NORM , YOU QUESTION YOURSELF ON WHY YOU WERE BORN, BORN TO LIVE BORN TO DIE , ONLY YOU KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE, TAKE ALL ADVICE LEAVE NO ANSWERS, FOR THE TEST YOU TAKE IS ONLY FAKE , FOR IN THE END THERE WILL BE NO GRADES, NO A,s NO B,s JUST A D DEATH !!!!!!!!! LIVE PEACE EDDIE
Eddie:
Thank you TRULY for those kind words.
Im just soooooooooo sick of being single.
And YOU know all about my LAST “dating” experience with a certian someone. *gag*
Me again, Do not know much , but do not let it get you down do not let it scar you . another from my journal ( no critics) DO WE KNOW WHO WE REALLY ARE OR ARE WE ALL JUST LIVING SCARRED, SCARRED FROM WHAT WE HAVE DONE, SCARRED FROM WHAT WE HAVE SEEN ,SCARRED FROM WHAT WE HAVE HEARD. SCRRED LIVING LOOK AT ALL THE SORES WE HAVE BEEN GIVING, SORES THAT FESTER DEEP WHITHIN, COMING TO LIFE WHEN LIFE GETS THIN, THIN SKIN ,SCARRED HEART , LIFES NOT WORTH LIVING IF YOU DO NOT TAKE PART .
Eddie:
YOU ARE THE BEST.
Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.Thank You.
Hey , first off inspections passed second read a little more of your blog your welcome ectectectectectectectectectect i think it was like 15 thank you but whose counting . I AM SORRY if I would known I would of made more of an effort MAYBE KRYPTONITE to thwart off clark kent I DID NOT KNOW you fell so hard for him sly character he is . I know I told patty but would of put more of an effort into it sorry for a hard lifes lesson learned but you are far better off HOPING FOR YOU. E
Eddie:
Hey. Sh*t happens. Right? I am OVER all of that, and I am over CLARK KENT. And I am ready to move on to the next whatever my life has in store for me.
xxoo
🙂
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So i completely loved this entry… I saw JD from the TV shows Scrubs say this on one of the episodes and desided to goggle it. Your blog entry came up. It was really good to read because i feel the exact same way in every way from the OCD on cleanliness, to the not sharing aspect of my personality. I must say though that we must be positive and have faith that one day not only will we be finally ready to be in a reationship,, but one great guy who can handle our shortcommings will see them as enduring and love us anyways.
Wow, thank you for that comment. I LOVE the TV show Scrubs! That's where I
came up with the idea for the title!