No.
Seriously.
Where the hell am I?
That’s what ran though my mind, as I stopped at the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.
I had already been driving for over twenty minutes, on back roads, with no street signs, and no streetlights. Nothing looked familiar, and yet it all looked the same. Dark. Cold. Creepy. I was fairly positive at any given moment Zombies or Vampires would come crawling out of the woods to kill me.
There weren’t any painted yellow lines on the streets. And, there weren’t any other cars on the road. Trying to navigate my way through a thick layer of fog, while praying I wouldn’t crash into the deer that fearlessly jumped in front of my car, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
This is not what I had signed up for when I agreed to pick up my 15 year old son, and a few of his friends, from some party.
But there I was.
Lost.
In the middle of nowhere.
Alone.
My eyes darted back and forth from the pitch-black road, to the Google Maps Application on my iPhone, which, by the way, provided the only source of light for miles. I refreshed my map application to use ‘Current Location’. I took a deep breath and nervously waited for the information to load.
* Proceed North onto Perrineville Road *
Now that would have been a handy piece of information, except for the fact, that ‘F*@% If I Know’ is as confusing as the one-hundred-year-old Poincaré conjecture. I had to choose from 6 different signs, for 6 different streets. Apparently, 99.2% of the roads in this particular town intersect with each other. And yet, NOT ONE of those signs said ‘Perrineville Road.’
Lovely.
I had to make an executive decision.
I turned left.
If you’re guessing that was a mistake? You’d be right.
I drove down the winding street with sharp curves and unmarked bends, certain I would end up in a ditch. I maintained a healthy speed of 4 MPH. Gripping the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles turned power white. I thought I saw Jason hiding in a bush with his axe and ski mask. But then I remembered it wasn’t Friday the 13th and calmed down. A little.
However, when I saw a narrow bridge ahead, I knew not even the magical power of Dorothy’s ‘Ruby Slippers’ could help me now. I am absolutely terrified of bridges. There was no way I would drive over that bridge, on this road. Not. Happening. My son and his friends would either be stuck at that mysteriously located house, forever, or they would eventually have to call for a taxi.
I made a K-Turn in the middle of the road and turned the car around.
And, then I drove right back to the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.
Oh, hello.
Again.
Seriously.
Where the hell am I?
And why do I feel like I am about to be in a scene from the movie ‘Deliverance’?
Forced to make another executive decision, I turned right.
But of course, that road, was just as terrifying.
The heat radiating off my sweating skin, fogged up the car windows. And forget about turning on the ‘Bright Lights’ because that only intensified the fog outside of the car. I used the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe the inside of my windshield, to no avail. I longed for concrete dividers on well-lit highways, and neon city lights.
Just about to give up, I spotted a strip mall shopping center.
Eureka!
For the first time all night I felt hopeful, civilization would soon be on the horizon.
Eager to ask for help from any breathing person, with a pulse, I gingerly skidded on the wet road, fishtailing my car into the parking lot. Sadly for me, there were no signs of human life. I could hear the crickets chirping, and the ribbiting frogs. But there were absolutely no people. The building had long since been abandoned.
FML.
It had been well over an hour.
I turned the car around.
Again.
And, I drove back to the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.
Again.
I sat at that damned 6-way-Stop Sign utterly defeated.
Sweating profusely, on the verge of tears, and desperate I yelled aloud, “For the love of all things holy! PLEASE G-D, let someone, let ANYONE, show up! Send help, now!”
Seriously.
Where the hell am I?
And that’s precisely when I saw dim headlights in my rear-view mirror.
I wiped the tears and disbelief from my eyes.
Is that another car? Squinting, I realized, OHMYZOD… IT IS ANOTHER CAR! Thank goodness! It’s a miracle! Please let them speak English! And please DO NOT let them be a serial killer!
I waited anxiously with my hazards blinking until they pulled up next me.
“EXCUSE ME!!” I shouted from my driver side window. “EXCUSE ME! PLEASE!!”
The driver of the car, heard my loud shrill. Lowering the passenger window, “Can I help you?” He asked.
“I sure hope so!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry to bother you sir. But, I am REALLY lost. I have no idea where I am, and I have no idea how to get where I am going. I’ve been back to this intersection at least four times tonight. And I’m supposed to pick up my son and some friends from a party.”
“Where are you headed?”
“Well, according to my iPhone, I need to get to Perrineville Road. Do you know where that is?”
“Um…yeah.” He smiled, “You’re on Perrineville Road.”
“Really?” I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment, “But there’s no sign.”
He chuckled, “Yeah, it’s confusing around here.”
For a second I felt relieved, “Okay, well, do you know where Dregress Court is? Because ultimately, that’s where I need to end up.”
He scratched his head, “No. I’ve never heard of that.”
“How about Steeple Road?” I asked.
“Hmmm….” He paused, “I don’t know that one either.”
I began thinking this guy might not be so helpful after all. “Well do you know if I am I supposed to make a left or a right at this stop sign?” I pointed in front of us.
“Let’s get out of this intersection. The Fire Department is right up the road. Follow me, and I will see if I can help you out.”
I didn’t know if I should be fearful, or not. But instead of over-analyzing things, I just thanked my lucky stars ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ did not seem like a psychopath, willing to assist me. And G-d only knows how long it would have been until the next car came along.
We arrived at the local Fire Department, within a matter of seconds. I immediately got out of my car, walked toward him, extended my hand and said, “I really cannot thank you enough. I hate being lost like this! What’s your name so I don’t have to call you Random Stranger Guy?”
“My name is Tom.”
“Okay, Tom. I am, Meleah. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands.
Then I shoved my iPhone in his face, “See…this! Can you please look at these directions?”
He stared intensely at the map on my phone and sighed, “Gee, this says you should be on Perrineville Road, which you are, but it also says you should go onto Rt. 571. And that’s all the way in the other direction. This doesn’t make any sense. Can you call the house you’re trying to get to?”
“Um…” I realized, I couldn’t. “No, I don’t have that number. But wait; let me call my son’s cell phone. Maybe he can get an adult in the house on the phone with us?”
“Great idea.”
And that’s exactly what we did.
“Justin, this is your mother,” I screamed. “I am totally lost. I’ve been trying to find the Party House for over an hour, but I’ve been trapped at the nexus of the universe. Right now, I am in the street, with some stranger, Tom, who’s being nice enough to try and help me find you. Please go get an ADULT and put them on the phone, right now!”
I mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ to ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as, Tom.
The mother of the Party House quickly came to the phone and I put her on speaker.
Unfortunately, she was only able to give very vague driving directions. According to her, a lot of the street names have been recently changed, due to construction and zoning. Therefore, she didn’t know the names of the roads either. She only knew ‘Landmarks.’
“When you get to the next intersection, look for a tiny blue sign, then make a right, on your left you’ll see a ball field. Go two or three miles and look for a white fence, then turn right on the street after that.”
W.T.F.
“Then….” She continued to throw out impossible clues to find the house. But, when I hung up the phone I still had NO IDEA where the hell I was supposed to go. And Tom must have seen the look on my face.
Luckily, he knew exactly what ‘Landmarks’ the ‘Party House Mom’ was talking about. And rather than trying to re-explain where I was supposed to go? Much to my surprise, Tom graciously offered to let me follow him.
All. The. Way. There.
And, I could not have been more grateful.
The drive from the Fire Station, to the Party House, lasted no more than TEN minutes.
By the time I picked up my son and his friends, my nerves were shot. Three teenage boys piled into my car, laughing, completely oblivious to the fact that I was thoroughly distraught. And now, we had to figure out how to get the heck out of there.
It’s a good thing my son can read a map, without needing to know any street names. Because if it weren’t for my son and ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as Tom, I honestly think I’d still be out there, driving around, hysterically. Because even on a good day, full of sunshine and unicorns, armed with: maps, GPS systems, and a compass, I can’t find my way around my own neighborhood.
But for the one time, my son told me to turn RIGHT and I accidentally turned LEFT, the ride home was much less eventful. We turned down the very last dirt road of uncharted territory, before we finally saw a sign for our highway.
“SWEET BABY JESUS!” I bellowed with glee.
Here’s an FYI:
Time I left my house to pick up my son: 10:15pm. Time I finally arrived home, safely: 12:45am.
Yep.
That’s right.
It took 2 hours, and 30 minutes, for me to travel, what should have been, all of 18 miles.
I can promise you two things.
1. I am on a mission to ‘Pay It Forward’. Because ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as, Tom, really didn’t have to help me out the way he did.
2. If my son, ever even thinks about asking me for a ride to or from that area, again?
My answer will be quick and simple, “Not. Gunna. Happen.”
So tell me boys and girls…
Has this ever happened to anyone else? Or am I the only moron out here, with no sense of direction?
[PS: ‘Totally Super Kind Random Stranger Guy’ otherwise known as Tom, if you ever miraculously stumble upon this blog post – I want you to know that I love you!]
Um…no…that NEVER happens to me. EVER. Especially in New Jersey. And yeah, Tom is awesome, isn’t he? He was one of the millions of people who helped me find the Turnpike 🙂
Haha, this reminds me so much of the time I tried to drive from Pitman back home and got off the highway too soon. I still cannot believe there was not a single place to turn around before I found myself somewhere in Elmer.
I have absolutely no sense of direction in areas that have a lot of those damn round-a-bouts but I am pretty good in areas that have straight roads. The one time I got hopelessly lost, I was driving from Newark airport to Scranton, PA. five or 6 years ago. I would still be there driving if some ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ that was working the late shift at a gas station didn’t talk to me on the level a kindergartner (and I am not talking about a smart kindergartner).
Ahahaha! AHAHHAHHA!
Love you, Nicky!
xoxox
NJ is the WORST for driving!
Ya gotta LOVE ?Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Strangers!
Several years ago, I had an appointment in a nearby town I wasn’t familiar with. Well, a couple days before, my father had shown me how to get there. So, it shouldn’t have been a problem at all.
And, it wouldn’t have been, except that, somewhere along the line, I made a wrong turn and ended up completely not where I was supposed to be. By that point, I had lost all sense of direction, so the only option I had was to drive ALL THE WAY back to my town and try again.
Of course, I also had to call and explain I was going to be late, without mentioning I had just been about two minutes away but had to drive another fifteen minutes away to get there again.
Fortunately, it was not at night.
Then again, the fact it wasn’t at night perhaps makes it worse.
Thank God for the kindness of strangers. I would be totally distraught if we never heard from you again. Meleah, I would even know who to call to ask what happened to you. That would be dreadful. I am so glad that Tom was not a serial killer too, or even a rapist or arsonist as far as I can tell. The stars were aligned in your favor.
In the future, don’t let your son go to parties. It’s really better for him to say home. He does not need a social life. Tell him to get a job at the club and make him work the entire time he’s not in school. This would accomplish more than one goal. He will learn the value of a dollar. He will be able to save money for college. He will not be tempted to smoke pot or do beer bongs. He will build up some healthy teenage disdain for his mother and that will make him more likely to find a woman who isn’t just like her. (Trust me on this one.) Also, he won’t be picking up any STD’s while he’s at work.
No charge. I was glad to help.
I’m horrible with directions and can totally identify with this story! However, being directinally challenged does show you how nice and helpful total strangers can be. Glad you finally made it to your destination!
My old job was as a moving company surveyor. My territory was pretty much Bath NY east to the Hudson River and north as far as Watertown (Ft Drum), NY, and all adjoining counties of PA below that, with the occasional foray into points farther south. I was never offered the option of an overnight stay; I drove out and back to wherever I went the same day no matter how far it was.
The first time I went to West Point (247 miles one way), I followed the GPS. West Point Military Academy is basically built on the side of Storm King mountain, and the bottom of the mountain is the river. Ordinary Janes like myself are obligated to approach the school from the gate in Highland Falls. People with DOD IDs and uniforms and boots and whatnot can use the back gate off the mountain. Just them. Approaching this gate usually makes a couple of armed folks make scowly faces at you. I know this because the GPS took me up and over the mountain on a narrow road that was a sheer rock wall on one side and a low stone fence between you and Certain Death on the other while I smelled my baking brake pads all the way down to the gate I was Not Allowed to use. I had two choices; turn around and go back UP the mountain on the Certain Death side of the road, or try a little eyelash batting and golly gee willikins-ing to get through the DOD gate. Thankfully, the General Whoosit Brigadier whatever guy I needed to see lived half a block away from the forbidden gate and they waved me in but cautioned me Never to do it Again.
So I was going to ask when you were going on the date, but I guess it isn’t happening?
I’m not a driver but Mo and I have been in a similar situation. Mo always says “It’s impossible to remain lost” and I think she may be right, but you can lose a lot of petrol and sweat in trying not to be lost.
AHAhahahhaHHAHA!!
Oh, Dan! That’s hilarious!
YES!!
HA!!
I fucking LOVE YOU, Linda!
And, you’re right.
No more parties for Justin!
xoxox
Thank god for NICE strangers!
Oh my god!
I’m so happy you did NOT have to go back UP the mountain on the Certain Death side!!!!
Being lost, is awful!
This was totally priceless!
A “K-turn”? Bhwahahahah!
And, kindly elaborate on “FML”. (I don’t do texting.)
Oh, but I can totally relate to your confusion. Here, municipal house numbers do not exist and I have no idea why. Unless your house is on fire (an obvious visual ‘landmark’, as it were), your basically shit outta luck to call 911 and expect them to reach the right house in an emergent responsive time. Otherwise, directions here are given based on house colours and, besides that, there are numerous subdivisions here that intertwine like starving snakes on a rat, so you hope that the blue house at which you are to take a left hasn’t recently been painted white (and unbeknownst to the person giving the directions). It’s doubly worse at night since the sulfur street lights change the colour of everything. Gah!
Oh, but I’m glad that you made it home safe and sound, and a special “Thank You” goes out to the ‘Totally Super Kind Random Stranger Guy’ otherwise known as Tom for being your bright light.
😉
Okay!
FML =FUCK MY LIFE
I’m never doing this again!
Not even 911 could have saved me, either.
Can’t imagine what it’s like by you!
Signed:
NOT A FAN OF LANDMARK DIRECTIONS!
My super power is having an awesome sense of direction, however, on 3 separate occasions my internal GPS was jammed by some external and nefarious force. Once in Boston (that place is seriously messed up), once in Brooklyn (drove in circles for 2 hours! Agh!) and once in Vermont (drove around a mountain twice!).
But yeah, I have a pretty god sense of direction otherwise.
I mean good. Not god. You know what I mean. Bah! Hate typos!
Well, if you ever happen to be in Freeport, our house is opposite Water’s Edge – on the east side of the Xanadu canal – and it’s the white two story house with a cedar shim brown roof and a gravel driveway with a little red car in at the gate (unless I’m out running errands, etc. then the car won’t be there.) Oh, and honk to announce your presence.
😉
I have NO sense of direction and have said that if I was plopped in the middle of the town where The Husband grew up, I wouldn’t be able to find my way to the highway. (The town has 500 people in it, if even that.) So it makes today even MORE interesting. As I’ve said numerous times, I sleep when we travel. We were coming home from St Paul and got to Duluth, which is under construction and has detours EVERYWHERE. K poked me in the ribs after going over EVERY one of the 3462 bridges in Duluth and said I have to read the signs for him, as he had been driving around Duluth for 30 minutes and the TomTom was having a nervous breakdown trying to get us out of the city. I guess my being awake did SOMETHING because we drove straight out of town as soon as I could see clearly–and I didn’t have to read one single sign. 😉
Where I grew up, all directions consisted of “Drive down the road a bit until you get to where Matt Johnson had his farm. Turn at that corner and when you get to John Maki’s father-in-law’s parent’s farm, you head toward the Lake for a few miles until you come to Niemi Creek. Follow along there and eventually you’ll get to the spot where the two snowplows crashed a couple of years back. (You’ll know where you are because the tree still has the missing chunk the one plow took out of it.) A few miles down the dirt road, you’ll come to a four-way stop. Take the left road and when you’re past the point where you are sure there is NOTHING at the end of the road, you’ll be at your destination.” 😀
OMG, Meleah, this was like reading the script from a horror movie!
I was sweatin’ just reading this!
Yes, this kind of thing has happend to me MANY times because I have ZERO sense of direction. And I mean ZERO. Let’s just put it this way, I actually have to THINK about right and left.
I can’t tell you how many times I got lost when I had a car and dove. And in areas that I had been to before.
I’m the worst driver at night. The worst because it’s like I can’t see properly.
I even get lost walking the city streets – HA!
X
You have just described my first 2 years here in the Small Town. We have no street lights, all the roads look the same and the street signs are designed to be hidden at night. One of my favorites was when I turned the wrong way out of the Small Town’s only restaurant and ended up in a different town. I can now usually find my way but I do still get lost occasionally. I guess the likelihood of getting you to visit the Small Town is slim and none 🙁
Oh I CANNOT drive in Brooklyn!
Or anywhere in NY for that matter.
NO. WAY.
HA!
I will!
I would have been CRYING if I had to drive over EVERY one of the 3462 bridges in Duluth!!!!
And, how the hell do people understand “Landmark” directions!?!!
Ron!!
I also have to THINK about Left & Right!
Ahahahhaha!
And driving in the night time is WAY worse then being lost in the daytime. I definitely have issues seeing at night too!
Ahahahahah!
“I turned the wrong way out of the Small Town’s only restaurant and ended up in a different town”
Ahahahahhahahha!
That’s an unfamiliar area to me. I rarely get lost, but have on occasion gotten…”confused”. Glad you got through.
This was MORE than lost!
I must say, giving/understanding ‘landmark’ directions was much easier before ‘outsiders’ began moving into the area. 😉 Rural areas without street signs are the worst–but you HAVE to drive by landmarks or you’d just be driving around old logging roads until you ran out of gas. At least there are SOME good things about living in cities–sometimes. 😀 But, it IS fun to try and figure out how many cow pastures you actually have to go past before reaching your destination–especially when the cows are already in the barn for the night. (And it was only fun when we were young and stupid–not now when we are old and wise. :D)
How do you know when one cow pasture ends and another begins?
I wish I could meet someone like Tom when I keep taking the wrong exit lane on the Harbour Bridge and end up driving over it twenty times in a row. My sense of direction is shocking. I have no idea if I’m going north or south and can drive around in circles for ages. I think Tom should get a medal. What a great guy!!
When I first moved to DC I used to get lost every time I would go out. And there are some REALLY scary areas in DC. If I were you there would be no more parties anywhere near or anyplace like f***k if I know until your son gets a license and can drive himself.
Ahahah!
I don’t know North, South, East or West either!
Yeah, DC totally scares me!
I pretty much get lost wherever I go. I’m known as the “Queen of U Turns” in my family. But I can relate…I HATE that feeling of not knowing where you are and whether you will ever make it back to civilization alive. Glad you found your way and that Totally Super Kind Random Stranger Guy’ otherwise known as Tom, helped you out. I hope he’s around the next time I get lost.
Yeah, that guy WAS awesome!
I’d still be lost if it weren’t for him!
My entire life I have called my Daddy (from payphones because in my day no cellphones, hysterically lost) and he guided me EVERYWHERE! And then, when I married, I called My Daddy and My husband, whoever I get a hold of and I still call them, mostly my husband now, with cellphones my husband is easy to get a hold of and he guides me out of all my mishaps, so, yeah, I know exactly how you felt, except I do have backup always at the ready because my husband knows to be on standby when I get in the car LOL
“Not even 911 could have saved me, either.” Now don’t you bet on that!
“Not even 911 could have saved me, either.” Now don’t you bet on that!
Fences, my dear. Fences. ;D
Hey Meleah, just wanted to stop by to inform you that my Blogger Blog suffered an untimely death tonight.
HOWEVER, the good news is that I have already set up shop at silverthoughts2.wordpress.com. Come to my welcome back party!
I think I may need one of those husband types!
Ahahahahhahahahha!
Oh!!!!
WOOT!! I’ll be right over!
Please send me the ACTUAL link!