Where The Hell Am I?

No.

Seriously.

Where the hell am I?

That’s what ran though my mind, as I stopped at the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.

I had already been driving for over twenty minutes, on back roads, with no street signs, and no streetlights. Nothing looked familiar, and yet it all looked the same. Dark. Cold. Creepy. I was fairly positive at any given moment Zombies or Vampires would come crawling out of the woods to kill me.

There weren’t any painted yellow lines on the streets. And, there weren’t any other cars on the road. Trying to navigate my way through a thick layer of fog, while praying I wouldn’t crash into the deer that fearlessly jumped in front of my car, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

This is not what I had signed up for when I agreed to pick up my 15 year old son, and a few of his friends, from some party.

But there I was.

Lost.

In the middle of nowhere.

Alone.

My eyes darted back and forth from the pitch-black road, to the Google Maps Application on my iPhone, which, by the way, provided the only source of light for miles. I refreshed my map application to use ‘Current Location’. I took a deep breath and nervously waited for the information to load.

* Proceed North onto Perrineville Road *

Now that would have been a handy piece of information, except for the fact, that ‘F*@% If I Know’ is as confusing as the one-hundred-year-old Poincaré conjecture. I had to choose from 6 different signs, for 6 different streets. Apparently, 99.2% of the roads in this particular town intersect with each other.  And yet, NOT ONE of those signs said ‘Perrineville Road.’

Lovely.

I had to make an executive decision.

I turned left.

If you’re guessing that was a mistake? You’d be right.

I drove down the winding street with sharp curves and unmarked bends, certain I would end up in a ditch. I maintained a healthy speed of 4 MPH. Gripping the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles turned power white. I thought I saw Jason hiding in a bush with his axe and ski mask. But then I remembered it wasn’t Friday the 13^th and calmed down. A little.

However, when I saw a narrow bridge ahead, I knew not even the magical power of Dorothy’s ‘Ruby Slippers’ could help me now. I am absolutely terrified of bridges.  There was no way I would drive over that bridge, on this road.  Not. Happening. My son and his friends would either be stuck at that mysteriously located house, forever, or they would eventually have to call for a taxi.

I made a K-Turn in the middle of the road and turned the car around.

And, then I drove right back to the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.

Oh, hello.

Again.

Seriously.

Where the hell am I?

And why do I feel like I am about to be in a scene from the movie ‘Deliverance’?

Forced to make another executive decision, I turned right.

But of course, that road, was just as terrifying.

The heat radiating off my sweating skin, fogged up the car windows. And forget about turning on the ‘Bright Lights’ because that only intensified the fog outside of the car. I used the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe the inside of my windshield, to no avail. I longed for concrete dividers on well-lit highways, and neon city lights.

Just about to give up, I spotted a strip mall shopping center.

Eureka!

For the first time all night I felt hopeful, civilization would soon be on the horizon.

Eager to ask for help from any breathing person, with a pulse, I gingerly skidded on the wet road, fishtailing my car into the parking lot. Sadly for me, there were no signs of human life. I could hear the crickets chirping, and the ribbiting frogs. But there were absolutely no people. The building had long since been abandoned.

FML.

It had been well over an hour.

I turned the car around.

Again.

And, I drove back to the intersection of ‘F*@% If I Know’.

Again.

I sat at that damned 6-way-Stop Sign utterly defeated.

Sweating profusely, on the verge of tears, and desperate I yelled aloud, “For the love of all things holy! PLEASE G-D, let someone, let ANYONE, show up! Send help, now!”

Seriously.

Where the hell am I?

And that’s precisely when I saw dim headlights in my rear-view mirror.

I wiped the tears and disbelief from my eyes.

Is that another car? Squinting, I realized, OHMYZOD… IT IS ANOTHER CAR! Thank goodness! It’s a miracle! Please let them speak English! And please DO NOT let them be a serial killer!

I waited anxiously with my hazards blinking until they pulled up next me.

“EXCUSE ME!!” I shouted from my driver side window. “EXCUSE ME! PLEASE!!”

The driver of the car, heard my loud shrill. Lowering the passenger window, “Can I help you?” He asked.

“I sure hope so!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry to bother you sir. But, I am REALLY lost. I have no idea where I am, and I have no idea how to get where I am going. I’ve been back to this intersection at least four times tonight. And I’m supposed to pick up my son and some friends from a party.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Well, according to my iPhone, I need to get to Perrineville Road. Do you know where that is?”

“Um…yeah.” He smiled, “You’re on Perrineville Road.”

“Really?” I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment, “But there’s no sign.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, it’s confusing around here.”

For a second I felt relieved, “Okay, well, do you know where Dregress Court is? Because ultimately, that’s where I need to end up.”

He scratched his head, “No. I’ve never heard of that.”

“How about Steeple Road?” I asked.

“Hmmm….” He paused, “I don’t know that one either.”

I began thinking this guy might not be so helpful after all. “Well do you know if I am I supposed to make a left or a right at this stop sign?” I pointed in front of us.

“Let’s get out of this intersection. The Fire Department is right up the road. Follow me, and I will see if I can help you out.”

I didn’t know if I should be fearful, or not. But instead of over-analyzing things, I just thanked my lucky stars ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ did not seem like a psychopath, willing to assist me. And G-d only knows how long it would have been until the next car came along.

We arrived at the local Fire Department, within a matter of seconds. I immediately got out of my car, walked toward him, extended my hand and said, “I really cannot thank you enough. I hate being lost like this! What’s your name so I don’t have to call you Random Stranger Guy?”

“My name is Tom.”

“Okay, Tom. I am, Meleah. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands.

Then I shoved my iPhone in his face, “See…this! Can you please look at these directions?”

He stared intensely at the map on my phone and sighed, “Gee, this says you should be on Perrineville Road, which you are, but it also says you should go onto Rt. 571. And that’s all the way in the other direction. This doesn’t make any sense. Can you call the house you’re trying to get to?”

“Um…” I realized, I couldn’t. “No, I don’t have that number. But wait; let me call my son’s cell phone. Maybe he can get an adult in the house on the phone with us?”

“Great idea.”

And that’s exactly what we did.

“Justin, this is your mother,” I screamed. “I am totally lost. I’ve been trying to find the Party House for over an hour, but I’ve been trapped at the nexus of the universe. Right now, I am in the street, with some stranger, Tom, who’s being nice enough to try and help me find you. Please go get an ADULT and put them on the phone, right now!”

I mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ to ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as, Tom.

The mother of the Party House quickly came to the phone and I put her on speaker.

Unfortunately, she was only able to give very vague driving directions. According to her, a lot of the street names have been recently changed, due to construction and zoning. Therefore, she didn’t know the names of the roads either. She only knew ‘Landmarks.’

“When you get to the next intersection, look for a tiny blue sign, then make a right, on your left you’ll see a ball field. Go two or three miles and look for a white fence, then turn right on the street after that.”

W.T.F.

“Then….” She continued to throw out impossible clues to find the house. But, when I hung up the phone I still had NO IDEA where the hell I was supposed to go. And Tom must have seen the look on my face.

Luckily, he knew exactly what ‘Landmarks’ the ‘Party House Mom’ was talking about. And rather than trying to re-explain where I was supposed to go? Much to my surprise, Tom graciously offered to let me follow him.

All. The. Way. There.

And, I could not have been more grateful.

The drive from the Fire Station, to the Party House, lasted no more than TEN minutes.

By the time I picked up my son and his friends, my nerves were shot. Three teenage boys piled into my car, laughing, completely oblivious to the fact that I was thoroughly distraught. And now, we had to figure out how to get the heck out of there.

It’s a good thing my son can read a map, without needing to know any street names. Because if it weren’t for my son and ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as Tom, I honestly think I’d still be out there, driving around, hysterically. Because even on a good day, full of sunshine and unicorns, armed with: maps, GPS systems, and a compass, I can’t find my way around my own neighborhood.

But for the one time, my son told me to turn RIGHT and I accidentally turned LEFT, the ride home was much less eventful. We turned down the very last dirt road of uncharted territory, before we finally saw a sign for our highway.

“SWEET BABY JESUS!” I bellowed with glee.

Here’s an FYI:

Time I left my house to pick up my son: 10:15pm. Time I finally arrived home, safely: 12:45am.

Yep.

That’s right.

It took 2 hours, and 30 minutes, for me to travel, what should have been, all of 18 miles.

I can promise you two things.

1. I am on a mission to ‘Pay It Forward’. Because ‘Totally-Super-Awesome, Kind-Random-Stranger-Guy’ otherwise known as, Tom, really didn’t have to help me out the way he did.

2. If my son, ever even thinks about asking me for a ride to or from that area, again?

My answer will be quick and simple, “Not. Gunna. Happen.”

 

So tell me boys and girls…

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Or am I the only moron out here, with no sense of direction?

[PS: ‘Totally Super Kind Random Stranger Guy’ otherwise known as Tom, if you ever miraculously stumble upon this blog post  – I want you to know that I love you!]