Initial Breakup
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
We Interrupt This Blog With A Nervous Break-down
So, um…
I know I said I wasn’t going to talk or write about HIM anymore. But I lied. I am still sofa king upset over this whole breakup situation and my lack of closure – I can’t let go or move on. I still think about him ALL OF THE TIME. I have sooooo many triggers that remind me of him and it makes me incredibly sad when I remember the life we had, everything we built together, all of the holidays and family functions we shared, and the future I thought we were going to have.
I have been acting online, in my blog, and even to myself, trying to prove, “I’m okay! I’m okay! Look at me doing great!” And sometimes I really am doing great. Sometimes I am really proud of myself for how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. Sometimes I am totally-super-happy.
But sometimes I am not okay.
Sometimes I am NOT fucking okay.
Some days, I am still a fucking mess.
Like, today.
Like, right now.
Some days I have to fight REALLY hard to get out of bed. And sometimes I ONLY get out of bed to prove to HIM that I am changing, doing better, and keeping the promises I made. Sometimes I still cling to the hope that he’s going to snap out of it, get his shit together, realize breaking up was a terrible mistake, and come back to me. But I know that’s not going to happen and it fucking KILLS ME.
And I know all of these stupid feelings are part of the stupid healing process, but it fucking hurts and it’s fucking hard. And I am FUCKING SAD AS FUCKING FUCK!
And I MISS the REAL Daniel. I miss MY Daniel. I miss the sweet, loving, funny, would jump through a ring of fire for me Daniel. And I just can’t believe that’s gone.
I just can’t accept that he will never bring me coffee in bed, kiss my forehead, or hold me in his arms until the world around us disappears and we’re safe in our bubble of love. I just can’t accept that I will never hear him scream “ABUBBS” on the top of his lungs, or make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe, or make me feel more loved than I’ve ever been loved by anyone.
Maybe I just I need to learn HOW to accept the fact that I am NEVER going to “get over him” – I’ve been in love with him for THIRTY YEARS. He was my very FIRST love. And I never married anyone else, because I never loved anyone else, the way I love him. And I probably never will love anyone else the way I love him. That kind of love is once in a lifetime. He was, still is, and will always be, the love of my life. And I can’t just erase that. And I wish we could go back to when everything was perfect. And we were all so freaking happy. But we can’t. And that is super fucking painful.
And maybe I am feeling all of these crazy feelings because it was Justin’s graduation and it was the 1st family function in FOUR YEARS and Daniel wasn’t there. And maybe I am feeling all of these crazy feelings because it’s his birthday is next week, and this is the first year I am not hosting a party for him, or watching him and my mother cut the cake together #familytradition style. Or maybe I am feeling all of these crazy feelings because we never did have that baby together, and we never did get to marry each other, and we never even took a vacation together, because too many OTHER things always got in our way.
I fucking HATE how we fell apart.
I fucking HATE why we fell apart.
I fucking HATE how things ended.
I fucking HATE why things ended.
And then I feel like a fucking fool.
And then I get REALLY REALLY angry that it was SO EASY for him to turn his back, and walk away, like I meant NOTHING to him. He REFUSED to even TRY to fix things. And I know WHY he refused, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
And then I get really really angry that HE is living in MY dream home, around the corner from MY parents. And then I get really really angry that I’m constantly anxious and nervous that I am going to run into him somewhere, considering he still lives in the same town and the same damn complex.
And then I wonder how he can give ZERO fucks. And then I wish I could flip a switch as easily as he did and just stop caring. And I don’t really want to post things like this on my blog because I don’t want him to know how vulnerable I am, or how heartbroken I still am.
But I needed to write this down, to help get these feelings out of me. And my blog has always been MY ‘safe’ place for my own ‘therapy’ and where I can be completely raw and brutally honest. And I would be LYING to all of you if I kept acting like I was totally fine and totally over him when I’m definitely not.
I hope my family and friends aren’t disappointed with me, and I hope y’all can understand what I’m going through. And hopefully I’m just having a really bad day and I’ll be back to being FINE again tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.
Love,
M
