Post Breakup – Part One

43 days ago life as I knew it ended. And it ended very sadly from an extremely painful breakup.

Since then, y’all have been asking, “How are you doing?” And, “What happened?”

So here goes…

Last week was really hard for me. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions; complete with extreme highs and extreme lows. I went from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes, like a full-blown-case of bipolar mania. And PMS only amplified those feelings by 100,000,000,000,000,000, 000, 000.00%.

Readjusting from living with a house full of people you thought you were always going to be your family – to living alone again – has been quite challenging.

Last Tuesday, after therapy, I felt like the scab was ripped off and the wound reopened. I felt heavy, drained and exhausted. Paralyzed with pain. Crippled with agony. And I stayed feeling that way for days.

Not. Good. Times.

I can’t seem to find any balance, yet.
I’m still vacillating, like a pendulum.

I’ve felt completely comfortable in my own skin, almost relieved – only to feel terrified and completely alone again.

I’ve loved cleaning, decorating, and setting up this cute little condo and I’ve loved no one around to ruin it – only to miss the people that made such a mess.

I’ve enjoyed quality family time – only to notice that I’m the solitary single person in the room.

I’ve had fun with my girlfriends – only to realize they ‘re going home to their husbands and I’m going to sleep in an empty bed. [And while I’m THRILLED I don’t lay next to a sweaty beast snoring in my face all night, I still can’t really sleep.]

I still don’t know how to “cook for one” and ordering take-out is way too expensive, so I’ve learned to love leftovers – only to miss hearing / seeing them enjoy my food.

I killed a spider, all by myself for the first time ever, WHICH WAS NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE – only to wish I didn’t have to do things like that.

There are so many more examples of the ups and downs I am experiencing. And there are so many more triggers that send me reeling from happiness to sadness.

Like not being able to find the lever to open my gas tank and crying for 20 minutes at the WaWa pump. Or not being able to afford my prescriptions and crying in the middle of CVS while the pharmacist downloads the GOODRX app to my phone. Or having panic attacks while driving outside of my comfort zone. Or turning on the radio and having to pull over, to the side of the road, because I’m hyperventilating from overwhelming emotions.

But, y’all are smart.
And y’all get the gist.
And I don’t want to waste any more of your time.

Good news?

I haven’t given up.
And I haven’t been “man-down” in bed, debilitated with depression.
Not even once.
Not even when I really wanted to.
In fact, I might even have an idea to create/start my own business.
But more on that another day.

So yes, I’m still a mess.
A total train-wreck mess.
And yes, I’m still devastated.
Devastated beyond belief.
But I’m doing my best to persevere.
And that’s about all I can do right now.

PS: If you still want the “details” of my breakup, I’m finally willing to give you the “super-short / watered-down” version. Just send me an email at mhawthorne@optonline.net  and I’ll do my best to reply. Or feel free to Inbox Message me on Facebook.