OR, another title: *Food Is NOT My Enemy.
As I write this post, tears of gratitude fall from my eyes.
The downward spiral has come to a halt.
The anger and rage are beginning to dissipate.
The vicious cycle is coming to an end.
Life has flavor once more.
For the first time in a year, my HOPE has been restored.
“I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.”
As most of you know, over the last year I have been pretty sick. I have been loaded down with medications / chemicals. I have dealt with numerous side effects. I have been starving and VERY angry. It has been awful living with the constant fear of food. It has been absolutely torturous to watch other people eat their meals, lick their fingers and smack their lips with delight, while I sat across the table leering at them with jealousy. It has been exhausting to have no solutions, no choices and no control, while dealing with TWO illnesses that can potentially kill me if not taken seriously or treated properly.
I have also been trapped on this vicious cycle. First, I get sick, then I miss work, then I am afraid I will get fired (and I loose pay) then I stress about money, then I have to run to my parents to ask for help, then I get sick again, (from all the stress and because I have NO immune system) then my face breaks out (from all the chemicals and stress) then my self confidence and esteem plummet, then I miss work, then I am afraid I will get fired, then I miss pay, then I have to run to my family to pay my bills….. round and round I go.
I have to tell you that age 32 has been THE WORST YEAR for me: mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I really took a beating. I also turned into someone I didn’t recognize. As a result of all of my own negative thinking, coupled with my diminishing self confidence and super low self esteem, (in addition to being sick) I became this weak, spineless, ass-kissing, doormat. I didn’t feel worthy of anything or anyone. I had given up all HOPE that I would ever feel better, be better, look better, work better, eat better….or live better.
Just when I was ready to give up completely, throw in the towel, roll over and die…OUT OF THE BLUE, things started to change.
Since I began working with this new allergy /immunologist miracle man as my doctor, a chain reaction of good things has been coming my way.
I spoke with the new GI Doctor and after reviewing my records, I have been taken OFF half of the medications / chemicals I had been taking. HALF OFF! I am down to having to take ONLY 10 pills a day. Not 22!! This is HUGE for me. I don’t have to take massive amounts of chemicals that rip through my liver anymore.
It also means I can GO BACK INTO THE SUN. (Some of the medications I was taking did not allow for me to be in the sun). I was FINALLY able to sit outside over the long weekend to breathe in AIR, soak up the rays, WITHOUT having to worry about possible adverse effects.
Now…for the best news of all!
I spent this past Labor Day Weekend with the most amazing woman ever. Her name is Brooke. She just happens to be crazy super educated, hilarious, brilliant, witty, charming, OH …AND SHE IS A CHEF…with tons / YEARS of experience dealing with people like me who have ‘special needs.’ She created and cooked several items THAT I CAN EAT. The menu is filled with foods that have TEXTURE, COLOR and FLAVOR. HELLO! I have been eating things like spaghetti squash in a shallot and roasted red pepper sauce (looks just like REAL spaghetti, tastes EVEN BETTER). Yes I still had grilled chicken breast…BUT… stuffed with ricotta cheese, artichoke hearts, swiss shard, and red onions, topped with fresh shredded parmesan. BEAT THAT! All organic. All natural. No additives. No preservatives. No bullshit I have to be worried about. No labels to read. Fresh whole foods.
She is TEACHING me HOW TO COOK these phenomenal dishes so I can continue to EAT like a REAL person. I do NOT know how to cook AT ALL. So, thankfully she will be showing me WHAT to do! In the meantime, she made enough food for me to last a week! Things like coconut-curry pork stir-fry over braised napa cabbage; egg white& veggie frittata over sautéed kale w/ bacon & onions; beef teriyaki over grilled baby bok choy; turkey tetrazini (w/ mushroom cream sauce) just to name a FEW of the CHOICES I am going to have!
I don’t have to be scared to eat anymore. I have CHOICES, and CONTROL.
I don’t have to be scared to eat at work anymore either. For the last year I haven’t even eaten lunch at work. I just watched everyone else around me stuff their faces with chips and sandwiches. It is very hard to stay focused and work a full day with NO FOOD. But, I was too scared to eat during work hours because I never knew what sort of reaction I would have. Rather than take a chance, with either an allergic reaction, OR, having a Crohn’s attack, I didn’t EAT AT ALL during the day.
But, NOT ANYMORE.
The last two days I have brought MY OWN FOOD in to the office. I have been watching the same people eat the same boring ass ham and cheese sandwiches, while I have been indulging in pure food goodness. Now people are jealous of what’s ON MY PLATE!
Because I missed food SOOO much and because I appreciate BEING ABLE TO EAT AGAIN sooo much, I truly enjoy EVERY SINGLE FLAVOR. I let each bite roll in my mouth as long as I can savoring each taste. And… I CANT STOP EATING! Yep. Pretty soon my new theme song will be a variation of PussyCat Dolls lyrics: “Don’t Cha wish your girl SICK friend was hot FAT like meâ€.
I have been OFF those medications, EATING REALLY GOOD FOOD, for a mere 6 days, and I ALREADY feel such an improvement. My stomach/body/and skin looks and feels better. I have COLOR back in my face. The black circles are GOING AWAY. I have ENERGY. I am NOT STARVING! I am no longer resentful of people that are chewing while I sucked down broth through a straw. I no longer feel deprived. I am not depressed. I am not angry. I am not freezing or sweating. I am not exhausted. I have not had insomnia. I have not experienced ONE SIDE EFFECT I used to feel on a daily basis.
I have HOPE every new day that I will only feel better and stronger.
AND
I have NOT been sick ONCE.
All of the food I have been eating is STAYING INSIDE OF MY BODY. Vitamins and Nutrients are STICKING to my intestines, being digested and getting ABSORBED by my bloodstream! Squeeeeeeee!
*(I wish I COULD call out of work to have an I feel GOOD day!)
Lastly and rather UNEXPEDTADLY, to top everything off, (for the first time since January) I made my BONUS at work.
With just 5 weeks until my birthday, the start of a whole new year, I know a new wind is blowing in my direction. The TIDE is TURNING. IN MY FAVOR. FINALLY.
I have HOPE that age 33 will be a healthy, happy, and a prosperous year for me.
