Friday Funnies: Dear Employees

Posted on September 28, 2007 by Meleah

*Since I am still catching up on ‘work’ stuff… here is another appropriate joke for the day. Happy Friday. Have a great weekend!*

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2. TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4. TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5. TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7. TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my f______ problem.

8. TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9. TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won’t work.

10. TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11. TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his a__.

12. TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13. TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14. TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I’m on salary.

15. TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16). TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17. TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18. TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Posted in Humor, Work | 21 Comments

David Letterman’s Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

Posted on September 27, 2007 by Meleah

I am feeling much better today. It was definitely a stomach virus. Two other people in my office were hit with the same nasty bug as well. I feel bad for them, but I am glad for me. That means it was NOT another ‘Crohns attack.’ Whew.

*While I was laying in bed for two days, I managed to answer the questions to “MY INTERVIEW” (See the post below).*

Anyway, now that I am back to work, I am buried underneath huge piles of paperwork and files, 8 million emails to answer, and busy playing catch up…I have to leave you with a joke.”David Letterman’s Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle”since it is appropriate and hilarious.

10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.

8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords – 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

And the Number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle is…

1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.


Posted in Humor, Work | 16 Comments

Protected: An Interview With Meleah

Posted on September 27, 2007 by Meleah

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

Posted in Drama Drama, Family, Friends, Life, Memes, Other Bloggers | Enter your password to view comments.

Back to Broth

Posted on September 26, 2007 by Meleah

I am sure ya’ll are just as sick of hearing about it as I am sick of writing about it. I am really sick of living with it. I don’t know if I ate too much? Or, if I ate something that was bad for me? Or, if my son brought home a virus from school? Or, if this has anything to do with me stopping the intake of all those meds? Maybe I really still do need some of those meds? But, I certainly weathered another 8-hour stint in my bathroom. And I haven’t been able to work. I can’t keep anything in my body. It is as if my stomach is a blender set on the puree cycle.

Damn it.

It is back to the dreaded ‘broth diet’ until my intestines settle down again.

Posted in Strong Medicine | 20 Comments

Eight Random Things About Moi

Posted on September 24, 2007 by Meleah

Lisa from OMYWORD has tagged me with 8 Random Facts About Moi…weeks ago… (Sorry!)

Anywhoo, instead of following the “rules” I am going to list: ‘8 Things I Did Over The Weekend’.

I have already done the 8 Random Facts About Me which can be found here…and…I am too tired to write a ‘real’ post.

But since I totally digg her, and since I really digg her blog, I figured I should write a little some’n some’n.

Here goes:

1. Yom Kippor was well spent feasting on food and spending quality time with my family late into the night.

2. As usual, I cleaned my whole house from top to bottom. (Including washing, drying, and folding ALL of the laundry).

3. I went grocery shopping. (And then, I was reminded of the only thing I dislike about my condo…the 4 flights of stairs I have to climb…while carrying 85 bags into my house).

4. I finally organized the 17 billion journals I have kept since I was 9 years old and put them into chronological order.

5. I received the phone call. I was given ‘ The Reason’ as to why an untimely end came of my friendship and why it came to an end at such an abrupt halt. (Sorry people, that will remain a private, personal, and confidential matter). However, it will now be easier for me to move forward with my life.

6. I went with my mother and my son to see THIS movie. (Umm…sooooo fucking gooooood…soooo fucking good. I can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I close my eyes another image from that movie paints my brain).

7. I was awoken at 8:30 AM on a SUNDAY morning, to endure manual and physical labor. As one of the most inactive people on the planet, and as someone who can’t get enough sleep, ever….this was a major feat. I helped my father move everything from one storage unit to another storage unit. (After a full day of lifting: giant sofas, big screen TV’s, over sized dining room tables, heavy boxes, Santa Clause sized plastic bags, and metal chairs (no longer questioning why both of  my brothers live in excess of 80 miles away) and…while sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th, I was more than simply panting, the smoker that is me…was also suffering from a severe shock to my lethargic system. I spent the rest of the day debilitated in a bubble bath).

8. Finally, I picked up some delicious, delectable, mouth watering, new meals…enough for the week… from Chef BrookeStone. Now my soon to be ‘fat ass’ can eat some gourmet style food. (I have to admit, that drive, was so totally worth the 40 minutes (each way)…and at 9pm on a Sunday night… even though I still couldn’t lift my arms or feel my legs).

* My weekend was good and I am proud to announce the feeling has returned to all of my extremities. (Now I am just incredibly sore). But, I feel like I never have enough time to do all of the things I want or need to do. (Like fulfilling the dire need to have a full body ben-gay rub down followed by 24 hours of unconsciousness…right about now). I feel like I always need One More Day. If only I could work three days a week and have four days “off” in. a. row. Then maybe? Just maybe? I’d be able to fit everything into my ever so hectic life. Or, maybe? I can just win the lottery and never have to work again. Yeah. I am pretty sure I would like that a whole lot better.

Posted in Life, Memes, Other Bloggers | 26 Comments

Sand And Stone

Posted on September 21, 2007 by Meleah

Since I will be busy all weekend writing other things, and since this is all too fitting for my present circumstances, here is a wonderful poem that I did not write:

Sand and Stone

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE! AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE”

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?”

THE FRIEND REPLIED
“WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT”

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A
MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
PERSON, AN HOUR TO
APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY
TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN
AN ENTIRE LIFE
TO FORGET THEM

Posted in Friends | 12 Comments

Thursdays Trivia: Two And A Half Men

Posted on September 20, 2007 by Meleah

MeleVision is running a contest!! With a FREE prize!! For the person with the most correct answers on this weeks Thursdays Trivia! If you watch the show Two And A Half Men, Or, if want a chance to be the winning twosome to live the once-in-a lifetime, free-wheeling extravagant lifestyle of Charlie Harper in a Malibu Home coupled with VIP treatment, spa package and spending money, may I suggest you head on over to MeleVision.

* The contest will be running until Monday morning. 

Posted in MeleVision, TV and Movies | 3 Comments

Friendships – When Losing One Hurts Like Hell

Posted on September 19, 2007 by Meleah

It’s devastating to learn that your friend no longer wants to be a part of your life, no matter what the reason. But especially, when that reason has not been made clear.

I have always taken my friendships very seriously. Very. Seriously.

Indeed it is rare to find true friends that love you and accept you for all that you are and love you and accept you for all that you are not.

I guess that’s why it hurts so much when they are gone.

A true friend can know you better than you know yourself. A true friend is always forgiving and honest. A true friend can also see you for all you are worth even when you can’t see it in yourself. They are there for the good times, and there for the bad,they even call you out on your shit.

I hate to sound cliche but, “The Harder The Truth To Tell, The Truer The Friend That Tells It.” My closest friends, the ones I trust the most, would never let me leave the house in an outfit that isn’t flattering, and always tell me when I need a breath mint. They tell me when I am great and they certainly tell me when I am an asshole.

I think you are lucky if you find just ONE friend like that in this world.

I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a handful of people that despite my efforts (or lack thereof) have remained in my life for years upon years. No matter how much time, or space, or distance, has come between us. These are the people in my life that I consider to be more than friends. They are more like family members to me. I have been able to share my entire self with them. These friends have stood by my side and supported every decision and dream I have ever had or made.

Likewise, I would do anything, for any of my friends, if they needed me to be there for them. I treasure each and every person that is in my life. (Even though I may not always have the time to call everyone back, or see them as much as I would like to).

Alas, I am writing this post with tears falling from my eyes and a very heavy heart. It seems that one of my truly valued friendships has come to an untimely and unexplained end.

Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever. Yet, I understand that friendships end and friends part company everyday. I know it is unfortunate, even the best maintained friendships can end. Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle. Sometimes friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other’s company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.

I get that.

But here is what I don’t get. Usually, I can pin point the reason or circumstance as to the: when, where, what, why, and how the relationship was terminated. And usually, it is my fault. (Mea Culpa. It is right there in the title of this blog people.)

However, in this particular case, with this particular friend, I don’t know what was/is the cause that has led to the sudden demise of our friendship.

I believe that it is very important to hold myself accountable for my actions and to take full responsibility when I am in the wrong. So, for the last two weeks I have been making myself crazy. I have been analyzing every word and every action, while replaying every single conversation, and every single moment in time we spent together over the last 4 years, in my head. After much thought and scrutiny I am still left wondering what I may have said or done that drove this person out of my life?

I can’t understand how we went from 17 billion phone calls a day, 24/7, talking for hours at a clip. To being totally cut off completely. With no explanation. I have made several attempts to initiate contact, either by phone call or email all to no avail.

I don’t usually have this much trouble letting go of a friendship. Shit, I have cut people out of my life that I felt were toxic for me, and I never gave them a second thought. But at least I had the decency to give them the courtesy of a phone call, or to write them a good bye letter, giving an explanation as to WHY I would no longer be a participating member of the relationship.

This person, the one who extended a hand in friendship, only to take it away, without warning or notice has been such an important role in my life that I am unable to walk away as easily.

When this person first came into my life it was purely for professional / business purposes. Friendly banter was exchanged, light hearted jokes were made, and, there was a genuine mutual respect amongst the two of us.

As time went on, we grew closer. It just so happened that I was going through one of the most painful break ups in my life. When no one else could stand to listen to me whine and cry any more, he stuck it out with me. He taught me how to laugh at myself. When I was in the darkest of places he was there shining the light. He helped me get out of bed and show up for life when I wanted to veer into oncoming traffic. When I wanted to give up, he gave me the strength to fight. Just having that someone to listen to me, just having that someone convince me I would be okay, just having that one person who understood what I was going through, was enough to put some of my broken pieces back together. His intellect and humor were merely added bonuses.

Long after I got over the painful break up, not only did we remain friends, we grew even closer.

He opened my eyes to so many things in this world that I would have never thought to take an interest in. He enriched my life in more ways than I imagined possible. He brought art and words back in to my life.

He once suggested that I take a class in college to meet people, to get out of the house, and more importantly to get out of my head. Since I viewed this man not only as my friend but as a bit of a mentor, I followed his advice. I only took one class for one semester but it was just what I needed.

He is also partly responsible for me having this blog. I didn’t even know what a blog was until Leslie showed hers to me. After being enamored with Leslie’s blogs(s), he promoted the idea of me starting my own blog. He even helped create the title. He thought that blogging would somehow benefit my life. (Obviously, he was right. It has.)

He was my toughest critic when it came to the rough drafts with respects to writing my book. He never just told me, “yeah, yeah it’s great.” He actually told me what sucked, or needed work. He has helped me grow so much over the last four years. I have always felt safe knowing that he was watching over me (from afar) as he guided me down a very rock road to reclaim that independence I had lost.

As most of you can tell I am a pretty open person. I reveal way too much about myself / personal life on the internet, but there are some things I can’t / don’t tell everyone. In fact, I have some secrets that I keep from EVERYONE.

He was the ONE person I could, and DID tell EVERYTHING too.

It has been four years of him mentoring me. It has been four years of listening to me and watching me wrestle with my personal demons. It has been four years of heated religious and political debates. It has been four years of laughter, jokes, and even the occasional fights.

So HOW did we go from having all of THAT, to having NOTHING?

Now that he is gone, who will I turn to? Who will I argue with? Who will make me laugh like that? Who will let me call them at 3 am so that I can cry on their shoulder? Who is going to hold my hand the next time I am alone? Who is going to correct my grammar and spelling? Who else is going to expand my vocabulary? Who is going to know the answers to all of my History questions? Who else will love a penny as much as he did? Who is going to tease me and comfort me all at the same time? Who is going to get me through losing him?

I know I have other people I can lean on. I know that I am blessed with family and several BEST FRIENDS that I can turn to. But not in the same way he was able to teach me and reach me. I miss him. A lot.

And, this…hurts.

Especially since it seems that nothing can be done to mend the friendship.

Even though he is choosing to no longer be a part of my life, I will ALWAYS value what he has given me.

I am trying to hold on to the fact that people will come in and out of my life for a various reason. Some are meant to stay forever. Others are here only temporarily to teach me a valuable lesson or to help me through something. Maybe I was in his life to teach or to help him and that lesson has been learned and our time together is simply over.

Yet I still have no closure. And no answers. Maybe I never will. I guess it is important for me to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then maybe I can move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships. I suppose I can live with that.

But it is going to take some time to get used to this new empty place in my life that was once filled with his presence.

Posted in Drama Drama, Friends | 50 Comments

Nonsense Story Meme

Posted on September 19, 2007 by Meleah

Amber from Random Magus has tagged me with this “nonsense story meme…”

It is a clever meme which does not center around a person. It’s a wacky story and its fun. I only hope I can continue the story well.

Here are the rules from Gracie’s site.
1. Copy and paste the story below, and the rules, on your blog.
2. Find out who you’re going to tag. (2-3 people, or more, if you wish)
3. Write one or two sentences to continue the story, and use the titles of the blogs you’re tagging or any word(s) associated with them as keywords in the links you include in your part of the story.
4. Remember to tell your taggees that you’ve tagged them!
5. Feel free to use this and start your own viral link story. I’d very much appreciate a link back to Mother’s Home! if you do. (Or a tag, if you prefer!)

Here’s the beginning:

Mother’s Home! the cave troll yelled. I have been out all day strangling chickens like CRAZY! for the evil Empress. All i want now is a MOment to myself, but i keep getting Linda talking Drivel, but that is better than a certain someone Mooing. Then suddenly what should appear but the NOT evil Empress and all her strangled chickens and Mags cooked them all up and made us a lovely cake to eat. Gracie wanted all the cake for herself but the NOT evil Empress was able to hack off a good sized slab for herself!!! Ha ha ha, Gracie belched loudly after eating all the scrumptious cake that Mags had baked and watched Callie scrappin’ with Sarge about who was gonna win Big Brother 8. Sarge started humming “Dixie,” and almost choked on the bite of cake in his mouth! So he got some coffee to go to wash down the cake. The coffee helped a bit but he had to vocalize before he started singing again so he began, “Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi…”

…who heard him all the way from Bloggingham Palace and said, “Where is that awful noise coming from? Is there a sick wailing Wacky Mom loose in the woods?” She said, “I’ll bet Songbird can teach him to sing!” but she was busy BONDing in the desert with Kathleen who sat writing heresy in her diary. She was absolutely no help. So Mi-Mi asked Kat to put him on the PP&P list to save his sorry soul. Alas, Ralph the Airhead made a new batch but the Patti-cakes fell in Polliwog’s Pond and nobody got to eat cake after all! It was all Bee’s fault (somehow). Feeling sorry for herself, she pranced over to Odat’s for a dance but she only heard strange mumbling…

That mumbling, however, resulted from The Alien Next Door trying to clone Justin Stanely’s Weblog. The meticulous and risky cloning occurred throughout several millennia, past, present, and future. Or so it seemed; no one could keep count. It was just too much. The mind-numbing years had finally sublimed the earth into a pristine Bobbarama. All well and good, said Bob, but whatever happened to the rules? Before anyone got hurt, however, enough stars fell and crashed to alert Sci-Fi Girl, who grabbed her laptop and returned to the woods, where Mimi’s Dating Profile popped up, allowing a lion to lie happily next to a lamb…

Now, the insane writer burst into the forest, kissing the dogwood and sat on the lion, spinning tales about sci-fi girl’s boyfriend, sci-fi guy, who had his eye on [her] DNA, which he was hoping to sell for anything goes. But just then the mad goat lady and the drowsey monkey pranced into the forest and sang a truly quiet symphony, which annoyed the insane writer.

“What’s that funky sound?” screamed sci-fi guy.

“Well, it sure isn’t a raspberry-latte!” grumbled the insane writer. “Get a grip, sci-fi guy! You’re my main character! I expect you to know how to split an atom! Ignore that woman and her indolent pet! Now, go and do your dastardly thing!”

Kissing the dogwood had been a lure, a trap set by the Mighty Morgan to take control of the BlogWood. Those petulant witches disguised as writers must be eradicated, them and their man slaves. She stuck her talons into the lion with A Twist and a Skewer till it rolled over and laughingly pleaded to go back to Neverland where it had been extremely happy. Her faithful followers, the Gargons grouped around her skirt folds, drooling and kissing her hem in adoration. “Here, take this poison” she commanded, “why? (asked) paisley“, the only rebel in the camp. “To blight their computers my little friends, it’s a special potion A Bit of This and a Dash of the Other“…she smiled mysteriously in her best Mae West accent and set off in search of the Englebert Humperdink Fan Club.

well they searched all over boricua in texas….till they found just write road… aha this was the place… if they could just get in the front row,, surely that was the place that screamed “flash your knickers here“… and oh yes… they would… in doing so they could only hope to distract the masses long enough for the twisted sisters to sneak in with the special potion they had cooked up………

Disguised as margarita’s with colorful umbrellas, they sipped the potion while sitting in a nice place in the sun until they were laughing hysterically and begging for more comedy. Meanwhile, a random Magus roamed the woods searching for the golden icon that was being guarded by the Priory of Firefox. The icon held all the secrets of the blogging world, and these secrets were to remain hidden for all time…

We have to climb this tree of magically changing heights to get to the dangerous land of Greg’s Brain for there we can unlock the secret of the icon, the icon called Remedial Rumination – what did it mean?. They crossed amel’s realm but the passageway was really dark, where is Titania Starlight when you need her we could do with some of her shining, said Meleah Rebeccah The two of them looked at each other and then gazing into the abyss…they had an idea, an idea so brilliant….they laughed hysterically – Rubyshooz...but of course they will take us there..

Take us where? Why we are off to The Wonderful World Of Nothing said, Liz. Meanwhile, Leslie blew elaborate smokerings and Ricardo finally un-loaded that hidden secret serect passageway that led to ….

Posted in Memes, Other Bloggers | 8 Comments

Time Management

Posted on September 17, 2007 by Meleah

For both personal and professional reasons, I will not be posting as often as I have been. I will do my best to post 3 times a week. However, I am under a huge amount of pressure at work these days. I have been so busy that I am have been too burnt out to do much else. My hearts desire to finish writing my book has also become far more important to me. I love this blog and all of my readers… I just have to slow it down a bit.

Posted in Life, Work, Writing | 22 Comments