It’s devastating to learn that your friend no longer wants to be a part of your life, no matter what the reason. But especially, when that reason has not been made clear.
I have always taken my friendships very seriously. Very. Seriously.
Indeed it is rare to find true friends that love you and accept you for all that you are and love you and accept you for all that you are not.
I guess that’s why it hurts so much when they are gone.
A true friend can know you better than you know yourself. A true friend is always forgiving and honest. A true friend can also see you for all you are worth even when you can’t see it in yourself. They are there for the good times, and there for the bad,they even call you out on your shit.
I hate to sound cliche but, “The Harder The Truth To Tell, The Truer The Friend That Tells It.” My closest friends, the ones I trust the most, would never let me leave the house in an outfit that isn’t flattering, and always tell me when I need a breath mint. They tell me when I am great and they certainly tell me when I am an asshole.
I think you are lucky if you find just ONE friend like that in this world.
I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a handful of people that despite my efforts (or lack thereof) have remained in my life for years upon years. No matter how much time, or space, or distance, has come between us. These are the people in my life that I consider to be more than friends. They are more like family members to me. I have been able to share my entire self with them. These friends have stood by my side and supported every decision and dream I have ever had or made.
Likewise, I would do anything, for any of my friends, if they needed me to be there for them. I treasure each and every person that is in my life. (Even though I may not always have the time to call everyone back, or see them as much as I would like to).
Alas, I am writing this post with tears falling from my eyes and a very heavy heart. It seems that one of my truly valued friendships has come to an untimely and unexplained end.
Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever. Yet, I understand that friendships end and friends part company everyday. I know it is unfortunate, even the best maintained friendships can end. Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle. Sometimes friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other’s company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.
I get that.
But here is what I don’t get. Usually, I can pin point the reason or circumstance as to the: when, where, what, why, and how the relationship was terminated. And usually, it is my fault. (Mea Culpa. It is right there in the title of this blog people.)
However, in this particular case, with this particular friend, I don’t know what was/is the cause that has led to the sudden demise of our friendship.
I believe that it is very important to hold myself accountable for my actions and to take full responsibility when I am in the wrong. So, for the last two weeks I have been making myself crazy. I have been analyzing every word and every action, while replaying every single conversation, and every single moment in time we spent together over the last 4 years, in my head. After much thought and scrutiny I am still left wondering what I may have said or done that drove this person out of my life?
I can’t understand how we went from 17 billion phone calls a day, 24/7, talking for hours at a clip. To being totally cut off completely. With no explanation. I have made several attempts to initiate contact, either by phone call or email all to no avail.
I don’t usually have this much trouble letting go of a friendship. Shit, I have cut people out of my life that I felt were toxic for me, and I never gave them a second thought. But at least I had the decency to give them the courtesy of a phone call, or to write them a good bye letter, giving an explanation as to WHY I would no longer be a participating member of the relationship.
This person, the one who extended a hand in friendship, only to take it away, without warning or notice has been such an important role in my life that I am unable to walk away as easily.
When this person first came into my life it was purely for professional / business purposes. Friendly banter was exchanged, light hearted jokes were made, and, there was a genuine mutual respect amongst the two of us.
As time went on, we grew closer. It just so happened that I was going through one of the most painful break ups in my life. When no one else could stand to listen to me whine and cry any more, he stuck it out with me. He taught me how to laugh at myself. When I was in the darkest of places he was there shining the light. He helped me get out of bed and show up for life when I wanted to veer into oncoming traffic. When I wanted to give up, he gave me the strength to fight. Just having that someone to listen to me, just having that someone convince me I would be okay, just having that one person who understood what I was going through, was enough to put some of my broken pieces back together. His intellect and humor were merely added bonuses.
Long after I got over the painful break up, not only did we remain friends, we grew even closer.
He opened my eyes to so many things in this world that I would have never thought to take an interest in. He enriched my life in more ways than I imagined possible. He brought art and words back in to my life.
He once suggested that I take a class in college to meet people, to get out of the house, and more importantly to get out of my head. Since I viewed this man not only as my friend but as a bit of a mentor, I followed his advice. I only took one class for one semester but it was just what I needed.
He is also partly responsible for me having this blog. I didn’t even know what a blog was until Leslie showed hers to me. After being enamored with Leslie’s blogs(s), he promoted the idea of me starting my own blog. He even helped create the title. He thought that blogging would somehow benefit my life. (Obviously, he was right. It has.)
He was my toughest critic when it came to the rough drafts with respects to writing my book. He never just told me, “yeah, yeah it’s great.” He actually told me what sucked, or needed work. He has helped me grow so much over the last four years. I have always felt safe knowing that he was watching over me (from afar) as he guided me down a very rock road to reclaim that independence I had lost.
As most of you can tell I am a pretty open person. I reveal way too much about myself / personal life on the internet, but there are some things I can’t / don’t tell everyone. In fact, I have some secrets that I keep from EVERYONE.
He was the ONE person I could, and DID tell EVERYTHING too.
It has been four years of him mentoring me. It has been four years of listening to me and watching me wrestle with my personal demons. It has been four years of heated religious and political debates. It has been four years of laughter, jokes, and even the occasional fights.
So HOW did we go from having all of THAT, to having NOTHING?
Now that he is gone, who will I turn to? Who will I argue with? Who will make me laugh like that? Who will let me call them at 3 am so that I can cry on their shoulder? Who is going to hold my hand the next time I am alone? Who is going to correct my grammar and spelling? Who else is going to expand my vocabulary? Who is going to know the answers to all of my History questions? Who else will love a penny as much as he did? Who is going to tease me and comfort me all at the same time? Who is going to get me through losing him?
I know I have other people I can lean on. I know that I am blessed with family and several BEST FRIENDS that I can turn to. But not in the same way he was able to teach me and reach me. I miss him. A lot.
And, this…hurts.
Especially since it seems that nothing can be done to mend the friendship.
Even though he is choosing to no longer be a part of my life, I will ALWAYS value what he has given me.
I am trying to hold on to the fact that people will come in and out of my life for a various reason. Some are meant to stay forever. Others are here only temporarily to teach me a valuable lesson or to help me through something. Maybe I was in his life to teach or to help him and that lesson has been learned and our time together is simply over.
Yet I still have no closure. And no answers. Maybe I never will. I guess it is important for me to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then maybe I can move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships. I suppose I can live with that.
But it is going to take some time to get used to this new empty place in my life that was once filled with his presence.
WTF!!!??
i.m sending him my own email
People moving through our lives is part of our growth. There is no such thing as forever. Enjoy them while they are there, and if you care about them or love them, let them go. They might stay, they might go, they might come back, or maybe not. Nothing can change what you had.
I think over again my small adventures.
My fears.
Those small ones that seemed so big.
For all the vital things
I had to get and to reach.
And yet there is only one great thing.
The only thing.
To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fulfills the world.
Eskimo Prayer
Thank you Greg. That is very true.
——
Mom: I have been saying WTF for DAYS now. Don’t send him an email. That might just make things worse. Leave it alone. I am.
——
DAZD: Thank you for that poem.
Oh, Meleah, my heart breaks for you. This must be every bit as painful as a romantic breakup. Maybe even more so. I am sorry you are going through this.
meleah ,
as long as you know that you have acted out your friendship with integrity and honesty, then there should be no mea culpa.
there could be other reasons why this friendship has broken up and they could be his reasons. maybe he has found a partner —two is company–three is a crowd–you are looking for reasons in your behavior to justify the parting of the ways.
look at what you have gained in the last few years and not what is “lost”
what is that saying–better to have lived as a tiger for a day, than a sheep for a lifetime.
you have been blessed with an experience , cherish the moments and move on.
maybe some time in the future all will be clarified.
take care
derick
you should dwell on this.
you should continue to dwell on this
for the next three months
and then in the new year
your resolution can be to get the fuck over it.
oh and call me cause i am still here for you regardless and your obviously struggling with this.
all my love hoolio, all my love.
I’ll be your blog friend, for all the hollow consolation that is.
SA
I went through what you are going through a few years ago but it was partly my fault and partly my friends. Somtimes people think that you can’t change and when you do they can’t accept that. But not knowing why someone who you have been so close to has suddenly decided to not be a part of your life must be horrifying -I knew the reasons yet I missed my friendship.
I think until you get closure it’ll be difficult to get over such a strong friendship, you deserve that closure. So you must get a hold of him and demand an explanation – it’s not fair.
INGRID:
This IS harder than a break up. when you BREAK UP with someone you go to your best friend for consolation. When your BEST FRIEND breaks up with you AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY… it sucks.
———–
DERICK:
Thats all well & lovely, and I will hold on to what I had with him. But I am NOT READY to ‘move on’. This just happened. I think writing this post was my first step in LETTING GO.
———–
BFF (Jennifer):
I am not dwelling. [Read above, ditto to you what I wrote to Derick]
———–
SA:
Deal.
———
AMBER:
I am sure I did something, that is what I am trying to FIND out. But he wont respond. I mean even if he wants to tell me to FUCK off and go away forever, I will have to come to terms with that. But the WHY is sort of driving me crazy. Thank you sooo much for understanding and for being so supportive. 🙂
This is a terrible storu and I have one like this too. I will explain it all to you one day but it was gutting. I felt awful for a long time. But I feel the way you said. some people are always in your life, some come and go. It was hard to accept that. There’s all sorts of reasons that he could have ended things that have little to do with you and more to do with his life. As some have pointed out here, maybe he found someone and she forced him to sever the ties. But I’m speculating too much. There are so many reasons. I’m sorry about this and hope you find some closure and reasons why. If not, don’t let it keep you down for too long.
I can assure each and every one of you that it is NOT another ‘girl’ …. ya’ll will just have to TRUST that one….
There are so many REASONS to speculate with respects to WHY… I have spent TWO WEEKS speculating. That has proven to be as effective as beating a dead horse.
I dont know WHY. I may NEVER know WHY.
It just HURTS.
———–
I have had friendships end like this as well – and I never found out why. I think people do change – whether we want them to or not. I am sorry for your pain – I wish you peace….
i am clueless… and i don’t keep any close friends.. for similar reasons… alone is safer.. yet indeed more monotonous….
i am here if you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on.. or just someone to shoot an email to….
xxoo
Hugs
You cant do that.
You cant tell me to read what you told Derick, and act like its meant for me.
I’d rather not comment then if I’m just gonna get a recyled reply.
JEN: LIKE I NEED MORE SHIT FROM “FRIENDS” RIGHT NOW?? …. THANKS
I’m so sorry Mel, hang in there. I don’t really know what to say other than I will always be around for you.
hugs
FV
xo
I am so sorry, the last thing you need now is advice so I will give you my empathy and sympathy. I, like you value and treasure my friendships, I only have a handful of close friends and they mean the world to me. I am always despondent when one moves away because it is hard to find those few people and they are not easily replaced in my life. In a way, this is what it is like for you so I totally understand.
Meleah, I am so sad for your pain. Nothing stings like rejection when we have no idea why. I think that not leaving any clues is the cruelest thing one can do. Obviously, there are some issues going on in his life, and it is probably not reflection on you at all. If you had done something deeply disturbing to him, you would likely know what it is. Not getting to say goodbye hard, letting go is even harder. But I do know that when one person exists our life, it isn’t long before another enters. Allow yourself to grieve, but keep the door open and the lights on!
You deserve an explanation. No one who is that close to you just disappears out of your life… unless there is something deeper going on that you were unaware of. If it were me, I’d bug the shit out of him until I got an answer 😉
But if it’s any consolation, I know how you feel…
{HUGS}
apparently you have another Beth so I am going to try to identify myself from now on, Bloggin’ Blah Blah Beth in the above comment.
Oh Meleah..
This is just horrible. It is horrible enough when there is disharmony between friends, when that friendship comes to an end, but to not know WHY?
I am at odds to understand this behaviour, without coming to the conclusion that perhaps someone else has intervened here (could it be his wife??) and he doesn’t want to share that with you..
It is cruel really, and very selfish. I hasten to add that he is not the person you thought him to be. It is simply not acceptable to be so obtuse, so harsh, so rude.
My friends are so important to me. Even though some of them reside more in my memories than in my physical life (I’ve lived overseas a lot…), they are all precious and never have I been part of a shattered friendship, for things can always, and have always been resolved…
I would like to think this can be too, but the lack of communication or discussion will most certainly kill it.
Oh! It is too horrible!
Please email me if you want to talk about it, for I will always be your friend, darling, even if I am on the other side of the planet!!
Love you.
Kisses.
xox
Greg’s right; things come to an end with no explanations and we just have to take it. Try not to dwell on the ending but on all the great in-between….don’t let this sour your new lease on life, you were feeling/doing so great! 🙂
Missed you tons.
I am so sorry this has happened. I know what it feels like – the pain and sorrow is so great it leaves you gasping. Four years ago a very close friend of mine with whom I had been friends forever suddenly severed all ties with me. Phone call after phone call, email after email led to nothing. I went round to her house countless times and she wouldn’t let me in. I tied myself up in knots trying to figure out what I had done wrong. After 6 months of getting nowhere, I gave up.
About a year ago I ran into her sister and she told me the reason my friend had stopped seeing me was because her husband was beating her (again.) 5 years prior to that she had left him after he put her face through a window. She stayed with me for 6 months but sadly, did go back to him. Seems the second time around she was too embarrassed to tell me it was happening again.
To this day I wish she had told me what was going on. Her son goes to the same school as mine and we just nod to each other like casual acquaintances. It still hurts to see her but until she is ready to let me in there is nothing I can do. Oh, Meleah, my heart goes out to you. I hope that soon you find out what has triggered all of this.
Take care.
When I found out it was a man, I think I can hazard a guess. This is not a man hating thing. But even the most decent men are different than you and me. They may, for some innocuous reason (actually no particular reason) decide that they feel closed in, things are too close, or some fucked up thing like that. There is also the possibility that some skank is now in their life and doesn’t like the friendship, or the guy is no longer interested now that he has the skank on a line (and I know this can happen when it is nonsexual–since I never have sex with men, but have men friends)
The second thing is men do not have friendships in the same way that women do. They have pals. The interchange at a different level than women. It has less meaning, and certainly not the emotional depth, so is disposal when for some fucked up non-reason they decide this is necessary,
They are also a bit cowardly and afraid to (or are constitutionally incapable) of explaining why it is necessary for them to break up the friendship (of course, often like this there is no real reason other than some testosterone side effect)–and so to avoid confrontation and explanation (which they are unable to do) they just break it off.
I really strongly suspect that is what happened.
~Becky
Meleah, I’ve heard this saying somewhere that time heals all wounds, don’t know if it really does but for your sake I hope it does. And judging by all the friends you have up there who left comments, I’m sure you’ll get through this no matter how painful it would seem … move on girl 😀
Sometimes we find out that it has nothing to do with us. I have had tough times in my life, and some friends couldn’t hang with me, no matter how much they cared for me. Something about what I was going through reminded them of something they had been through and they couldn’t deal. Years ago I lost my job and lost many friends. One girlfriend disappeared, and when I resettled, with income, she reappeared. She isn’t shallow. She was just scared. She suffered from extreme poverty in her childhood and is terrified every day that she might go there again. So my situation scared her. I have never made an issue of it. Another girlfriend hated me when I was making more money than her and loved me when I wasn’t. I just realized that it was about me, but it really wasn’t about me. Ya know?
i’m so glad you didnt take his $100 million!!! Read & weep, asshole!
BETH42: Thank you for the support
——
PAISLEY: shit like THIS makes it HARD to TRUST people. Its not like I have THAT many people in my life…and here I was already feeling pretty lonely.
——-
LESLIE: Thanks for calling me last night that helped a lot. hugs back 🙂
——-
FV: Thanks doll
—–
BETH BLAH BLAH: Thank you for the support and understanding how much this SUCKS
——-
JOISE2SHOES: Yes! IT IS CRUEL. There is no other way to put it.
I am just working on accepting the reality that he no longer wants to be in my life no matter WHAT the reason.
——-
DAWN: You have no idea HOW close I was to taking a day off from work and SHOWING up in his face so he would HAVE to answer me…but then I realized that was INSANE. I doubt I will ever know the cause, the reason, the why…and that is HARD to swallow, but its even HARDER letting go of someone I valued so much.
——-
MINX: Yes, it is CRUEL and SELFISH. To discard me as if I was nothing, like our friendship was nothing? Did he get whatever it was he wanted or needed from me and then when HE decided ‘its over’ he takes the friendship away without even discussing it? OR, am I simply too much to deal with, with all my DRAMA and all my PROBLEMS. Maybe I burnt him out? Either way, I will never understand how someone can be so COLD.
——-
SG: Oh!! I miss you too woman. And yes GREG…. is RIGHT… (as usual). I am not going to let this ruin my new year, (October 8th Ill be 33) so I am giving myself from NOW until THEN to ‘grieve’.
——-
SELMA: I’m sorry this happened to you too. Iam even more sorry for your friend.
——-
BECKI: Yeah…why is that? Why is it so easy for him / or MEN….to DISPOSE of friendships that? And…why are they cowardly and afraid to (or are constitutionally incapable) of explaining why it is necessary for them to break up the friendship….. Ugh!
—–
NICK: I am trying to move on. Writing this post is the beginning of ‘healing’ or something like that….
——–
OMYWORD: Weather it was HIS SHIT or MY SHIT I will never know. I am sure it is a combination of both? Its just hard getting used to NOT talking to him.
——-
MOM: I know right? What was with that email?…. sheesh. I love you. Thank you for defending your daughter. 🙂
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope one way or another you can find peace with this. Hugs your way!
While many (most?) cultures in the world accept grieving as part of transition (death or serious change), I’ve always thought it is the worst thing to do. I admire the cultures that celebrate death. You can still have feelings of sadness while celebrating. Celebrate the memories. And celebrate the future. The people that survive and that were close to those who died carry part of that person with them. So in this way the survivors carry the memories of the dead. The loss still hurts and that’s ok, but celebrate that feeling rather than be sorry for it.
The same applies to any transition (change) in our lives. Celebrate them. Relish the sorrow and the fear that comes with it. So many people focus on the moment of change or death, rather than the life that preceded it. Like I said, that doesn’t make sense.
Greg: I think I am relishing in the sorrow. I am sad. Very sad. I REALLY miss my friend. I have tons of pictures, videos, emails, letters that I will keep and save and love forever…. and I do celebrate the 4 years I had him in my life. I learned so much. He helped me to grow as a person in SO MANY WAYS. I will always HAVE that no matter what.
BUT I STILL WISH HE WOULD CALL ME…
is that nuts?
It’s human. But by nature we aren’t very rational critters. We need discipline to keep ourselves from running out in the middle of traffic. I know that’s a “bad” word with a lot of people, but if you’ve made it through high school, you’ve learned enough discipline to live a decent enough life.
Misery is like a sore in your mouth. It hurts but kind of feels good to push your tongue against it. Some people actively seek it out by blaming themselves for everything anytime difficulty or conflict comes up. Even if something is your fault, wallowing in the misery doesn’t do anything. You have to break out of it because if all other things remain the same, it will persist forever.
HMMMMMMM…………
(to be continued comment.)
ME.OLLY
HI!:))))
XOXOXO
I am so sorry. This happened to me once before and the grief was like a death in the family, except it was their choice to die to me, which somehow made it worse. I am so sad for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts tonight….
OLLY: Hi doll. *waving*
——-
Stealth: Yes! It is just like a death in the family …..and it is worse because there is no closure. I just have to ‘let go’ Thank you so much.
———–
* Ya’ll will NEVER know just how much all of your comments and the AWESOME emails you guys have sent means to me. *
It’s not about getting over the person or not being miserable – I would be just furious at being treated like that. Once you know why then it’s easier to get over it and celebrate the memories. But until you know why, you are plain outraged and there is nothing really to remember fondly because everything then seems to have been meaningless. You DESERVE to know why and I think you should send him a scathing letter or something. This is just not right. I am so angry on your behalf – you don’t cut of people without letting them know why.
THANK YOU AMBER….
Fuck! I am justified in being ANGRY !! HOORAY. Someone who understands. I cant just move on and let go and celebrate the ‘time we had together’ … because I really am SOOO pissed and VERY confused, and TOTALLY hurt.
But there is NOTHING I can do. Being powerless is just as frustrating.
Short of acting insane, like SHOWING up in his office parking lot one day (unannounced, and unexpected) to confront him…. I have no other ideas or way to get the answers I DESERVE.
But, that is just not my style. I cant run around town chasing this person. I don’t want to make more of a fool of myself than I already have.
Instead I have sent a few emails, some were nice, some were questionable. I have left enough voice mails. But, he has NOT responded to ONE WORD.
Nor do I think he ever will.
THANK YOU for being MAD with me.
I have expericnced the same thing and it still bothers me 10 years later.
It’s their problem not yours.
Sorry you’re going through it
You can be sad, angry, or whatever emotion suits you. But what is the point of confronting someone in a situation like this? Do you think it will make it better or worse? Most likely just worse.
If he is a typical human being he has continued to read your blog and has read everything you’ve said, and what others have said. He’s still chosen to maintain his direction. If you were really his friend at one point, then let him go where he feels he needs to go. He only needs an explanation if he decides to come back.
Direct all that energy to something that will benefit you.
Well, my first thought while reading this was that he had developed romantic feelings for you, and felt they would always be unrequited, so he decided to cut you off cold because it was too painful for him to be in contact with you. Yes, I can go off on my little imaginative tangents.
The bottom line is this: yes, you have every right to be pissed off; yes, whatever the problem, its HIS problem since he can’t even step up to the plate enough – out of sheer respect for you and the friendship – to share it with you; and no, it is not worth one minute more contemplation than the time it takes for you to reach a place of release.
Just work through your feelings, and take care of yourself. There are too many cool things going on in your life right now to devote any more energy to him or the situation than is necessary for you to move on.
Everyone before me has said it all. I just wanted to say that I wish you weren’t hurting and it is awful to lose a friend and not know why. It’s difficult to let go or grieve without some sense of the why, having some closure.
Like HollyGL said, “Just work through your feelings, and take care of yourself.”
Um. Is he only your friend? Really?
I went through the exact same thing many years ago. Guy and I were best friends, could talk about anything etc.. Then one day, everything suddenly ended. When I called him to find out WTF was happening, he’d either hang up or tell me HE’s not home. Nobody around us (we had lots of mutual friends) knew why this was happening. If they did, they sure as hell weren’t telling me. I was really sad at first, then I got really angry. It was really WTF for me. Till this day, I don’t know what the hell happened and I haven’t seen him since. Like you, I had no closure. Now I no longer care. If this is what our friendship meant to him, then so be it.
It will take time, but things will get better.
HAMMER:
Thanks. Wow 10 years later? I sure hope I feel better in 10 DAYS from now.
——–
Greg:
There is NO point in confronting him. That would be an exercise in futility.
———
Holly: * I miss you*
Maybe I said something that hurt him? Maybe I crossed an invisible line?? Maybe I needed him too much and he couldn’t take it anymore? Maybe he had a crush on me like you said. WHO KNOWS. I sure don’t. I can make all kinds of accusations and speculations, but that is just a WASTE of TIME. The fact remains, he no longer wants to be a part of my life. I have to live with that. deal with that. process that. and THEN I can ‘move on.’
———-
MsQ:
I will.
———-
Kellypea:
No, he is / was NOT my ONLY friend. But, he was the ONLY friend I was completely honest with. About EVERYTHING. Maybe thats what scared him off. Maybe I am just too fucked up.
———-
Lis:
Yup. That is pretty much the deal.
I am sorry.
I stopped by to read one of your stories and then this one happened. Wow – you really shared from the heart that. I am sorry you lost your friend. It is so crushing to read how you’re feeling. I’ve been there and it’s terrible. It’s like losing a part of you. And to be completely cut off it’s almost like someone has died.
I wonder why your friend is gone? It’s such a shame. You really seem to love him so much.
So sorry.
He called.