Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

[Proceed With Caution & Heed Strong Warning: This is probably going to be the longest post in blog history. I just hope that I can hold the attention of my dear, ever so dedicated reader(s?) long enough?]

I am utterly compelled to start this post with a piece of the underlying ancient history leading up to the events that occurred this past weekend. I don’t think the intensity of the reunion would be served the proper justice without the backstory.

Conversely, the backstory is REALLY F*CKING LONG. So I will do my best to summarize as quickly as possible. Mind you, I am not a great ‘chronological writer’. Usually my posts are better received when I bring you with me… step by step, with every intricate detail (like how I roll when I am writing ‘The Book’).

Anyway, in the interest of sparing you three-five hours of reading material, the italicized part of this post feels a little flat to me. It may sound a little forced and very rushed. (but that’s because it is). And it will probably feel that way to you too.

Wait.

Did I loose you already?

No? Good.

But. Um. Yeah. Here is where that might happen….

I have never fully disclosed the details surrounding my relationship with Danny to anyone. ‘The History Of Danny & Meleah’ is a very complicated one. Filled with drama and teenage angst. While yes, it is true we were ‘Best Friends’. Best Friends since I was all of 17 years old. I have to admit during the course of that ‘friendship’ we dabbled in the bed of intimacy. But, nothing ever truly blossomed. Even though there were genuine feelings on both sides, the timing was never right for us to be ‘together’. There were a series of perpetual roadblocks in our way. Either he was in a relationship, or I was in a relationship. In addition to that, I was very busy being a single mother and I was working at The Bar. He was held hostage to a lifestyle that forced him into living bi-coastally, having to maintain two lives. It was impossible for anything to become concrete between us. Press Fast forward to the 12th year of our endeavors, when our “friendship” finally had the opportunity to develop into a “relationship”. For once, we were both single and living on the same coast.

Alas, as boyfriend and girlfriend, we never stood a chance.

To say it was a tumultuous relationship is putting it mildly. I was in the beginning stages of my gripping addiction. He didn’t trust me worth a dime. (And with just cause). Even though my mother tried to warn him as to what he was blindly walking into, he tried his best to make US work. But the deception and my out of control sneaky ways, coupled with lie after lie was more than Danny could bear. As much as Danny loved me, he hit the breaking point long before I was willing to clean up my act. Not that he was an angel. Lord knows he was just as bad as I was when it came to ‘partying’ but at least he wasn’t a liar about it. The long story cut short: The extent of my drug use and all of the lies that surrounded it was too painful for him to deal with. Rightfully so. That was the imminent demise of any relationship/friendship.

Are you still here?

Did you get all that?

At least sort of?

Okay.

Now, on to the “Reunion Weekend”.

Last Friday, I was on a mission to dance with destiny in Somewhere Pennsylvania. It had been 7 years. Seven full years since I last saw Danny. I can say with utmost certainty, if I had to wait one more second…wondering about what was going to happen, or to see what he looked like, or how he would react to me, or, or or, [insert a variable of what if’s here] I would have exploded.

On the drive up, having no idea what to expect, I was literally shaking on the inside. I went through every conceivable emotion known to mankind…at the same time. I was happy, nervous, excited, worried, thrilled, and terrified, complete with butterflies in the pit of my gut.

As I entered Danny’s complex, the very complex I had visited over a lifetime ago, I started sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th quarter. It was dark outside and I couldn’t see the numbers identifying his house. I called to let him know I had arrived. The outline of his body appeared in the upper bedroom window as he waved me into the parking space.

I was greeted with the smiling face of Danny’s mom. A smiling face I hadn’t seen (or forgotten) in way too long. We gave each other a hug and kiss hello and went right into comfortable chatter while Danny was still ‘getting ready’ upstairs.

When he came down the stairs he was holding his luggage in front of him. I told him, “Drop everything! I need a hug NOW!”

When we first touched…it was almost electric. I know he could feel how shaky, excited, and nervous I was. He, on the other hand, was seemingly much cooler than I. (He was definitely less sweaty than I was.)

After making small talk with his mom, we said goodbye and walked out the front door together.

When we got into my car, the familiar empty cigarette packs and coffee cups strewn about instantly reminded Danny of the Meleah he had always known. My house = immaculate. My car = not-so-much.

The drive back to my house was filled with never ending conversation. We began to reminisce immediately. But here’s the thing…we weren’t talking to ‘cover up the uncomfortable silence’ it wasn’t like that at all. In fact, there was no uncomfortable silence. Any sense of nervousness dissipated…quickly. We had so much to talk about it was almost impossible to not interrupt each other.

By the time we got back to my house it was as if we had never lost contact. We picked up right where we had left off. And we couldn’t keep our hand off of each other. We passionately shared confidential experiences each of us had been through over the last 7 years while apart from each other. Clutching each other’s hands as we spilled forth our confessions.

Then, we shared some of the memories from the past…the good, the bad, even the ugly.

To somewhat of my dismay, Danny reminded me of incidents and circumstances that will be pertinent for my book, yet some of these said events, have since been deleted (wiped CLEAN) from my own memory. It wasn’t until he went into very specific detail about particular episodes, which sparked my own memories back into focus. I think my lack of memory is due in part to fact that I had/have been shrouded in so much guilt about ‘that time’ in my life, my mind literally erased certain moments in time…as if out of a protective need?

During one of our conversational trips down memory lane I gave Danny my heartfelt apology for some of the things I had done. And he immediately forgave me. Now THAT was a huge and very healing moment for me.

[If you are still reading this you are a true champion…I salute you! I promise the really good parts are coming up shortly.]

When I woke up on Saturday morning, I thought the whole thing had been a dream. It wasn’t until I saw him in my parents’ kitchen with a dozen fresh cut roses and fresh cup of coffee for me, that I realized it had not been a dream. This was real. He was real.

We spent the entire day viewing photos and watching all of the videos I have made over the last few years about my family. He truly appreciated the level of creativity required to construct movies. I think he was even impressed. He is certainly proud.

I told him about the medical conditions I am facing with the fear that he would have the same expression and reaction I have seen on other faces this year. “That poor broken girl” or labeled “damaged goods.” But he didn’t. He didn’t scare away. Instead, he held me, comforted me, and made me feel like I was in a safe harbor. He promised to be there for me and do whatever it takes to get me through this. In that instance I felt protected.

That night we went to dinner and continued to talk about everything that had happened in the past and began to discuss what we both wanted in our futures.

We were so comfortable with each other. There was no ‘need to play any roles’ with each other. Besides, neither one of us could get away with putting on a show for the other one.

I know Danny. I know everything there is to know about him. I know how he thinks, and how he feels without him having to say a word. I know every single detail of his life, needs, wants and desires. I know how big his heart is. And I TRUST that. There is just a deep-rooted connection between us, that neither time nor space was able to diminish.

And he damn sure knows who I am…inside and out. I never have to worry about ‘hiding the crazy’. In fact…he loves the ‘crazy’ that is me. From my cleaning OCD, and incessant uncontrollable hair twirling, to the chain smoking, and leaky ass, right down to my knobby knees, and overly emotional reaction to the smallest things. He loves the entire package.

When the evening was over, snuggled in my bed, Danny told me that being with me, felt like coming home. He told me that he loved me now; that he loved me then, and about all of his failed attempts to locate / contact me over the last few years. My body fit perfectly inside the comfort of his arms, absorbing his entirety. I told him I loved him too. When the words left my mouth, still hanging in the air, every feeling and emotion, that I have been carrying around tucked deeply in the recesses of my heart were ignited. All of the locked up unbridled passion that I have harbored was released and came raining down my face in the form of tears.

(I have waited a VERY long time to be touched like that. Or loved liked that.)

So now, here we are. Seven years later. Reunited. And not wanting to waste any more time. There are no more roadblocks standing in our way. There are no more lies that need to be uncovered. We both think that everything happens for a reason. It was easy to recognize that NOW, finally, the ‘TIMING IS RIGHT’ for us to try our hand at ‘dating’ … like a real couple.

I can’t say that there aren’t any sub-conscious old issues lingering. At least for me. His presence is so big, and his love for me is so strong…I have to admit I am a little anxious to see how all of this unfolds. I am afraid because I am famous for ruining things.

But, I think we both have mild reservations as to how much we can trust the changes in each other.

He’s mentioned the fact that he is waiting for the ‘train wreck’ to come barreling down the track…and I am silently waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Only time will tell.

My parents appear to be elated that we have reconnected as well. On the other hand, I can tell that Danny has prompted their own recollections of my ‘old life’ and that scares the shit out of them. In their defense, it is not exactly like I have the best ‘track record’ when it comes to choosing men to date. I am hoping this is just the initial wonder and worry that over protective Jewish-Italian parents are supposed to have.

While I am trying to take things slowly, it’s kind of hard not to get carried away or swept up in the whirlwind of all of this.

There was so much “Kanoodeling” and “Jerry Maguire” moments (inside joke) this past weekend. I never wanted it to end.

I think I am still walking around in a daze. This is toad-ily surreal to me.

[If you read this entire post I am making awards for ya’ll who’ve hung in this long! Although the award will only say “I read the longest post ever and all I got was this lousy badge”.]

*All Of The Photos Of The Reunion Can Be Found Here