Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

(You guys might be sick of reading about these sudden and urgent attacks on my body all of the time…but not nearly as sick as I am of having these sudden and urgent attacks all the time.)

Who the hell knows why, or what, or how, I was hit so hard by yet another allergic reaction. I checked the ingredients for Chicken Marsala (since that is what I had for dinner an hour before I went into high alert bad situation) and none of the ingredients were are on ‘my list of things to avoid’.

Unless, I have developed New Allergies?

[*shudder*]

All I know is that I am terrified of food.

Again.

Which is a bad thing. When you are too scared to eat because you face detrimental adverse reactions, you choose not to eat at ALL. Thus, further endangering your health. Fun. Fun. Fun.

When you have an allergic reaction, there are several symptoms which can present themselves in various degrees. Sometimes those symptoms are mild and other times they are down right horrifying.

I am almost used to the mild allergic reactions. I can feel the inside of my eyelids getting itchy. I can see my lips exploding and puffing up like Mick Jagger. My ear lobes become firey and hot. When I see my face changing from flat and pale to swollen and bright red, that’s when I know its time to grab some antihistamines and right quick.

Normally two Allegra pills can stop an allergic reaction dead in its tracks. Except for when you have to take it every day as part of your medication rituals. Since I have built up a tolerance for it, Allegra is no longer capable of doing the job.

Benadryl is really the best medication for an allergic reaction, but I can’t take the fast acting liquid kind. Why? Because it is loaded with Corn Syrup. Since I am allergic to Corn, I am allergic to all things with corn byproducts as well. And by the way, corn-starch and corn-syrup are in almost everything.

(Seriously, ever read the backs of food labels?)

The other kind of allergic reaction is only about 87% more alarming than the first kind.

This kind of allergic reaction is the same as the one above, only worse. And comes out of nowhere. It hits you really fast and really hard. There are no symptoms slowly creeping up on you, which give you an indication and the much needed warning that you might be in danger of going into anaphylaxis shock.

Within seconds, your entire body (not just your face) feels like you are being stabbed with burning-hot-itchy-spiky-needles. Then come the hives. The hives raise your skin and form welts all over your body. And as much as scratching the hives feels good…it is not a recommended activity since that kind of move only makes matters worse. Especially when your fingers are so swollen that your hands look like you are wearing a baseball catcher’s gloves.

The last part of this kind of high intensity allergic reaction is the evacuation process. Your body knows it is under attack and wants to eliminate any and all substances that you have consumed over the course of your day entire lifetime.

Saturday night, I had the second kind of allergic reaction. I cannot begin to tell you how scary that kind of reaction is. But I am sure going to try.

Thankfully, my mother was in earshot of my cries for help from the toilet bowl wherein I was mid-evacuation (from both ends of the torso) and covered from head to toe in giant itchy painful welts that make you want to rip your skin right off your body.

My mother (having suffered from massive food allergies herself) knows exactly what to say and do in these situations. And she has the ‘Jedi Mind Trick Hand Waving Powers‘ (which we will get into later).

As my mother put freezing cold wet towels on my back and forehead I cried, “See. See. This is why I don’t eat when I am at work.” “This is why I don’t eat during the day until I am home, and know I will be safe.” “This is why I have no vitamins and nutrients in me.” “I am afraid to eat.” “Even when I am careful.” “Why is this is still happening?”

And, just for the record, my allergic reactions are becoming more and more severe every time.

What’s scary? Is that I never know if I am going to end up in the hospital, or have to jam the dreaded Epi-Pen into my upper thigh. What’s more scary? Is the not knowing how long the allergic reaction will last. What’s the scariest? Is that even when you are incredibly-super-careful, these types of reactions still happen for no apparent reason.

As I cried to my mother, I asked her just how bad my back looked to her. I wondered about my back because that was the only part of my body I couldn’t see from where I was sitting. In addition to the hives and welts, the itchy burning hell, the rest of my body looked very sunburned like I had been in a tanning booth for an over extended amount of time. Rather than answer my question directly, she employed the use of her ‘Jedi Mind Trick Hand Waving Power‘ skillz.

Let me tell you how that works.

A few years ago, I was in the back seat of the car with my parents. My father was driving. He asked my mother if he should turn left and go to the grocery store. After all he wanted to pick up Ice Cream. My mother waved her hand by my father’s face in slow motion (from left to right in a half circle) and said, “ You don’t want to go there…you want to turn here so we can go home instead.” “Okay”, said my father with no resistance. “Your right. I don’t want Ice Cream.” After a few seconds we all noticed my mother seemed to have used the ‘Jedi Mind Trick’. What was funnier? Is that it worked. Because even though my father really wanted Ice Cream, we never made it to the grocery store. We went home instead. Happily. For years now my mother has been able to use the ‘Jedi Mind Trick Hand Waving Powers‘ to bend another persons will to her desires. It is quite amazing.

So there I was, half hysterical, and shivering with the kind of uncontrollable shakes that come from deep down inside your body, when I asked my mother, “How bad does it look from where you are?” “Is it getting any better?” “I really don’t think the medication is working.”

“Its not that bad”, she said while waving the half a circle hand motion in my face. “You are going to be fine.” “It’s starting to look better as we speak.”

And I believed her. And once again the ‘Jedi Mind Trick Hand Waving Power‘ skillz came into play for the next 45 minuets.

Any question I asked, or any statement I made, were countermanded by her use of the slow motion hand waving movements over my face while stating the opposite of any thought I had in my head.

And It Worked.

Finally, my symptoms started to subside enough for me to come out of the bathroom, but not enough so that my father wouldn’t have to go to the store in the middle of the night to buy Benadryl Pills.

I don’t know how Benadryl affects any of you, but for me, Benadryl has the same affect as shooting up with black tar heroin. I nod-out forever. The day after taking Benadryl is always The. Worst. Combine the medication hangover with left over Mono and you have one very unproductive Sunday.

Sunday was supposed to be the first day I was going to try to get up, and get out of bed and get dressed. Dressed in real clothes. For the first time in 2 weeks. But those efforts were obviously thwarted.

Gee. I wonder what’s going to happen to me today?

Never. A. Dull. Moment.