Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

I had every intention to return to work after my procedure today, until they gave me two horse pills and told my father to drive me directly home. Excuse the slurry blog, unless it’s only in my head that I sound as “high” as I am.

And what is it about waiting rooms? That makes people act like we are all in an episode of the twilight zone? There I was. Waiting. Patiently. Quietly. (Well, maybe I wasn’t all that quiet. I was playing a game on my cell phone that occasionally made a ding sound if I scored a point…but it was a game I never played before, and I was bad at the game, so there wasn’t too much dinging or ringing happening.)

(Before you yell at me for being the annoying cell phone person, I must preface with this…. I hate cell phone people too, the ones who talk at a dinner table across the room loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. I am usually never disrespectful when it comes to using my cell phone. I use my phone in the right place at the right time. I go outside if I get a call and I am in a public place, I shut my phone off as soon as I walk into a movie theatre and I don’t drive and talk without hands-free mode. I understand and I have executed cell phone etiquette most of my life. But, after an HOUR in the waiting room I was reeeeeally bored. The only reason I was playing a game on my cell phone was because I had forgotten to bring my book and there is no.way. I will EVER touch a magazine in a doctor’s office. I make it a point to bring my own pen to “sign in” at the doctor’s office because sick people are there. And, sick people cough and sneeze into their hands, and then, they use the pen to sign in and use the same biohazard ridden hands to flip through magazines…. No.thank.you!)

See I warned you I was gunna ramble, slur, go off and on topic, okay… sorry

Now, where was I? Oh right, I was being a dick on my cell phone.

There must have been just enough sound effects coming from my phone to annoy the hell out of an overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag that was three seats away from me. She never directly asked me to stop playing. She never said, “Excuse me, that sound is driving me crazy, can you please turn that off?” Because if she had… I would have obliged.

Instead, she made rude inaudible comments to other people in the room, that I could barely hear, which I guess I was supposed to take as a hint? She had no problem saying shit to other people, like how people with cell phones have no courtesy, and huffing and puffing and rolling of her eyes…..but she still never said anything to me. Never once did she ask me to stop, or lower the volume, or even look at me. But she did get up and walk over to the nurses station, with a snotty tone, and say, “I have been here for an hour waiting for my husband, and if I have to sit for another hour listening to that girl play on her phone…Please make her stop.” ….

Now, THAT I heard. Loud, and Clear. But, now I was going to wait for the nurse to make me stop. Yes, I am an asshole like that.

It was a good long fifteen minutes ( wherein I had gotten much better at the game I was so noisily playing, and that made many many more ding/ring/score sounds) before the nurse came over to me and told me there was a no cell phone policy in the facility. “ Ooh… really? Okay, fine. No problem, I had no idea, I will shut it off right now. Thank you so much. I am so sorry.” I said to the nurse half sincerely.

Three minutes went by when the same overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag that was three seats away from me begins discussing in great detail about her issues and her bowels: color, size, texture; complete with graphic descriptions of her tests, problems and movements. (I have blogged about health issues, but even I draw the line when it comes to the nasty details.) That’s when I lost it. I leaned over the two women that were in-between us and I said to the overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag, “No one wants to hear about your bowels, or any tube, or K.Y. jelly that has been stuck anywhere inside of you. Do you mind?” That’s when overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag replied with, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I said, “Hey, you were the one that was so upset by the noise. You were the one that wanted silence, now why don’t YOU shut the fuck up.”

The two women in-between us, were stuck in the middle of an overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag and a 108 lbs double d breasted bad ass white chick. The two innocent bystanders just stared straight ahead and frozen, hoping to stay out of what looked like a bar brawl about to explode in the waiting room of a doctor’s office.

In retrospect, I may have over reacted.

Or, maybe I should have stood up, asked the room full of people, what they thought?

“By a show of hands, is anyone in this room interested in hearing what that woman has to say about her bowels? Anyone? Are there any takers? You, sir, over in the corner…no? How about you ma’am, are you interested in the size of tube they used the last time? For anyone who wants to hear the color and texture of her last movement, what tube went where and how many times, please feel free to form your own circle of chairs over there. Have yourselves a forum, knock yourselves out. But please, for the love of g-d, have that conversation away from all of us (amongst yourselves) because we cant stand to hear it. Shit, I’ll get a chalkboard up in here, and you can draw diagrams if you’d like… but shut up or go away from me!”

(Having nothing to eat or drink for over 24 hours does something to a person and it aint pretty… I have mastered the no food (for days), but I think it was the no coffee that fucked me up today. I had no idea how truly dependent I am upon caffeine. )

Then there was the added pleasure of having George W. Bush, our president, making some speech on the doctor’s office waiting room TV. When you are in a waiting room for a GI specialist, most people with these kinds of disorders seem to be elderly people who have no problem speaking out loud to the TV and get into political debates with themselves. One guy (easily 75 years old) shouted to the TV, “You didn’t even go to Vietnam asshole.” One woman said, “I heard he’s hitting the sauce again.” (she must get her news from the enquirer) But, Ironically just after she said that George W stuttered a few words in his speech ( how typical.) Finally one guy said, “I can’t stand him… I can’t watch him” and he got up and walked out of the waiting room. Every time that guy came back in the waiting room to check the TV to see if GWB was over, he would shake his head in dismay, swat his hand in disgust and leave the room again. (He missed being called into his appointment, because he couldn’t be in the waiting room with GWB on the TV.)

I swear to g-d it was the craziest day I ever spent in a waiting room and I remember why I hate dealing with the public.

Anyway….the “news” as far as my health is concerned (or from what I can gather so far) is that, I have an ulcer in my stomach and a Hiatal Hernia or something. I have no idea what the doctor said because I was still anesthetized when he spoke to me. All I know is I gave all the paper work to my father and I have to call the doctor in the morning to schedule an appointment to discuss the results. (I wont be going into detail, like some people)

And…. Not to worry, Karma already kicked my ass for being a cell phone fucktard and being mean to that overweight trailer trash heavy smoker old bag. When I got home I found a leaking tub/shower, broken knob, water possibly running down and into the neighbors who l live below me (and hate me already because I am so loud) forcing me to call an emergency plumber and costing a total of $430.00 to fix. (bye bye x-mas bonus money.)

YUP!

If I wasn’t still so medicated I would probably be flipping out a lot more about that whole plumber/money/Christmas bonus being gone.

The only pictures I have for today are these:

-(apparently my jewelry is biohazardus? or this is all they have to secure one’s valuables)-

-(why are these so hard to remove? even a razor can’t cut through the plastic paper material. what are these made of anyway?)-

– (this…..what I look like heavily medicated…..and less $430.00)-

– (here is the g-d damned plumbing bill)-

AND click here for a movie that “sort of” pertains.