Let me just start by saying, I hate needles. I loathe and abhor them. I hate needles almost as much as this guy. I feel dizzy, light-headed, and downright queasy at the mere thought of a needle. I have been known to faint on occasion at the sight of a needle. And, I tend to regress to the age of six whenever I need to have blood work done.
Last week, my doctor diagnosed me with ‘Strep Throat’ and I’ve been taking antibiotics ever since. But he also wanted to find out if I have Mononucleosis. Again.
The symptoms for both aliments are similar: constant fatigue, and extreme exhaustion, fever, sore throat, loss of appetite, swollen lymph nodes, abdominal pain, sore muscles.
Sadly for me, the only way to test for ‘mono’ is by having blood work done. Although, I’m not really sure how I could have possibly contracted the ‘Kissing Disease’ especially when I haven’t kissed anyone in months. And I am fairly certain I do NOT have mono. But that’s neither here nor there. Besides, who am I to argue with a ‘Medical Professional’. Right?
My doctor also knows that I have a tendency to put off getting any kind of blood work for a long as possible. Therefore he went ahead and ceased the opportunity to add another TWELVE tests to the prescription. Lovely.
My first objective was to find someone willing drive me to and from the lab, and subsequently hold my hand. I’m not ashamed to admit that I still need someone to hold my hand whenever I am in the same vicinity as a needle. Although, I probably should be. I’m 36 years old for Christ sakes.
I asked nearly everyone I know if they would be available. Of course, they all have jobs, or children, and their own busy lives. Considering none of my friends are ‘Contractually Obligated’ by ‘Family Ties’, and since my mother is back in school, guess who was stuck holding the bag?
Yep.
That’s right.
We arrived at LabCorp around 7:30am, and I was already terrified.
[As clearly demonstrated in the photo below.]
We signed in, completed the necessary paperwork, and got called back to see the phlebotomist in record-breaking time. Which was a good thing, because I didn’t have the chance to get myself all worked up in the waiting room.
Of course, the instant I entered the room with the multi-colored viles and saw the orange ‘Bio-Hazard’ needle collectors hanging on the walls, my stomach turned. And my whole body tensed up.
* Commence: ‘Sweaty Palms’ and ‘Black Spots’ before my eyes.
The phlebotomist, Michelle, came waltzing into the room and before she could say, “Good Morning” I introduced myself by saying…
“Hi. I’m NOT good at this. In fact, I’m a fainter. I have really tiny veins and I might even throw up. I would also like to say that I am very sorry – in advance.”
Michelle smiled at me, and my father, and in the most professional calming voice she responded, “Oh. That’s okay. Since you’re a fainter we are going to go into another room. This way you can lay down while I draw your blood.”
Good, I thought. I grabbed my stuff and we followed Michelle down the hallway.
And that’s when I had a serious case of Déjà vu. I had been in this very children’s ward once before. With, my father. Who loves taking pictures of me while I’m trying not to drop dead.
This time was no different.
I took off my coat and scarf and hopped up on the table, when suddenly, a flash of light went off. I look over and there’s my dad taking this photo of me. I was not amused.
I began to mentally prepare myself, yet I was still expecting the worst. Before the technician could get any closer to me, I told her that I have what’s been referred to as ‘rolling veins’.
[That means my veins actually move as if they were trying to dodge a bullet when someone tries to stick them with needle, making it virtually impossible to draw blood.]
Michelle, who will now and forever be known as ‘The Phlebotomist Extraordinaire’ just happened to be an ‘Expert’ with respects to ‘rolling veins’, because she only had to stick me once – and I didn’t even feel it! Thank you, ‘Butterfly-Needle’.
Alas, just when things were going ever-so-smoothly, out of nowhere, my vein decided to shut down. As in ‘no more blood for you.’
Maybe it’s because I put extra cheese, bacon, and mayonnaise on everything I eat skyrocketing my cholesterol levels so high – my blood literally started coagulating. Who knows?
I do know that Michelle released the tourniquet and started pressing down very hard on my arm above and below where the needle was placed in an effort to open my vein back up. And that? Was really painful.
* Commence: ‘Crying’ and ‘The Overwhelming Need’ to ‘Black Out.’
Thankfully, I did not pass out. And, I did not faint. But, I may or may not have thrown up a little – in my mouth.
Once we were on the last vile, it became clear to Michelle that my veins were no longer willing to cooperate. No matter how hard she pressed on my arm. She did the best she could, inflicting the least amount of pain, but she was only able obtain about half of the amount of blood needed. After what felt like forever times infinity, we agreed whatever she had collected was just going to have to be ‘Good Enough’.
I thanked Michelle for being so kind, patient, and highly efficient. In all honesty, this was probably the best experience I’ve had while being forced to give blood. After a few deep breaths and a few cups of water, I was ready to get the heck out of there.
However, we couldn’t leave.
Now, it was my father’s turn to have HIS blood drawn.
And it was MY turn to hold the camera.
Certainly, my father is NOT scared of needles, or having his blood work done. So this wasn’t quite as fun or nearly as dramatic.
Now, I’m not sure if this makes my father brave, or just curious, or seriously sick, but he actually likes to watch the procedure. [Meanwhile, I was still having heart palpitations.]
And after all of FIVE SECONDS?
They were finished.
What. The. Hell. ?
When all was said and done, my father brought me back home to rest.
Now let’s just hope they took enough blood. And I wont have to do this again!
Ha!!!!!!! And the drawing in the room crack me up!!!
Thanks Michael!
🙂
Poor baby! I hate getting blood drawn too, but not as much as you. I won't do it at the hospital anymore though because they send in a student to do it. They can't get my vein but they try two or three times before they call in the big guns. The big gun always gets it on the first try but then I look like a heroin addict for a month because I am so bruised from all the attempts. Now I go to a lab where they are all past the “student” phase of their training. Your Daddy is a hottie! He could hold my hand any day!
I've passed out/thrown up during a few medical procedures though I'm not scared of needles anymore.
Thank Linda. Blood work is AWFUL.
And I usually have the kind of experience you just described.
I suppose the stars were aligned for me that day because Michelle was
AWESOME.
And I will be sure to tell my father you think he's hot!
Sorry about the pain but it was a great story!
OMG! I'm laughing but not AT you, WITH you! You gotta laugh after something like this. After all the chemo I've had, my veins have become very tough for them to draw blood from and I always have to get the butterfly needles (thank goodness for butterfly needles). But yes, it does help to have someone qualified to draw the blood from difficult veins as well. I have come home with black and blues all up and down my arm from when they “practice” on me – that is what I call it when someone doesn't have the experience to do it right the first time. And I am so glad I am not alone in going through all this anguish for blood draws. I totally go through the same thing! I think it is all the anxiety ahead of time, knowing that the needle is coming and that they might not get it right the first time or that the vein may stop giving blood halfway through. grrrr. I've gotten to the point of bringing my own lollipop or other little reward for when it is over. When it is finally over, I feel like I just got off a plane and want to kiss the ground in relief and thank everyone in the world that it is over. Your dad is amazing to even watch it going on. I have to cover my own eyes when they stab me so I don't see it coming and jump out of my seat.
How did you get over that fear?
Thanks, Steve!
PS; do you have a blog?
Oh I had the feeling in my tummy that she was taking you to the children's ward – until I saw the picture !
Oh look there's Tigger and Winnie the Pooh
And Eyore and Piglet even little joey Roo !
(sorry couldn't resist rhyming)
I felt ok when reading that all was going well – then then went “What ! Come on Nerves ! How can you go dry on Mel like that !”
I don't like having blood drawn either – even when donating blood I rather close my eyes and look at the lights.
—
Thanks for the laugh. I really needed that.
I lost my cousin today (heart-attack) and everybody here is in shock and trying to piece things together.
Later !
Oh Teeni! Thank you. People are SUPPOSED to laugh when reading this.
It's definitely the build up of anxiety BEFORE the procedure that makes
matters worse! And getting a BAD technician is sheer torture.
You're NOT alone! You've always got me!
I think I am going to start bringing my own lollipop too.
And by lollipop, I mean FLASK [full of grey goose!]
I don't know HOW my father watches it.
I look away and sing the alphabet song!
Oh No. Jaffer!
Im so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, please do NOT
hesitate to ask. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
*hugs*
Even when you are scared and crying, you are one HELLUVA sexy chicky….
I hate needles, I feel so sorry for you! And I really hope they won't need anymore blood! As I child I had to have my blood drawn twice every year, and I screamed bloody murder every single time. Then as a teenager I evolved to fainting instead of screaming, and now as an adult I only faint every other time. I'm very proud of that.
Aw! Slyde!
I didn't even have on make-up. Nor did I brush my hair.
I literally rolled out of bed.
And I don't think I look very good with that puffy face and all those bags
under my eyes from crying – but THANK YOU for saying THAT.
Now it's over and done!
I think your veins are stressed out because you are! You have relax like your dad and your veins will follow suit. (Not really, but it sounded good…didn't it?)
Yeeps! I too hate needles and this post literally made me break out in a sweat! I hope you don't have mono, I had that years ago and it was terrible! Hopefully it'll come back fine, you'll get over the strep throat and be back to being Meleah again!
LOL! I love your play by play posts like this one! You could totally make a comic book out of this stuff. “Meleah Gets Her Blood Drawn!” I'm glad you survived and didn't throw up. I hope the results come out negative and that you get better soon! Sending you healing positive vibes!!! XOXOXOXO
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA… You are a PANIC. AWWWWWWW, I wanted to hold you and sing you sweet lullabyes half way thru the story (Not really, you WIMP). OK, I apologize, since, you are the cutest thing I ever saw in a doctors office at 36 (REALLY) with cartoons in the background in my life. I think I love you (How else can I explain my extreme laughter !) Your father should get some kind of Oscar !!
Hey…. I thought so too !
You KNOW that we are 'separated at birth' in terms of needles and having blood taken–and how I feel about it. So, what happens to me? I get diseases that require FREQUENT blood letting. AND I get put on different meds that require FREQUENT blood tests. Yeah, life certainly is interesting after the age of 40. 😉
I'm just like you when it comes to talking to the vampire approaching me with the needle: I let him/her know how I am about to react–I WILL make a noise, but I WON'T move. I forgot to mention the 'noise' once and the vamp STOPPED in the middle of inserting the needle and took it out. She then had to try TWO more times to get a vein that worked. (She had to get someone else to finish the job, as my veins just quit for her.)
You know, we've been able to get men on the moon, you'd think we could find a better way to do medical tests. Right? 😉
Thank you Meleah, that is very kind of you.
🙂
Poor you! It seems like you've been sick forever, and now needles, to boot! I think you were very brave. BTW, I love the “Not. Amused” picture 🙂
And you SHOULD be proud of that!
Ahahahahahhaha!
Thank goodness!
Sounded great!
Maybe next time, I should take xanax BEFORE they have to stick me w a
needle!
Im sure I do NOT have mono Because I don't feel like I did the last time.
And, Im almost OVER strep! YAY!
🙂
Aw. Thanks Dana.
You always make me feel so good about the things I write.
Aw. Shucks!
My father should be nominated for Sainthood!
You're very welcome.
Christine! We must be related!
Thanks Nicky! Im sofa king DONE with being sick!
And every single single time I get better – I get a NEW illness!
SO ANNOYING!
OMG, you and my mother have the same thing….‘rolling veins’….so whenever she has blood work done, it's such a horrible experience for her!
I use to be a medical assistant, and part of my job was drawing blood. I remember the first time I had to do it on a REAL patient – I was more scared than they were!
There is definitely an 'art' to drawing blood and it sounds like Michelle has it!
It's ten times easier drawing blood from a man, than a woman because the viens are usually bigger and closer to the surface of the skin.
LOVED all the photos and captions of you in the Dr. office. You are HYSTERICAL!
X
“It's ten times easier drawing blood from a man”
Jeez man ! I don't know about you but the rest of the men folk are not happy you gave out our secret !
OMG! I can't believe I've been missing out on the best blog EVER. Don't hate me for this, but I'm like your dad when it comes to blood work, but my heart TOTALLY goes out to you, I can't imagine having to go through it hating it so much. But I loved this post, only you could make a mundane, ordinary activity into a fun, entertaining blog post!
Aw. Thanks Ron!
Ahahahahahahaha
Barbara! I've missed you too!
We've both had a lot on our plates these days.
Im SO glad we're catching up with each other again.
I feel exactly the same way about having my blood drawn. Can't stand needles, don't want to watch, NEVER get a flu shot.
I'm so glad you survived it, and hope you are feeling much, much better very soon!
What a brave trooper! Not everyone can take needles/shots. Even the biggest, burly guys can have the same reaction.
I had a buddy in college that was your typical, red-neck, crusty, John Wayne loving cowboy. Worked a ranch, able to ride horses, herd cattle, mend fences, do your typical cowboy shtuff. But when it came to getting a shot, he folded like a cheap card table.
After all the shots I've gotten and blood that has been drawn, I am quasi immune. That's doesn't mean I like it, I just try to picture myself somewhere else. I would recommend various distractions but I think you already know that. I do like the lollipop idea (made with Grey Goose). Hope they got enought blood the first time. Would hate to see you back there with Eeyore leering over you like some sort of creepy stalker…
God I hate needles. Thank you for the shout-out there for one of my biggest 'I'm a pussy' posts ever.
*rolls eyes.
I'd also like to point out that the word 'abhor' sounds like a prostitute who has great stomach muscles.
Thanks Agg!
Now I feel better knowing Im not a COMPLETE wimp!
If Cowboy-man crumbled, then Im certainly allowed to!
Ahahahahha! Ahahahahhaha!
Thanks Terri!
Eeek! I had to take my 7 year old to get her blood drawn last week. It was definitely traumatic. I hope they figure out what is going on with your help and are able to easily treat it.
Thanks Terri!
LOL! At least we're in the same boat cos I hate and abhor needles as much as you 😀
Thanks!