Not too long ago, I wrote a blog post about Celebrity-Look-A-Likes. That very post included a few of my own family members. Well, long story, short? I received several comments regarding my ‘Aunt Bea’ and her resemblance to Jane Fonda. And that’s precisely when I realized I’ve never really written about my Aunt Bea on this blog.
And, considering I just had the pleasure of spending, Passover 2011 with her, I figured now would be a wonderful time to share her story, with you fine people.
First let me start by saying that Aunt Bea is 80+something years old. And she’s still very active, and quite lucid. She is always impeccably dressed, complete with matching shoes and jewelry. And she never leaves the house until she is entirely made-up to perfection. I don’t think I have ever seen her without lipstick. And neither has anyone else.
Speaking of her appearance, Aunt Bea only buys, and wears, St. John’s clothing. And you will NEVER see her in the same outfit, twice. Her finished basement is filled with ‘Rolling Racks’ of clothes and luxurious fur coats. On each outfit there is an index card attached, detailing which jewelry, purse, and shoes, belong with that particular outfit.
Most of the time she looks amazing.
I mean, c’mon! She’s like a freaking Rock Star in all leather!
She’s a true lady that exudes high class from every pore of her skin.
Except for that one time, when she looked liked she was working for an airline.
Aunt Bea and my Uncle Sol are pretty well off, financially. They always contribute money towards family functions to help defray the cost of food, and they even paid for my expensive boarding school education. But they can also be very cheap. And by that I mean, they still don’t have cable television, and they use a Dial-Up Internet connection. As such, sometimes we lovingly refer to them as ‘The Howells’ from Gilligan’s Island.
Aunt Bea’s house is cleaner than a hyperbaric chamber, and she’s never cooked a meal in her life. She’s famous at her Temple for raising the most money buy selling $25.00 advertisements door-to-door to restaurants. She goes to the gym three days a week to exercise, and she maintains an extraordinary garden.
Whenever Aunt Bea and Uncle Sol come over for Family Holidays, Aunt Bea brings a list of topics, written down on a piece of paper, which she checks every-so-often just in case the dinner conversation fizzles out. She tries her best to stay on top of current affairs.
Most of her topics are about celebrities, or her favorite television show ‘Dancing With The Stars’ or notes about whatever book she’s been reading.
But I will never be able to forget this one particular day.
A few years back, in the middle of dinner, while dressed in all of her fabulousness, and dripping in diamonds, out of NOWHERE, Aunt Bea blurted out:
“Do you guys really think Howard Stern has a small penis?”
It was as if the sound of a record needle had just been pulled violently across an album, and everything came to a screeching halt.
Everyone’s jaw hit the floor.
And the room fell silent.
Except for me.
I died laughing.
DIED.
But, then I quickly came back to life – and laughed even more.
*So tell me people, what’s the most outrageous thing anyone in YOUR family’s ever said at the dinner table?
The only crazy thing said at a meal that I can think of was when I was finishing lunch in the executive board room of Lloyd’s bank in London more than 30 years ago, with my British husband (CFO of Atari at the time), execs from Pinewood Studios and Lloyd’s execs. I patted my belly and said, “Boy, I’m stuffed!” I didn’t know that getting stuffed in the UK has a somewhat different meaning. Ahem. There was dead silence then, too. Until my husband kind of choked on his food. That broke the ice and everyone had a good laugh. Once, around 1975, I stopped in to see my mother at a travel agency where she worked. The American Airlines rep was there too. He was very tall, and black. My mother told him I wanted to work for the airline. He asked, “Do you like to travel?” And my mother said, “Oh, she’s free, white and 21, she can go anywhere she wants.” Er.
Hysterical….sounds alot like my Aunt Cam, except for the Howard Stern thing….so funny!
I’m in love with Aunt Bea! She is the type of lady this tomboy always secretly wanted to be like. Except the airline/navy outfit. I’ve never been a fan of it.
My family often talks crazy so nothing is coming to mind. Although the first time I brought my ex (then fiance) home to met family we were playing one of those games where someone has to guess a word being described by the rest of their team. The word was bachelor. My Aunt said to my fiance “This is what you are.” He shouts, “Virgin!” After a few moments of awkward silence, we all laughed so hard. Sorry – it was the only thing that came to mind.
PS I’ll take some photos of my writing area after I get them cleaned up. 🙂
Hahahaha… I would have joined you in laughing !
If there is an outrageous person in my family, it’s me.
My family seems to have this impression of me as a nice godly fellow, who never misses mosque etc etc.
And unfortunately, my family lives in some sort of a world the rest of us call normal. So I have to make up for it.
But being a blogger requires one to be on top of everything right ? Current affairs, Technology, Movies, Cats, Parenting…
And I always seem to be the one who knows most about sex and porn.
“What ? You mean you’ve never heard of an elephant thong for men with squeaker ?”
“Did you know the Porn Industry was responsible for popularizing 3G mobile ?”
OMG, I literally DIED laughing at the photo of Aunt Bea working for an airline and your caption.
That was BRILLIANT!!!!
Aunt Bea sounds like a hoot! And I’m lovin’ her in that all leather emsemble.
I think the most outrageous thing anyone ever said at the dinner table was when my sister announced to the entire family that she caught me wearing my mothers earrings one afternoon when I THOUGHT I was alone in the house. OMG, everyone at the table dropped their forks!
My sister is SUCH a bitch! HA!
X
Instead of saying I received a BeeGee’s cd for my birthday I told the MIL that I recieved a BeeeeJaaay…. then stopped and almost died. She replied wryly, “I thought that was a traditional gift for a man on his birthday… but whatever.”
One New Years Eve the hubs and I were out with my BFF and her hubs, waiting to be seated for dinner. We were dressed nice, I had a bit of peek-a-boob going on. This older man kept staring at my chest despite glares,and even did an exaggerated lean over to try to look down my dress. I had had enough and yelled, “Quit staring at MY TITS!!!!” My BFF , who had witnessed the whole thing burst into hysterical laughter, the man gave a half-assed attempt at an apology by whining loudly, “But I CAN’T help myself!!!” His wife look mortified and my hubs, ever the gentleman patted the man reassuringly on the arm and nodded in a sympathetic manner with a knowing smile on his face. Then everyone in the waiting area- except the man and his wife- burst into hysterical laughter. WE were seated and my husband leaned over to my BFF and her hubs and demured, “I can dress her up, but I can’t take her anywhere.”
Ahahahah! Ahahhahahahhaha!
OhMyLisa! I love BOTH of those stories!
🙂
Oh Junebug, that is very FUNNY!
I can’t wait to see the pictures!
And, I too aspire to be a little like Aunt Bea one day.
OMFG! That’s great, Jaffer!!
Oh Ronnie,
You sister IS a bitch.
I can’t believe she did that!
FOR SHAME!
I’m glad you found this as entertaining as I do!
Oh Ronnie,
You sister IS a bitch.
I can’t believe she did that!
FOR SHAME!
I’m glad you found this as entertaining as I do!
I am so hysterical reading this, Mary.
I can’t stop laughing!!! ahahahhahhahahhahaha
I am so hysterical reading this, Mary.
I can’t stop laughing!!! ahahahhahhahahhahaha
That is absolutely hysterical! She’s adorable, and quite the treasure. I don’t have such an hilarious story to share so I’ll just enjoy everyone else’s.
I have a sister who is famous for getting it ‘almost right’. After purchasing an allergy remedy at a natural food store and showing me the tube of pills she asked me if I was into ‘homeophobic medicine’.
Once at a family dinner when I was away at college, my mother was wondering out loud whether she should have flowers sent to me (I was in a play) at my dorm or the campus post office. My sister thought about it a minute and said “Well, won’t FDS take care of that?” Everyone laughed by my grandfather.
Um… Aunt Bea is 90 — as in NINETY YEARS OLD! and those $25 ads she sells? She has never sold LESS than $12,680 worth of ads — about three of the ads, she always reminds us, are usually full pagers and go for $250, so it’s not all just $25 ads. Her HIGHEST fundraising for B’nai B’rith one year was TWENTY TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED FORTY DOLLARS worth of $25 ads with the 2 or 3 full pagers. Growing up with her coming to my house for the holidays was like getting a visit from a movie star. Always smiling, always beautiful, and always my aunt bea.
Aunt Bea is once classy woman, fer sure. I think every family should have an Aunt Bea and Uncle Sol. Now in her defense, I can’t say she is cheap fro the description you gave. I mean she probably doesn’t use the puter much, so dial up is just fine, and I doubt anyone who is taking all that time to write out index cards for each accessory has much use or time to watch cable. I do have to say she seems a bit OCD, but hey that can be a good thing. She looks great. I want to be part of your family, do you have a sign up sheet?
I would love her! What a character! Pure Gold! My daughter and her husband were seated at the dinner table with the whole family at Christmas and my daughter said “Neither my husband nor I had any idea that Christmas was supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ.” They were both in their late 30s at the time, and all I could do is look at them both. They are Muslim now, but my daughter was certainly taught about Christianity.
My father worked as a union printer in the city and Mom was an RN at night, so the only time they were together was @ dinner (which we all had manditory attendence),
and my parents and sibs are all talkers and funny, especially Dad. I miss them very much, maybe I should start a blog with my Dad stories. My sister is much more the writer though.
Very funny stuff though, your aunt sounds awesome
What a glamourous lady!
OK, DO NOT SIP A DRINK WHILE READING THIS!
Mo and I were invited to Sunday lunch at somebody’s home. They were a church family, and devout Christians. We were all chatting, laughing and having a great time, and Mo stated how she liked their room decor. They said thank you, and Mo went on to say “Oh, I LOVE your dildo” One second of silence, and then everybody fell about laughing, for what seemed like forever. Of course, what Mo meant to say was “I love your dado” In case you don’t have the same thing in the US, it’s either a wooden rail, or a wallpaper band, that runs around the room, sort of waist high.
Hurray! Aunt Bea is back! I am going to adopt her as my aunt since there I don’t have an elderly aunt or grandmother anywhere near as interesting or funny, and nobody, other than me of course, would say penis out loud. I love this woman!
All I can say is….I love your Aunt Bea….and you described her to a tee!!!!!!! <3
Oh, and as far as outrageous things being said at our dinner table…..you know this family..everything they say is outrageous!!! LMFAO!!!!!!
In 2010 we had my brother’s girlfriend and both my sisters’ boyfriends over for a late Thanksgiving dinner…and somehow our conversation turned to farts and bowel movements.
And then last Thanksgiving my youngest sister let an ‘eff” bomb loose. Honestly, I thought my mother would strangle her. Literally jump over the table and strangle her but we all just laughed.
That was hilarious and made my morning.
If I thought about it, I know I could come up with some things from my mother’s side of the family that they’ve said at the dinner table that would make one laugh out loud. It’s just too early for me here. I’ll give it some thought, and also pass the idea along to my sister to see what she comes up with…although she might come up with something I said. Uh oh.
Thank you, Linda!
AHAHAHHAHAhahahah into ‘homeophobic medicine’ HAhaHAHhahahHAHAHah
And FDS? OMG. She’s HYSYERICAL
Holy. Crap.
She’s sofa king amazing!
Love you, Mommy!
She totally has OCD!
And yes we are accepting new family members!
Shut the fuck up Donny! That’s funny!
Yes you SHOULD write a blog. About ALL of that!
Please?
AHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHH
I just peed a little.
AHAHHAHAhaHHhHAHAHhAHHAhaha
Yay! And welcome to My Family!
She rocks.
And, you know how much I love YOU, Aunt Lynda!
I KNOW! I can’t even! I love our family – sofa king much.
Ah yes, we love to drop those F -Bombs!
Yes, please do. And please blog about it!
Ha ha ha ha! The lady of the house had to go to the loo after that too!
Wow, her resemblance to Jane Fonda is so striking. I wish someone would write about me looking like Gerrard Butler … hahahahahahaha … probably in my dreams!
Thank you for making me laugh THAT much!
She’s like Jane Fonda’s twin. Only MORE classy!
Boy, did I need to read this today as another birthday rears the ugly issue of my own mortality. I sure hope I’m still rockin’ it like she is at her age. I don’t even wear makeup when I leave the house most of the time now. Of course, I’m usually only going to the barn where the horses really don’t care as long as you bring carrots. Still, she’s really an inspiration. I love your Aunt Bea!
Happy Birthday, Jayne!!
And, I have a feeling you will be just as amazing as Aunt Bea [if not MORE]
when you reach her age!
xoxoxoxoxo
I love the fact that you refer to the as The Howells! And I can’t top that Howard Stern comment! Too funny! I think Michael Jackson would’ve been jealous of her airline outfit!
Ahahhahaah!
“I think Michael Jackson would’ve been jealous of her airline outfit!”
Me too!
You have the best family in the world. Aunt Bea is an amazing lady. My Aunt Jo says a lot of hilarious things like that. We were at dinner once with a lot of very strict, conservative Catholics. My Aunt Jo loves Angelina Jolie. She thinks she is hot. Right in the middle of the lemon meringue pie my Aunt Jo says :’ I’d turn lesbian for Angelina Jolie. In a heartbeat.’ I nearly choked on a bit of meringue. It was so funny. I thought some of the ladies at the table were going to pass out!
Sounds like I could use an Aunt Bea in my family!
OMG. Thank you for sharing Aunt Bea with us. Even her name. Aunt Bea. Denotes fabulousness. Can we all secretly adopt her as our own inside our heads? She looks FABULOUS! Honestly, I don’t think I look as good as she does now. Amazing. And I love how she would show up with pieces of paper with conversational topics (and they sound like good ones too!)
Really? You do know who my son is…right? You name it, he’s said it.