Not too long ago, I wrote a blog post about Celebrity-Look-A-Likes. That very post included a few of my own family members. Well, long story, short? I received several comments regarding my ‘Aunt Bea’ and her resemblance to Jane Fonda. And that’s precisely when I realized I’ve never really written about my Aunt Bea on this blog.
And, considering I just had the pleasure of spending, Passover 2011 with her, I figured now would be a wonderful time to share her story, with you fine people.
First let me start by saying that Aunt Bea is 80+something years old. And she’s still very active, and quite lucid. She is always impeccably dressed, complete with matching shoes and jewelry. And she never leaves the house until she is entirely made-up to perfection. I don’t think I have ever seen her without lipstick. And neither has anyone else.
Speaking of her appearance, Aunt Bea only buys, and wears, St. John’s clothing. And you will NEVER see her in the same outfit, twice. Her finished basement is filled with ‘Rolling Racks’ of clothes and luxurious fur coats. On each outfit there is an index card attached, detailing which jewelry, purse, and shoes, belong with that particular outfit.
Most of the time she looks amazing.
I mean, c’mon! She’s like a freaking Rock Star in all leather!
She’s a true lady that exudes high class from every pore of her skin.
Except for that one time, when she looked liked she was working for an airline.
Aunt Bea and my Uncle Sol are pretty well off, financially. They always contribute money towards family functions to help defray the cost of food, and they even paid for my expensive boarding school education. But they can also be very cheap. And by that I mean, they still don’t have cable television, and they use a Dial-Up Internet connection. As such, sometimes we lovingly refer to them as ‘The Howells’ from Gilligan’s Island.
Aunt Bea’s house is cleaner than a hyperbaric chamber, and she’s never cooked a meal in her life. She’s famous at her Temple for raising the most money buy selling $25.00 advertisements door-to-door to restaurants. She goes to the gym three days a week to exercise, and she maintains an extraordinary garden.
Whenever Aunt Bea and Uncle Sol come over for Family Holidays, Aunt Bea brings a list of topics, written down on a piece of paper, which she checks every-so-often just in case the dinner conversation fizzles out. She tries her best to stay on top of current affairs.
Most of her topics are about celebrities, or her favorite television show ‘Dancing With The Stars’ or notes about whatever book she’s been reading.
But I will never be able to forget this one particular day.
A few years back, in the middle of dinner, while dressed in all of her fabulousness, and dripping in diamonds, out of NOWHERE, Aunt Bea blurted out:
“Do you guys really think Howard Stern has a small penis?”
It was as if the sound of a record needle had just been pulled violently across an album, and everything came to a screeching halt.
Everyone’s jaw hit the floor.
And the room fell silent.
Except for me.
I died laughing.
DIED.
But, then I quickly came back to life – and laughed even more.
*So tell me people, what’s the most outrageous thing anyone in YOUR family’s ever said at the dinner table?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I don’t think we’ve had anything as outrageous as that! Your Aunt Bea is a remarkable lady! And not just because of her rolling racks, gym membership and the fact that nobody has ever seen her without her lipstick!
That’s CLASSIC! HA!
She’s pretty cool.
Of course you can be a part of this family!
You can consider her YOUR Aunt Bea too.
Your son says THE GREATEST things ALL THE TIME.
I am in LOVE with him!
She is pretty awesome! Thanks, Jay.
First of all, your aunt is a magnificent woman, at her age or at any age. She reminds me of my cousin Florence, who lived to be nearly 100 and was always impeccably dressed and bejeweled. She worked her way through three husbands and at the age of 90 was shacking up with an older man.
I remember when Florence once told me she needed to get to the beauty shop for a blow job.
um..
Your cousin Florence is one hellova character!
Hmmm. Well, when I brought my wife-to-be, Muri, home for dinner to meet the family, my mother served hamburgers. When Muri didn’t put butter on her roll (being Jewish, she didn’t like to mix meat and dairy), my Mom said, “What are you, a barbarian?” Another time Muri was over for dinner, and I had what Loretta Castorini called a love bite (in Moonstruck) on my neck … my Mom said, “What, are you dating, a vampire?” It’s amazing she still married me.
By the way, your Aunt Bea is precious. I love old people. Oh, yeah, I’m getting to be one!
I have an Aunt Bette who will someday be like Aunt Bea. Very classy, Very Wealthy. LOVE her. She’s my favorite Aunt.
I once questioned My Step mom (Who married my dad when I was 26) as to why it was that all my life I wanted a dog and Dad always claimed to be allergic. Then she strolls is, dog and all, and now he loves dogs. She leaned over and whispered in my ear “It’s because Mommy blows Daddy.” I thought I would choke.
Also. When I was in my early 20’s a friend of mine became pregnant (unmarried). My father, thinking he was being funny, said “Doesn’t she know she’s not supposed to swallow?” To which I quickly commented “Don’t you know spitting is unlady like?” I think that was one of his proudest moments of me … hopefully because of my quick wit.
Ahahahaha. OMG! You mother is a riot!
Old People ROCK!
Now THAT was a GREAT answer! HA! Awesome, Rachele!
Oh my goodness! Where to start? First, I want to have dinner with this lady — she sounds so delightful. Secondly, when she decides to have a Feline style basement sale, please make sure that I am on the list!!! I love that she keeps a list of topics and that Howard Stern’s package was amongst them. My family seems to say ridiculous things all the time, but Aunt Bea has blown them ALL out of the water.
🙂
Traci
Thanks Traci!
I will be SURE to let you know when/if we get to pilfer her rolling racks!
xoxox
I loved hearing about Aunt Bea!! She seems like such a fun person!
I don’t really have any good stories about things said around the dinner table.
Thanks, Jules.
And I’m sure can can think of a funny story with you and, Mike. Yes?
My mom always mentioned the phrase “one minute, 58 seconds,” and everyone at the table would bust out laughing (including my dad). It wasn’t until I was older that I realized what they were talking about. /facepalm
ahahahhahahAHHHAHhahhh
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Aunt Bea is awesome and I am now going to call her Lovey. Love the idea of index cards on all of her outfits — fabulous!
She really IS fabulous! Thank you, Kelly!