Lately, I’ve been wondering why it’s ‘Virtually Impossible’ for me to find a decent bra. Seriously. Ladies, do you know what I am taking about?
It seems as if ‘The Powers That Be’ in the world of ‘All Things Lingerie’ have come up with damn near every single kind bra – except for ‘The One’ I am searching for.
In the twenty-three years I’ve been wearing brassieres, I am fairly certain I have tried just about every single type of bra ever manufactured. And yet, I still can’t find ‘The Perfect Bra’.
They are luxurious and ever so expensive ‘Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders’ specifically designed to ‘Lift’ and ‘Separate’. There are some fabulously over priced ‘Tit-Slings’ intended to provide ‘Spectacular Cleavage’ or make you seem larger, filled with removable Water or Air Bags otherwise known as ‘Miracle Bras’. They also have ‘Flopper Stoppers’ which inevitably crush your breasts [and quite possibly a little piece of your soul] often referred to as ‘Sports Bras’.
They have backless bras, and strapless bras, and bras with interchangeable straps. They have ‘Hooter Harnesses’ including balcony bras, or, demi-bras, wherein you can choose from drop cups, or, full cups. There are bras that fasten in the back. And there bras that fasten in the front. You can find halter bras, maternity bras, underwire bras. They even manufacture seamless bras. And, you can find almost all of those ‘Instruments Of Torture’ in a variety of colors, fabrics, styles, and materials.
But I don’t need to be lifted or separated. And I certainly don’t need any extra cleavage. Now, I suppose I could go bra-less, however fellow blogger JD already does that so I don’t have to.
So what the heck am I looking for?
Well that’s simple.
I just want a bra that does NOT make me look like I have Back Fat!
Because I am really sick of looking like I have an ‘extra roll’ underneath the back strap! Especially since I really DON’T have any ‘Back Fat’!
And, here’s whats MOST vexing.
Let’s say that I find a bra that fits, that’s affordable, that I like, and that does NOT give me the appearance of Back Fat – or at least, so I think. I buy the bra, I go home, and I carry on with my life. And everything is great UNTIL [for whatever reason] as soon as I put on the new said bra, and then put clothes on my body = LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BACK FAT!
No Shirt + New Bra = NO BACK FAT [in the dressing room].
Put ON a Shirt + New Bra = LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BACK FAT [in real life].
What The F*ck?
I would even be willing to wear ‘The Kind Of Bra’ that cuts so deeply into my ribcage after a mere five minutes I feel as if I am suffering from the worst case of‘Heart Burn’ simply to avoid having the ‘False Appearance’ of unsightly ‘Back Fat’.
So. Ladies. I am counting on you!
Can anyone tell me where I might find a bra that does NOT actually CREATE back fat?
Wait. Let me go get another cup of coffee here. This has the makings to be one of the Meleah classics.
Unfortuneately, coming from the other side of the cup I cannot offer up any meaningful perspective (except, perhaps, for the removal of said equipment). But I will note that you have to find whatever's comfortable for you.
Making me a second cup of bra – I mean – Java ! YAWN ! Too early in the morning to be studying different types of brassieres but I'm bookmarking this because of all the references – so edjiumucational !
Have you considered asking Olga The Travelling Bra ? I mean she is a bra and she knows a lot about boobs or a lot of boobs !
No you are not a boob.
Good Luck ! 😉
I never did understand the whole “lift and separate” philosophy. Why “separate”? They belong together!
Anyway, my mom swears by the Spanx bra; I think it's the “Bra-llelujah!” one. She says it does away with back fat FOREVER!
I also ready recently that the dreaded back fat can be due to a bra being too LOOSE rather than too tight. Just something to chew on.
For someone who doesn't wear a bra, I seem to know quite a few bra tidbits.
GOOD LUCK!
I hate bras. For years, I didn't wear one, but 2 children and 30 years of gravity later, I have to. I would just like to find one that is comfortable. I don't even care about back fat, I just don't want to feel like I am being unnaturally shaped.
Ah, the neverending quest! Don't need pads, don't always want my cleavage toppling out or visible through my clothes.
Lately, I'm a fan of Lilyette Minimizer bras. Unfortunately the ones I've seen have seams in the cup–which can be visible, depending on what you're wearing, but at least the boobs are fully enclosed. As far as back fat, I think the wider band across the back helps with that, but not as much as push ups. (Not push up bras, but a few push-ups every day–even the girl kind or standing against a wall!_
I've spent years looking for the perfect bra myself. No go. If I find one though, you'll be the first to know.
You Crack Me Up Agg!
I know! I really need OLGA right about now! 🙂
OMG! I am googling “Bra-llelujah” right now!
Oh I hate that too – when your boobs look all lumpy or misshapen? So. Annoying. I learned that by staying away from lacey bra's at least I look smoother!
I've been doing 50 push ups a day for six week now- and I dont actually have back fat – but my bras make me look like I do! I am going to check out the Lilyette Minimizer you mentioned! Thank you.
Please do Nik!
OK. This is such an issue for me as well. Underwires kill me, but they represent 85% of the bras on the market. Years ago I found one-piece leotard-style thin-material, stretchy underwear with a snap crotch. I bought every one I could find. But they were soon gone and I still search for them, without any success. They also didn't offer any support, so if you're large-breasted, this might be a problem. I had NO problems with back fat, however – just a nice smooth line from top to, literally, my bottom. I recently found cotton ones, without the crotch snap, at American Apparel. I bought one in every color. They're great, but the material is a bit thick.
Another friend of mine suggested that I go to a professional bra fitter. They are around. You just have to find them. They might be able to not only tell you your correct size (a problem many women have – they buy the wrong size) but also where to get the best bra for your needs.
Holy Crap! When you find out, please, please, please let me know. I thought I wasn't spending enough money and that's why I couldn't find the 'perfect bra'. Phew! I'm glad that's not it because I can't be spending more on my undergarments than I do on my……on my what?! Dammit, I spend alot of frickin' money on bras now that I'm thinking about it.
If I wasn't so self-conscious, I'd go bra-less. Maybe I'll work on that.
Thanks Lisa! I think having a snap crotch might drive me insane. And since I am a little on the large breasted side I do need the support. I was fitted for bras at Victoria Secret once – but the girl was probably NOT a 'True Professional' considering she was all of 16 years old. I should definitely look into finding a REAL professional bra fitter.
I do NOT like to spend a lot of money on bras either. But, looking like I have backfat [especially when I don't] is just pissing me off! I think it's time for me to invest in at least ONE expensive bra – as long as it gives me the appearance and support I need. Maybe.
OMG…I LOVE you, girl! I laughed my ass off at this!!!
The whole time I was reading this, all I kept hearing was Bette Midler singing “Otto Tit-Slinger” from the movie Beaches!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….what a great song that was!
Well, I wish I could suggest a bra for you, but I'm at a loss here. I'm still trying to find the perfect pair of undies that are not so tight they make my “binky” feel like it's being crushed in a vise, or so loose that it's flopping around like landed fish!
tee, hee!
GREAT post, girl!
Yes! I was hoping someone would get the Bette Midler “TitSling” reference!
*binky in a vise* is CRACKING ME UP!
Thank you SOOOO much for sharing the You Tube, Meleah!
It was so great seeing it again……X
“Can anyone tell me where I might find a bra like that?”
Wish I could help, but I've always been more interested in the contents than the container… ; )
xoxoxo
ahahahahahahah!
I buy my bras from Victoria's or Dillard's and I get fitted every time. That means remeasured and the bra lady will make sure the bra properly fit my fat sacks. she will bring bra after bra until the perfect fit is found and then I buy two or three in brown, black and beige.
Well, I have no idea, but got plenty of laughs out of this! And I have to post this: A dyslexic walks into a bra…
This is so confusing: sizes, colors, this, that, the other thing… but after that is done and taken care of (somehow) I am just pleased to evaluate the results, not that I stare – I just follow Seinfeld's rule of looking at them as if staring at the Sun, get a quick glimpse for an overall idea and then look away.
I have hated bras since I threw all of mine out in high school. (I actually forgot to buy one for my wedding and wound up going braless down the aisle. If I only was that perky and firm today…) Anyway, I had to start wearing them again when I got pregnant and here I am, 33 years later, and I STILL haven't found one that is comfortable. Victoria's Secret had one that I REALLY liked, but they 'redesigned' it and now it is in my 'hate' column. I envy my best friend: she looks like she has two fried eggs on her chest–and I am being generous–and would never need to wear one of these torture instruments. I, on the other hand, have gravity and genetics to thank for the fact that I could probably throw my 'girls' over my shoulders without any trouble–and they would STAY there. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass to be a woman. 😉
Now that's a great idea!
But here's whats MOST vexing:
I find a bra that fits, that's affordable, that I like, and that does NOT give me the appearance of Back Fat -or at least so I think so.
And that's great – UNTIL – for whatever reason, as soon as I get home, and I put on the new said bra, and put clothes on my body = LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BACK FAT!
No Shirt + New Bra = NO BACK FAT
Put ON a Shirt + New Bra = BACK FAT
What The Fuck?
AHAHAHAHHAH!!! I love you Marty!
You know how much I love Seinfeld! “”Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it long, it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away.”
Seriously. I like my boobs FINALLY – but I HATE bras. However I do NOT have the luxury of NOT wearing one!
“Sometimes it is a pain in the ass to be a woman. ;)”
EXACTLY! Christine. Exactly!
If you find one, let me know. Oh! They probably won't sell them in the UK.
If I find one – Ill be sure to MAIL you one too – But I'm sure the label on my package won't be anywhere as entertaining as Kathy's label!
“Pickle Band-Aids
Bacon Mints
Finger Puppet Monster”
Ahahahahahahhaahahh!
Ha ha ha! That did make me laugh! Can't wait for my little package.
You never know, they may actually sell the same bra in England, though I doubt it 🙂
That cracked me up too! And like I said, if they DONT sell the same bra in England – I will be more than happy to send one to you. Provided I find it in the first place!
xoxoxoxo
That is so sweet of you :))
You killed me with this post! I recently took a marketing class that studied a bra campaign. Hanes came up with a “Barely There” bra that is supposed to save women around the world from the bad bra day. You can check it out at http://www.barelythere.com. I haven't tried one yet so I can't tell you if they are really good or not. If you do find the perfect bra, and I have a hard time believing it really exists, please share with the rest of us!
I'm just glad they came out with G-strings because I DO have ass fat and that's atrocious to see it bulging from my panty line. I'm not judgin' I'm just sayin'. 😉
But thanks to you Mel, I have gotten back into my workout regime and when my stomach feels like it's going to burn like an Amish guy in the desert, I think of you doing all your sit ups and push ups every day even when you're not feeling good and I am able to push through it. I'll be firm and tight again in no time. I'm sorry to say, I won't be golfing any time soon though.
Im totally checking that out- and if I buy one I promise I will write up a FULL report!
🙂
This is one of the most interesting and funny pieces I've read in a long time. My wife commented, “Who does she think will come up with the bra she wants? I've been looking over 60 and haven't founf one yet.”
Thanks for you views on the great bra debate.
My Friend Louise sent me the link to you Blog.
My Regards,
I hate bra shopping more than wedding shoe shopping. It is so hard to find a decent bra. I don't have any advice for you because I still haven't found the perfect bra, but I hope you find what you are looking for!
I think it's as impossible as finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am sick of buying a great looking bra then putting on a T-shirt and catching sight of back fat in the mirror when I turn around. What the? I don't have back fat until I put on a bra. There's nothing for it – I might just need to let the girls hang free!
Ahahahahahahhaha! I love Louise! Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!
Thanks Love! I hope you find the Perfect Shoes for your wedding!!!
See! That's exactly what I am saying! “I don't have back fat until I put on a bra”!! I cant stand it!!!!!
Love you woman!
xoxoxo
On “What Not To Wear” (one of my guilty pleasures) they often send the person to a professional bra-fitter, usually at someplace like Nordstrom's or one of the other better department stores. Why don't you call and see if their lingerie department has such a person? We must banish the back fat at all costs.
Ah yes! Nordstrom's! Why didn't I think of THAT? *apparently oblivious to the obvious* – I am calling them first thing in the morning!
I go to Victorias Secret and its the salesladies job to ensure I have NO Backfat. I pay big money for those boulder holders so if they want the sale…they find what works.
Try it!!
I have no constructive advice as I have never been in love with a single bra I have ever owned. I WILL be shopping for the “Bra-llelujah!” as soon as the stores open tomorrow! If JD's mom says it then that's good enough for me!
Hmm. Definitely outside my realm of experience. Now, I can advise you on how to find a jock strap that doesn't create ass-fat. But what would you do with it? You are a trip, as I would have said in my hippie years …
Bud aka OlderEyes