I have been in a perpetual state of SHOCK since my break up. I have begrudgingly gone through the motions of my life over this past weekend – unable to feel ANYTHING. And now, I am afraid to let myself cry. I am terrified that if I give in to this kind of pain, I might not be able to handle it.
I know I won’t be able to run away or hide from my feelings with outside distractions forever. I also know I am going to have to deal with this eventually. But I am also afraid that if I really breakdown, and I really let myself cry, it will make the breakup way too REAL. And, final.
I am not completely ready to accept that it is over. I keep thinking there WILL be a way to work through what happened. I keep praying there WILL be away for Sonny and I to get back together. But certain lines have been crossed. And I don’t know how, or if , it will ever be possible for us to come back from the damage that has been done.
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t write. And, I certainly can’t listen to the radio or any music, because everything reminds me of him. I can’t even seem to focus long enough to watch Television without my mind wandering back to him. It is taking everything I have to muster up the words for this blogpost.
I’ve spent the better part of my time this weekend, replaying every single moment I spent with him over the last three months. And while yes, there were warning signs and red flags, I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it felt to be inside the warmth of his arms, and about all of the AMAZING times we’ve shared together. All I can think about is the smell of his skin, the taste of his kiss, and the way we fit together so perfectly. And I miss him so much it’s killing me.
I believed with my WHOLE HEART that he was THE ONE. I felt like we were ‘Made For Each Other’ with every fiber of my being. I truly saw myself MARRYING him one day and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him.
I am sitting here shaken to my very core – at the mere thought of letting go of him. The idea that I might never see him again is more painful than I ever imagined. And even though my mother dragged me out of bed and took me to The Apple Store to buy the new Macbook Pro, NOTHING can fill the huge, gaping, painful void, inside of my broken heart.
Better days are ahead of you Meleah. That is how I always see it that after a dark moment there is always light.
I'm glad you are writing about it. That's a good sign. You are already on the road to healing and you don't even realize it.
Whatever happens Meleah, you WILL have to break down and let it out. It is the only way you can move on. I hate it when a friend is hurting. I wish I could take the pain away. But there is a reason why this is happening and you will look back someday and see why. Just take it day by day, minute by minute, second by second…and you'll get there.
Hugs to you!!!!
XOXOXOXO
I sure do hope so.
Thank you
Thinking of you. I am sorry.
Oh, Meleah! My heart is breaking for you. I am fighting tears reading your heartbroken words. I do hope that wherever this road leads you, it brings you back to happiness. You are so deseving of it. Hang in there, girl. We love you. xoxo
Sweetie, this hurts and sucks right now and it might for a bit to come, but you will make it through this and learn from it too. I know you will…look at how much you've come through already.
XOXO
Thanks Terri. I love you too.
Im just tired of 'going through' and 'getting through' stuff! I don't want to learn how to be stronger anymore! Im sooo sick of 'life-lessons' – can't I just get a BREAK already?
Meleah, the fact that you are even thinking of whether you want to deal with all of this means you are aware of so many things. Being aware sucks, but you will deal with all of it when you are ready. take your time and do what is good for you. Much love and snurgles coming from Iowa…
I am so sad to read this. Your heart must be broken. I don't understand why Sonny would want to leave you – you are one in a million. Sending you all my love XXXX
I wish I could STAY in DENIAL forever!
Well, Sonny didn't leave me, and I didn't exactly leave him. There was no official 'breakup', I am FAR from finding and/or having any kind of official closure at this point. But, WITHOUT saying what happened, I will tell you that a few different incidents occurred over the last month, and al of those things combined led up to one big huge falling out. Sonny has not tried to contact me [nor have I tried to contact him] since the sh*t hit the fan very late on Thursday Night and well into Friday. All I know is that I am a TOTAL MESS.
I wish there was something wise I could say that would take away all the pain, but it doesn't work like that. With time, the pain will fade and you'll move on with your life. Just know that you're not alone.
Awwwww Meleah sweetie – I am soooo sorry!!!…there is no easy answer, no quick fix…it just sucks and hurts…all I can say is everything really does happen for a reason, and tho' the reason may not be known now, have faith that in time, all will be revealed…. AND I believe even better things are in store for you… in fact, I KNOW it. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!! {{{{{{{{{{hugs & xoxoxoxox}}}}}}}}}
No words can take away the pain but know that you have incredible support and love all around you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Thank you Internet Father 2.0
Thanks Shawn. I just really can't handle this. It's almost like I don't remember my life before him, and I really cannot imagine my life going forward without him. I don't even know what to do with myself.
thank you.
I am a complete disaster right now. I think I am finally going to cry………………..
*Hugs*
Things are really bad right now and it's important to give yourself that time to grieve and cry (trust me, crying would be a GOOD thing). But, until you get closure-it'll be really hard to completely heal.
Give Sonny a time limit, if he doesn't contact you in a week or two weeks-contact him. Talk things out while the two of you are calm. Decide then if it's completely over or if you need a break from one another. From your blog/facebook I know the two of you have gone through a lot of stressors in the last few months and it no doubt was one of the biggest reasons for the fight.
If Sonny is the person you are meant to be with-he will come back. He will apologize and he will do everything he can to make it right. If that doesn't happen, well, it was good that things ended before you moved in together and before you got even more involved in each others lives.
Nothing I can say or do will make it go away. Just know that I love you and am sending you all kinds of hugs. Relationships suck and the hardest thing I have ever done….
Nik:
I am ALMOST ready to cry, I just know once I start, I am not going to be able to stop.
Thank you for those great words of advice. I really needed to hear that.
Thanks Dan. It's nice to *see* you again.
Beth, I am soooooo SAD. I don't think I have ever been THIS SAD in my WHOLE LIFE.
[PS: Are you blogging again? I don't see a link in your name over here, and I haven't seen you on facebook. Would it be alright if I reached out to you via email?]
Please do – I would love to hear from you. I am a little overwhelmed with the new job yet, but eventually will get back to blogging….
Sweetheart,
I don't know if you remember, but I was in your shoes in October. I even had a diamond on my finger. I was FINALLY sure…then it blew up in my face. I thought the pain would kill me. I did start crying and didn't stop for days. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so dead inside. But it will get better, I PROMISE. I just hate that you are going through this, I hate it that you have to hurt. I hate knowing that disappointment that “this can't be happening” feeling, that “can't I just hit rewind?????” I care about you and am thinking of you. There's no way around the pain, only through it. And as with all the other challenges in your life…in the long run this will make you stronger and therefore even more special (if that's possible!). Love you!
Okay. Great. You always have such wise words for me, and I could use all of the advice I can get my hands on.
Oh Barbara, I do remember when you went through this. I'm so sorry for YOUR LOSS. I keep wishing the same things you wrote in your comment. I am finally beginning to allow myself to feel, and THIS FUCKING HURTS SO BAD I cant even breathe!!!!!!!!
I could write so many words of comfort here but I know it will never be enough to ease the pain.
Love is funny thing, when it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it hurts like shit!
Hang in there, you're a tough woman and I know you'll get through this. Take care.
There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I so agree with what silverneurotic said. There was a reason why your move date was delayed, and it looks like this was it. I have a feeling that this will be your last big mountain to climb and your life will start to level out. You WILL find the happiness you are looking for.
Thanks Nick. I dont think I will EVER get over this.
Oh Babs, I REALLY hope so. I really do, but right now? I realy MISS the way I felt when he held me in his arms all night long.
Breathe, Melz. 🙂 xoxo
thank you for calling me tonight. I needed to hear your voice. I love you. xoxo
My heart pours out for you. I know that it hurts way too much too much and your world is upside down right now, but you are stronger than you picture yourself and you will make it past this. I agree with several of your posse here that writing about it, although painful, is a good way of dealing with the pain/loss. The fact that that you can talk/write about is good. I only hope that you are surviving this and know that you have people out here who love and care for you. Please take care.
Do you need a bunch of us guys to, like, take him out?
We'd do that for you, you know.
Well, not ME personally..but I'm sure somebody on here would.
You might want to let them know.
Hoping you're better.
Maybe something better is waiting around the corner!
Thank you Agg. Ive been crying non-stop, I finally allowed myself to feel THIS, and now I cant STOP crying.
Thanks Mooooooooooooog
I can promise you that after I get through this, I will not even consider dating again until 2011. Or maybe later
Look, I hate to be a nag, but I have to say that I (and I bet quite a few others) am wondering how this thing went from perfect to finished in such a short time. Is there any way you can share with us any of the reasons for all this? “Certain lines were crossed” just raises more questions.
I'm sorry to pry like this, especially at a time when you need support rather than demands. I just can't help but share what's really on my mind here. I also know that the problem with blogs is that they're public, and you have no real privacy. This is one of the reasons why I ended mine. So what I'm saying is that I won't take any offense if you ignore this request.
I will send YOU a private email.
no words….
I was speechless for three days after the shit hit the fan, and I am still at a loss for words!
Personally speaking, I would ask Sonny to meet you somewhere and discuss if this is over and why. I know it's a tough thing to do, but if it is over, you need closure. If it is over, try to force yourself into doing things that will take your mind off of it. Hang in there Meleah, you never know what tomorrow will bring you.
I need closure so, I am in the middle of writing him a letter. Of course that is making me CRY even MORE. But I do know WHY this happened, and at this point Im not sure trying to talk to him will do any good. I hope you check your emails because I sent you something.
I feel you…and I admire you for being able to write about it!
Love you too, Melz – staying strong like we talked about I hope 🙂