I think I may have been a man in my former life because I truly loathe any kind of shopping. I just don’t seem to possess that gene other women I know have which makes them ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over sales and shoes. And if I was a man in my former life, that also might also explain my ‘chin hair situation’. Thankfully, I’ve recently discovered my rear-view mirror has the best ‘lighting’ for plucking said chin hairs.
But I digress.
With respects to shopping, I simply cannot deal. I tend to feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic from the moment I set foot inside ‘The Mall’. Alas, Tis The Season. Therefore, I had no choice but to suck it up and go out shopping. Why do I hate Holiday Shopping? Gee, glad you asked.
First off, just looking for a place to park your car at the mall can be panic-attack-inducing. There are just too may people, and NEVER any spaces. I have been known to circle the lot for hours until I find a spot remotely close to the entrance. I am determined like that.
Secondly, when I finally do enter the building? Those annoying perfume sample people immediately assault me. I am blasted with clouds of musk rendering me temporarily incoherent. At that point, blinded and confused, I become a prime candidate for a pocket picking.
Lastly, I can’t handle standing in those never ending lines. It is nothing short of a nightmare. Aside from the fact that my legs go numb after an hour, there is the issue of ‘Good Hygiene’ especially the lack thereof.
I am not sure if I just have really bad luck, or if this has happened to anyone else. But, for some reason it seems as if no one wears deodorant this time of year. The last three times I’ve stood in line; I had to breathe into my own shirt just so I wouldn’t have to smell those around me. I have never been exposed to such horrible body odor. My gag reflexes kicked in when I was hit with the colossal stench coming from a man who literally wreaked of rotten eggs, rancid meat, and sour milk, combined.
Seriously. Where the heck are those perfume sample people when you NEED them or WANT them?
People are gross. I worked at Wal-Mart for six years while I was in high school, prior to entering the IT field. I was apalled by the specimens that came through there. There were a few that smelled exactly the way you described above… only you could smell them from the other end of an aisle. I don’t understand how these people don’t realize how disgusting they are. There have been times after working out, etc, that I can’t stand myself, and I immediately rush home to take a shower. I can’t imagine smelling like… well… “that” ALL the time.
I haven’t been out with the masses yet this season for all the reasons you list. I’m wondering if this is it for me. I successfully bought everything I needed online this year. I may never set foot in a department store again.
The perfume thing? Funny bit on this week’s Modern Family where the dad gets revenge on a sprayer: http://www.hulu.com/watch/198802/modern-family-dance-dance-revelation (11:35, if you want to put up with a couple commercials).
i don’t like the mall either, walking around from store to store looking for something to buy. not. i buy online as much as possible. there is one local clothing store i do visit and a sporting store – these i have to go in – otherwise, i buy everything online. can’t be bothered with people, lines, smells, etc. i rather just pay the shipping and be done with it.
And I must have been a woman in my previous life cos I absolutely love shopping … LOL!
Ew! And Yikes!
Kathy:
Modern Family is one of THE BEST SHOWS on Network Television today.
Hands down.
And – I am REALLY jealous of your ‘internet shopping skillz’!
I wish I never had to set foot inside a store ever again.
Oh My God I am with you all the way for the same reasons..I hate it…..:)
I never liked malls, even before I became anti-consumerist. 🙂 I always liked little friendly shops with unique things that nobody else had. Before I left the states, I’d go shopping with my big brothers or with girlfriends and we’d have lunch and get drunk first and wear santa hats and sing as we strolled around and make fools out of ourselves. Sometimes, we even bought some presents for people other than ourselves. I think being drunk (with a designated driver) is the only way to Christmas shop in the mall.
And I can sooooo relate to the chin hair thing. I used to be horrified sitting next to my mother and seeing mile-long thick white chin hairs. I’d go get her tweezers and pull them out for her. Now, I HAVE THEM! But I don’t always know they’re there, since I don’t have anyone to tell me about them and the light in my bathroom is a joke. So, my students can be horrified as I teach in the front of the class with glinting chin hairs. Sigh. Can’t we go somewhere and have every pore on our chins lasered???
Valerie:
Yeah, I have to ‘try on’ clothes and shoes.
Probably why I haven’t really bought anything NEW since 2006!
And my son needed to ‘test play’ his guitar.
Cuz I was NOT spending 500$ on another electric guitar only for him to end
up hating it!
Valerie:
Yeah, I have to ‘try on’ clothes and shoes.
Probably why I haven’t really bought anything NEW since 2006!
And my son needed to ‘test play’ his guitar.
Cuz I was NOT spending 500$ on another electric guitar only for him to end
up hating it!
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH
It’s funny, because even though I’m ‘in’ retail, I don’t like to shop either. Especially in malls. That’s what I enjoy about city life, shopping in individual small stores. But even so, I’m not a big shopper. I would much rather shop at a flea market in the open air – HA!
Funny you mention people not wearing deodorant because that’s my one BIG complaint about walking the city streets during the summer months. OMG…the stench is HORRIFIC! Oddly enough, I don’t seem to smell it as much during the colder winter months – THANK GOD!!!
Hope you’re having a super Sunday, girl!
X
There is nothing I hate more than Christmas shopping.
But yeah, people are SO gross. I don’t understand it.
Nice to see you are in the holiday spirit!
That’s one of the reasons I try to avoid the malls whenever humanly possible. But I got sucked in yesterday and wasted another 3 hours of my life I will never get back. Smelling someone else’s odor is bad enough, but what about the ones who are a walking advertisement for Old Spice or their dollar store perfume? I hate standing in the “aura” of someone who has obviously marinated in whatever scent they had on sale. Honestly, can’t these people smell themselves? I stood next to one female shopper yesterday who’s fragrance would have made a dog cry. If we have such strick screening process at the airports, there ought to be someone to screen these people BEFORE they walk in the mall. That way they can weed out the nasal offenders. And while they are at it, they can also screen for spandex violations…
It’s terrible!
Oh My Lisa,
“I think being drunk (with a designated driver) is the only way to Christmas
shop in the mall.”
And I think you are on to something!
I wish I could afford to have my chin hair lasered off too.
Sadly it’s VERY expensive.
One of my lowest points was the day I plucked a GRAY chin hair.
*sigh*
xoxoxoxo
Maybe I just have really bad luck!
But HOLY HELL that guy smelled awful.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I started gagging.
I just don’t know how you *deal* with working in Retail, Ron!
🙂
People really ARE gross.
Ahahahahhaha! Agg!
Do NOT even get me started on the spandex violations!
“I hate standing in the “aura” of someone who has obviously marinated in
whatever scent they had on sale.”
FOR REAL!!!
I hate to shop… I am racing through the mall like a speed walker… I make a list of what I want … grab the ones that look reasonably priced… pay … and outta there and I’m home in less than 1 hour.
I especially hate shopping for shoes and pants…
My dad is a man… I know that … TMI ? … But he loves shopping more than my mother !
He’s out every.single.day at the malls and stores a looking for a bargain – rain, shine or snow !
I hope he has enough for his retirement !
Jaffer:
That is EXACTLY how I shop. I have a list, I stay focused, and I get out as
fast as possible. I am NOT one of those people that has to go down every
aisle, nor do I dilly-dally.
You’re dad is one in a million!
I’m almost ashamed to say that when my kids were young, I got us a limo and had them take us downtown for Christmas shopping. It was so civilized! We had the driver just store out packages and went to different stores and he was always outside waiting when we got through. No muss no fuss. Today, Alex and I can actually “afford” to do that, but we are far too frugal to even consider it. Besides, I was too young to know that was a stupid use of my hard earned money.
Linda,
SHUT.UP.
Im officially jealous!
I have ALWAYS dreamed of hiring a limo to take me shopping in NYC during
Christmas time. Maybe one day, if I ever win the lottery, that WILL happen.
Your best title ever!!! I had to sit next to a foreign guy on the plane back from Vegas… the LONGEST flight of course. He stunk AND had bad breath. When he fell asleep his mouth opened… blahhhh!!!!!
I’m with you on the shopping. This year I joined the free “mom club” on Amazon and did a lot of shipping there… free two day shipping on everything. Woo hoo!
And the chin thing? I am SO bringing by tweezers in the car!
Im telling you: tweezers + rear-vie mirror = best lighting.
I would have DIED if I had to sit next to someone like that on an airplane.
Yikes.
Hmmm…Im going to check out that Amazon dealy
Right there with you. I absolutely hate shopping, doesn’t matter what time of year it is. And I cannot handle those super early Black Friday sales. No thank you. Like Kathy, I’ve done the majority of my shopping online, but I still have a few things I have to pick up at the store and I really do dread it. Believe it or not the stores are *still* crowded at 10 am on a school day.
Where are these people coming from? Stay home people. Or if you’re not going to stay home, bring some deodorant with you. I loved the image of you breathing through your shirt like Dennis Hopper in “Blue Velvet.”
Remember that movie? That movie was messed up. I still don’t know what it was about or why I he had to sniff the hell out of fabric.
Well, you know my feelings about ’tis the season. Office parties and family reunions are probably the easy parts. Now as for shoppers’ mob … maybe a few of those last-minute soap-on-a-rope stocking fillers might come in handy. You know, give unto others (who smell)
Girl, I know all about the stores being MOBBED on a MONDAY morning. WTF?
Black Friday? More like NOT EVEN FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
[well, maybe for a million dollars!]
I never saw that movie
*runs to google*
Good Call!
Can I hand them out to those stinky people standing in line at the stores?
Online. Shopping.
HA. I know. I know.
But, Justin had to “try-out” a guitar before we bought it.
My hands were tied. I had NO CHOICE but to venture into the dreaded mall.
However, on the BRIGHT SIDE, I saved 200$ and Justin *LOVES* his new guitar.
I haven’t had to brave the malls yet. And in my current state, it would be a lame idea. Hahaha! Literally. No, those of us completely lacking in intelligence are waiting for the weekend before Christmas. Pray for us or send someone to put us out of our misery. Thankfully I seem to be semi-unaware of others’ odiferousness. Is that a word? Maybe it has something to do with raising a houseful of boys.
HA! Kellypea, I am SO stealing the word odiferousness!!
Fortunately I have no money to shop this year, so I will forego the horrific hygiene contacts. See, there IS some light in this economy.
Good way of looking at it!
Was watching that show yesterday (ahhh, where they evaluate antiques) and they had a 1954 Fender Stratocaster. Got any Idea how much $$$$….. $60,000.00 AHHHH !
I am in the online and Christmas Eve early morning shopping category. Usually not many folks out early that morning. If I can’t get what I want I merely send out $100.00 bills (Not)
As far as parking, Im sure I wont change your mind but I park out at the edge of the lot and count it as exercise (sorta-kinda ;>) No stress mon……
Hey, wouldn’t it be kool to bring your own personal bottle of Febreze Sport scent and liberally dose those olfactorific offenders !
60,000.00? Wow.
I love to shop, but I kind of hate it this time of year when you have to battle the crowds, crowded parking lots and…. like you said…. body odor! Eeew!
Why? For the love of all things holy – WHY don’t people use deodorant?!
I guess I have just been lucky. While I haven’t been to the mall, I have been to a number of different stores and my experiences have been fine. I guess that is why I am willing to venture out again. If my experiences were bad, I wouldn’t go back.
I am so totally with you on this one! I simply don’t do it anymore. I shop online. Occasionally during the year if I find something special I will grab it then. We are getting off really easy this year. None of our kids have a picture of us together that isn’t over 25 years old. So when Walter starts his vacation next week, we are setting up the tripod, taking our own picture, buying frames and everyone will be set. of course, we will send toys for the really little ones!
And, yes, I hate the perfume and I too always seem to find all of the people who have no clue deodorant was ever invented!!
I had an OKAY time in Target.
But The Mall? Not.So.Much.
Oh Jackie, that is an AWESOME gift!
I don’t care to shop either and I no longer search for the perfect spot, I park at the farthest point at high tail it in (LOL). I feel for you dealing with the bad body odor!! That is the worst. Hang in there, January is around the corner.
I am exactly the same. Shopping brings me out in a cold sweat. If I was rich I’d have a personal shopper. The queues are horrendous, aren’t they? Next year I am going to shop as much as I can online. I can’t wait until my son starts driving. I will pay him to shop for me. Haha.
Oh, I am NOT going back out.
If someone else needs/wants a present?
They better have it at the CVS across from my house!!!
xoxoxo
Ahahahahhaha!
Great Idea, Selma.
Let’s PAY our kids to do it for us as soon as they can drive!
Well, I guess that means that I was a past life woman, because I love shopping, especially at Christmas. And, by the way, my wife accuses me of having less hair on my legs than her! Anyway, my technique is to go out early as soon as the stores open and shop until the crowds start showing up. It solves the parking space problem and minimizes the number of stinky people. Actually, I haven’t had as many problems with bad odors as I have with stinky attitudes. The mall seems to be the place that the Christmas spirit permeates least. Still, I always go out on Christmas Eve to buy one gift for each person in my family. I try to be the happiest shopper in the mall, smiling, wishing Merry Christmas and whistling carols. People probably think I’m crazy.
You need to steer the ‘good hygiene’ people over to the perfume blasters.
It’s all in the wrist, really.*
* I have no idea what that means.