Meleah is writing this blog post in the third person, because it’s easier for her to make fun of her self [and light of any situation] when she refers to herself in the third person. Especially when she is delirious from total exhaustion.
[Sorry, Moog35.]
This week’s ‘Cleaning Extravaganza’ provided what could have been, most excellent ‘Facebook Status Updates’. However, Meleah was recently warned by The Facebook Gestapo. [Again.] Apparently, Meleah needs to work on “her thumbs up appropriateness factor” and may have received that warning because “she got carried away with liking“. But nobody really knows why this keeps happening, because she cannot get a straight answer from anyone employed by Facebook.
Since Meleah did not want to have her account disabled [again] and since her cell phone is a total piece of shit lacking any Internet Capabilities, it was impossible to Update her Status. Thus, she refrained from posting anything on Facebook for several days. [In.A.Row.] She even held back from posting any updates on her ‘Twin Sister’s’ page: Mia Rebecca Baldwin.
[In good news, Meleah’s temporary ban from socially interacting, has already been lifted.]
That being said, Meleah would like to share with ya’ll the ‘Facebook Status Updates, That Could Have Been, But Sadly – Never Made It To The Internet.
Until. Now.
1. Meleah and Nightingale are lost again. What…A Surprise.
2. Meleah is working so hard cleaning; she is sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th quarter.
3. Meleah thinks that if vacuuming were an Olympic Sport, she would have won the Gold Medal after flawlessly removing all the debris from more than one million square feet of carpet combined.
4. Meleah had no idea she possessed such grace and dexterity in her left hand, until after she became an Olympic Gold Medalists in the extreme sport of vacuuming.
5. Meleah has decided that wiping down the equipment located within the gyms [inside of the country clubs she cleaned] is more than enough exercise anyone could ever possibly need.
6. Meleah just might start speaking fluent Spanish.
7. Meleah realized she desperately needs a new pair of sneakers, when she awoke suffering from a painful case of shin splits, after her second full day of laborious cleaning wherein she scoured two town houses [three stories high, complete with an elevator inside the individual unit] and three model homes. And, all before 11:00am. On a Saturday.
8. Meleah thinks that cleaning 9,000 square feet is a whole lot of fucking cleaning prior to noon, on any given day, not just on Saturday’s.
9. Meleah had to ‘cross the line’ when an elderly sales lady tried to convince her to stop smoking. When the elderly sales lady overheard Meleah panting like a rabid dog while mopping 1686372.8 square feet of hardwood flooring, she tried suggesting Meleah should give up her cigarettes and take Chantix. Meleah, having no time for chitchat, loaded her reply with shock value and said with a straight face, “Oh no thank you. I tried that once. And five weeks later? I almost committed suicide.” Meleah is pretty sure that elderly sales woman won’t be asking her to quit smoking any time in the near future.
10. Meleah thinks that working two days in a row, is two days in a row – too many.
11. Meleah is seriously considering spending all of her money on a therapeutic deep tissue massage.
Okay, that’s about all the ‘Facebook Status Updates’ Meleah would have posted if she had internet access, and if she was not on whatever ‘Facebook Watch List’ that constantly warns her, she may be ‘Abusing Facebook’ and/or ‘Annoying Others’.
On to the next topic.
Meleah has developed a new habit for creating ‘titles’ for the people in her life, because nicknames just aren’t good enough for her.
As such, Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] felt slighted and cheated when Meleah invented this title:
‘The New Girl’, Amanda The Bartender In Training [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card].
Because as far as Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] is concerned, the LONGER a persons the title, the BETTER.
Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] became noticeably upset when she compared her name/title to this person:
Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].
Therefore, Meleah went ahead and revised Amy’s title. [Several times until it was just right.] Meleah is proud to present:
Amy The Bartender, Who Plays Tennis – But Is Not Ranked, And Who Incessantly Checked Her Reflection In The Windows Of Other People’s Cars [While Standing In The Middle Of A Crime Scene] To Make Sure Her Hair Remained Pin Straight, In The Humidity, At Two In The Morning, And While Seated Curbside – Counting Out Her Tips, [In The Dark] To Pay For The Tow Truck, After Spending Money On A Specific Keratin Treatment – That Promised To Deliver The Aforementioned Hair Follicle Wonders. And Was Pleasantly Surprised When Those Said Products ‘Lived Up’ To Her Expectations. [Otherwise Known As: Amy, ‘The Accident Victim’ (Lakewood, 06/25/09) That Was Granted Permission To Call ‘Officer Novack’ Simply, John.] Who Also Miraculously Survived A Horrifying Car Ride, Wherein She Was So Desperate To Escape, She Actually Contemplated Jumping Out Of The Vehicle And Implementing The ‘Tuck And Roll Method’ Who May Or May Not Have Looked Like A Petrified Female Version Of ‘The Terminator’ During Said Horrifying Car Ride, Due In Part To Wearing Prescription Sunglasses -Well After The Sun Had Set.
Of course, Amy The Bartender was very pleased with the result and her newest and ‘title’. And, much to Meleah’s surprise, Amy The Bartender, decided to return the favor.
Meleah would like to share with you, the longest ‘Title’ ever created by: Amy The Bartender, And, Amanda In Training:
Amy The Bartender And Amanda In Training, Have A Favorite Customer; A Girl Who Considers The Bar At KHCC To Be Her Office, Who Sits In The Same Barstool Every Day With Her Mac Computer, And Is Referred To As ‘Mac-Girl’ or ‘Apple-Girl’ By Various Customers, Who Loves Her Mac So Much That She Actually Made A Short Movie About Her Love Affair With Her Computer, Who Considers Herself An Olympic Gold Medalist In The Extreme Sport Of Vacuuming, Who May or May Not Answer To The Name Sophia, Who Really Ate Two Cheeseburgers From KHCC [And A Peach Cobbler Dessert Compliments Of The Chef] Who Had A Severe Panic Attack Driving Over The Goethals Bridge [Twice] Who Was Not Named After Anyone, Who Would Be Friends With Herself If She Was Another Person, Who May or May Not Order The Rosetta Stone Program To Learn Spanish, Who Wears Pajamas In Public, Who Is A Fan Of Chelsea Handler, Who Prefers Pink Over Red, Who Has A ‘Twin Sister’ Mia, Who Prefers The Rolling Stones Over The Beatles, Who Sweats Profusely [Rather Than Perspire] Who Uses Hot Rollers Over A Curling Iron, Who Was Removed From Facebook For Abusing Her Privileges [And Possibly Offending Other People] Who Has Several Health Problems Including Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, And L.A.S., And Presently Suffers From The Need To Frequently Urinate [Which She Contracted From Amy The Bartender] And Who May Be Ambidextrous, Who Has A Crush On A Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom] – Otherwise Simply Known As ‘Meleah’.
What…An Amazingly Long [and funny] Title.
Let’s try saying that three times fast. Yes?
Meleah was very flattered and laughed [until her face fell off] when she read the two notebook pages that were filled with the handwritten words of her new title. Of course, Meleah will be not be using that title to sign any important or legal documents.
This concludes Meleah’s blog post for the week.
But, she is still trying to work out the blog post which will be titled: ‘A Meaningless Blind Date With Someone Who May Or May Not Be In The Witness Protection Program, Tiny Bladder Syndrome Verses Leaky Ass Syndrome And How Spending Too Much Time With The Same Person May Lead To Transference Of Syndromes. And, How To Spend The Fourth Of July – In The Emergency Room -Twice.‘ [Just as soon as she finds the free time to write it!]
Oh!
Snap!
One last thing…
For those of you who have been inquiring, Meleah is dedicated to writing Chapter 14 in her book, over the course of this week.
You have officially worn me out. I don’t think I can EVER read your new name, in it’s entirety, ever again.
By the way…for curiousity sake…if you game me a “title” what would it be?
Wow. I feel like I’ve just climbed Mt. Everest after reading that post. Phew!
Silver:
The two of them spent an HOUR creating that!
ahahahahaha
And, Yes! I was hoping people would want me to make titles for them! I will absolutely create ‘A Title’ specifically for you, although, I’m sure it will NOT be as long as my ‘title’! But, I have two questions first.
1. Do you want an internet appropriate title = in a comment form [and one that will possibly be used in future blog posts]?
or,
2. Would you prefer a private appropriate title = in an email form?
L’uragano
Really?
This was actually one of my shorter posts!
xoxo
After reading all this only one question – will you come and clean my house? 🙂
i just love the way you write.. you always have me laughing and wondering where the hell you get this stuff!!!
Those are quite the titles. I shall just call you Meleah if that’s alright with you…or in my family’s tradition of just shortening it to “M” because we call everyone we love by their first (and sometimes middle) initials.
Or sometimes just a one sylabol nickname. Like Mike, or Boo, or Sof. You let me know…
Sheesh! Reading this post was like an Olympic event!! Really funny and terrific as usual, though. Be sure and let me know when Ch 14 is finished. xoxo
Btw, I’m blogging again.
Boy, that Meleah is one funny/crazy person. Sometimes she reminds me of a chipmunk on caffine. When they do add vacuuming to the Olympics, I’m sure you’ll suck up the gold medal.
I love Meleah’s new the titles althought I bet they are a bitch to get on a business card.
Looking forward to what surprises are revealed in Chapter 14.
WOW that’s a long assed post…I’ll have to read it tonight when I am sitting and not on the go…LOL:) But I agree 2 days working in a row is 2 day too many…:)
Skipper:
Absolutely!
xoxoxo
Paisley:
YES!
And thank you!
I’m glad you ‘get it’ because I was concerned this was too much of an inside joke between Amy, Amanda and I. I’m so glad the story came through!
*kiss kiss – hug hug*
Cute Ella:
I’m fine with you calling me “M”
🙂
Stephanie:
Yay! Im thrilled you are back, I’ve missed you so much!
I’ll be over to your new blog today and re-add you to my blog roll!
And, I will email you as soon as Chapter 14 is finished.
xoxoxo
Agg79:
Yes that Meleah is totally super crazy!! And she could never use that title on a business card! And I will email you too, as soon as Chapter 14 is finished!!
🙂
DeboHobo:
Two Days In A Row, Really IS Two Days = TOO MANY!
Honestly, out of habit I was ready to click the like button. Although it’s a good thing that blogs don’t have them. Loved your status updates…though I think I want a nickname.. 😉
Enjoyable as usual–and I chuckled as usual.
FYI–If you REALLY want to sweat a lot, sweat like a top 3 forward in the NHL in the second period. They REGULARLY POUR sweat out of their gloves–and can lose 10 or more pounds per game. {sigh} If I could skate, I could lose weight. WOW–I even made myself laugh at that one! 😀
And you can make ME a title any time. I’m sure ‘hockey’ would be a word that shows up in it. 😉
Can I have a really cool Meleah-ized nickname? Please?
Michael C:
I know! I was in flickr the other day and I was looking for the
‘like button’
ahhahaha
Yes! I would LOVE to make a title for you!
But, I have two questions first:
1. Do you want an internet appropriate title = in a comment form [and one that will possibly be used in future blog posts]?
or,
2. Would you prefer a private appropriate title = in an email form?
CMK:
I’m glad you liked that post! I wasn’t sure people would understand this because of the inside joke nature of it, so I am glad it came through. And I cannot even imagine sweating like THAT! That is NUTS!
And I’d LOVE to make a title for you too, but I have to ask you ‘The Same Questions’ I asked Michael C {and Silver and Terri]!!
xoxo
Terri:
Yes! Of course you can!
But I am going to ask you the same questions I asked Michael C & Silver & CMK:
1. Do you want an internet appropriate title = in a comment form [and one that will possibly be used in future blog posts]?
or,
2. Would you prefer a private appropriate title = in an email form?
Yeah sweating like that is crazy. The worst thing is, from what I have been told, is the smell of the equipment and locker room. I guess it isn’t something you forget any time soon. 🙂
As for the title–whatever you would like, private or public. But then, you are having to do so many of these, I thought I would help you out with mine. You can use it if you like, or do your own thing–only if you have the time. So here goes:
cmk, the woman who thinks Meleah is an absolutely amazing woman and sweetheart, who has a totally inappropriate crush on a hockey player who happens to be younger than her youngest–only by a couple of weeks, though–and is passionate about hockey and obsessed with the Red Wings, but DOES have other interests besides hockey.
There you go–do with it what you will. 😀
CMK:
Aahahahhahahaha.
HAHHAHAHhahahah
I loved it!
But I am still going to make one for you too!
xoxoxoxoxo
Meleah is working so hard cleaning; she is sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th quarter. always my favorite line, well one of them from you. i sooo get the picture
and tell that old lady to mind her…well never mind, you did right. the suicide thing was good enough. lol
meleah has outdone herself!!! an early 3rd person, status update AND title containing blog! you know how amythebartender loves all three of those things! amythebartender believes this is her favorite blog to date! it only took amythebartender a few minutes max to read, and as far as amythebartender is concerned, the longer meleah’s blogs…..the better!
cmk:you need to add, otherwise known as cmk to the end of your title, but meleah will do that, and much more.
Natural:
Sweating Like Patrick Ewing in the 4th is so very visual!
ahahahah
Amy The Bartender:
Meleah loves that Amy The Bartender enjoyed this post as much as she did. And, Meleah threw in the 3rd person Just For YOU!
Meleah agrees with Amy The Bartender and thinks if it’s takes such a long for people to actually read this blog post, they are probably very slow readers.
And as far as Meleah is concerned, Amy The Bartender OUT DID HERSELF when she created Meleah’s title.
Oh. And. Meleah knows all about adding “Otherwise Known As So- And So” [at the END of all the titles] And Meleah is excited about making titles for my lovely readers that requested them!
Hilarious. Oh, I really needed that laugh today. You are an absolute gem, Meleah. This post was brilliant!
I think Amy and Amanda may need a blog of their own!
I was wondering who Mia was !!!!!! I love that you make me laugh constantly 🙂
Selma:
Yay! Im glad I made you laugh today!
Love you!
Momo Fali:
Amy & Amanda are very funny and I am lucky to call them my friends!
xoxo
The Girl:
Yep. Well, I had to do, what I had to do – so I could stay on FB!
🙂
I really find this whole FB thing with them beating up on you to be so wrong. I’m beginning to wonder if someone who works there might have known you and had a grudge. Next thing they will be hammering you for updating in the 3rd person. It will be some clause in their grammar rules.
You? Are a freaking CHAMPION.
That is my title for you, as far as I’m concerned.
Ricardo:
No, its been happening to a lot of people I know. A few of my other friends have had to make alternative profiles as well. Its very frustrating!
LiLu:
Aw. Shucks!
🙂
Estuve en libro de Cara y desbordé para ver si usted estuvo aquí. ¡Se parece a todo es bien! ¿Mi pregunta es, “por qué español?” …. La velocidad Cat Hollydale ahora es hecho comentar, pero regresará otra vez pronto. Hola Meleah : -)
¡Gritar muy fuerte …. hoooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!! de yhaaaaaaaaaa! (riéndose reír)
Hahaha this is funny! Your title is excellent! Goodness gracious, your friends are brilliant! And So Are You! 🙂
I hope you’re paid well for all the cleaning jobs! You’ve been working so hard, and you know what’s so special about you? You actually love working hard doing hard work. You’re precious, really.
Speedy:
Well I am NOT fluent YET!
And I have NO IDEA what that says!
RMH:
You are such a doll!
xoxo
Just loved it!!!! Couldn’t stop laughing with all those status updates and especially the one with telling the lady that you quit smoking and almost committed suicide LOL! Your title is amazing!
I was reading this and wanted to press Like! You should give all your readers a title!
By the way I wanted to read your last chapter and it said password protected – last time I believe I didn’t need one or is it my imagination?!?!
Terry:
Im so glad you enjoyed this post! 🙂 Oh, and I am making titles for the readers who requested them! They will be posted on Sunday. Its crazy how Facebook makes you look for the like button on other applications!
As for my book, I have password protected chapters 4-13 so that no one steals them! I can email you the password if you’d like?
Meleah sure keeps herself busy!
Oh yes please! I want to know what happens!!! I’m trying to copy paste you a thumbs up – don’t know if it will work!
Well 1345 words…
I’m not a Facebook guy. Hardly enough time to read all of my fav blogs and write my own!
always entertaining post! I need to catch up with your world!
Heather OSB:
You got that right!
xoxo
Terry:
Ahahhahaha
copy paste a thumbs up!
Sure I will email it to you!
Oscar:
sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day my friend!
🙂
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i finally broke down and joined facebook last december. It was quite fun at first, but it grew old for me very quickly. Now i get yelled at by friended people to “Update your damn status already!” every few weeks..
Thanks Oscar!
Slyde:
Not me.
I am forever thinking of new updates, and I post them several times a day!
You never cease to amaze me – you’ve always been THE BEST at this.
Gawd, I’ve missed you… 🙂
I am so glad it’s the end of the day when I read this because if it wasn’t I could not finish the rest of my day. I’m worn out.
And, I think name badges are in order…
SoLow:
I have REALLY missed YOU!
I am so thrilled to see a comment from YOU
YAY!
xoxoxo
Vanessa:
I like the name badges idea!
It said ” Hello Meleah” …. 🙂
Pingback: Momma Mia, Mea Culpa » Blog Archive » A ‘Gift’: From Me, To You!
Speedy:
Wouldn’t that have just said:
“Hola Meleah”
ahahahahah
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They were talking about you! I was half way through that title before I figured it out. I was all ready to hear some real smack about the uptight chick who hogs her Apple computer and skulks around the country club hogging someone else’s favorite spot. See how I did that? I was adding bits and pieces to that story all on my own. Of course then I saw the links and thought A) Meleah has no idea how pingbacks work and B) and then even after realizing that you don’t understand how pingbacks work you don’t have a mean bone in your body so you wouldn’t be snarking on anyone but yourself. Of course I could have also checked out the links.
I’m not surprised you got banned from FB with your liking every single thing anyone ever even thinks about saying.
“I’m not surprised you got banned from FB with your liking every single
thing anyone ever even thinks about saying. ”
Well, that is NOT entirely true!
I am VERY selective when it comes to promoting OTHER people’s blogs on my
profile page.
And, um…I don’t really know how pingbacks work.
And…why the heck are you reading this OLD blog post, now?
It’s an old post? Really? From when? I thought I was on the front page.
Dang.