And So It Goes…

As some of you know, for the past 36 days I have been riddled with anxiety & depression while going through the most gut-wrenching pain I’ve ever experienced in my entire adult life.

I was waking up at night, every two hours, from horrifying nightmares. And I don’t remember the last time I truly slept.

I couldn’t really eat and when I did manage to choke down a few bites – I inevitably threw it back up. I don’t remember the last time I had a complete meal and kept it down.

I couldn’t pay attention to much of anything because I couldn’t stop my brain from reeling. I don’t remember the last time I had a conversation without stopping mid-sentence to ask, “What was I saying?” And I don’t remember the last time I watched a TV show without rewinding it every five minutes because I have no idea what I just saw. Brain on complete overload.

I’ve had every single feeling: from total devastation & severe sadness, to anger & rage, to fear & anxiety, to relief & excitement. And sometimes? I’ve had ALL of those feelings AT THE SAME TIME. I’ve also had feelings that I don’t even recognize and can’t put into words.

But according to my therapist, this is perfectly normal when the life you worked so hard for suddenly blows up – and your entire world gets ripped out from under your feet.

I haven’t had the time to fully process everything, yet. And I certainly haven’t had the time to properly grieve the depths of this overwhelming loss.

I’ve been too busy running on sheer adrenaline & survival mode; packing, finding a new place to live, more packing, stressing, unpacking, decorating, and trying to figure out the right direction for my new life.

Now that the immediate crisis is finally over, and now that I am officially moved into my own condo – I am going to need to take some personal time to mourn this soul-crushing breakup, much like I would mourn the passing of a loved one.

He was supposed to be my “forever” – but now I need to let him go. And I can only do that by grieving the loss of what we once had and grieving the loss of the future I thought we were going to have.

I don’t want to discuss the details of my breakup at this time. So please don’t ask, “what happened?” Maybe one day, when I get to the other-side of this, I’ll write about it. But for now, I can’t. It’s just too painful.

In the meantime, if y’all could send me some good vibes, positive / inspirational quotes, funny jokes, cute pictures and lots of loving – I will be forever grateful.

Thank you.

Love,
M

Or so I thought.

PS: On a lighter note…

1. I’ve discovered the quickest way to lose weight. It’s called the “devastation diet.” You’re guaranteed to lose 20 pounds in 20 days!

2. I think I’ve regained my “single-mom-strength” because during the move, I was able to pack, carry, and unpack 9 million boxes within 48 hours.

3. And finally, I’ve mastered the use of a power-drill.