The last few weeks of my life have been incredibly difficult, to say the least.
First, I almost died. Like for real.
Then, after seeing my allergist – per ‘Medical Instructions’ I survived on a steady diet of cheese, and chicken broth, for thirteen days, in a row.
My doctor, determined to find the cause of anaphylaxis shock, reviewed my medical history and decided he needed sennd me for some rather extensive blood work.
Now, anyone who knows me can tell you that I will absolutely faint at the mere sight of a needle. It’s a legitimate fear that I simply cannot control. Thankfully, the fine people over at Lab-Corp are quite accommodating. And they brought me to the children’s ward, again.
I am proud to announce that I did not cry and I did not faint. And, according to my friends on Facebook, I’m officially a ‘big girl’ now.
But then I paced around, anxiously waiting for the test results, for the next three days.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. My stomach practiced jumping jacks and cartwheels.
And then I finally got the phone call.
My results are in.
Food Allergies, By Class Category:
Here are the foods I am NOT allowed to eat, because they will actually KILL me.
[* Insert Drum Roll *]
And then I fainted.
And then I cried.
And then I slept for two days.
I should probably either be suicidal or homicidal by now. But, luckily, thanks to all of YOU, I’m not.
My “New Diet” basically consists of the following:
Cheese, Beef, Chicken, Pork, Bacon, Turkey, Anchovy, Basil, Clams, Halibut, Lobster, Oyster, Tuna, Shrimp, Salmon, Scallops, Swordfish, Crab, Cantaloupe, Banana, Cranberry, Black & Green Olives, Black Pepper, Mushroom, Sugar, Salt, Milk, Eggs, Tea, and Coffee.
Thank god I don’t have to give up coffee. Seriously.
Now, before ya’ll go and start to feel sorry for me, rest assured, I have already scheduled an appointment with a Professional Nutritionist. And hopefully, she will be able to help me construct an appropriate ‘Menu’ to fit my allergic / dietary restrictions.
Because let’s face it…
I could write about how I wished I knew that was the last slice of pizza I was ever going to eat, or the last beer I was ever going to drink. Because if I had, I would have eaten a whole pie to myself and washed it down with a case of Corona.
I could…complain for weeks on end, because I’m an Italian that can’t have any pasta or any sauce. I could cry from the rooftops about why it’s not fair and how hard it is going to be over the holidays when I will have to sit and watch everyone else eating all of the things I love.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will delve head first into three pounds of Lobster drizzled in obscene amounts of melted buttery goodness. Delighted, in knowing I never have to ‘share’ any of my food. I will consume extravagant and expensive fish products, until I get Mercury Poisoning. (Ah yes! ‘Gluttony Is Good’.)
I could…write about how I feel ‘Completely Insecure’ and utterly humiliated when dining out in a restaurant. I could describe ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ moments when faced with ordering a meal with such specific restrictions.
I could…go into graphic detail about how unnerving, stressful, and upsetting it is to be a lady and have a ‘leaky ass’ in public. Or, I could post funny pictures of what it is like for me to be trapped in the bathroom during an attack. Because ‘Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom.’
But, I already did that.
So, I won’t.
Instead…I will find out just how much cheese and bacon one person can eat before succumbing to congestive heart failure.
I could…write about how I am ‘Depressed’ because ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ have hijacked the ‘Quality Of My Life’ on so many levels. I could justify why I am so ‘Angry’ over how my body has betrayed me. Or allow myself to become so ‘Anxious’ over things I cannot control, that I have panic attacks just thinking about them. I could ‘Circle The Emotional Drain’ from the crushing and debilitating guilt I feel for being such a burden to those around me.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will do my best live my life the best way I can.
And there you have it.
In closing, I truly appreciate all of the love and support I’ve received from all of my wonderfully amazing friends. Honestly, I would not have been able to get through any of this without you.
Ya’ll “Rock The Casbah.”
Thank you, Internet. From the bottom of my heart.
I am one lucky lady.
* PS: Next week, I’d really like to change the subject!
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