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The Results Are In

The last few weeks of my life have been incredibly difficult, to say the least.

Let’s recap.

Shall, we?

First, I almost died. Like for real.

Then, after seeing my allergist – per ‘Medical Instructions’ I survived on a steady diet of cheese, and chicken broth, for thirteen days, in a row.

My doctor, determined to find the cause of anaphylaxis shock, reviewed my medical history and decided he needed sennd me for some rather extensive blood work.

Now, anyone who knows me can tell you that I will absolutely faint at the mere sight of a needle. It’s a legitimate fear that I simply cannot control. Thankfully, the fine people over at Lab-Corp are quite accommodating. And they brought me to the children’s ward, again.

I am proud to announce that I did not cry and I did not faint. And, according to my friends on Facebook, I’m officially a ‘big girl’ now.

But then I paced around, anxiously waiting for the test results, for the next three days.

I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t eat.  My stomach practiced jumping jacks and cartwheels.

And then I finally got the phone call.

My results are in.

Food Allergies, By Class Category:

Here are the foods I am NOT allowed to eat, because they will actually KILL me.

[* Insert Drum Roll *]

And then I fainted.

And then I cried.

A lot.

And then I slept for two days.

I should probably either be suicidal or homicidal by now.  But, luckily, thanks to all of YOU, I’m not.

My “New Diet” basically consists of the following:

Cheese, Beef, Chicken, Pork, Bacon, Turkey, Anchovy, Basil, Clams, Halibut, Lobster, Oyster, Tuna, Shrimp, Salmon, Scallops, Swordfish, Crab, Cantaloupe, Banana, Cranberry, Black & Green Olives, Black Pepper, Mushroom, Sugar, Salt, Milk, Eggs, Tea, and Coffee.

Thank god I don’t have to give up coffee. Seriously.

Now, before ya’ll go and start to feel sorry for me, rest assured, I have already scheduled an appointment with a Professional Nutritionist. And hopefully, she will be able to help me construct an appropriate ‘Menu’ to fit my allergic / dietary restrictions.

Because let’s face it…

I could write about how I wished I knew that was the last slice of pizza I was ever going to eat, or the last beer I was ever going to drink. Because if I had, I would have eaten a whole pie to myself and washed it down with a case of Corona.


I could…complain for weeks on end, because I’m an Italian that can’t have any pasta or any sauce. I could cry from the rooftops about why it’s not fair and how hard it is going to be over the holidays when I will have to sit and watch everyone else eating all of the things I love.

But, I wont.

Instead…I will delve head first into three pounds of Lobster drizzled in obscene amounts of melted buttery goodness. Delighted, in knowing I never have to ‘share’ any of my food. I will consume extravagant and expensive fish products, until I get Mercury Poisoning. (Ah yes! ‘Gluttony Is Good’.)

I could…write about how I feel ‘Completely Insecure’ and utterly humiliated when dining out in a restaurant. I could describe ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ moments when faced with ordering a meal with such specific restrictions.


I could…go into graphic detail about how unnerving, stressful, and upsetting it is to be a lady and have a ‘leaky ass’ in public. Or, I could post funny pictures of what it is like for me to be trapped in the bathroom during an attack. Because ‘Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom.’

But, I already did that.

So, I won’t.

Instead…I will find out just how much cheese and bacon one person can eat before succumbing to congestive heart failure.

I could…write about how I am ‘Depressed’ because ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ have hijacked the ‘Quality Of My Life’ on so many levels. I could justify why I am so ‘Angry’ over how my body has betrayed me. Or allow myself to become so ‘Anxious’ over things I cannot control, that I have panic attacks just thinking about them. I could ‘Circle The Emotional Drain’ from the crushing and debilitating guilt I feel for being such a burden to those around me.

But I won’t.

Instead…I will do my best live my life the best way I can.

And there you have it.

In closing, I truly appreciate all of the love and support I’ve received from all of my wonderfully amazing friends. Honestly, I would not have been able to get through any of this without you.

Ya’ll “Rock The Casbah.”

Thank you, Internet. From the bottom of my heart.

I am one lucky lady.

* PS: Next week, I’d really like to change the subject!

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  • That list is definitely intimidating.  If you want help, let me know.  I have become an expert at substitutions and can suggest some products and resources you can check out for the common ones.  Good luck and let me know if I can help in any way.

  • I suppose I am going to lose a lot of weight!

  • This really DOES suck.
    And lettuce is what triggered my near death experience.
    Cuz, unlike everyone guessed, I am NOT allergic to anchovy.

  • xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo

  • Totally.

  • Oh, I lurves to too sweety.
    And I am glad I have a second chance at life!

    But, I already really Pizza & Beer.


  • I’ve had eggs and cheese every day for the past 5 days.
    I need to change it up already.

  • Thank you.


  • BK

    I can talk about how much food you can’t eat but I won’t too … lets focus on all the good food you can have. Its wonderful to be alive.

  • BK

    I can talk about how much food you can’t eat but I won’t too … lets focus on all the good food you can have. Its wonderful to be alive.

  • It IS wonderful to be alive!

  • It IS wonderful to be alive!

  • It IS wonderful to be alive!

  • Steph


    I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s been going on for so long, at least you now have the final word and can move forward with a plan. So many people love you, and want to see you succeed in spectacular fashion. Look at this as the first step in that direction. xoxo

  • STEPH!!

    I miss you, woman!


  • Good attitude Meleah! I’m with you: go to town on the lobster, bacon, and cheese. And you know, I think they sell glutein free flour so maybe you can fashion some kind of pizza substitute. YOU KNOW….now that I think of it, you could use this to your advantage. You could create an entire recipe book dedicated to people with food allergies! Do you know how HUGE that market is? Well, I don’t either but I suspect it is. I say turn this shitty situation around and make a million! You’re welcome…I won’t even expect a portion of the profits 🙂

  • Jules

    Maybe just consider yourself to be on Iron Chef…you only have these ingredients…what will you come up with? And you can have basil! You can use that on a lot of stuff to give it different flavoring, and hey- melted cheese on just about anything is amazing. Best of luck with you new diet. I’m intrigued to see how it goes, and happy you are okay and can eat more than cheese and meat now!

  • Hey, that’s not bad. In fact that’s a pretty lengthy list. It could be worse. You could end up with a list that consisted of only vegetables. If it were me I’d hope that would be the list of things I couldn’t eat! Especially peas. Bleck. And, hey, you can eat bacon!!! Hang in there. You’re going to be fine…and healthy!

  • Thank, Jules!

  • I actually MISS fruits and vegetables.
    Especially watermelon in the summer.

    Oh well.

    I will get used to this, eventually.
    And I will figure out how to eat within these crazy restrictions.

  • Sadly, I cannot eat gluten free food.
    They are derived from either soy, corn, or rice flours.
    All of which I am allergic to.

    And forget MOCK Pizza.
    I can’t have tomatoes. Or sauce.


    I will figure something out.
    I have no choice!

  • Anonymous

    why can i no longer see this comment box while im at work? 
    i must really be in love with you for me to stop by again when im at home to leave my smartass comments….!

  • Aw. Thanks, Slyde.

    And, I have no idea.

  • Anonymous

    Mel – I am way sorry for not commenting sooner.  I’ve been reading your updates daily, but my computer was being bitchy and would not let me post on your site (no matter how much I yelled or begged). 

    I am also sorry to hear your limitations but I applaud your approach & attitude.  When life hands you lemons (or won’t let you have them), get some limes and vodka and have party.  I love how you are not letting this get you down (even though I know it is hard).  You have too much life & attitude to let this s$^t keep you down.  But, still, damn that list is long.  I almost think it would have been shorter if they told you what you COULD eat/drink.  Good luck with your plan and know that we are out here for you if you need the help (and if my computer lets me talk).  xOxOxO  

  • Oh Agg!

    You are always so supportive. Thank you.

    Now, there ARE moments/days when I feel completely frustrated and overwhelmed.
    But that isn’t going to help me get past this.
    So… I’m hanging on to a positive attitude.

    I’m not going to let this WIN or define me as a person.

    I really hope you get those bitchy computer issues under control!



  • So not fair. I heard no one, but NO ONE was allergic to rice, but it sounds like gluten-free bread will still not work for you – ACK! And all that fish you’re allowed to eat? So many people are allergic to shell fish, yet you can eat them. That’s one strange body you got there, lady. But now you know what you can eat and hopefully over time, the craving for those things will go away. At least I hope so. I hate the thought of you suffering more than you already have.  But more importantly, where can we go if I see you in September? Starbucks, I suppose?

  • Starbucks works for me!
    Seriously though, I will meet you ANYWHERE!!

    I am slowly adjusting to this ?restricted’ diet.
    My allergist said in 25 years he’s been practicing, he’s never seen a case so ?interesting.’
    Most people ARE allergic to shellfish OR milk/dairy products.
    And those are the TWO things I CAN eat.

    I am definitely “Opposite Girl”

  • Roshan

    You know I am so proud of you because of the way you always keep things with a positive outlook. I have no doubt that you will end up beingall the more better once you settle down to the foods that you can have and will enjoy them for a long time to come.

  • xoxoox

  • xoxoox

  • xoxoox

  • I second that Hell. Yes. Damn, that sounds pretty tasty Thomas. Oh yeah, Hi Meleah! I’m so glad you have specific guidelines now but that still sucks it hard. I’m very pleased to know you can drink coffee and you can eat Häagen-Dazs.

  • Me too girl.
    I’m going to be eating LOTS of Häagen-Dazs coffee flavored ice cream.

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  • Gidget

    Remember that if you are going to “accidently” eat any of these do not do so with champagne.. champagne will raise the class. I love the blood allergy tests they are so precise LOL…I once had crab before my test and with champagne and ended up with an epi shot..make sure they give you an epi shot pen.. carry it with you.. after a few years it with subside and take the test again..
    baby this is my life.. the tops on my no list are milk, bananas, shellfish, whitefish, some wheat, bulgar, radishes, and the worst are coconut and eggs.. oh the shelfish will kill me.. but i hate it anyway so why bother..coconut oil is in EVERYTHING!
    email me if you need to cry over menu placement.. xoxox

  • Thank you, Gidget.

    Also I am the OPPOSITE of you.
    The two things I am NOT allergic to are FISH and DAIRY!

    Go figure.
    My body is so weird.

    I never drink champagne. HIGHLY allergic to it.
    And I always carry my EpiPen with me 24/7.

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