DISCLAIMER:
I wrote this yesterday, before the power was restored. But, I still wanted to share this post with you, because it’s exactly how I felt at the time. And maybe others will still be able to relate to it. Also, I’m sorry this is Hurricane Sandy – Part Four instead of Hurricane Sandy – Part One.
But let’s just pretend I’m George Lucas and my story about the hurricane will be posted out of order, kind of like Star Wars.
M’kay?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hey y’all.
I know. I know.
You’re still waiting for my miniseries on Hurricane Sandy. And I promise it’s still in the works. It’s just that I am still out here in Pennsylvania because we still don’t have any power back home. And I can’t seem to find my sense of humor.
It’s been six days since the Hurricane hit.
And things still aren’t back to normal.
Maybe six days, isn’t all that many in the grand scheme of things. But for someone with all of my Weirdo Phobias and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, this has been terribly tough.
And I am REALLY struggling.
Please don’t get me wrong.
There are so many people far worse off than I am, like those who have lost everything. Including loved ones. And my whole entire heart goes out to them. I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through. And I certainly can’t wrap my head around living inside one of the Monmouth County Schools for shelter, because I can’t even handle living out of my suitcase.
And I feel like a complete asshole for what I’m about to say.
Yes, I am extremely grateful that my son and I are safe. And I am even more grateful that we have heat, and food, and water, and coffee, and Internet access, and electricity, and television, and all that jazz. And in a shocking turn of events, Louis, finally came out to play with me. He even slept on my lap while I watched a marathon of the Showtime Series: Homeland.
But there is a VERY big part of me that just wants to go home, already.
I miss everything about New Jersey, like the Pizza and the Chinese Food. But even more so, I really miss my house. I miss my things. I miss my usual surroundings. I miss my bedroom. I miss my schedule and my routine. I miss my writing setup. I miss my parents. I miss my friends. I miss my life.
And I am sofa king tired.
I haven’t been sleeping very well. This stiff and narrow sofa is pretty friggen uncomfortable. And I’m not quite as skilled as my brother. As such, I’m feeling very restless, very anxious, and very cranky. And I feel incredibly guilty for being so selfish – but I don’t know how much more I can take. Moreover, I don’t know how much more my hosts can take.
My body aches all over. My back is on fire. My limbs feel as though they are made of concrete. My eyes burn. My brain is foggy. My knees are flaring up. And my heart is heavy.
I am also having a difficult time getting much writing done. While I can still manage to squeeze out a blog post, but, I still need complete silence in order to get into the zone when it comes to working on my Novel. Therefore, I am very disappointed with my NaNoWriMo progress.
I know this all sounds so trivial. Almost even obnoxious. Especially compared to the total devastation others are facing. And I hate myself for feeling this way, much less thinking this way. But I also think I am allowed to feel some level of frustration.
Yes?
I’ve been telling myself, “At least we are not living in one of the shelters. I’m so blessed everyone in my family survived. Things could be a lot worse.” And I’ve been watching The News, with tears streaming down my cheeks, and a lump in my throat.
And that’s when I was reminded exactly how to be grateful.
Even for the simplest of things, like showers.
However, I still want to rip out my hair from the roots.
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PS: Writing that down on paper totally made me feel better.
For a much funnier recount of the events please read this.
Ah .. Meleah, I do sympathise. It’s all very well saying this is trivial compared to what some are suffering, but to you it is not trivial. We can only deal with what we have – not what other people have – to deal with. And lack of sleep is a killer – trust me, I know this from personal experience.
I do hope you get back home soon. it must also be a worry, not knowing what’s happened to your house while you’re away.
Mel, I empathize as well about having to live in transition. Not being home, not being in your own bed, not living in your own room can add to your stress/anxiety. When you are not in your comfort zone and having to live off of the kindness of family, it can drive a person, to quote one of my favorite bloggers: “bat shit crazy”. I hope that the situation improves that you can go home soon.
And I can completely understand your guilty feelings about your situation compared to others. When Ike visited us a few years ago and we were bitching about having to live without power for 10+ days, but that was a minor inconvenience compared to people who lost their entire house. The main thing is that you and your family are ok. All you can do is hang on, keep busy and look for a quiet place to collect your thoughts. Good luck.
Sometimes you just need to tell it like it is. You’re not saying your feelings are right or wrong, justified or not. You’re just admitting to feeling them. Letting them out of the bottle is just what you needed. It’s hard to be out of your comfort zone for any length of time. It’s draining. I hope things start returning to normal for you soon.
It was very difficult, Jay.
I’ve never been more stressed out in my whole life.
Thank you, Agg.
Six days is the longest we’ve ever gone without electricity and it was VERY tough for me.
I’m an anxious person on a GOOD day, so this was too much for me to deal with.
But I did feel like an asshole for feeling that way, because I DO have it much better than others.
And I am VERY lucky my house is still standing & my family is alive.
Thank you, Terri!
XOXO
You deserve a pity party, Meleah! You’ve been living through so much even BEFORE the hurricane hit.
” But I also think I am allowed to feel some level of frustration.”
Yes, you are indeed. And as Jay shared…we can only deal with what we have – not what other people have – to deal with. I think you most definitely have compassion for those who have suffered a much greater disaster from this hurricane, but that still doesn’t mean you don’t have frustrating feelings about what you have experienced from this hurricane as well. It’s all relative to what we’re experiencing.
Trust me, I remember when I lost power in my apartment building for 24 hours and had to climb 21 flights of stairs and bitching like a BANSHEE!
Sending ya a HUGE hug, Meleah…
(((((((( You )))))))
So glad to hear that your power was restored! What a relief!
X
Thank you, Paula.
I swear on all things bacon, October KICKED MY ASS.
And so did this hurricane.
XOXOXO
Thanks, Ron.
This has been REALLY frustrating for me.
But I am SOFA KING thankful to be back home, in my own bed, with my own stuff, with electricity.
((((( You )))))
X
Hey, everyone is allowed a bitch-fest when needed. As I have gotten older, I miss my house more and more when I am away from it AND with that being said I am a hellofa lot older than you…so I would be going out of my flipping mind if I was forced to leave my house against my will. Sleeping on someone’s couch in lieu of one’s own cozy bed just sucks.
I am so glad things are heading back to normal for you. Glad your family is weathering this storm business together.
Me too, Cheryl. Me too.
XOXOX
“But I also think I am allowed to feel some level of frustration.
Yes?”
ABSOLUTELY!!!! Listen, of course you have compassion for those going through their hell and it is all relative but it doesn’t mean you don’t have your hurts,frustrations and moments of hell. Do not beat yourself up for wanting to get back to your normal. BECAUSE,that is NORMAL. We crave that as humans and right now you are out of sorts.
Hang in there! Sending (((hugs)))) I wish I could send more!
I feel so sorry for you and everyone on the East Coast. I have a lot of friends in the East Village and they are all depressed and miserable. I feel guilty I moved about ten days before it hit. Do something wonderful for yourself and have a lot of drinks, you deserve it! Hang in there Meleah and I hope things get better and back to normal for you as quickly as it can. You’re welcome to come out here to Peoria any time you want!
First of all, zip it. This does not sound whiny, trivial or obnoxious in any way. (I’m not just saying that because I’m the WORST when I’m without power, either.) Just because things can always be worse doesn’t mean that they can’t suck right now, as they’re sucking for you this past week. You are aware of your blessings. You are not selfish. You are human and you want to go home.
Just take a deep breath and remember you WILL go home soon. For now, stay grateful for your heat and power and support and hang in there just a bit more!
Hugs. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be displaced like you are. Sure, you aren’t stuck in a shelter-but having to live anywhere but your own home is uncomfortable. I don’t like doing it on good terms, and I’d downright hate it if I didn’t have much other options.
Sometimes you just have to blow off some steam to release all the tension. Glad you’re back home!
XOXOXOXO
Awwww! Thank you, Marty!
What a lovely offer.
And, I’ve had MANY drinks since this disaster hit NJ.
🙂
Thank you, Abby.
Seriously.
I needed to hear that I am “allowed” to feel this way.
XOXOX
Exactly!
I am SOFA KING happy to be home.
🙂
Thank you, Cheryl.
XOXO
I have to agree with all the others. You are allowed to feel this way! It would be tough for anyone to have to be away from their home for such a long time, and I’m impressed with how well you’ve done so far! Don’t make yourself feel worse by feeling guilty for feeling this way. Hang in there! It surely can’t be too much longer!
(BTW, where are your parents staying??)
Honey, I SO get this. Several years ago we lost power during a hurricane and didn’t get it back for a week. Our house was ok.. only a few shingles gone. We had food. We had a secret way to get and share ice (that was GOLD!) and we had running water. But my undoing was cold showers and bad hair. It’s ok to feel that way!
yes we want what we want and are used to – we all get like that and sometimes forget how good we have it. i’m glad we only lost a little but still had power and heat.
My parents have been staying with my Uncle Rick. [My dads brother]
And thank you for understanding my frustrations.
XOXOXO
I will never take electricity and heat for granted ever again. That’s for sure!
So glad things are better and you are back home with all your things, your family, your friends, your favorite food & beverages, and most of all “your space”. Good or bad, nothing lasts forever.
SOFA KING HAPPY!!
XOXOXO
It’s only natural to feel what you are feeling. And you’ll get all your things back soon xxx
I’m so glad all is well all again.
I actually can relate more than you might think. I think you know my son shares certain physical and emotional characteristics with you and I can tell you there is no freakin’ way in hell he could handle your situation. When we’ve been evacuated because of wild fires in last few years, he wouldn’t leave the house. So (particularly knowing how this NaBloPoMo thing came out), you were amazing. You just didn’t know it at this point.
Awww…. Thank you!
XOXO