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Have You Ever – Volume Nine – The Quitter Edition

 

Have you ever tried really, really, really hard – and repeatedly – to make yourself feel better, but nothing seems to work? And no matter what you do, or how you do it, you just keep on getting sick, and you just keep on getting sicker, and you keep having flare ups, and you keep having even more flare ups. And some of those flare ups are really, really, scary. And some of those flare ups are really, really painful.

And because there’s nothing you can do to prevent those flare ups, thanks to extensive autoimmune issues, and because there’s nothing you can do to prevent from getting sick, you start to feel really, really, frustrated. And that frustration turns into anger. And that anger turns into rage. And that rage leads to a very dark depression. And that kind of depression makes you withdraw from the world. And then you feel really, really lonely.

And even though your family and friends are totally super supportive, and they want to be there for you – except that you don’t really want to socialize, because all you have to talk about are your medical problems, and side effects from medications, and the cost of prescriptions, or how many doctor appointments you have in one week. And that makes for some pretty lousy conversation, especially when you’re not 85 years old.

But what REALLY makes you THE MOST MAD is when you cook a special meal for your family, and you don’t eat any of it, not even ONE BITE, specifically to AVOID any kind of allergic reaction or flare up – only to wake up the next morning with a fat, swollen, puffy lip ANYWAY.  So when people ask questions like, “What did you eat?” basically insinuating you caused your own flare up, that just makes you want to stab them, in the throat, with unsharpened rusty scissors.

And you’re terrified – every single day – riddled with anxiety, because you never know what’s going to set off the next attack, or how bad the next attack will be, or how long the next attack will last, or who will be available to drive you to the Emergency Room when the next attack becomes life threatening.  So you walk around in a perpetual state of panic. And distress. And worry. And misery.

And you’re exhausted, simply from being trying to ‘positive’ for everyone else, all of the time. And you’re sick of of these rules and restrictions affecting the quality of your life – like avoiding certain foods, or not going to the movie theater because of your compromised immune system – because even when you follow all of those rules and restrictions, you still wind up in the hospital. Which just makes you want to give up, altogether. And you’re so fucking tired you can’t even muster up the strength to brush the mold off your teeth.

So you stop writing. And blogging. And reading. And commenting. And tweeting. And participating. And you just hideout, under the covers, watching television, while ‘suffering in silence’ because someone once told you there’s a type of dignity in keeping these kinds of problems to yourself.

Except that suffering in silence, only makes you feel even worse, because you really need to scream on the top of your lungs – and cry uncontrollably – to anyone willing to listen.

Because, seriously?

This shit just isn’t fucking fair.

 

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  • I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART.

    Thank you, Nicky.

    Thank you.

  • Ha! Awww!! Thanks, Katherine.

    I am slowly coming out of my blanket cave, little by little, day by day.
    Next week, I will totally be around on Monday night to host The Bachelor Bash ­ so we can watch TV together! That shit cheers me right the hell up.
    And I am SUPER glad I reached out.

    xoxo

  • None of it is fair! I admire you and your determination more than you will ever know!

  • Thank you, Amy.

    xoxo

  • P. Smith

    I had an appointment and I had to pick up one of my daughters or I would have tried to ask you sooner. It’s true you are a virtual stranger so I’m going to beg that you delete my email permanently if you haven’t already done it. I’m feeling pretty embarrassed. I also never meant to say prednisone was bad because it isn’t. I could take it now and it would help like it always has. It’s only the cumulative amounts. I won’t bother you again and I will never do this again.. Just please, delete it. thank you

  • Oh sweetheart.. I’m so sorry life keeps mistreating you like this. I truly wish I could make it all better. All I can say is that if anyone insinuates you caused your own flareups, kick their damn ass. And we’re here for you, always. xoxox

  • MalisaHargrove

    Well, crapola, Meleah. Now I feel guilty for guilting you about not writing. 🙁 But doesn’t it help a bit to put it all out there? Doesn’t it help to know that you have friends who love you and are here to support you? I don’t care if you whine or rant. You deserve to do both of those things. Your life must be so frustrating in ways that I don’t understand. However, my life is miserable in other ways. I know what desperation feels like. I know disappointment. I’m here to listen anytime you need someone. Let it out, girlfriend!

  • You are so right, my Sweet, it isn’t fucking fair. Don’t give up home, Meleah. Something, sometime, is going to work and things will get better. Honey, you have to just keep plugging along. I wish that I could do something for you, but I’m at a loss to know what. If there’s something you need that I could give you, just tell me. I love you little sister.

  • Um. Okay.

  • Thank you, darling Ziva!

    xoxox

  • “doesn’t it help a bit to put it all out there? Doesn’t it help to know that you have friends who love you and are here to support you”

    — Yes. Very much. And I am SUPER grateful for all of you.
    Seriously.

    Thank you so much, Malisa.

    🙂

  • Awwww… I love you so much too, big sis.

    I don’t need anything ­ just your love & support. That’s plenty for this girl!

  • Shae

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Its absolutely unfair how our bodies work. I wish there was a miracle cure.

  • Thank you, Shae. I’m wishing for a miracle too.

    🙂

  • ladyV

    i personally will never know what you’re going through but from what i do know, it sucks. i don’t know how you manage to stay so positive at times, smile and wish everyone a great day. i really wish someone, anyone could help you, this just isn’t fair at all. don’t know what to say or do mel, but i’m always here to listen, even if you want to complain or scream. at least doing that makes could make you feel better, if not cure you. if i had a wish, i’d give it to you. forget world peace.

  • KZ

    I can’t say I’ve been exactly where you’ve been, but I think you articulated the frustration of your situation perfectly. Here’s hoping you get well soon. You may try all you like to suffer in silence, but judging by the comments for this post, I think it’s safe to say that you are not suffering alone.

  • Awwwwww! Val!!!

    I love you. Thank you my friend.

  • Thank you, KZ.

    Thank goodness for my friends. Otherwise, I might have driven into oncoming traffic by now.

  • Oh crap 🙁 Hope you’re feeling better.

  • Thanks, Mike.

  • Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo

    I love you. x

  • Thank you, woman.

    XOXO

  • Pingback:   Medical Madness – Food Allergies and Autoimmune Issues — Momma Mia, Mea Culpa()

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