Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

I have been alone, as in painfully single (not even out on one real date) for over a year.

I have been pretty great with being alone. Happy even. It’s been nice with no one else demanding, wanting or needing things from me. It’s been positively agreeable that a man in my life could become a major distraction from reaching my goals.

The best part(s) of being this single, besides not having to shave my legs, or having to get dressed up, or go through the god awful uncomfortable first date silence, has been the sheer freedom; to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and not answering to, or considering anyone else’s needs or feelings. It’s one less person to clean up after. It’s one less load of laundry, and I never ever have to share the remote or fake interest in sporting events.

Except that sometimes, it’s not always super awesome to be lonely.

I don’t know if it’s the dreary rain, the dismal overcast, or the fact that I have been caged in my house for too many days in.a.row. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t had any interaction with a single real live, walking, talking, tangible human being in over a week. But, today, I am lonely. Alone. Disconnected. Isolated. Not alone in that depressed ‘whoa is me, feel sorry for myself, or having a pity party’ kind of way.

I am simply lonely. And long to be touched.

Someone once said to me, “Loneliness makes us do some really f*cked up shit. It also blinds us to what we have and who we are. And don’t settle for someone just because you feel that emptiness in the pit of your stomach.”

I get that. And I won’t.

That is WHY I have been single, happily, for over a year. I refuse to settle.

Maybe it’s the men I have dated in the past, maybe it’s me, but all of my past relationships have been filled with nothing more than co-dependence and a whole lot of berating on both ends. I am not prepared, or willing to go through that kind of drama filled disaster again.

But sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend again. Maybe even a boyfriend that I liked.

Now, I am not running out to join Match (again) or using any other online dating service.

(In the past, I’ve had nothing bad experiences, which would make for some great ‘Lifetime Movie’ of the week.)

I am also not really in a position to go out to bars, or wherever it is that people go to meet other people, to find that ’special’ person. And let’s face it; even if I was considering going back “out there” am I really ready or prepared to be in a relationship?

Hypothetically, if I were to go back to using an online dating service, and I was going to be completely honest on my profile page, it would probably read a little something like this:

Hello. My name is Meleah. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to cleanliness. When I am nervous I twirl my hair uncontrollably. I have been called a megalomaniac from time to time. And yes, I have delusional dreams of grandeur that one day I will become a full-time writer.

I am self-absorbed and very selfish. I don’t like to share. Anything. No. You cannot have a bite, or a taste of my desert. Please don’t touch my things. And, if on the off chance you ever make it to my bed, bring your own pillows and blankets.

My idea of ‘cooking’ comes from whoever will deliver from the yellow pages. I drive too fast. And I am loud.

I will make various unreasonable demands. I can be insanely jealous. I tend to be a control freak. And oh yeah, I am a bitch.

I may be a good person, but I am not always a nice person.

Any takers? I didn’t think so.

Okay, maybe I am not that bad…but I am no picnic. I don’t even like picnics. Nor am I a day at the beach. I don’t even like the beach.

I certainly do not think that a decent respectable man deserves to be treated that way. Not. even. a. little. I am basing that ‘profile’ on some of my past behaviors (and mistakes) in old relationships. I don’t expect anyone to put up with or deal with the way I am. Until I can figure out how to change some of my own shortcomings, that’s why I am alone. I would not subject any unsuspecting individual to the steaming hot bowl of crazy I can be some days.

But today, is one of the few days, when I really wish I did have some one in my life. Someone to simply lay with me, laugh me with, hold me, joke with me, watch a funny movie…

Maybe even order in dinner.

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