That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for the last few days.
After much thought, and after much angst, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement:
“When two people love one another, when is enough enough?”
The answer is simple for me: “Never.”
-The Mexican (2001) starring: Brad Pitt & Julia Roberts.
I am still not completely ready, willing, or able – to stop believing – that ONE DAY Sonny and I will get back together and find the perfect resolution. And while it might be a dangerous thing for me to cling tenaciously to this kind of endless hope, I refuse to let go of the cliché’ ‘True Love Conquers All’, because believing in that, is the only thing that works for me right now. I don’t know what lies ahead in the future. So, for once in my life, I’d rather consider the best of possibilities and not imagine the worst case scenarios.
Sadly, I’ve also come to the conclusion; there will never be enough tears to heal the damage in my broken heart. I have been grieving like a devastated widow and I’m pretty sure everyone is sick of watching me mope around wearing his shirt. So, instead of spending the rest of my life in utter misery, I have to find a way to pull myself together. I have to get out of my bed. I have to take a shower. I have to get dressed in real clothes. And I have to take care of my child.
I know that I am probably going to be crying on the inside for a very long time, and I simply have to accept that only time will eventually lesson these sharp pains in my chest. [See, I listen to all of you!] And, in the meantime, I am going to take some of your advice.
It has been suggested that I attempt to ‘fake’ being happy [or some resemblance of happy] until I actually feel better again. And that’s exactly what I am going to do. In order for me to ‘Fake It – Until I Make It’, I am going to do all of the things I used to do, before Sonny entered my life. I need to start reading, writing, blogging, and commenting on a regular basis again. I need to surround myself with loved ones because there is nothing as wonderful as hanging out with my totally super amazing family and friends.
And, hopefully, I will find my way back to funny sooner than later.
I think if I start ‘Acting-As-If’ right now, I will be able to deliver an ‘Oscar-Worthy-Performance’ by the time my fathers birthday rolls around on Christmas Eve. I would sincerely hate to ruin that glorious family event for everyone. I think if I take enough xanax, dress up in my finest clothes, and snap a million photos, I’ll be just fine that day. [At least, on the outside.]
Also, after much consideration, I have resolved to stop talking about Sonny, or my feelings surrounding him – publicly on my blog. For now.
[Rest assured, this action will not preclude me from sending private emails. Because honestly, taking with all of YOU really does HELP.]
While my blog has always been an excellent place for me to vent, and never in my life have I received such an outpouring of support, this ‘Debbie Downer’ crap needs to stop.
PS:
I cannot even begin to THANK all of YOU for your words of wisdom, comments, advice, emails, text messages, Facebook messages, and continued love and support. Ya’ll will never know just how much your friendships sustained me through this whole ordeal.
Oh, wait.
Just one last thing.
I don’t know if it’s ‘That Time Of Year’, or if it’s because I am just more susceptible than usual, but, if I have to see one more commercial for engagement rings [or any form of jewelry that represents all things love] I am going to scream on the top of my lungs, and possibly shank whomever is sitting next to me. Okaythanksbye.
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