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Devastation Nation

I have been in a perpetual state of SHOCK since my break up. I have begrudgingly gone through the motions of my life over this past weekend – unable to feel ANYTHING. And now, I am afraid to let myself cry. I am terrified that if I give in to this kind of pain, I might not be able to handle it.

I know I won’t be able to run away or hide from my feelings with outside distractions forever. I also know I am going to have to deal with this eventually. But I am also afraid that if I really breakdown, and I really let myself cry, it will make the breakup way too REAL. And, final.

I am not completely ready to accept that it is over. I keep thinking there WILL be a way to work through what happened. I keep praying there WILL be away for Sonny and I to get back together. But certain lines have been crossed. And I don’t know how, or if , it will ever be possible for us to come back from the damage that has been done.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t write. And, I certainly can’t listen to the radio or any music, because everything reminds me of him. I can’t even seem to focus long enough to watch Television without my mind wandering back to him.  It is taking everything I have to muster up the words for this blogpost.

I’ve spent the better part of my time this weekend, replaying every single moment I spent with him over the last three months. And while yes, there were warning signs and red flags, I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful it felt to be inside the warmth of his arms, and about all of the AMAZING times we’ve shared together. All I can think about is the smell of his skin, the taste of his kiss, and the way we fit together so perfectly. And I miss him so much it’s killing me.

I believed with my WHOLE HEART that he was THE ONE. I felt like we were ‘Made For Each Other’ with every fiber of my being. I truly saw myself MARRYING him one day and I planned on spending the rest of my life with him.

I am sitting here shaken to my very core – at the mere thought of letting go of him. The idea that I might never see him again is more painful than I ever imagined. And even though my mother dragged me out of bed and took me to The Apple Store to buy the new Macbook Pro, NOTHING can fill the huge, gaping, painful void, inside of my broken heart.

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This entry was written by Meleah and posted on December 14, 2009 at 12:49 pm and filed under Dating, Drama Drama, Love. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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  • Oh, wow. I'm so sorry, and I do know how you feel. I realize I'm a month late on this, and have no idea if you've patched things up or what, but just know that even if it takes some time, you WILL get over it. No, you won't NEVER think of him again, and yes, you may check in on him from time to time (damned internet). I went through something like this a year ago, and I still haven't entertained the idea of dating anyone seriously yet. Loss is loss, and there is a process to dealing with it and letting it go. There are times I want to still call him, but I don't, because it wouldn't be good for me to do that, and besides, he's moved on. I think that's when my healing process really began. He found someone new, and I had to let go of him forever. It wasn't as hard as I anticipated... but he was the type to try to hang on to whatever little thread there might be, calling it a "friendship". I finally realized that I don't allow my friends to treat me so casually, nor shabbily, and told him to stop calling me and emailing me. Once he did, it was easier not to think about him at all.

    I hope you are feeling better about all of this now. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
  • Oh sweetie, hang in there. Don't dwell too much on what you did. It will only hurt more. You''re a sweet woman, you'll be ok. We're here for you.
  • HUGS
  • I hear you. This is just sucks Meleah. But it sounds to me like you had to do this and in the long run, you will be better off. The right one is out there. The distraction will linger for awhile but you are a strong woman and will fight it off, coming back better than ever.
  • I forced myself to get out of bed, and out of the house a few times now, but even those distractions weren't enough to ease this kind of pain. I know I am supposed to be 'faking it' until I 'make it' and I really AM doing the best I can. But, this is not something I can just get over.
  • BK
    "Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies." - Ann Landers. You will feel better as soon as you are ready to let go. I wish for you the strength and courage to move on.
  • I am REALLY struggling with the IDEA of letting go. I am beside myself. I am miserable, and more depressed than I've ever been in my WHOLE life.
  • SoLow
    Wow. I didn't see this coming any more than anyone else on here did. I won't ask because you obviously don't want to tell, but I can't help but wonder what happened to turn things around so fast. Do this for me please - at least tell me that it didn't involve any physical abuse... Because if it did I might volunteer to carry out Mooooooog's idea...

    Big hug for you sweetie. Hang in there...
  • I cant even begin to tell you what happened ONLINE, but please check your email. And thanks for being HERE for me.
  • rjlight
    So sorry, Meleah. I have been away for awhile and missed the whole relationship. I am so sorry your heart is broken. Hope it works out better than you can imagine...
  • thanks. This? Is brutal.
  • The Real Mother Hen
    You life will be better regardless how you feel today. It will be better. Period.
    Your mom took you to buy a new Mac? Oh how awesome!!! Everyone cares for you Meleah.
  • I miss you so much RMH! When are you coming back to the land of blogging??
  • Oh, hon. I'm so, so sorry. I'll totally shank him for you if need be. Just say the word...
  • thanks girl, I know YOU would do that!
  • I'm SO sorry you're going through this. I don't even "know" you, but I feel for you. You seem like good people and good people shouldn't hurt like that. I remember all too well how it feels - I don't know what you've been through but I can remember the heartbreak; it's always the same - seering pain in your chest, not wanting to go to sleep because you'll have to wake up and realize your dreams weren't real, it really DID happen...ugh. Again - I'm soooo sorry, but I PROMISE that you will get through this. Absolutely promise. And you will end up where you're supposed to be. I know that's so cliche and overdone, but I absolutely believe it. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
  • Thank you Ms. Terri. Seriously.
  • slyde
    i'm so sorry to hear about this....... and it couldnt happen at a worse time of year, most likely.

    just try to take it day by day.. i know that sounds like bulshit, but its sound advice...
  • Thank you.
  • I say go with The Girl to Philly. A change of scenery is definitely what you need. Take pictures, have a cheesesteak sandwich, see some sights, have some drinks and start the next chapter of your life. I know it's easier said than done, but getting away from everything might help your perspective.
  • I definitely need to get out of the house. That's for sure. If all I can do is make it to the Country Club by my house by tomorrow, that will be a miracle.
  • Oh honey, I'm soooooo soooo sorry. Whatever I can do just ask. If you want to get away, why don't you come spend a long weekend with me. I'll take you into to Philly and give you a different change of scenery. Love Ya and thinking about you XXXOO
  • Girl, I might really take you up on that offer. I think getting AWAY might
    really do me some good. Sitting in my bedroom, staring at his photos and
    replaying the last three months in my head, sure isn't healing this broken
    heart.
  • Vent on the blog. Vent to your friends. Just get all your emotions out there. Breakups don't fix themselves over night. I know this is a jarring experience for you. What ever happens next will be. Just don't beat yourself up about it. You still have life to live, and a lot of it ahead of you.
  • Well, I am very lucky to have such a large network of people to support me
    and help me through this. I've been crying nonstop, bed-ridden, and sleeping
    with his shirt. I'm sure that sounds PATHETIC. I thought time was supposed
    to make me feel better, so I don't understand why I feel WORSE every day.
  • It hasn't been that long. It is still fresh. The healing process takes much longer. The duration varies depending on the intensity of the relationship. Right now, this is all still fresh. At some point the smell of him in that shirt will disappear and it will need to be washed from the tears and snot. At that time, the healing process will begin. It seem far off from now, but it will happen. You'll be stronger for it. Hang in there. Keep your head up. Keep on keeping on.

    Don't beat yourself up.
  • "The duration varies depending on the intensity of the relationship." Then I am going to be MISERABLE for at least a YEAR. I got out of bed and washed my face and brushed my teeth today, but I still can't take off his shirt. It sill smells like him. And it makes me feel like I am in his arms. I know this is probably NOT healthy. And I know at some point I am going to have to wash his shirt, and take a shower, and get out of my house. But not today.
  • I feel you...and I admire you for being able to write about it!
  • Thanks girl.
  • Personally speaking, I would ask Sonny to meet you somewhere and discuss if this is over and why. I know it's a tough thing to do, but if it is over, you need closure. If it is over, try to force yourself into doing things that will take your mind off of it. Hang in there Meleah, you never know what tomorrow will bring you.
  • I need closure so, I am in the middle of writing him a letter. Of course that is making me CRY even MORE. But I do know WHY this happened, and at this point Im not sure trying to talk to him will do any good. I hope you check your emails because I sent you something.
  • BethR
    no words....
  • I was speechless for three days after the shit hit the fan, and I am still at a loss for words!
  • Ned
    Look, I hate to be a nag, but I have to say that I (and I bet quite a few others) am wondering how this thing went from perfect to finished in such a short time. Is there any way you can share with us any of the reasons for all this? "Certain lines were crossed" just raises more questions.

    I'm sorry to pry like this, especially at a time when you need support rather than demands. I just can't help but share what's really on my mind here. I also know that the problem with blogs is that they're public, and you have no real privacy. This is one of the reasons why I ended mine. So what I'm saying is that I won't take any offense if you ignore this request.
  • I will send YOU a private email.
  • Maybe something better is waiting around the corner!
  • I can promise you that after I get through this, I will not even consider dating again until 2011. Or maybe later
  • moooooog35
    Do you need a bunch of us guys to, like, take him out?

    We'd do that for you, you know.

    Well, not ME personally..but I'm sure somebody on here would.

    You might want to let them know.

    Hoping you're better.
  • Thanks Mooooooooooooog
  • agg79
    My heart pours out for you. I know that it hurts way too much too much and your world is upside down right now, but you are stronger than you picture yourself and you will make it past this. I agree with several of your posse here that writing about it, although painful, is a good way of dealing with the pain/loss. The fact that that you can talk/write about is good. I only hope that you are surviving this and know that you have people out here who love and care for you. Please take care.
  • Thank you Agg. Ive been crying non-stop, I finally allowed myself to feel THIS, and now I cant STOP crying.
  • Breathe, Melz. :) xoxo
  • thank you for calling me tonight. I needed to hear your voice. I love you. xoxo
  • Love you too, Melz - staying strong like we talked about I hope :)
  • Yes. I didn't have a single moment of weakness today. Instead I wrote a letter that I will probably NEVER mail, just to make myself feel better. Of course, I sobbed the entire time I was typing it. And I have such a headache from crying so hard for so many hours in a row. At least all that crying has drained the life out of me, so maybe I will finally sleep tonight when I collapse from exhaustion!
  • There is nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I so agree with what silverneurotic said. There was a reason why your move date was delayed, and it looks like this was it. I have a feeling that this will be your last big mountain to climb and your life will start to level out. You WILL find the happiness you are looking for.
  • Oh Babs, I REALLY hope so. I really do, but right now? I realy MISS the way I felt when he held me in his arms all night long.
  • nickphillips
    I could write so many words of comfort here but I know it will never be enough to ease the pain.

    Love is funny thing, when it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it hurts like shit!

    Hang in there, you're a tough woman and I know you'll get through this. Take care.
  • Thanks Nick. I dont think I will EVER get over this.
  • Sweetheart,
    I don't know if you remember, but I was in your shoes in October. I even had a diamond on my finger. I was FINALLY sure...then it blew up in my face. I thought the pain would kill me. I did start crying and didn't stop for days. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so dead inside. But it will get better, I PROMISE. I just hate that you are going through this, I hate it that you have to hurt. I hate knowing that disappointment that "this can't be happening" feeling, that "can't I just hit rewind?????" I care about you and am thinking of you. There's no way around the pain, only through it. And as with all the other challenges in your life...in the long run this will make you stronger and therefore even more special (if that's possible!). Love you!
  • Oh Barbara, I do remember when you went through this. I'm so sorry for YOUR LOSS. I keep wishing the same things you wrote in your comment. I am finally beginning to allow myself to feel, and THIS FUCKING HURTS SO BAD I cant even breathe!!!!!!!!
  • skipper
    Nothing I can say or do will make it go away. Just know that I love you and am sending you all kinds of hugs. Relationships suck and the hardest thing I have ever done....
  • Beth, I am soooooo SAD. I don't think I have ever been THIS SAD in my WHOLE LIFE.

    [PS: Are you blogging again? I don't see a link in your name over here, and I haven't seen you on facebook. Would it be alright if I reached out to you via email?]
  • skipper
    Please do - I would love to hear from you. I am a little overwhelmed with the new job yet, but eventually will get back to blogging....
  • Okay. Great. You always have such wise words for me, and I could use all of the advice I can get my hands on.
  • silverneurotic
    *Hugs*

    Things are really bad right now and it's important to give yourself that time to grieve and cry (trust me, crying would be a GOOD thing). But, until you get closure-it'll be really hard to completely heal.

    Give Sonny a time limit, if he doesn't contact you in a week or two weeks-contact him. Talk things out while the two of you are calm. Decide then if it's completely over or if you need a break from one another. From your blog/facebook I know the two of you have gone through a lot of stressors in the last few months and it no doubt was one of the biggest reasons for the fight.

    If Sonny is the person you are meant to be with-he will come back. He will apologize and he will do everything he can to make it right. If that doesn't happen, well, it was good that things ended before you moved in together and before you got even more involved in each others lives.
  • Nik:
    I am ALMOST ready to cry, I just know once I start, I am not going to be able to stop.
    Thank you for those great words of advice. I really needed to hear that.
  • cmk
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
  • I am a complete disaster right now. I think I am finally going to cry....................
  • No words can take away the pain but know that you have incredible support and love all around you!
  • thank you.
  • Awwwww Meleah sweetie - I am soooo sorry!!!...there is no easy answer, no quick fix...it just sucks and hurts...all I can say is everything really does happen for a reason, and tho' the reason may not be known now, have faith that in time, all will be revealed.... AND I believe even better things are in store for you... in fact, I KNOW it. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!! {{{{{{{{{{hugs & xoxoxoxox}}}}}}}}}
  • Thanks Shawn. I just really can't handle this. It's almost like I don't remember my life before him, and I really cannot imagine my life going forward without him. I don't even know what to do with myself.
  • I wish there was something wise I could say that would take away all the pain, but it doesn't work like that. With time, the pain will fade and you'll move on with your life. Just know that you're not alone.
  • Thank you Internet Father 2.0
  • I am so sad to read this. Your heart must be broken. I don't understand why Sonny would want to leave you - you are one in a million. Sending you all my love XXXX
  • Well, Sonny didn't leave me, and I didn't exactly leave him. There was no official 'breakup', I am FAR from finding and/or having any kind of official closure at this point. But, WITHOUT saying what happened, I will tell you that a few different incidents occurred over the last month, and all of those things combined led up to one big huge falling out. Sonny has not tried to contact me [nor have I tried to contact him] since the sh*t hit the fan very late on Thursday Night and well into Friday. All I know is that I am a TOTAL MESS.
  • Meleah, the fact that you are even thinking of whether you want to deal with all of this means you are aware of so many things. Being aware sucks, but you will deal with all of it when you are ready. take your time and do what is good for you. Much love and snurgles coming from Iowa...
  • I wish I could STAY in DENIAL forever!
  • Sweetie, this hurts and sucks right now and it might for a bit to come, but you will make it through this and learn from it too. I know you will...look at how much you've come through already.

    XOXO
  • Im just tired of 'going through' and 'getting through' stuff! I don't want to learn how to be stronger anymore! Im sooo sick of 'life-lessons' - can't I just get a BREAK already?
  • Oh, Meleah! My heart is breaking for you. I am fighting tears reading your heartbroken words. I do hope that wherever this road leads you, it brings you back to happiness. You are so deseving of it. Hang in there, girl. We love you. xoxo
  • Thanks Terri. I love you too.
  • Thinking of you. I am sorry.
  • Thanks Dan. It's nice to *see* you again.
  • I'm glad you are writing about it. That's a good sign. You are already on the road to healing and you don't even realize it.

    Whatever happens Meleah, you WILL have to break down and let it out. It is the only way you can move on. I hate it when a friend is hurting. I wish I could take the pain away. But there is a reason why this is happening and you will look back someday and see why. Just take it day by day, minute by minute, second by second...and you'll get there.

    Hugs to you!!!!
    XOXOXOXO
  • Thank you
  • Better days are ahead of you Meleah. That is how I always see it that after a dark moment there is always light.
  • I sure do hope so.
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