Working In The Apple Store?

I love All Things Apple. As I have mentioned before, I cannot seem to leave The Apple Store without spending an incredible amount of money. By the time all is said and paid for, I am faced with only two options to avoid total bankruptcy. Selling my functional organs on craigslist. Or. Selling my ovarian eggs on eBay.

 

I love The Apple Store so much that I have begun to imagine my life and how great it might be if I were to quit working in an office and go to work for Macintosh, inside my very own local Apple Store.

 

[I’d like to think almost anywhere would be better than working in THIS cubical.]

 

So, I am going to write this post including all of the pros and cons before I decide weather or not I am really going to put in for that job application.

 

First, let’s consider some of the benefits. Shall we?

 

Number One has to be ‘The Employee Discount’. [Hello!] The Discount alone is a ‘just cause’ and legitimate reason when deciding to take a job, any job at The Apple Store. Even if you have to take the last position available as ‘The Only 110 Pound Tiny But Sweaty Female Stock Room Clerk.’

 

[Side bar: I have no idea why in my own daydreaming fantasy-fake-job at the apple store I am hired to work in the stock room?]

 

I do know that I would get down and dirty with a certain ‘happy little kicks dance’ every single time I was able to use my 10-15% Employee Discount. Plus, I’d be able to turn towards the other non-employee customers standing in line paying full price and get to say “Boo-Ya” while flaunting my receipt.

 

Next, you throw in all of that free Apple/Mac knowledge I stand to gain and now we are talking about a very sweet education, not just employment opportunities. I can only imagine the sheer awesomeness learning hands how to master every single Apple product and software application with true perfection. I would spend most of, if not all of my time, hovering around the ‘Genius Bar’ harassing the co-workers with questions I’ve prepared on flash cards and eavesdropping for any tips, tricks, or shortcuts.

 

[Side bar: That is unless of course, I am too busy unloading that new shipment of shiny sleek packages off the back of the delivery truck in the stock room. Then I will be banking on the concept that I could learn everything about Mac and all of its operating systems via osmosis from touching the cardboard boxes filled with iMacs and iPhones galore.]

 

On a more serious note, another added bonus to obtaining employment at my local Apple Store? A genuine tangible bonus? The Apple Store closest to me is located 0.05 miles away from my house. Do you know what that means?

 

My commute would never be the same. In fact, my commute would be over.

 

Instead of dealing with the typical horrid stress inducing panic attack giving shoulder riding bust a move until I black out behind the wheel, traveling a one hour, each way, every day, five days a week. I would be blessed with a mere 20-minute commute. Total. [As in ‘Round Trip’.] Even if there was a massive traffic producing accident and even if I caught all of the red lights, I would still make it home in 10.

 

The fact that I would never have to travel on the NJTPK again, has filled me with a special ‘Double My Pleasure’ effect. (The same special feeling we all received back in the day when Mint and Twins were all the rage.)

 

Pleasure Number One?

The ultimate savings on the cost of gasoline! I have no idea how many miles per gallon my little go-no-where-fast-2 & ½ Cylinder Hyundai manages to suck up, but I am positive I could last two solid weeks on a single tank of gas. Then I could use all of those spare nickels rolling around on my car floor to buy more Apple Products with my Employee Discount. (Oh, c’mon now this is all really coming together for me!)

 

And lest not forget to mention The Best News yet.

 

Pleasure Number Two?

Only freeing up two solid hours of my life and giving me the gift of time to do what I’d rather be doing. Such as focusing all my efforts on writing something of substance.

 

*Because I wont be wasting all of that time or money on gasoline and driving.

 

Did I happen to mention that driving less, using less fuel, and giving off less pollution into the already heavily contaminated air is better for our environment. (Or something like that.) See, I am really just trying to ‘do my part’ to live in an eco-friendly world. That’s what I like to call, “A Win–Win Situation.” Right?

Another favorite feature about possibly being employed at my imaginary job in The Apple Store? Never having to wear this restrictive ‘Office Attire’ again.

 

[Side bar: While I will never be fully satisfied with any dress code (unless that dress code consists of sweat pants and pajamas) lighting all of my office pantyhose on fire, while dancing around the blazing glory and shouting ‘I Am Free From The Land Of Cubical Dwellers’ would be totally-super-awesome.]

 

Although this next statement comes grossly premature, I’ve begun to embrace these fantasy ideas as possible realities. Lets re-cap:

 

* Employee Discounts

* A Free Apple / Mac Products, Software, and Application Education

* Saving Money on Gas While Saving The Environment

* Having More Time To Do The Things That Really Matter To Me

* Comfortable Clothing

 

 

Are you feeling this as much as I am people (MOM)?

 

Of course, with all good things there must be some downsides to my imaginary job at The Apple Store.

 

First of all, I am ill equipped to deal with the general public to say the least. It would simply take that first customer to speak to me in a sideways manner and I’d have to go all Naomi Campbell on them. Which, in turn, would land me handcuffed, fired, and possibly banned from all Airlines.

 

Secondly, I have gotten very used to being seated in a chair for 8 hours in a row, over the last 6 years. I don’t know if I could stand upright for even one hour in a row. My legs are a far cry from what they used to be. I fear that I may buckle at the kneecaps after only standing for several moments causing me to collapse suddenly and or unexpectedly. Which may then lead to filing a class act workers compensation claim, wherein all that damned insurance information and paperwork would come flooding back into my life. And that is what I am trying to get away from.

 

Third, Having To Working Weekends. Now that is a tough one to swallow. I have so many fun-filled-family-functions I would miss out on attending if I had to go back to working on weekends. Who else in my family would take on the responsibility to preserve, store, write, and archive all of our precious family moments? No. One. I have come to take my duties as ‘the family historian’ very seriously.

 

Fourth, No Paid Holiday /Sick or Vacation Time Off. In the land of Retail, “Holiday Weekends” are not equivalent to a day off. Nope. The Retail definition of a “Holiday Weekend” means you will be working and longer hours in the store. And that would blow chunks.

 

Fifth, Working Evenings. While it’s a well known fact I have always been and will always be a night person, I am not sure I am really down with the idea of ‘counting out the register’ at 10pm closing time when there are one too many good television shows on at that hour. Although, if I was working the later shift, I wouldn’t have to get up in the morning until at least 10am. And THAT would rule.

 

Let’s recap the Cons:

* The General Public

* Possible Workers Compensation Claims and/or Injury

* Working Weekends

* No Paid Holiday / Vacation / Or Sick Time Off

* Working Nights

 

Damn. It.

 

This post was supposed to help me decide if applying for a job at The Apple Store was worth it or not. Now I can’t choose when I have a perfect tie. The Pros scored nicely with 5 Good Reasons vs. The Cons scoring just as nicely with 5 Bad Reasons.

 

Now what?

 

What do ya’ll think? Should I bag my office/insurance career? Or do I stick it out within the confines of my all too familiar cubical?