Even after all that I experienced last week, I decided to go ahead and be brave. I agreed to yet another ‘favor’ that involved cleaning for Nightingale. However, this time around, I was wise enough to implement a few of my own terms and conditions.
Aside from getting up in the morning at a more reasonable hour, my other ‘condition’ was that I could not be held responsible for driving anyone.
Thankfully, Nightingale had previously made arrangements with Rommie and Claudia with respects to transportation. And, I would not have to confront that perpetual case of gephyrophobia.
[Thank you Agg79 for proving me with the proper Medical Terminology.]
Anyway. Like I was saying, I left my house at 8am, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited over the prospect that four girls would be cleaning together, complete with a Spanish to English translator. Thankfully, Nightingale is fluently bi-lingual and she would be joining us for the duration of the day.
The first stop on the cleaning list was none other than the Country Club located within my own complex. Also known as KHCC. Ah yes, KHCC is my home away from home and my secondary sanctuary. It was the first time in the history of the world that I arrived in the building before Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked].
I walked through the doors with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I was actually looking forward to cleaning the very place I spend so much time creating sentences.
As I greeted Nightingale, Claudia, and good ole’ Rommie, I was nominated ‘Deputy Of Vacuuming’ all 6,000 square feet that is the golf club embroidered carpeting.
Armed with an orange colored industrial sized vacuum, I took charge of the clubhouse.
And that’s when I ran into my first issue.
Popcorn.
And. Lots of it.
Everywhere.
In. Every Corner.
In. Every. Crevice.
And, in every square inch of space, underneath the bar.
Let me tell you a few secrets about popcorn.
First of all, popcorn is painful. Any kernels on the floor will refuse to get sucked up by the vacuum cleaner. Instead, these tiny yellow balls will ricochet from the machine, and much like the pellets from a BB-Gun, shoot whatever bare skin is exposed until you are covered in welts.
Secondly, popcorn is highly aerodynamic. That stuff is so light and fluffy it can sail through the atmosphere, at incredible speeds. Especially, when someone tries to remove it. Whatever popcorn was not picked up by the vacuum cleaner on the first pass? Will fly wildly out of control, until landing directly right back on the carpet that was already vacuumed.
Lastly, popcorn is sneaky. Just when you think it’s all gone, you will discover minuscule pieces were hiding in the treads of your sneakers. And apparently, that’s where they multiply. As they escape from the soles of your shoes, they will deposit white speckles everywhere you vacuumed beforehand.
Seriously. Popcorn is the herpes of all snack foods. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
How do I know all of this?
Because that is exactly what happened to me as I tried to confine, contain, and eliminate the popcorn from the floors of KHCC. I could have lost an eye people. I could have lost an eye. I will never be able to look at popcorn the same. I hate popcorn.
While I am glad the members of KHCC enjoy free baskets of buttery salty goodness, I really wouldn’t mind if the popcorn machine suddenly, and mysteriously, broke down and was rendered useless. I would sincerely appreciate it if they would stop serving that shit. Immediately.
Halfway through cleaning the banquet hall, I could feel the all too familiar cramps in my side. I knew another ‘issue’ was brewing in my stomach. It was only a matter of time before I would have a full-fledged ‘situation’ to contend with.
Yeah. Um.
Ya’ll remember when this happened?
Well…THAT happened.
Again.
[*Minus the ocean-water-rotting-kelp-flavored-all-natural-supplement.]
I was trapped within the confines of the freshly cleaned bathroom facilities, for at least twenty minutes. One full roll of toilet paper later, I was thankful my incident occurred so close to home.
After I made it out of the bathroom alive, and sweating so badly I looked like I had just come off a ride at the Water Park, I was immediately STARVING. I felt hollow inside. I suppose losing ten pounds in a matter of minutes leaves your intestinal track and stomach completely vacant. Yet, I couldn’t eat, knowing that I had a full day’s work ahead of me.
In the interest of keeping this blog post shorter, I will now only provide the highlights of the rest of my day.
1. For those of you who were concerned, Rommie DID in fact get to eat this time.
2. Speaking of Rommie, I discovered she had been trying to communicate with me for quite some time. Aside from the language barrier, there was just one more problem causing a world of difficulty when she tried talking to me. Rommie thought I was a bitch. Not because we couldn’t listen to music, and not because I refused to stop for food, but because she thought I was ignoring her.
And here’s why.
Rommie had been calling out ‘my name’ and I wouldn’t respond to her. Rommie didn’t understand why I wouldn’t even look at her when she said ‘my name’.
It wasn’t until Nightingale sounded out ‘Meleah’ phonetically ‘Ma-Lee-Yah’ that Rommie realized I had NOT been ignoring her. I just didn’t reply because I had no idea she was even talking to me.
Apparently, for two weeks, Rommie thought my name was Sophia.
3. Later that day, I became a member of the ‘We’re The Fagg-Ah-Wee Tribe’. Otherwise known as the ‘Where The Fuck Are We Tribe.’ After we got lost. Twice.
4. While single handedly mopping 2,500 square feet of hardwood floors and panting like a rabid dog, the sales lady over heard my gasps for air. With concern in her voice she asked, “Are you okay?” I quickly said, “Yep.” Then she asked, “Are you a smoker?” To which I replied, “Yes. Ever since I was 12 years old. Nothing to worry about over here, I always breathe like this.” [insert asthmatic sounds]
5. Over the course of yet another excruciating twelve-hour day, I learned a few Spanish phrases.
Mucho Trabaho = A lot of work. [which is exactly what I did all day long.]
And
Uno Mas = One More. [As in we have one more unit to clean even though we all wanted to die.]
And can I tell you? I am not a fan of hearing ‘Uno Mas.’ Especially when I thought we were done for the day.
Even if ‘Uno Mas’ was ‘De Pequeño Tamaño’= small in size.
——————————————————————————-
Considering I barely had the energy or stamina left in me to cook a meal, and since I was absolutely famished, when my day finally came to an end? I headed directly back to KHCC.
Much To My Dismay, upon arriving, what did I see?
Popcorn.
All. Over. The. Floors.
Again.
Mother. Fucker.
It was as if I had never even cleaned the place. I will now and forever cringe at the sight of anyone eating another free basket of popcorn.
As I settled in my reserved spot, I was greeted by my favorite person ‘Amy The Bartender’ [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] who was very busy teaching ‘The New Girl’ how to tend bar for the first time in her life.
We will be calling ‘The New Girl’, ‘Amanda The Bartender In Training’ [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card].
Before ordering everything on ‘The Left Side Of The Menu’, I shared laughs and iced teas with a “Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].”
Now, when I told you I was STARVING, I was not kidding. And although I did not really order everything on The Left Side Of The Menu, I did eat more food than anyone thought humanly possible.
Here let me show you….
Burger Number One:
And
Burger Number Two:
And after I managed to consume all of that?
I was still hungry!
I craved something sweet. I just had to order myself some dessert.
The chef at KHCC could not believe his ears when he heard that I was going to eat even more food. And, having never witnessed anything like that in his entire career as a chef, he decided that if I could eat both if those burgers and have dessert, he would personally pay for my dessert out of his own pocket.
And that my friends, concludes this weeks blog post.
But, stay tuned later this week, because I may surprise you all with an extra post that will include ‘A Meaningless Blind Date With Someone Who May Or May Not Be In The Witness Protection Program, Tiny Bladder Syndrome Verses Leaky Ass Syndrome And How Spending Too Much Time With The Same Person May Lead To Transference Of Syndromes. And, How To Spend The Fourth Of July In The Emergency Room -Twice.’
OMG. I love that you ate TWO of them. You should have seen me play bocce yesterday after eating so much Mexican food that all I could do was there rubbing my enormous food baby. That burger looks damn good…
Can you tell me this? How the hell do you stay so skinny and eat all that stuff? Life is not fair, I tell you. Not fair!!!
I know I haven’t been around in a while, and after reading this and your previous post I am reminded why I need to visit your blog every day. You. Are. A. Great. Writer…and YOU’RE FRICKIN’ HIL-A-RI-OUS!!!
XOXOXO
RC
well meleah,, yoiu did it again.. took what could have been a frusterating day and made it hysterical.. . you really have a knack for funny,, and i know it is because you love it so much!!!
i still can’t get over you eating both of those burgers either!!! ya gotta love a woman that can pack it away like that!!!!WOW!!!
Burger number two looks amazingly identical to burger number one. And considering your petite build, I am seriously doubting your ability to eat both burgers and all those fries AND that amazing looking desert. Then again, considering your ability to be brutally honest, why should I doubt you? You’re my hero!
Vannessa:
Mexican food is my FAVORITE!
🙂
Random Chick:
Oh sweety!
I LOVE it when YOU compliment my writing!
Thank you.
And NO. Life is NOT fair.
Because every time I DO EAT this happens:
I feel the all too familiar wave of sickness brewing in my intestines. I know the inevitable will happen, as soon as the beads of sweat start to form on my forehead. I have to get to the bathroom and right quick. My bathroom is always stocked with the necessary supplies such as triple-ply Charmin toilet paper and air freshener. But sometimes, no matter how well prepared one may be, there just aren’t enough baby wipes. I spend the better part of my evenings trapped within the confines of that room praying to the gods to ‘please make it stop. while I evacuate everything I have ever eaten. I feel as if I undergo a high colonic against my will. Not even ‘Tucks Medicated Pads’ can ease the painful burn of what felt like firewater being extracted violently. And when its finally over? I am exhausted and utterly depleted.
xoxoxo
Paisley:
Yes!
I live to find the humor in situations and I love that I am able to make you laugh!
xoxo
Terri:
Hand To God I ate all that food. ‘Amy The Bartender’ and ‘Amanda in Training’ are my witnesses! The only reason I am this skinny is because of my Leaky Ass Syndrome!
That food looks so good…and I’m so getting a basket of popcorn when I come see you!
You need a cleaning dog. The dog will take care of the popcorn.
Or a chicken.
A dog is probably easier to train.
Cute Ella:
As much as I love you, and you know I do, I will STAB you –
if you ever eat popcorn near me!
xoxoxo
DCR:
Ill take anything that will help me get rid of popcorn!
🙂
When I saw, “Why I Hate Popcorn” I just assumed you ate it and it caused you to spend 20 minutes in the bathroom and use an entire roll of toilet paper. But, as it turns out you spent 20 minutes in the bathroom and used a whole roll of toilet paper and DIDN’T EVEN EAT THE POPCORN. Though, you DID eat! My goodness, did you eat!
Send me your email addrees to laundry2u@yahoo.com and I will send you the russian audio 🙂
OMG two burgers :O
Momo Fali:
And boy did I suffer the consequences the very next morning!
Oh, and I forgot to mention, The Chef, amazed as he was, felt compelled to go back to the kitchen and calculate exactly how much food I ate in weight. It was approximately TWO POUNDS of food. In One Sitting.
Yep.
I am gross.
xoxo
Loni:
Okay. Ill send you an email request. And yes, I ate all that food. I am out of my mind. And my clothes may never properly fit me – for the rest of the summer.
🙂
Honey you make it too damn hard not to laugh at your pain. So sorry about your bridge issues. That sucks – but thank god you have someone like Amy to lighten up the day 🙂
You are amazing. I would not only have totally lost it and thrown out the vacuum cleaner and broke the popcorn machine, I would have been done. For the day. I am so jealous of your eating – but I would not want your LAS. So, I will stick to counting calories. You crack me up. As Always…
Loved it! You are too funny! Do you and your crew do smaller (5 bedrooms, 3 1/2 baths) houses? My house is SO easy to find, no way youd get lost!!!! Im desperate seeing that I have been deemed incapable of taking care of my own house do to GD depression!!! I am so worthless I make my own self sick.
And all these years, I thought a “double burger” just meant two patties! Silly me… I’ve been ripped off countless times!
The Girl:
Amy The Bartender ALWAYS makes my day.
🙂
Skipper:
I love to make you laugh. I have no idea how I did NOT quit right then and there, although when I was in the bathroom, that very thought crossed my mind!
And you can have my L.A.S.! Maybe then I will gain weight from all the disgusting foods that I eat.
xoxo
Lisa:
Ahahahahah. Id be happy to clean your house!
🙂
LiLu:
Totally. Ripped. Off.
My oldest suffers from gephyrophobia, also–especially when it comes to the Mackinac Bridge. She knows, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that she would need to use the services of the ‘helpers’* if she ever had to drive over the Big Mac on her own. She would NEVER be able to do it. *(There are volunteers who will drive a gephyrophobic’s vehicle across the bridge for him/her.)
Cat litter works the same way as popcorn when it meets a vacuum cleaner. Just to let you know. 😉
Now, I can eat my hubby under the table, but I don’t know if I could even finish the first hamburger/french fry plate that you did! And yes, every ounce of food I have ever eaten is still inside my body. MY metabolism is definitely in ‘lazy’ mode–and I look it! 🙂
OMG, I’m famous! lol I’m glad everyone got to eat what they wanted, even if Rommie didn’t know your name. Sophia must be the sister we don’t talk about. 😉
That was a fantastic read! Surely with your connections KHCC you could get the bar nibbles changed from popcorn to something easier to clean up. That would only be fair!?! 😀
CMK:
I need one of those Volunteers!
And I think that night I could have eaten more than Any Man on the planet!
I had no idea cat litter was like popcorn when it comes to clean up
[Note to self= Never buy a cat!]
xoxo
Colin:
I still laugh thinking about her calling me Sophia and the fact that I completely ignored her since that’s NOT my name! I am happy you found this to be a fantastic read! [that made my day.] Now if only I could get the manager at KHCC to get rid of that damn popcorn!
🙂
Why I read Momma Mia Mea, Culpa 🙂 great post Meleah 🙂
Aaaah, popcorn! So it behaves just like those little tiny polystyrene bean bag pellets, does it? You can’t pick those up with a vacuum cleaner either, though they’re obviously not as painful.
I hate popcorn because it breaks your teeth.
By the way, that is quite an extraordinary amount of food. You would probably have been able to get through that lamb pot roast of mine!
Rog:
Thank you!
Jay:
I totally would have been able to eat YOUR lamb pot roast with NO problems!
And I hate popcorn Forever!
Great blog! I’ll never eat popcorn again! This was my favorite line:
“Seriously. Popcorn is the herpes of all snack foods.”
omg!
what……………………..a weekend!
i just can’t stop laughing!!!
Oh my lord, you’ve made me hungry! Damn it!
Marty:
But it really IS!
Amy:
I cant even!
And HOW the hell do you clean that popcorn up every night?
Silver:
Have a burger, but NOT two of them!
I have one question. How do you actually eat those cheeseburgers? I would have to take it apart first 🙂
Haha Love you too darling!
i have almost been killed by popcorn several times. i know your pain.
Wonder Woman to the rescue once again. I love the way you can take a simple, mundane job and turn it into a hilarious, popcorn hating saga out of it. I agree with several others – find it hard that you can pound down two burgers & fries along with dessert and not weight 400+ lbs. Of course, LAS is a pretty severe way to diet. Just stay away from the jalapenos.
What a hellofa weekend. Glad you had no more bridges to cross today.
Babs:
I smash them down with the palms of my hands, and then I cut them in half.
And then, I go off!
Cute Ella:
xoxo
🙂
L’uragano:
I almost lost an eye!
Agg79:
Aw. And I love getting compliments on my writing style!
Amy & Amanda & The Chef & Every one @ KHCC will attest to my disgusting feast of two burgers and peach cobbler. And, yes, my LAS is the only reason I am not a billion pounds, because as soon as it goes in? It comes right back out!
Hooray for NO bridges!
🙂
I love that there is a bartender in training and that she buys bagels that are as expensive as diamonds. I know about popcorn because I used to work as an usher in a cinema when I was at school. Popcorn is alive. I believe that. It never goes away!!
Loved every word of this post. So funny.
LOL, Mel…that was a great long read…so sorry haven’t been stopping by as often as I would like to. Your burgers made me hungry and I am not supposed to eat at this time of the day…pfft.
Selma:
When she was telling me the story I cracked up. Apparently the debit card only had two dollars on it, but she didn’t know that – so when she charged a bagel, she got hit with an overdraft charge too.
Im so glad you enjoyed reading this post! I hope that one day popcorn will never be served in public areas again. I have a new found appreciation for people who work in movie theaters and have to clean it up all the time!
xoxoxo
Noemi:
Please, I never get around to read ALL my favorite blogs ALL the time. There just aren’t enough hours in the day! Well if you’re hungry eat a burger, but NOT two of them!
🙂
OMG more cleaning? You know what, after reading your previous post, I spent the whole yesterday imagining one trying to like the smell of cleaning liquids. And naturally you came to my mind 🙂
mmmmmm burger
I think ‘Amanda The Bartender In Training’ [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card] needs a shorter subtitle. Just saying.
I’m sure you’d get along swimmingly with my mother’s former co-worker [who was for a short time my co-worker who enjoyed cleaning and threw out my favorite coffee cup which I used for tea since I don’t drink coffee because she couldn’t get it clean enough to her satisfaction though I’m sure she didn’t try hard enough and didn’t even try bleach and was starting work in a cleaning business until she met a rich guy who she eventually married or was it the second rich guy that she eventually married–I’m not sure now] but she doesn’t have a blog, so far as I know.
RMH:
But of course!
ahahahah
xoxoxo
GGOM:
I know! That’s why I had TWO
DCR:
No way! I like Amanda’s title. Then you already know the story I was going to tell about her. but I didn’t have to because it’s IN her name!
I am working on really long titles like:
“Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].”
See!!!! Even you tried the elongated Title Name!
Now, If I was YOU?
I would have named her this:
* A Former Co-Worker, Who Supposedly, “Accidentally” , Threw Out My Coffee Mug – While Cleaning. Because: She Has Not Been Properly Introduced To The Wonders Of Clorox Bleach, Or, The Power Of Elbow Grease – When It Comes To Removing Tea Stains [As Opposed To Coffee Stains.] And, Shortly Thereafter, That Very Same Woman Clearly “Gave Up”, When She Eventually Married For Money [Twice], Because She Is Lazy Like That. Obviously, She Is Incapable Of Fulfilling A Hard Day’s Work, And Lacks The Necessary Essential ‘Work Ethic’ Required To Perform Her Overwhelming Duties, Such As: Cleaning Your Basic Coffee Mug.*
Yes?
Good try, but I’m not sure it would work.
1) She intentionally threw the coffee mug out.
2) She wasn’t lazy at all. She was (probably still is) an obsessive clean freak.
3) She only married one rich guy. I think she may have dated two.
I do like the last bit about not being able to clean your basic coffee mug, though. 😉
I was just gonna say…..Hellooooooooo Amanda!
I don’t think I could have eaten two of those burgers, even if I hadn’t eaten for days, but that dessert would have seen the nuclear holocaust that is my mouth….and I thought it was because I swore a lot.
DCR:
Oh well. I tried with what little information I had!
🙂
How about this:
A Former Co-Worker, Who Intentionally Threw Out My Coffee Mug, Because She Has Not Been Properly Introduced To The Wonders Of Clorox Bleach, Or, The Power Of Elbow Grease – When It Comes To Removing Tea Stains [As Opposed To Coffee Stains.] And, Shortly Thereafter, That Very Same Woman Married For Money. Lets Hope She Will Be Capable Of Fulfilling Her Overwhelming Wifely Duties, Such As: Cleaning Your Basic Coffee Mug.
Better?
Beau:
I will be sure to tell ‘Amanda The Bartender In Training’ [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card] you said HELLO.
And that dessert was AWESOME
Muy interesante, mi querrida Meleah. Me gusta intentar hablar espanol tambien.
not only is amy reading your blog, she is now reading the comments made by other readers to your blog, and amy couldn’t not comment on dcr’s comment about amanda’s title. amy’s opinion is the longer the title, the funnier, in fact, playing tennis and not being ranked is now just pretty boring. amy thinks we might have to change her title this weekend! can that even be done? or once you have a title that’s it forever?
Now I want popcorn and a bacon cheeseburger with extra everything too.
When I was a teen, I had this friend named Heather. She had pink shag carpet in her bedroom and we would hang there and listen to music or whatever else. teens do. We once had a dance off where we forgot about the popcorn bowl so it went flying and we stomped as we danced… getting that popcorn out of the shag carpet was horrific! I think Heather is still trying.
Also, can you tell me how you do the cool pointy bubbles on your pictures? I do a comic strip and I think the dialogue would look awesome in those cool pointy bubbles.
Richard W:
Damn it. I don’t know that much yet!
*searches internet for translation*
Amy The Bartender Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked:
You have my permission to comment any way you want to comment- and to whom ever you want to comment to!
That being said, yeah, your title is a little “lacking” in comparison to Amanda and Tom! And yes, we can change your title. We will have to work that out this weekend!
Bee:
OMFG! I think it would be easier to MOVE than to try and get popcorn out of a shag carpet! I feel badly for poor Heather!~
I make all of my images and cartoons in program called “Comic Life” I don’t know if PC people can download it on their computers? But if you can, it’s free and you can choose any kind of pointy bubbly shapes. I love your comic strips with your husband and those would be PERFECT for you! See if you can download Comic Life!
I feel your pain with the popcorn scenario. I had a party a few years ago and apparently a couple who brought their children, didn’t think it was necessary to keep an eye on them. They had a popcorn fight in my basement and then proceeded to smash it into the carpeting. Yeah, that was fun to clean up!
what’s up sophia, are you a friend of ‘Ma-Lee-Yah’s and do you have a facebook page? that’s too funny and yuck:
Seriously. Popcorn is the herpes of all snack foods. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
but funny. it’s like trying to suck up those styrofoam peanuts
and LOL, more popcorn on the floor. you should have screamed and said i just cleaned this darn place.
funny stuff ‘Ma-Lee-Yah’
Employee No. 3699
I would have made the KIDS clan that up! Or their parents.
What…A Nightmare!
🙂
Valerie:
Don’t even give me any ideas about making Sophia a facebook page!
ahahahahahah
Oh, that chef would have totally been buying my dessert, too!