Something awful happened the other day. And I’m not very proud of myself. I am hoping that confessing my terrible sins to you, my dear readers, will help to absolve me. And if that doesn’t work, I guess, I’m just going to have to download this particular application to my iPhone.
Do you know what drives me completely insane? Do you know what pushes every single one of my buttons – at the same time? Do you know what makes me so angry; I’m willing to set myself on fire, just to make it stop?
Unsolicited. Advice.
Delivered daily, by the truckload.
Before I go any further I need to preface this blog post.
Let me start by saying that I absolutely LOVE my grandfather, Poppa Sye. He is the sweetest, nicest, kindest man. He’s the first one to help a stranger in need. He is a true sport with a great sense of humor. He’s always willing to lend a helping hand. He is a gentleman in every essence of the word. And, he spends 99% of his day consumed with reading articles from outdated Medical Journals, in search of obscure cures, for various aliments.
That being said, some of you already know about my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’. And not too long ago, my grandfather took it upon himself to: read, print, photocopy, and share every piece of information he’s ever discovered regarding my Annoying Medical Conditions.
And I used to think it was very sweet.
And, I used to find some of his methods of delivering such information very entertaining.
And it was.
Like for instance:
Once, he went to our local pharmacy and discovered a Benefits Program that helps people save money on prescriptions. However, that program is specifically designed for people over the age of 55. Nevertheless he proceeded to give me 15 different forms to fill out, because even though I’m clearly NOT eligible, I should try to apply anyway.
Another time he suggested I call the AARP 800 hotline, via the sticky note he left on my bedroom door. Yet another program, only eligible for people over the age of 60.
My loving grandfather also launches what I like to call ‘Blitz Attacks’. That’s where I’ll find a barrage of pamphlets, packets, magazines, photocopied paperwork, shoved underneath my bedroom door, or put on my dinner plate. He’s like a walking spammer, pumping out notices, and erroneous information.
Usually, I have to sneak those stacks of paper and thousands of sticky notes, outside of my house. I try to bring them to a safer location for disposal. Because, if I attempt to throw away this useless information – Poppa Sye inevitably finds it in the garbage, feels offended, hits me with the stink eye, and then he scowls at me for weeks.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I know that my grandfather means well. I know that he’s only looking out for my best interests. And, I know that he’s just trying to help. I am positive with ever fiber of my soul that he is only trying to find ways to ‘Cure Me’ even when he suggests all things ‘Holistic’ and ‘Herbal’ – most of which I am highly allergic to.
I am well aware of the fact that I should just be grateful I even have a grandfather, let alone such a caring and concerned grandfather. I also know that he likes to feel important, and needed, or at best, useful – in some way shape or form.
Which is precisely WHY I feel like the biggest SHITHEAD, ungrateful, spoiled, little, bitch. EVER.
I was already at the end of my rope over here. Because, let’s face it. There’s only so much one person can do to placate another.
I’ve tried nodding my head complete with a fake smile simply to appease my grandfather.
I’ve tried telling him, “No, thank you”, in the politest ways possible.
And, I have graciously accepted a minimum of 16,978,532,569,787,413,356,498,752.9 articles, just last week.
I feel absolutely terrible for thinking (and feeling) that my grandfather’s steadfast efforts are nothing but a waste of my time. I feel even worse for being pissed off about the whole scenario. I feel incredibly guilty for being ‘mad at him’ when I know – I KNOW – he is only trying to look out for me.
But seriously people.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
So…..
I snapped.
I hauled off and I knocked him out!
KIDDING!
KIDDING!
I AM KIDDING PEOPLE!
Of course, I did NOT punch my grandfather in the face.
Unfortunately, he fell.
Again.
Luckily, it wasn’t as bad as this time.
But now, I get to be the one to find, photocopy, and deliver mountains of information on balance, slip and falls, and how to treat subsequent injuries.
And this is going to be fun!
* So tell me people. How do YOU handle receiving ‘Unsolicited Advice’? Because I am fresh out of ideas!
I think Margaret’s advice on imagining each pamphlet is a kiss or a fluffy kitty is awesome. I can’t beat that.
BUT!!
I can offer a great way to have some fun with him now! Give him pamphlets on menopause and tell him you think his falling down may be the result of equilibrium issues brought on by hormonal changes. Tell him how much you care about him and his estrogen levels. Maybe even purchase some homeopathic stuff that will help with the “hot flashes” you’re sure he’s not telling you about.
And don’t worry, when you get to Hell? I’ll be right there, waiting for you 🙂
So true.
I forget that sometimes. Like after I’ve been assaulted with 90 pamphlets!
Margaret’s advice rocks. And I will do my best to remember it!
I already sneak stuff out of the house as to NOT offend him!
I am TOTALLY doing THAT!
Ahahahhaha. I could NEVER really do that! OMG!
OMG! Nicky, that’s HYSTERICAL.
Love it!!
* Is it June, yet?!
Sorry Mel, but that’s what family is for. To give you lots of unsolicited, unhelpful, unwanted advice or ask embarrasing questions about your health.
Dear, should you be eating that? Are you gaining weight? You really should stop smoking. What happened to your hair? Did I just wake you up? I’ve got some wart remover cream that works great! How are your hemmaroids doing? Are your boobs getting bigger? Have you lost hair?
As much as you want to kill them or stick a fork in them, you can’t. They’re family and you can’t change the spots on that dog. Besides, the cops tend to frown upon that reaction.
I think you’ve gots lots of good (solicited) advice here. Try the fuzzy kitten trick. Or you could fight fire with fire. Why don’t you gather up all sorts of information to pass along as helpful? Like ads for Cialis or Viagra (helps improve the vision)? Or a coupon for Beano? At least you could get him an eyepatch (aka Pirate Sye).
Agg,
Oh my god, that whole paragraph is EXACTLY what goes down.
It’s almost like you’ve had a seat at my dinner table!
I am definitely going with BOTH techniques:
1. Pretend they are hugs and kisses from Poppa Sye.
2. Spamming him back!
Hahaha! Oh poor Poppa Sye, he’s never gonna see this coming. 😉
Nope! And it’s his turn!!
ohhhhh Meleah ! … you had me at paragraph 8
Found your blog through Studio Thirty and am a fan already. I will come back and see what you and your family are up to soon! For real. By the way your dad is better looking the Tony Bennett ever was….for real.
My family are constantly sending me emails with links to ways to treat depression or info on when I am likely to go into the menopause or ways to increase the iron in my diet. OMG it is so annoying. I know they mean well but I am so OVER it. I so get what you mean.
Poor Poppa Sye – I hope his eye is OK but you are going to have so much fun giving him all that info. Hahaha.
Why don’t you give him some of your information about Fresh Balls??
Wow, that is a shiner! And you really had me believing that you did something terrible. I was all like “no, not our Meleah!”. Grrrrr. I’m so gonna get you for this.
Unsolicited advice; here is a trick that young Indians sometimes do. After getting fed up of older relatives asking us, at weddings no less, when it was that we are going to finally get married, we younger generation Indians have now resorted to asking the older ones, at funerals, when was it that it would be their turn to kick the bucket!!
HAHAHHAAH!
Aw! YA! Thank you. So nice to meet you here!
I’m excited about bombarding him with flyers!
Agg!
I just laughed so much – hot coffee just shot through my nose!
*ouch*
And HAHhhHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAhHAHHHAHHAh
I love it!
I vent to my mom,husband and now adult children, (oh and on my blog) and none of them offer me advice, well, my mom does and she tells me to SHUT THE HELL up and listen to her when she is giving me advice (LOL) but otherwise the rest of them listen to me bitch about other people who give me unsolicited advice and you know damn well I am the QUEEN of VENTING so VENT AWAY it feels good!!!!
Well. Let me say something serious first. My son, Aaron, has an Annoying Medical Condition (maybe several) and reading your blog gives me some insight as to how it feels on the other side of our relationship Thank you. I am not quite as relentless as your Poppa Sye seems to be but I can be pushy.
It’s funny. I’ve been in 12-step program for many years and in our meetings, there is supposed to be no crosstalk which means you talk about your own experience but don’t advise others. if you want to get a point across to someone, you tell a story from your own life about a similar situation … or you talk about it after the meeting when they can say No Thank You. But in one of my meetings there are guys who continually talk directly to people. One actually, said, “Well, Bud,” then told me exactly what I should do in a very emotional situation. Unfortunately, some of the guys LIKE it that the meeting is a little loose. I’m considering leaving the meeting but I sponsor someone there that I really like.
I talked to my sponsor about it, a very wise man who reminded me of an old 12-step slogan: Take What You Like and Leave the Rest. Yeah, but it’s not always easy.
Bud
All of my unsolicited advice comes from my mother. I just channel my inner 13 year old and roll my eyes a lot.
You are my FAVORITE “Ventor”, Lucy!
It’s definitely NOT easy to : “Take What You Like and Leave the Rest”
I do hope that maybe you learned something from me, about your son. And here’s another little secret in you ear. The MORE you try and advise someone with medical issues HOW to deal with what they are going through – the LESS they will listen to you!
HA! And that’s what I love about you, Diane!
Oh, poor Poppa Sye with the black eye, but seriously, “walking spammer” — that’s hysterical! I can’t really help you with the ‘Unsolicited Advice’, though, I usually just smile and pretend I went deaf.
I’m so glad you found the humor in the situation and I’m glad your grandfather wasn’t injured so seriously that he couldn’t smile about it!
Sadly, Poppa Sye IS a walking spammer. But, thankfully his eye is almost already better!
🙂
paybacks are fun….. 🙂
You mean you’re actually asking us for advice on how to avoid advice from other people? What a conundrum! Now I’m so confused, I don’t know what to say!
Indeed!
HA!
Well ASKING for advice is different than someone giving it to you –
Especially against your will!
I have this special mode where I just zone out and not hear a thing. 😉
I wish I could do that!
Nice left hook!!!!
Usually I just say “Back the fuck off,” but I took a long look at that sweet old man’s face and I’m afraid you’re just screwed. 😉
Don’t mess with me!
See!! How can ANYONE say NO to THAT face!
“He’s like a walking spammer” — OMG, I laughed out loud! Bless Poppa Sye’s heart. I do understand what you’re saying, though. Unfortunately, I think the way you’re handling everything is the only solution. Just have the mantra, “he’s only doing this because he loves me so much” run on a continual loop in your head.
I hera you! You’ll get to things on your own time.
Its ok sweetie.. Youcan admit you helped him fall. Lolol
I think this exchange is particularly humorous since you commented on my Where to Go? post about me being sure to see the doctor about my vertigo. As you’ll see in today’s post, Vertigo, I did. See? You told me HOW and I did it anyway!
HA!
Steph!
That’s exactly what I have been doing!
OMG. HA! You’re right!
Glad you’re not popping people now!
Well they say the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree, so of course you will be delivering poor Gram pa your unsolicited advice. Now what a terrible act you committed on an admiring blogger friend. What kind of medical condition are you part of? Could it be passworditis?
🙂
HA! Yes, that’s exactly my medical condition!