Where do I sign up? How can I be a case study?

My mother sent an article to me, (see below) since I have been feeling sooo shitty these past few days. I think karma is paying me back for my child’s damaged eye (or I am just so upset about his eye) because my stomach has been whacked since Sunday morning. Driving in New Jersey under a ‘state of emergency’ meant two things for me on Monday.

Number one, avoid flooded areas.

Number two, planning my driving routes to the eye doctors and pharmacy that had a lot of ‘rest stops’ along the way.

I am sure that being a wreck about missing more work made my stomach all the more sensitive, stress does not help the digestive track at all!

Here is the article:

Antibiotic Could Make IBS Less Irritable

(no, I don’t have IBS, I have Crohn’s, but some of the symptoms are the same)

Those who know the pain of irritable bowel syndrome understand why it’s the second-leading cause of missed work days in the U.S.

(yeah! hello! I have missed sooo much work! Or I have been late, because I was trapped in a rest stop on the NJTPK, which is oh such a good time. Or, I have been half way to work, only to have to turn around and go back home because I didn’t make it to the rest stop in time. (yeah talk about a bad way to start your day) I wonder just how many days this year alone have I missed work because of my damn Cronh’s disease! Oh yeah, and missed work for tests, xrays, and countless doctors appointments)

According to studies, 20 percent of Americans live with chronic cramps, gas and diarrhea. Now, an antibiotic might help ease the symptoms.

(antibiotics? really? are you sure? where? what? how? can I get this pill?)

Never has a menu looked so good to Carol Epstein. For 20 years, she passed up coffee, salads, dairy and wheat products for fear they would spark a chain of painful reactions.

(Oh boy, do I know that chain reaction of events. First, I start to overheat. My body gets really hot. I know the second I start feeling feverish I have about a 30 minute window before the cramps/pain/gas start kicking in. I must leave wherever ever I am and head home. Second, I writhe in pain for another 30-45 minutes with what can only be compared to labor pains. Gas pain in the lower back is like no other! Then inevitably, my stomach erupts and evacuates all of the contents until there is nothing left but fire water. The evacuation process can last for up to five or even six hours.)

Irritable bowel syndrome did not keep Epstein home, but it followed her on vacations to Egypt, Cambodia and India.

(yeah well, some days I can’t make it to the bathroom, let alone make it to fucking EGYPT! How the hell did she last on the plane?)

Nothing helped Epstein, not even a restrictive diet, until she met Dr. Mark Pimentel.

(I KNOW! The only thing that works is STARVING. If you don’t eat, there is nothing to digest, then there is no pain, then there aren’t missed days of work.)

A breath test found an overgrowth of bacteria in Epstein’s stomach.

(a what test? a breath test? I thought those were for DUI testing?)

Working on the theory that bacteria might cause IBS, Pimentel tested the antibiotic Rifaximin on 87 IBS patients. Nearly 40 percent of the patients saw a major improvement in symptoms.

“If you take the antibiotic for 10 days, patients got better, and they got better for 10 weeks after the antibiotic was stopped,” said Pimentel.

Unlike other antibiotics, Rifaximin is not absorbed into the bloodstream. The drug stays in the intestine, killing bacteria passing through the digestive tract.

(OKAY, fine by me! I don’t care what lives in my intestines, I just want a damn sandwich!)

“Just to have the feeling that I’m going to eat something and not going to have cramps or run to the bathroom or have this trapped gas is a wonderful feeling! said Epstein.

(Dood, I can’t wait to eat again! If I could one day eat WITHOUT the miserable FEAR of FOOD and worrying about what will happen to me if I do eat it)

Epstein has been pain-free for a year and a half.

(damn! a YEAR, I’ll take a week! shit! I would take a single day of full blown gluttony style eating, if it was guaranteed I would not go through the agony!)

Patients take the antibiotic for just 10 days, but the effects last after they stop using the drug, for up to a year, according to Pimentel. After that period, patients will need to take the drug again. Pimentel said a longer study is needed to verify the results and look at long-term effects.

(I want to be in THAT study!! where? how? do I sign up?)

And for the record…WHY? for fucks sake is this woman so happy about having crohn’s? I’m not even THIS happy, on a good day. THIS BITCH IS JUST A LIAR