Okay. Um.
I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity, and tell you the story about a girl who drank what appeared to be a seemingly harmless all natural digestive supplement, and then suffered intense and severe consequences.
Ready?
[Oh, and to Moooooog35, I will be telling this story ‘In The FIRST Person’ just for you.]
I believe it was last Thursday afternoon when I decided to visit one of my favorite people ‘Amy The Bartender’ at my favorite place known as ‘KHCC.’ Amy The Bartender and I were chatting about the beautiful weather and laughing like usual.
Amy The Bartender shares the some of the same afflictions as I do, especially when it comes to dealing with heartburn. The both of us practically live on Tums and Pepcid Complete, full well knowing those are basically just masking agents to cover up our real digestive issues.
[Side bar: As many of you already know I have severe Food Allergies, Crohn’s Disease, Celiac, Ulcers, and a Hiatal Hernia, so I am quite familiar with dealing with any sort of stomach and/or intestinal ‘situation’ but I was certainly not expecting what happened.]
One of the members of KHCC, whom I adore, and who we will lovingly refer to as ‘The Mayor’ overheard Amy The Bartender and I talking about our perpetual heartburn and how annoying it is to live with. The Mayor jumped right into our conversation all to eager to discuss a product he takes himself, on a daily basis.
According to The Mayor, this clear liquid, all natural, dietary supplement, helps promote healthy digestion, increases your energy, removes waste and toxins from your system, liver, kidneys, blood and colon. And it also has the power to relive heartburn and hiatal hernia symptoms.
Apparently, it’s filled with miracles.
Sounds awesome right?
Since I am always up for trying something new that might help me feel better, and since I trust The Mayor, I agreed to try a sample of the said miracle-working product along with Amy The Bartender.
Amy The Bartender prepared two shot glasses, one for her and one for me. Then, Amy The Bartender measured out less than half a teaspoon of the ever so innocent looking clear liquid into each glass and mixed it with some raspberry iced tea.
On the count of three, we downed our shots.
At first, it didn’t taste that bad.
But…
Only a mere three milliseconds later?
The aftertaste kicked in.
And that is when all hell broke loose …
In our mouths.
To use the term ‘intense’ would be the understatement of the year.
The best and only possible way I can compare what the taste of that drink is truly like, would be if someone were to drink a mouthful of sea-water, from the very bottom of the ocean floor, mixed with rotting kelp, and all things dead, coupled with a side of rust.
Only. Worse.
That ‘distinguished flavor’ must be some kind of an acquired taste.
Amy The Bartender said that she felt as if she had just licked ‘A Jetty’ with rocks covered in moss, conveniently located in the middle of the Dead Sea.
In an effort to remove the foulness covering our tongues, Amy The Bartender and I sucked down on lemon and orange slices. All to no avail.
The aftertaste was so powerful and so potent, I thought for sure if I spoke to anyone they would have been able to smell the offensive taste in my mouth. I was one hundred percent certain my breath could have very well been lethal for any unsuspecting individual. Therefore, I figured it would be best for me to exit the building.
[FYI: To this very day, my taste buds are still not the same.]
I really think it would have been nice if the manufacturers at least had the decency to put the ‘aftertaste issue’ on some kind of a Warning Label. Because information like that would have been really handy BEFORE drinking their product. Yes?
In fact, they should have put a lot of things on a Warning Label. Much like the ‘Warning’ I am going to give you right now.
[WARNING: I tried to write what happened next as delicately as possible. However, the following portion of this post, is not for the squeamish.]
Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, when I came home from KHCC, the real problems began.
After dinner with my family, I started feeling the all too familiar wave of sickness brewing in my intestines. I knew the inevitable was going to happen, as soon as the beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. I had to get to the bathroom and right quick.
Thankfully, because I am used to dealing with situations like this, my bathroom had recently been stocked with the necessary supplies such as triple-ply Charmin toilet paper and air freshener. But sometimes, no matter how well prepared one may be, there just aren’t enough baby wipes.
I spent the better part of my evening trapped within the confines of that room praying to the gods to ‘please make it stop’ and promising [via pinky swear] to never drink any sort of concoction like that ever again.
While I sat in my bathroom, sweating, in tears, and practically fainting, I wondered just how concentrated that stuff must have been, in order for three tiny little drops to have had such an influential effect on my bowels.
I sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that I may have lost a vital organ that evening, as I evacuated everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life.
I felt as if I had undergone a high colonic against my will. Not even ‘Tucks Medicated Pads’ could ease the painful burn of what felt like firewater being extracted violently.
Exhausted and utterly depleted, I managed to type out a less than coherent text message to Amy The Bartender. I had to inform her of the details to my tragic condition because I was wondering if she was dealing with the same. Fortunately for her, she was only suffering from pangs of nausea.
Amy The Bartender, proceeded to tell The Mayor exactly why I was unable to come back to KHCC that evening. Upon hearing the news, The Mayor could not get his hands on my phone number fast enough. He called several times to find out if I was okay, however, obviously, I could not answer the phone.
When I finally did make it to bed, the only way I was able to lay comfortably without triggering another round of ‘Leaky Ass Syndrome’? Was to sleep…in the fetal position.
I awoke in the morning [still suffering] to find some lovely text messages from Amy The Bartender. Which I am going to share with you – verbatim.
[And yes, Amy The Bartender sends her text messages in the third person.]
“Amy is still not feeling too well, and had bathroom issues all this morning. Amy is scared to eat anything.”
I was already cracking up before reading the next message:
“Amy wishes she had her heartburn back, and that she never drank the kelp.”
I can honestly speak for the both of us when I say, neither Amy The Bartender, nor I, will ever be the same.
And we will NEVER try another all natural digestive supplement.
[Especially ones that don’t come with warning labels.]
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go use the bathroom.
Because just thinking and writing about this, makes my stomach churn.
All over again.
Oh wow!!! You should never trust anything that sounds that good. I hope you (and Amy The Bartender) are feeling better now?
I know Mayors can give people the shits, but that is taking it too far! lol
Colin:
I didn’t feel better for a long time!
Oh thank god you laughed! While this post is 100% TRUE and that was a horrible experience, this post is INTENDED to be humorous!
never trust anything that is all natural and supposed to cure a whole list of ills.. can you say snake water???
i am so ryyt to say so ,, but this had me laughing my ass off with the visual…..
Oh my gosh, what is the name of that stuff – so I never accidentally take it. That sort of “natural remedy” is right up my alley. Apart from what happens when you take it. I’m so sorry you were so sick. I have a sensitive digestive situation as well, so I knew exactly how you felt by your description – which was really good, btw.
Just block the experience out of your head so as not to suffer from post-traumatic stress, and next time say “thanks, but no thanks” when someone tries to pawn their digestive goods off on you. 🙂 xoxo
you have to be really careful with those things if you have a sensitive stomach. that happened to me once from taking Nyquil. its just too strong. anyways there is some kind of seltzer that my in-laws drank that really did help. & it only tastes like 7 up i swear. i’ll find out what it is. ? ya
yikes. i would have been afraid to drink anything from anyone…even if i do know them. sorry you had that experience, but glad you are “okay”.
and i enjoyed the read. you tell such great stories.
As if the aftertaste wasn’t bad enough, you had to put up with the afterburn too (sorry, I couldn’t help it.) Very funny post but I feel bad laughing because I know you are probably in agony. I hope everything settles down soon. XX
Oh crap! That really blows. I am really sorry that you were down in the dumps but I was cracking up from your very visual and vivid descriptions of your symptoms. I know how you feel. When I had my lovely colonoscopy last year, they make drink some of the nastiest stuff (a mixture of honey, motor oil, karo syrup, and dash of snot) that pretty much did the same thing on your plumbing. I honestly never knew a person could, uh, (I like how you put it so gently) evacuate for hours. I really hope you and Amy are doing better and pretty much over your LAS. I admire your spunk for you to be texting while in the throws of your situation.
Hope your problems are behind you now (sorry for that one) and ya might want to avoid taking medicinal advice from your fellow KHCC patrons.
I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome for those who don’t know) – so I have been there… and although I am laughing about your post I am more terrified then amused, because this Sh*t happens to me all the time. ;o)
OH NO! Guess you’ll be staying away from any “natural” remedies from now on!
LOL, and there I was, hoping that I could get my hands on this wonderful clear liquid to get rid of MY heartburn. Hope you’re OK now.
Oh dear! What is it so that I DON’T think its a good idea to try it? Thank you for that chuckle and the PSA for this grey muggy Sunday morning.
BTW just got kicked out of the ex’s bed…Go ahead, laugh. I am.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I now feel A LOT better about my life right now.
Ahh, Meleah. We are kindred bowel spirits…..celiac & IBS.
I so feel for you.
Reminds me of a time I ate a bunch of ‘sugar-free’ candy, that contained whacks of malitol. O.M.G.
I think I would have preferred giving birth again than the ‘toilet event’ I endured that day!
Paisley:
YAY.
Like I said before, this is SUPPOSED to be humorous.
I hope you are having a great weekend. See you on FB!
Steph:
ahahahha.
Right?
No more trying new or natural things over here
xoxo
Michelle:
Nyquil? Is too strong? WOW.
I take Nyquil and I stay awake for days, it has the opposite effect on me!
I don’t know if I am up for trying anything new right now, but yes please find out what the 7-up stuff is called!
Valerie:
“and i enjoyed the read. you tell such great stories.”
Aw! THANKS!
🙂
Selma:
Laughter is BETTER than Agony.
And by writing about it, in a funny way, made me feel better!
xoxoxo
Agg79:
“but I was cracking up from your very visual and vivid descriptions of your symptoms”
YES! That is what I was HOPING to do!
Pre-colonoscopy medications are CRAZY, I know that first hand too, but at least they only last for ONE DAY. Whatever the hell I drank messed with me for days!
Michelle G.:
Aw. honey!
IBS is terrible!!!
But LAUGHTER is key!
Mrs Schmitty:
Um yeah!
ahahah
Noemi;
DON’T DO IT!
Ella:
I am laughing!
Sliver:
I aim to please
🙂
Nadine:
YIKES!
Makes note to self!
I must now assume my upstairs neighbor believes me insane, having lol’ed uproariously and without discretion, much to what I now believe his chagrin. Good story, in other words.
WOW…that was a learning lesson my dear friend!
Derik:
Yay.
I like making people laugh to the point where they sound like a crazy person!
HeatherOSB:
ahahaha
I know!
‘All natural,’ ‘complete cure,’ ‘works fast,’ ‘guaranteed,’ and even slightly illegal–ALL of these I have tried for my psoriasis, so I understand the ‘will try anything once’ syndrome. (By the way, cod liver oil pills have a VERY nasty aftertaste, too. DON’T ever go there!) Glad you’re feeling a bit better and VERY glad you could find the humor in the whole ordeal. You definitely keep us entertained. 🙂 xoxoxoxoxo
The Mayor said it would remove waste and toxins from your system and it sounds like the product delivered. So, what was the problem? 😉
amy found this all so much funnier when it was meleah having the issues that amy suffered tonight, minus the throwing up. amy is never taking anything that is “all natural”, and sounds too good to be true. amy is afraid she will remember that taste forever.
CMK:
I had to find a way to make thins funny!
Otherwise, it would have been too painful!
DCR:
I had NO IDEA that would happen!
Amy The Bartender:
Meleah is laughing so hard – her face might fall off.
Oh Meleah, I’m so sorry for laughing at your pain, but I think that was the funniest post you have ever written. My sympathies to you and Amy. That is just terrible and revenge measures should be taken on The Mayor.
Thanks to you and Amy for making my morning.
Oh, Lord .. sounds like my pineapple episode! I’m convinced it was food poisoning though the supermarket denied having any such issues.
But let me tell you this (in case you still need reminding after your horrendous experience). Are you ready? Right.
Just because something is Natural, does not mean it is Good, or even Safe.
Arsenic is natural. Just sayin’.
“And that is when all hell broke loose …
In our mouths.”
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
This could’ve been a TMI Thursday… hilarious! And btw, your comment made my weekend. Thanks so much for stopping over, darlin! <3
The Girl:
I think I am STILL suffering from drinking that! But I am glad I made you laugh that hard! 🙂
Jay:
“Arsenic is natural” ahahahahahahah
Trust me, lesson learnt!!
Lilu:
I am SO glad I found YOUR blog. I think I have to write Moog a thank you note or something! And, after I visited your blog. I thought this post would fit in the TMI Thirsday’s too. Maybe I’ll consider next weeks!
🙂
You guys are funny!
This is HILARIOUS. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this, but this was like one of those emails my friends send me that just can’t believe. Poor thing. LOL
OMG I am speechless. I can relate as I did have a very similar experience in college after ingesting a magic drink at a fraternity party that was pretty much all ever clear. That is one night that I will never forget… Feel better soon! 🙂
omfg… that is quite the story!!!!!!
You’re so lucky you are a good looking women……. because that was one nasty story to turn anyone off. Feel better and great writing.
Jackal:
Amy The Bartender and I always laugh, even at THIS.
Shae:
100% True Story!
I am glad you found this as funny as I did!
CathyWMDA:
Thanks sweety. I thought I was feeling better, UNTIL I ate food again. Seems like my body still isn’t ready for that!
LeeGro:
Thank you!
🙂
Pete:
ahahahah
So you forgive my nasty story because it was written well?
i can’t believe you didn’t dip your tongue in first for a sample of that foul concoction. yeesh! if i tasted a bit of what you described, ocean water, rotten kelp, YUCK. i would never drink it. lesson learned i hope. 😉
Oh my gawd ! I am so sorry !
But … 😆
So, umm… do you still hate The Mayor for doing this to you ?
Speaking of warning lables, there is a cough medicine sold here in Canada under the name “Buckley’s” and their slogan is: “It tastes awful. It works”.
And it does taste awful ! Even after the warning, and no matter how mentally prepared you are – It will still get you to make faces 😯 😛 😡
Maria:
If I had dipped my tongue in that? I would have had MORE than I did! I cannot stress enough HOW LITTLE we took! I will NEVER try anything like that AGAIN!
xoxoxo
Jaffer:
Oh I could never hate the MAYOR!
At least THEY have a WARNING!!
🙂
Meleah! I can’t decide whether to scold you for taking anything that is a mystery wiht your list of health stuff, or just continue laughing my ass off. How about both?
I like the third person thing and this sounds SUPER painful. I wonder what on earth this liquid was made of.
This sounds like fun Meleah, I will guzzle down some right now lol! To aid in digestion, I soak all my food in Coke the night before, drinking the thickened chicken pudding with a gargantuan straw 😯
Yikes! Are you better now? I’m sorry you went through that, but at least you got a funny post our of it.
Leslie:
You dont have to yell! Trust me, what I went through is punishment enough!
BUT! I am glad it made you laugh!!!
xoxoxo
Ricardo:
I have NO IDEA, and I dont want to know!
ahahah
Bobby:
No way! YOU DO?
Ingrid:
I am almost better, but I am still NOT 100%
*shudder!*
Moooooog35 really wishes you’d keep shit like this to yourself.
Literally.
Ouch.
Oh, that stuff must be real potent and you must have suffered… but boy, you made it SO funny! 🙂
Btw, honey, you need to buy stocks of Charmin the toilet rolls and air freshener companies. At least you get to earn dividends whenever you use them from now on.
Mooog35:
Noted.
Richard W:
It was BRUTAL!
RMH:
I did my best to make this as funny as painful!
xoxoxo
Wow what a concoction! I usually only suffer this kind of intestinal distress after too much Beer, Pizza, and wings at one sitting!!
That was a intense voyage to Uranus… hopefully, you didn’t fall into another Hollydale Wormhole? 😉
Darrin:
The only time I’ve ever suffered through something like this? Was during a Crohn’s Attack! This was a HORRIBLE experience.
MMP:
ahahahaha.
that still makes me laugh!
🙂
OMG – sure it wasn’t liquid drano!!!
Hop eyou feel better!!!!!
Stick to Vodka
Sounds like what happens when I drink Asian diet tea except without the bottom dweller aftertaste. Poor girl. Seriously. You did check the toilet for liquified missing organs, right?
Yikes! What an ordeal. I’m so glad you had your bathroom stocked and ready to go and that you were home when the waves hit.