If Only There Had Been A ‘Warning Label’ Printed On The Bottle

Okay. Um.

I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity, and tell you the story about a girl who drank what appeared to be a seemingly harmless all natural digestive supplement, and then suffered intense and severe consequences.

Ready?

[Oh, and to Moooooog35, I will be telling this story ‘In The FIRST Person’ just for you.]

I believe it was last Thursday afternoon when I decided to visit one of my favorite people ‘Amy The Bartender’ at my favorite place known as ‘KHCC.’ Amy The Bartender and I were chatting about the beautiful weather and laughing like usual.

Amy The Bartender shares the some of the same afflictions as I do, especially when it comes to dealing with heartburn. The both of us practically live on Tums and Pepcid Complete, full well knowing those are basically just masking agents to cover up our real digestive issues.

[Side bar: As many of you already know I have severe Food Allergies, Crohn’s Disease, Celiac, Ulcers, and a Hiatal Hernia, so I am quite familiar with dealing with any sort of stomach and/or intestinal ‘situation’ but I was certainly not expecting what happened.]

One of the members of KHCC, whom I adore, and who we will lovingly refer to as ‘The Mayor’ overheard Amy The Bartender and I talking about our perpetual heartburn and how annoying it is to live with.  The Mayor jumped right into our conversation all to eager to discuss a product he takes himself, on a daily basis.

According to The Mayor, this clear liquid, all natural, dietary supplement, helps promote healthy digestion, increases your energy, removes waste and toxins from your system, liver, kidneys, blood and colon. And it also has the power to relive heartburn and hiatal hernia symptoms.

Apparently, it’s filled with miracles.

Sounds awesome right?

Since I am always up for trying something new that might help me feel better, and since I trust The Mayor, I agreed to try a sample of the said miracle-working product along with Amy The Bartender.

Amy The Bartender prepared two shot glasses, one for her and one for me. Then, Amy The Bartender measured out less than half a teaspoon of the ever so innocent looking clear liquid into each glass and mixed it with some raspberry iced tea.

On the count of three, we downed our shots.

At first, it didn’t taste that bad.

But…

Only a mere three milliseconds later?

The aftertaste kicked in.

And that is when all hell broke loose …

In our mouths.

To use the term ‘intense’ would be the understatement of the year.

The best and only possible way I can compare what the taste of that drink is truly like, would be if someone were to drink a mouthful of sea-water, from the very bottom of the ocean floor, mixed with rotting kelp, and all things dead, coupled with a side of rust.

Only. Worse.

That ‘distinguished flavor’ must be some kind of an acquired taste.

Amy The Bartender said that she felt as if she had just licked ‘A Jetty’ with rocks covered in moss, conveniently located in the middle of the Dead Sea.

In an effort to remove the foulness covering our tongues, Amy The Bartender and I sucked down on lemon and orange slices. All to no avail.

The aftertaste was so powerful and so potent, I thought for sure if I spoke to anyone they would have been able to smell the offensive taste in my mouth. I was one hundred percent certain my breath could have very well been lethal for any unsuspecting individual.  Therefore, I figured it would be best for me to exit the building.

[FYI: To this very day, my taste buds are still not the same.]

I really think it would have been nice if the manufacturers at least had the decency to put the ‘aftertaste issue’ on some kind of a Warning Label. Because information like that would have been really handy BEFORE drinking their product. Yes?

In fact, they should have put a lot of things on a Warning Label. Much like the ‘Warning’ I am going to give you right now.

[WARNING: I tried to write what happened next as delicately as possible. However, the following portion of this post, is not for the squeamish.]

Now, if that wasn’t bad enough, when I came home from KHCC, the real problems began.

After dinner with my family, I started feeling the all too familiar wave of sickness brewing in my intestines. I knew the inevitable was going to happen, as soon as the beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. I had to get to the bathroom and right quick.

Thankfully, because I am used to dealing with situations like this, my bathroom had recently been stocked with the necessary supplies such as triple-ply Charmin toilet paper and air freshener.  But sometimes, no matter how well prepared one may be, there just aren’t enough baby wipes.

I spent the better part of my evening trapped within the confines of that room praying to the gods to ‘please make it stop’ and promising [via pinky swear] to never drink any sort of concoction like that ever again.

While I sat in my bathroom, sweating, in tears, and practically fainting, I wondered just how concentrated that stuff must have been, in order for three tiny little drops to have had such an influential effect on my bowels.

I sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that I may have lost a vital organ that evening, as I evacuated everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life.

I felt as if I had undergone a high colonic against my will. Not even ‘Tucks Medicated Pads’ could ease the painful burn of what felt like firewater being extracted violently.

Exhausted and utterly depleted, I managed to type out a less than coherent text message to Amy The Bartender. I had to inform her of the details to my tragic condition because I was wondering if she was dealing with the same. Fortunately for her, she was only suffering from pangs of nausea.

Amy The Bartender, proceeded to tell The Mayor exactly why I was unable to come back to KHCC that evening. Upon hearing the news, The Mayor could not get his hands on my phone number fast enough. He called several times to find out if I was okay, however, obviously, I could not answer the phone.

When I finally did make it to bed, the only way I was able to lay comfortably without triggering another round of ‘Leaky Ass Syndrome’? Was to sleep…in the fetal position.

I awoke in the morning [still suffering] to find some lovely text messages from Amy The Bartender. Which I am going to share with you – verbatim.

[And yes, Amy The Bartender sends her text messages in the third person.]

“Amy is still not feeling too well, and had bathroom issues all this morning. Amy is scared to eat anything.”

I was already cracking up before reading the next message:

“Amy wishes she had her heartburn back, and that she never drank the kelp.”

I can honestly speak for the both of us when I say, neither Amy The Bartender, nor I, will ever be the same.

And we will NEVER try another all natural digestive supplement.

[Especially ones that don’t come with warning labels.]

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go use the bathroom.

Because just thinking and writing about this, makes my stomach churn.

All over again.