Well, people.
It’s official.
I’m old.
I am old as fuck.
But I am not talking in terms of age.
I’m talking in terms of bodily functions.
I am just plain old.
Why?
Well …
It’s not just because I collect social security due to my failing health issues. And it’s not just because I receive Medicare, like people who are 70 years old, and bitch about the astronomical cost of my prescriptions.
It’s not just because I live like a retired person on a golf course. It’s not just because sometimes I might require In Home health care. And it’s not just because my knees tell me when it’s going to rain or snow.
It’s not just because I pee in my pants when I laugh or when I sneeze. It’s not just because my bowels are highly explosive and quite unpredictable, which has caused me to lose 16 pounds in the past three weeks, and I can no longer properly digest dairy products, or drink coffee. And, it’s not just because all I have to talk about are my crazy health issues and/or fecal matter; including but not limited to, shitting into a bucket, first thing in the morning.
It’s not just because I listen to the television on the highest volume, constantly ask people to repeat themselves, and shout most of my responses – because I’m practically deaf. It’s not just because I have night blindness and no sense of direction while driving. And it’s not just because I have to wear contact lenses and reading glasses.
It’s not just because I cannot remember a god damned thing unless I write it down immediately, or forget why I walked into a room, or ever seem to find my keys. And it’s not just because I have crows feet around my eyes, wrinkles on my forehead, laugh lines around my mouth, and stray nipple hair that suddenly appear out of nowhere.
And it’s definitely not just because I take more medications and spend more time in doctor offices and hospitals, wearing paper gowns, than most people who are 90, so wearing pajamas is actually like being dressed up.
Nope.
It’s because in addition to my grey chin hair and in addition to my grey pubes?
I’ve also discovered my very first grey EYELASHES.
This is it for me, y’all.
My glory days are over.
Funny how different people find different thresholds for age. This one is a first for me. Another great one is when you make more noise getting out of bed than you do when having sex…
LOL! Lucky you. I discovered my first signs of grey ages ago and now if I could spot the signs of a black hair I’d be jumping for joy!
Meleah – it’s not fair that you make me laugh while reading this.
I may not have all the aches, pains, and medications that you have…. but I have the gray hair, the stray hair, the wrinkles and the crows feet just the same. The eyelash would probably push me over the edge as well.
Meleah, you had me laughing my ass off at this entire post, girl!
Not laughing at you, but the way in which you wrote this was stellar! Love the post title and the post photo!!!
“It’s not just because I cannot remember a god damned thing unless I write it down immediately, or forget why I walked into a room, or ever seem to find my keys.”
Ain’t that the truth, because I’m same way! My memory is totally leaving me more and more each year. Last year, I couldn’t even remember how old I was – HA!
“I’ve also discovered my very first grey EYELASHES.”
Now that’s a first, because I didn’t even know that our lashes can turn grey!?!?!
However, my pubes….yes! It looks like a salt and pepper mill down there – HA!
Great post!
(((((((( You ))))))))
X
HA! “…or forget why I walked into a room,” Girl, I’ve been doing that since I was younger than you. And your “glory days” are far from over, “It’s the caring that she gives, and the passion that she shows. And the beauty of a woman, with passing years, only grows”
Thank God for mascara! And, I can only send you a virtual ((hug)) and hope that your doctors find answers and/or give you some relief for what ails you. It is beyond frustrating, I know. Remember, your mind keeps you going, even when your body doesn’t keep up.
Jesus, girl. I’m going to add you to a list, as soon as I can find it, for bionic internal body parts. I’ve only had two colonoscopies in ten years. And that’s two, too many. That cocktail sucks!
I’ve got a couple of gray eyebrows but not eyelashes. Yikes, I didn’t even think of that. Another thing to stress over. But that’s when CRS (can’t remember shit) is helpful.
Any colonoscopy is one colonoscopy too many! And I would love to have some new bionic body parts.
PS: I had no clue eyelashes could turn grey. Hope you don’t start obsessively checking the mirror!
Very true, Lucy.
And thank goodness for mascara is right!
xoxox
Thank you. I love you, Jimmy.
🙂
I had NO IDEA eyelashes could turn grey either, so you can imagine my shock and horror when I found THREE on my bottom left lid!
I am so happy you’re laughing WITH me! I intended this to be funny.
And thank you for sharing TMI too!
“My pubes….yes! It looks like a salt and pepper mill down there”
AhHAhHAHhHAhHAhHAHhHAhHA!!!!
You rock, Ron!
I am THRILLED you laughed while reading this! I laughed while writing it. It’s much better than being upset!
Here’s hoping your eyelashes NEVER turn grey!
XOXOX
lolz
Oh boy!
I did notice your toe “cleavage” was starting to sag in your new spiked heels. Maybe you are getting old. BDawg
AhahHAhahh!
I am.
I am really old!
“I am so happy you’re laughing WITH me! I intended this to be funny.”
I think it’s our “Libra” sense of humor!
“And thank you for sharing TMI too!”
You and I are the queen and king of TMI on our blogs!
And I LOVE it!
X
We really ARE the King & Queen of TMI! And I wouldn’t have it any other way!
You are absolutely gorgeous! Besides, if you are old that makes me ancient and I refuse to accept that.
Meeeeeeeeeee neither!
X
🙂
Ok, I may not be able to help you with all the medical issues, but I can help with a few of your other aging ailments. First – and I think I wrote about this once before – bangs are your friend. They hide the wrinkles on the forehead and around the eyes. Next, only wear your reading glasses when you’re reading. I haven’t seen a single grey hair since I stopped wearing mine. If you can still see them, take the contacts out too. You may end up needing a seeing-eye dog to get around, but it’s well worth it.
You’re welcome. 🙂
And this is why I LOVE YOU SOFA KING MUCH!
Awwwww! Thank you, Anne. xoxo
“It’s not just because I live like a retired person on a golf course.” YOU KILL ME!
I’m not at the gray pube phase yet… BUT…. I am a redhead… so I’m thinking I just wouldn’t see it? TMI, I know. But you talked about shitting in a bucket so I doubt you will mind.
Chin hairs. UGH! My girlfriend works at a medical examiners office. She said women lose their pubic hair as they age. I think we lose our pubic hair because it pops back in to our bodies, travels up and implants itself on the chin. I don’t THINK… I KNOW!
Oh great, so what your telling me is that my chin hair are really just my pubes?!! AhahHAhHAhHAhHAhah
Okay, so I feel older than I am reading this and I’m older than you by some years and years. And? My chin hairs are not grey. Yet. But I do love to bitch about the cost of prescriptions on top of co-pays and health care premiums. No comment on the eyes. Thank gawd for a kindle with a black screen and white letters. Hugs to you girlie. Big ones.
You can read things with a black screen and white letters? I seriously can’t.
In fact I had to stop reading several blogs because I cant read white letters on black backgrounds. And I have a REALLY hard time navigating HULU on my ROKU because that’s also a black screen with white letters.
Apparently, I can only see black letters on white pages.
You’re lucky to be free of grey chin hairs. That shit is alarming, at best!
Ahaahahahahahahha!!! Well, honey, you’ve got me beaten. I can lay claim to some of those things (especially relating to hair, knees, vision and asking people to repeat themselves) but certainly not all of them. I take my hat off to you, Meleah!
Now to make you extremely jealous. Because I have thyroid problems, according to the law as it stands here in England, ALL of my prescription medications come absolutely free!
What the what? I am TOTALLY moving there.
Oh dear, I didn’t know eyelashes turn gray. But I’m older than you and have my share of [covered] gray. I guess it’s only a matter of time. And, you are not old as $%^#, either.
Gray eyelashes has got to be a first.
I’m here from ShadowRun and boy, can I relate. In my 20’s I had crohns disease and disintegrating joints. Then I had an ileostomy so I could get OFF the toilet once in a while. Then came diabetes and a loss of eyesight. In all of this, one of the worse things happened when I lost a friend. When I asked her “why”, she said “Well…I like to DO things, and you are….well….sick.” I don’t have gray eyelashes yet….or maybe I do and I just can’t see them!
Seriously.
I had NO IDEA either! And thank you for saying I am NOT old.
Oh man, I FEEL you! I also have Crohn’s disease! And I have lost MANY friends too because I cannot got OUT. I am always home, sick.
I am so happy to have met you. And I would LOVE to be your friend!
Ok, Mel. Let me first start out that I am going to have to quit reading you early in the morning. That’s what I love about reading your posts – nothing is ever considered TMI. If grey hair is a sign of old age, I am definitely classified as an old fuck. I may not have any grey pubes (wait, let me check) but I do have that one grey eyebrow that gives me that mad scientist look. Now, what about ear hair?
And you are on your 5th Colonoscopy??? Holee shit, mija. You deserve a effin’ medal for that many trips down the path. And I thought I was bad ass with my one turn on the colonscopy ride. But after that many times, you should have a wing named after you (or at least a bathroom). Don’t sweat the grey hairs. It just make you look classy in those hospital gowns.
You leave the best comments, Agg. You always make me smile and laugh. Thank you for being such a good friend to me.
Hey, Buttercup, it’s the least I can do. Really. Anything I can do to lighten the load, count on me,
Now, if I could just find that Hallmark card….
Hey Mia! I’ve a few grey everythings, but hey, that means I;m rakish and distinguished, not old. And, having seen your video, I can assure you that “old” was not the first word that sprang to mind. It rhymes with “clubber clubber”. I’m just saying. Roth x
Thank you, Darling!!!
Not to make light of your problems, but “salt and pepper” eyelashes are VERY sexy.
That’s the best news, ever!!
XOXOXOX
I hear ya. For you, it was eyelashes; for me, it was eyebrows. Luckily, The Wife waxes – and cuts – the grey hairs out, but they keep coming back.
At my age, I’m not sure why, but the only grey hair I have is on my head. I have plenty of hair in places I don’t want it. I have long eyebrow hairs that grow the opposite direction to the others, a long hair that grows out of my ear and long hairs that grow under my chin, to say nothing of my ever thickening tash, but they’re not grey – yet 🙂
Loads of hugs !
Grey Hair….. I wish I had enough hair to go grey, I have to wear a hat on sunny days so the reflection from my head does not shine in peoples eyes.
They say your as old as you feel, personally I feel like an eighteen year old, shame the wife wont let me have one!!!
I would love to FEEL 18 years old again. But I would really hate to BE 18 years old again.
XOXOXOX