Trial? Error?

Trial? Error? Or … JUST GIVE THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!

Well well well, in my little world nothing ever goes smoothly. I still have yet to master the use of my wireless Internet connection and my cordless phone in harmony. My cordless phone cuts right into my wireless signal and kills any Internet connection. I could be in the middle of an Instant Message (IM), when my phone rings. The unsuspecting individual on the other end of the said IM conversation has no idea that my phone rang, kicking me off the Internet. No. They just think I suddenly ditched them, or that I was just murdered by a serial killer. Either way, not a fun experience for the other party, and a frustrating as hell experience, for me. I can’t even take the phone off the hook, because, that just leaves me with no Internet access / connection whatsoever. I have resorted to disconnecting / unplugging all my phones, but, then, my caller ID and my voice mail do not work. People can’t even leave a message and I have no idea who has tried calling me.

Not cool.

I was thrilled when someone had a viable answer to my dilemma over @ the hubpages CLICK HERE! Excited to finally be able use my phone and my computer AT THE SAME TIME, I waited until pay day, paid my rent, took the left over nickels in my pockets and headed out to Best Buy. (dood, you can get anything electronic over there, for like no dollars.)

I bought two phones. Two Phones! One of each of the phones that were suggested to me over on the hubpagesCLICK HERE (by the by, I must give an A+ for effort / knowledge, It has been the best info, and the only glimmer of hope I have gotten since I have had this problem!)

I bought one of the 5.8Ghz cordless phones and one of the 900mhz cordless phones. Apparently the 2.4Ghz cordless phone (which I own) is evil. Each phone was just a measly $12.49. Beat that! Love the Best Buy

I raced home in all my glory. Finally! No more getting kicked off the Internet. No more having to type fast as humanly possible in an IM conversation… “Sh*t, my phone…dood? Sorry but, I am going to …”

The abrupt ending to my IM ends up leaving the other IM-er to think they were dissed, because I didn’t have enough time to type the remainder of that sentence… “Sh*t, my phone is ringing, I am so sorry dood, but, I am going to get kicked off the Internet, let me hang up on the person calling my house, so that I may continue talking with you.” Inevitably when I do get back to the IM conversation, the other party was so offended by my disappearing act, they’ve logged off. Nice… EXCEPT NOT!

The second I got home with my proud new purchase, I ripped open the new phone boxes like it was Christmas morning. Then, I dismantled all the (evil) 2.4Ghz phones in my house. The 2.4Ghz phones were bagged, tagged and locked up forever! I had no phones, or anything else, hooked up in my house that could possibly cause any sort of wireless Internet interference.

Now for the first phone, the 5.8Ghz. I hooked the phone up in my living room, just in case. My Apple Airport (wireless apparatus) is in my bedroom. For precautionary measures, I wanted any phone line to be as far away from the Airport as possible. JCH was allowed to make the first test call, while I manned the MAC and hawkeyed the 4 bar wireless signal. As JCH dialed my parents house, the wireless signal on my MAC went down to three bars. As soon as my mom answered our phone call, no wireless bars, no wireless signal. Figures! I was totally booted from my beloved Internet. I shouted, “NOT WORKING, NOT WORKING… FUCK! NOT WORKING DAMN IT! IT’S NOT WOKING! HANG UP! HANG UP NOW. GET OFF THE PHONE … NOW…JUST HANG UP…WE’LL CALL HER BACK LATER! ”

(No, I could not talk in complete sentences. My poor mother, who was napping at the time, had no idea what the fuck I was doing, or why JCH was calling her.)

I tried one more time with the 5.8Ghz phone, and (mind you) a little less hysterical, because I still had another phone to try. This time, I didn’t rush anything. I made the phone call to my mother, while trying to access the Internet. I spent the whole five seconds explaining to my mother the little technological experiment I was undergoing. Yet the 5.8Ghz phone was still cutting into my wireless signal. I had to hang up and try the other one. She should expect another call in a matter of minutes.

On to the 900mhz. without bias, I embarked on the next phone. Surly this one would work? It even has different initials! It’s an mhz, not a ghz. That’s gotta be a good sign. Right?

Phone installed, Internet running, calling mom… NOW.

Phone Ringing: Three Bars of wireless signal (woot! Better than none!)

My Mom Answers the Phone: “ Hey! Wow! I still have THREE bars of wireless signal! I think? Yeah! I do….Wow! This is great! It’s working! 900mhz is the cure! The mystery, the horror! It’s over! Holy shit, I have three…No, wait…I have two…SHIT…Are you kidding me? I have NO BARS? … Wait…Um, now I have FOUR bars again….Wait, Now… I HAVE NO BARS… What? The? Fuck? Is this all about….”

“Meleah….. why don’t you…”

“SHHHHHHH…..Wait MOM.. .JUST WAIT… I want to see if….”

(yes I was yelling, yes CAPITOLS actually apply here)

“I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE STAY ON THE PHONE, CAN YOU DO THAT PLEASE? HUH? I HAVE NO BARS? WHY? THIS IS REATRDED!! I JUST HAD FOUR FULL BARS? WHY DO I HAVE NO BARS? WAIT, NOW I HAVE FOUR BARS….NO, NOW I HAVE NO BARS…. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS H-CHRIST…..MOM, CAN YOU JUST STAY ON THE PHONE WITH ME? IS THAT TOO HARD? HUH? I MEAN REALLY? I HAVE TO SEE WHATS HAPPENING, BECAUSE IF I DON’T FIGURE THIS OUT I AM GOING TO DIE….”

My mother sits in silence

[everyone’s question as to why I am still single has just been answered]

“DAMN IT… That’s it! I go from no bars / no wireless signal to full bars / full wireless signal”

“WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA that can’t have a wireless signal AND a Cordless phone?”

My mother interrupts my explicit rant with a subtle reminder that she in fact has a life, of which she would like to get back to… “Bye! Good luck.”

RIGHT…SORRY… MY BAD.

I now have 7 cordless phones in my house, none of which are compatible with the Apple Airport I have.

UNCLE.

FINE.

UNCLE.

I will never have a phone and a wireless access while I live here.

Or…maybe I will never have a wireless connection and a cordless phone as long as I am alive, period. I concede to defeat.

I am off to return the new phones back to Best Buy. When I come home, I am not answering any calls, nor will I be available on IM. NO.

I will go back to working ON MY BOOK, which has been neglected for far too long anyway. No need for a cordless phone or an Internet when writing!

(But, I am enjoying my weekend! Even if I am phone / Internet compatible free. No more dumb un-founded work guilt!)