My dear pal HollyGL has inspired this ‘re-post’. However it has been slightly re-written with some added new bonus material in light of my friend Anna’s comment on this post. Anna & HollyGL have managed to identify what is really bothering me. I think I know now why have been psychologically mind fucking myself the last few days with respects to the whole office department switching issue that I am dealing with. I am also reposting this as a reminder to myself. It’s nice to reread just How Far I Have Come. But, I still need to take a look at a few things I need / can work on that will enable me to get through this next chapter in my ‘career’.
5 years ago, at the age of 27, I made the decision to undergo a complete change.
I went from ‘bartending’ (amongst other things) and working nights in a smoke filled strip club, to working days in a smoke free state of the art insurance office. This was not an easy adjustment to say the least.
I went from being comfortable (wearing shorts, wife beaters, socks and sneakers – or less) to feeling terribly uncomfortable (wearing suites and dresses). I went from slinging suds and full of confidence cracking jokes to perfect strangers, to someone who was shy, timid, nervous and fearful.
This decision was not as smooth or simple as I had hoped. In fact, if I had the foresight to know the level of anxiety such a transition could produce, I would have reconsidered the entire idea all together. I never anticipated what an outsider I would feel like from the minute I set foot in an office.
I find it amazing how much society, and we ourselves, identify who we are by what we do for a living. I was a bartender. I was NOT an office professional. I mean the only job interview & job I ever had in my whole life was to bend down in front of a bar manager to pick up a napkin off the floor, so he could decide if my buttocks was ‘acceptable’ to serve his patrons.
Crossing over from one identity to another drowned me in a pool of uncertainty. In order to avoid any further internal panic attacks, I carefully placed myself on the outside of a pre-existing inner office water cooler clique, which was unlike any other atmosphere I had experienced.
The first big adjustment to working in an office was waking up in the morning. When I was bartending, I used to sleep all day. All damn day. I stayed up all night, I mean; the party didn’t start until after the bar closed some nights. Waking up at 6:30am, rather than going to bed at 6:30am, was unbearable.
Since my body has a different internal clock than the rest of the standard work force, the first clue that I was an outsider surfaced when I showed up at the office still blinking my blood shot eyeballs while everyone else in the office looked refreshed, alert, perky and alive.
Another hint I didn’t exactly “fit-in” the office environment, was the simple task of what to wear? And ‘how to?’ wear professional clothing. I walked around the office stuffed in fabrics that forced me to move robotically, while others seemed to glide effortlessly throughout the day. Suites, skirts and slacks were not exactly part of my bar wardrobe. Putting on these new clothes, made me feel like I was playing dressing up in someone else’s attire, and trying to live someone else’s life.
The next big shocker was the drive into work. Driving, for me, was a traumatic endeavor during the morning bustle. It’s hard to envision rush hour traffic, when you are so used to driving home at 3:00 am. At 3:00am, the only other cars on the road are drunks, truckers or cops. Driving on the NJ Turnpike first thing in the morning was a horrifying experience. I had no idea how many people were up and driving on the road at that ungodly hour. The pressure of lane changes, and the assholes that only drove 65mph in the left lane, filled me with anxiety before I even made it into the office. I would show up on raw nerves.
Once I did make it into the office, I was faced with another treacherous task I did not know how to handle.
When you work in a bar there are no dead-lines or computers, there are no faxes, or files. There are only shot glasses and beer mugs or directions to the bathroom. You can only imagine the overwhelming terror I felt, when I was asked to send my first fax.
Talk about feeling like an outsider, I was humiliated. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I didn’t know which way the paper faced; did the paper go up or down? Did the paper go in a tray, or did I have to lift the lid of the machine? I didn’t know if I had to dial a (1) before the fax number? I certainly did not want to ask anyone, because then they would know I didn’t belong here.
I stood over that fax machine for a good ten minuets sweating and contemplating, when a nice lady came by and saw the trepidation on my face. She gently took the paper from my hands and quietly showed me what to do with out making a big deal. I was puzzled by the fact that she didn’t laugh out loud or start to protest to the other employees that I didn’t belong there. I was sure she would have announced to everyone there was a fraud in the building.
When it came to typing, not only had I never typed a professional letter, I had never typed anything. Ever. Overwhelmed with so many keys, letters, numbers and F1-12 choices, I could only type with my index finger on my right hand. I had to search for every single letter on the keyboard. I would scream inside my head, after becoming totally frustrated, “I KNOW THERE IS A FREEKING X ON THIS KEYBOARD SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE!!” It took me practically took me an hour to type a single sentence and even with spell check the words were still incorrect.
Typing, as difficult as that was on its own, also involves grammar. This was yet another obstacle, yet another skill, that separated me from the other employees. Grammar was more like speaking in the Chinese language to me. Colon? What the hell is a colon? When do you use a colon? Why do you use a colon? Isn’t that a body part? I wouldn’t dare ask anyone other than my father (who also works in my office) for fear of making a complete ass out of myself.
During the first six months of my office employment, after being shipped to yet another department within the company my father trained me hands on. He did not accomplish a single thing for himself in the office. His whole job was reduced to answering all of my questions or making up his own questions which he would quiz me on all day. I even went with my father out to visit his clients.
I took home insurance policies to read and study. I also went out and bought a computer. The office manager gave me a disk to use at home to learn how to type. The fact that I had a computer afforded me the opportunity to send home all of the different insurance carrier’s websites to study as well.
Although I was learning a lot, and challenging myself, there was still a difficult hurdle to make it through the ‘career changing process.’ I was not able to communicate at all, on any level, to anyone.
Just thinking about having to talk to someone intimidated me. When I heard the other women talking, I thought of witty things I could say to say to join the conversation, but instead of talking with them, I doubted my ability to say what I was thinking clearly. I was so uneasy; I thought if I spoke out loud I would trip over the words before they came out of my mouth. Rather than take a chance, I played it safe. I kept my mouth shut, and as a result, I remained isolated.
I never wanted to get up from my desk to walk to the bathroom; I thought everyone was watching me. (That’s probably some ego issue I should one day consider looking at.) I was convinced everyone was talking about me. I was so insecure and struggling with the tough adaptation to this new world.
Of course, the paranoia of every one looking at me, or talking about me, was mostly in my own head. I was feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin; I kept myself an outsider by not being a part of anything office related.
I would go home at night and cry about how hard this was. I thought about how no one liked me. I would try to practice typing, or read about specific insurance coverage’s but I would get so frustrated if I didn’t get it, or understand things right away.
When I felt like giving up, I stayed up all night and thought of ways to call out of work. I even bought a medical dictionary so I could look up good excuses to use. I worried that I had made a terrible mistake. I had to convince myself, if I was ever going to make it in an office; I was making things harder than they had to be. I forced myself to put down my pity-pot and do the best I could no matter what the final outcome.
It was another six months in to the office world, a full year from starting date, when I was acclimated to the traffic, the clothes, the fax and copy machine. I was even using up to three fingers while typing on the keyboard, when I finally got up the courage to go and eat lunch with one of the other women of the office.
Guess what? Lunch wasn’t totally terrible!! In fact, it was fun!!
I went to lunch with a woman because she thought I was funny. For the first time in a year in the office I felt like I could be myself around someone. This first interaction, as trivial as it may seem, was the catalyst in my finding a comfort zone within the confines of the office. Just having that one person to relate to was a sigh of relief, and made waking up in the morning, going into work that much easier. Eventually I was able to say, “Good Morning” to people in the office if they made eye contact with me.
(I am presently waiting and looking, for that same sort of opportunity to arise wherein that defining moment I will begin to feel some level of acceptance within my new department.)
I never thought back then, I have would be gainfully employed at the same company for over five years now.
So, how much have I grown? How far have I come? Well, let’s see.
Today, I am trying my best to include myself, and be a part of the TEAM rather than remain isolated. (Although, that secret inner-water-cooler clique still very much exists.) And even though I am scared or slightly intimidated, I am REALLY making an effort to participate in the conversations that have been going on around me for the last few days. I have been a willing contributor to the chatter even though I think I sound like a moron.
Today, I don’t think everyone hates me, and I don’t think everyone is talking about me anymore.
Today, I am a Most Excellent typist.
Today, I can operate all of the office equipment with ease.
Today, I am much more confident in my abilities than I have ever been.
Today, I think I might be smart enough to figure out these new tasks being thrown in my face.
Today, I can write a well thought out, comprehensive letter; chock full of the proper ‘office speak’.
Today, I am even much better in dealing with Traffic. Yet, I have been known to loose my cool from time to time.
But here’s the kicker. 6 years later…
After all of my hard work, after all of the changes I have made, and all my growth…being out of the office for over a week, and having been unwillingly moved to a new department upon returning from vacation – I am right back to feeling just like that awkward outsider.
I feel like I am back to Square One. I honestly feel like I am going through some sort of backwards time warp. I feel like I am going in reverse. I feel like I am experiencing some sort of regression?
1. I am back living at home with The Parents (just like I was 6 years ago – but for different reasons this time around).
2. I am back in the very same department in my office that I had been promoted up from.
3. I still feel like a phony in ‘Office Attire’.
4. I am not presently able to bring home or study this New Material. (And quite frankly, I have so many other things that fill up my life, which I genuinely enjoy doing; I really don’t want to spend my evenings swimming in anything related to Insurance.)
5. I still have a tendency to freak out if I don’t “Get It” RIGHT AWAY.
6. I still struggle with grammar.
7. I went from rocking the house in The Marketing Department, where I have been for the last 6 years, to feeling shy, timid, nervous and fearful. All Over Again.
8. This time, I did not choose to make this life altering career change. This Change is an unwilling and ever so unwanted change.
9. And I will NEVER learn how to be a Day Person. I have always been, and will always be, a Night Person.
My mother told me she thinks that I may be repeating these steps in my life because I missed something or some opportunity the first Go Around?
I am scratching my head right now because I am not sure what is happening in my life, or how I got all the way back HERE? No. It’s not entirely that dramatic (as compared to Monday). But you can get the gist as to why I feel like after 6 years I am still at the starting gate.
I do know that I am not anywhere I imagined my life would be at age 33. Not relationship wise, not health wise, not career wise, not mentally, and certainly not financially.
Most people I know that are my age (and younger) are married, with homes/own property, are well settled into their careers, and complete with families of their own.
Meanwhile, I am feeling like I have failed at my attempts to secure a “normal lifestyle.”
On the other hand, I am happy to say that I am no longer having a Pity Party, or feeling sorry for myself. And in all reality yesterday was a little teeny tiny better-ish.
I realize that if I want to change the direction I fear my life is headed, than I have to get off my ass, and do something about it, rather than sit here and complain about it.
I just don’t know where to go from here? Or how to change the direction of my life? Or how to take the steps necessary to stop being a ‘victim of my circumstances’?
I guess in time I will figure the answers to those questions out.
as painful as it is ,, it is a time thing… one day you will know instinctively what the next step is.. till then,, just do the next right thing,, i know this is cliche advise,, but it wouldn’t be cliche if it wasn’t going on all around you,, and you didn’t even notice everyone else was doing the same thing……
You have come a long way. Perhaps moms is right. But this time around you don’t have to learn all that equipment. You don’t have to learn how to type, write, or wear clothing that is out of your element. So this time around you are in a better position than the first time.
Something that stuck with me was the “normal lifestyle.” Your view is so different from mine. People my age don’t get married. Most people aren’t settled down. Some have kids, some don’t. We are within a few years from each other but I know we are from two different communities. But who actually defines the norm? Why would you want to live according to someone else’s standards? You can live outside the box as long as you are comfortable. I say f*ck the norm. Be other than.
You’ll be just fine. I know you will. You’ve come a long way from typing with three fingers.
Besides, most folk don’t use the F1-12 keys. So don’t feel two ways about not being where you think you should be. Just strive to be happy and do the family thing. I think that works well for you.
But I’m just one man with one voice, sharing.
First off Meleah you need to look at how far you have come since “Those Old Days At The Bar”. Which I think you are gradually doing. You didn’t become used to THAT right away. I remember how nervous you where when you started dancing. You had the same feeling of awkwardness about “Dancing” in front of people. Meleah a “GO GO Dancer” was so foreign to you and the people who new Meleah. But it took time to get used to it like anything else. How ever that environment is very enabling as far as drinking Etc ,so you used to self medicate to make it easier. Now with this “Transition” to the “White Collar World” like you stated above, you can’t go that route. Your right everyone is fresh faced and not out all night. So you have to reach from within. That’s what you did 6 years ago and that’s what you need to do know. And you will. Just relax and know from your experience that you will do it. Why because you already did it.
Nobody says its going to be easy nothing in life is. Even these people who are married and are very successful and are financially secure are taking chances everyday and are nervous wrecks everyday about taking these risks. But that’s how they got there. You have to throw yourself out there to get what you want. You’ll get it, You have a great support system of family and friends that back you 100 % and that will always be there for you. Your not alone… Always remember that !!!And by the way that post was an incredible read. Witty smart and to the point. Could you have done that 8 years ago.
Like someone told me a long time ago, “Do you want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.” Or “Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans.” At 50+ years of age, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have the same uncertainties and apprehensions in new situations that I had in my 20s. In fact, I still think of myself as being that 20-something year-old kid…until I look in the mirror.
Change is always scary, and especially when it’s forced on us. We feel out of control and powerless. That’s perfectly normal. What I hope you are eventually able to do is celebrate the phenomenal successes you’ve had in your life.
I hope you hear this very clearly, and have no doubts: Meleah Rebeccah Hawthorne, you are an amazing person! You have faced the many challenges in your life and come out a winner. You are not unscathed, but you are unbowed. And that says a lot. As long as you keep a positive attitude and look for ways to use your strengths you will always be a winner!
And look at all the people who read your blog and fall in love with you! Isn’t life wonderful?
Paisley:
I am trying to Do The Next Right Thing. But, you and I know how awkward it is to transition into the straight life. And, then how boring and almost disappointing it is!
Urban:
When I say “Normal Lifestyle”, I think about my brothers, their wives, their homes, and their children. Now. I do NOT ever ever ever ever ever want to have another child. But that whole having a partner and owing a home thing sounds Normal to me, and…that’s something I long for.
But, yeah, I can finally type with the best of them. AND, I know what a colon is and why you would use one!
PS: I’ve accepted the fact that My Mom is 99.9% RIGHT. All The Time.
PPS: your comments and opinions are always WELCOME here.
Danny:
You’ve known me the longest out of anyone in my life, so you can truly attest to the changes I’ve made. You (as an outsider) can see how far I have come.
Hm. You are right, I could have never strung together a post like that. Not even 3 years ago. Good Point.
You know what I want to do for a living and where I’d like to be. You also know how limited my patience tends to be. So this “step backwards” is a far cry from the direction I’d like to be headed.
I am doing my best to stay focused on this situation being a TEMPORARY siatutaion. I am holding on to the IDEA that ONE DAY I will be able to live the life I dream of, complete with doing the JOB I love / want to do.
Love you dood.
Thanks for all of your support all of the time.
Lee:
I know. I know. I’ve heard that for years. And, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we cant figure out what that reason is while its happening. However, the obvious Lack Of Control and utter powerlessness is driving me mad!
The last part of your comment made me tear up
(in a good way!)
THANK YOU.
xxoo xxoo xxoo
🙂
You, of all people, should have an intimate relationship with colons.
I’m so proud of you. You can do this!
I have the utmost faith in you. It’s only natural to feel scared. Giving it some time will help. I sympathise so much. I can’t tell you how much – I hate change. Just thinking about it freaks me out. But I know you will be OK because you are an intelligent, thoughtful, conscientious person. Take care of yourself. Everything’s going to be all right.
You’re over thinking. Quit it.
Let’s look at the past.
You’ve proven that you can be and do anything that is placed in front of you. And once the kinks are worked out, you are cool.
My fear is that you are filling yourself up with worry and anguish due to all these crazy circumstances and that you will eventually make yourself really, really sick.
I really believe (from everything you share) that you are strong and vibrant and that you are very capable of overcoming any obstacle that may throw itself your way.
And I’m honestly not saying something to you that I haven’t had said to me before. I’m passing it along in love.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I know you’ll be ok.
I’m dying over here, at Momo’s comment! You are a stronger woman. Did you go back a re-read this post? Look HOW FAR you’ve come! You can and you will to continue to go forward, learning and getting to know the new job. Hang in there! xxoo
oh god i feel the same way. i had a house, a husband, & a much better outlook on life 6 years ago. inside, i am feeling like shit, a pity party every day. but somehow im always smiling & laughing. i need a shrink. you have so much power inside you. to make such huge changes for the better. my changes were for the worse. if it feels like we need improvement i guess we gotta do something about it. if you truely decide that you want something & focus on it…it will find its way to you.
Momo:
HA HA HA HA HA HA
OMG.
See….
Now THAT was JUST the kind of laugh I have needed since I had to change job positions.
XXOO XXOO
THANK YOU.
Selma:
I am hoping by the time this is all over it will make me laugh at how nervous and weird I was when I landed here. I am not a fan of change, but at least when I want to change it doesn’t suck as much, although it is still scary.
Diva:
Oh I am the biggest Over Thinker Alive. I over analyse. I over obsess. I am The Worst. Once I get stuck in my head, it takes a while to find my way outta there.
Thank you for your kind words. That means a lot to me.
Chef Mom:
Momo is the bombinatrix.
I am doing my best darling.
I just don’t want to to an Office anymore.
Any Office really.
Fanny:
I know what you mean 100%.
ps: you need a cell phone.
I miss your ass (already)!!
Definitely a good read and good reflection on past thoughts. Aren’t you glad that you have all of your personal journeys and struggles to look back on in this blog? Look how you can self reflect and see how far you’ve come all this time later. That should make you feel great seeing your progress.
This anxiety of change is bound to happen. Change is scary. Change is the UNKNOWN. I hate it. We can’t beat ourselves up about it anymore. I decided that we have push through and keep ourselves from hiding under our bed worried about how we will cope. We have to put ourselves out there (albiet scared) and eventually things that WERE new and forein and scary to us will no longer be NEW & scary. They’ll be old news and we’ll look back and say “and I was scared of that??” and laugh.
Even if you and I started our new careers at CVS we’d be nervous and scared about knowing what the aisle the preparation H can be found in or how to work the register. Shortly into our pharmacy stint we’d be old pros at it.
Let me just say this…our jobs don’t define us. We define us. I got to work because I get paid. Our lives start at 5 o’clock when the whistle blows and that’s when the real important part of our lives come into play. Time with family and time with friends and doing the things we really love and joy (like blogging or photography, etc).
You said you didn’t think you would be where you are at 33…living back at home etc. Well please feel comfort in that fact that you are not alone. I never thought I’d be 32, getting a divorce after 10 years of being together, losing my house, and worried that I may lose my job with all of the BIG CHANGES coming up. I’m trying to cope and tell myself that everything will sort itself out. The roller coaster we’re on always had an up section…it can’t be all downhill.
You’re loved by your friends and family, you’re a smart and talented writer and those are the things that matter. Don’t worry about work anymore. Just go, do your tasks, and get the heck out of there at the end of the day. Then your real life starts.
No clue if any of this helps but we need to help each other get through these kinds of things…and I’m here for you, friend.
Breathe With Me:
Oh honey. You are so dead right when you said
“Our lives start at 5 o’clock when the whistle blows and that’s when the real important part of our lives come into play. Time with family and time with friends and doing the things we really love and joy”
That is the truth. And I am very lucky to have friends like you in my Real Life that make it WORTH living.
And THANK YOU for the writing compliment.
xoxo 🙂
Breathe:
xxoo xxoo
Right back at you
But the thing is… yes, I know that in time: I will be comfortable, I will know what I am doing, and, I will probably be GREAT at this ‘New Job’.
However. Its just not a JOB I want to be doing. At All. I wish I had the resources and the time to truly persue a career in WRITING. This insurance thing just isn’t my bag.
And…. No. CVS isn’t ‘the best idea’ I’ve ever had!!
Wow! You are an awesome writer, Meleah! I hope you’ve been working on your book…have you?
Anyway, I don’t have any sage advice because I always feel like I’m starting over…and have no idea what I want to be when I grow up (remember, I’m 41), but I do have this quote to offer you. One my Mother always would recite to me whenever I felt lost:
“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
There is no “normal lifestyle,” there is only YOUR lifestyle, whatever that may be.
XOXOXOXOXO
RC
I love that quote Random Chick!
Wow, well one thing for sure is you would do well at writing. I know how you feel, I have had similar feelings and I’m glad you realized that having a pity party is not the way to go. I’m in a similar prediciment, job wise, shucks life wise, and have been thinking recently how I want to go about changing some things. I can’t tell you how to find joy in your current position, I just don’t believe in that crap, if you’re not happy there nothing is going to give you any lasting joy, but moving on. I guess you can look at it as a temporary stepping stone to get you where you want to be. Think temporary. Wish you well girl, you’re a super fab person.
Not to be mean or anything, but I am ‘glad’ to hear that someone like you–a person who is so open and seems to be so easy with dealing with people–has the same kinds of insecurities as I do. (Worried that others are ‘watching you’ walk to the bathroom, talking about you, your not wanting to go up to others and start a conversation.) I ALWAYS thought it was me, but if YOU of all people can feel this way, then there is hope for ME! 😉 You’ll get through this–and you KNOW in your heart that you will. You’ve done SO much in your life to be proud of–things will get better. Good thoughts pouring out to you. xoxo
Stop benchmarking your life against that of others. A famous Apple person said once on an important graduation keynote: “you connect the dots of your life looking back, not forward” – you already went through this exercise here in your post! see that trail of dots looking back? it calls “I have moved forward”.
Change – and pardon the following string of clichés – is the norm of everything *on* everything. We tend to fear change, and that’s understandable to some level, and I say that because there is a way to reduce the stress that usually comes along with change: focus on the things you CAN control only, don’t waste time, energy and effort on those you can’t – we are allowed to cry about the later though, it is a release tool that seldom think of freely using.
Your change came upon you uncalled for… many times it is just like that, you can’t do anything about it. Your trail of connected dots gives you a hint of the ‘stuff’ you can control, use those as a countermeasure for the unknowns in your new position, eventually they too will become part of your arsenal.
And… if *anyone* ever approaches you with a little book about a cheese that got moved (written by some Spencer guy)… offer a quick thank you but NO than you and run away 🙂
You’re doing a lot of self reflection… you are on the right track. Soon you’ll be answering your own questions.
After all that you have been through, and still managed to kick ass, I have no doubt you will be able to weather this. You are just suffering a lapse of confidence. Look at all of your accomplishments; this should be a walk in the park if you don’t let it intimidate you.
Life is always changing, nothing stays the same in the universe so it is expected that these changes would affect you in some way. Imagine how very boring things would be if everything always stayed the same. I totally agree with you on not liking change, I am exactly the same in that respect, I don’t adjust easily and I mourn for the loss of what I had but what I have learned is that so much of our lives is out of our control and we just have to grow from these experiences. Unless of course, you believe in “The Secret” in which case I suppose you believe you totally control your own life path. Not me!
I’m fairly uncomfortable in “office clothes,” though over the course of a year (or so), I’ve become more fluid and less robotic. As for speaking to complete strangers (or, God forbid, in front of many strangers), I still get very uneasy.
Glad to see you’re trying to include yourself with the pack, but you’re absolutely correct about office cliques. They do exist, and, as far as I’m concerned, they always will. What I’ve found over time, however, is that people are entirely different when alone as opposed to when they’re surrounded by their posse. They drop their guard, and they generally treat you as an actual person. There’s just something about that mob mentality that takes over sometimes…even in the best of us.
Best of luck to you-
I remember this post. You have come a long way. This is why we love you.
DUDE. DUDE. I saw your calls and I was so buried. DUDE. ok, call again when you can and I’ll pick up NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN IF I’M RESCUING BABY KITTEHS AND CURING CANCER, I WILL PICK UP. Love you…..
I promise to answer every ones comments tonight!
xxoo xxoo
Sigh . . .
OK, I’m going to say this once.
(It should be easy to absorb since this is who you are: the Meleah I know, love and gave birth to. And of course, I expect you to repeat this every day for the rest of your life — in front of the mirror, if possible. And I want you to speak slowly enough to hear every word you are saying.)
“I am a an extremely intelligent, very beautiful, and exceptionally talented woman who can handle anything that comes my way.”
If anything, Meleah, I’ve minimized that statement. You are the most resillient and unstoppable person I have ever met.
Go get ’em, Sweet Pea!!
Love, hugs & kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I can’t believe I made a fucking typo!!!!
You know, every workplace has that inner-circle-watercooler clique. My job has three or four. All rivals of each other. Its like being trapped in a freakish version of West Side Story. I try really hard to get along with everyone, but sometimes the only way that’s possible is to withdraw completely. I think you’re handling that aspect of your new office environment perfectly. Just give them time to get to know you, and they must love you. Period!
I also understand what you’re saying about feeling like you’ve “regressed”, but maybe in some way – at some level that you’re not consciously aware of – you’re just shoring up the foundation personally and professionally for a completely new start. One that you will be stepping off into from a much more studied and secure place.
As far as what “most people” your age have achieved, Meleah, trust me when I tell you – EVERYONE is different. Maybe what you think should be the way your life looks is only one in a zillion life potentials – all of which could contain the recipe for your happiness. Not to sound hokey but – and I swear this is true – nine times out of ten when I’ve had a shift in my life that eventually led to happiness, I never would have expected it in the beginning.
Seems to me like even though you’re in “the same place” you’re there at a whole new level.
Sometimes we just have to go home and I think your mom might have something there…
Your gonna knock em dead Mel. Your influence wherever you go will only make things better. Dont fret Bunny.
Good Lord I have a lot of comments to answer!!
And a zillion blogs to visit.
Wow.
First THANKS TO EVERYONE for making me feel better and helping me through this depressing rough patch. Every single one of these comments means the WORLD to me.
Okay here we go!
Random Chick:
That is the best quote EVER.
And one of The best COMPLIMENTS ever.
Thanks Grrl.
Breathe:
True Dat
Valerie:
Aww… sweety. Thank you. That is my DREAM. To be a paid writer. I wish I had the financial resources and MORE time to write my book. One day? Hopefully I will get THREE!
CMK:
I am an insecure paranoid basket case. Know ya know!
I am ‘comfortable’ with my blog buddies and outgoing in that manner because as you can attest to, I have cultivated these friendships for over a two years now. And Im sure after a few weeks I will feel LESS like everyone is eyeballing me.
Rog:
Wow. Great Points.
Dawn:
I might do too much self reflecting. Its enough already.
BobG:
Agreed.
Beth:
I have an entire post somewhere around here on my thoughts/opinions about The Secret. And you are right, I do need a change every once in a while to shake things up. Life would be boring if it was the same all the time.
Rev:
Public Speaking? *Yikes*
NO WAY ! NO HOW! NOT EVER!
I think the only clothes I will ever truly be comfortable in are my Pajamas. If I was a writer and worked from home, I would seldom “get dressed!”
Ricardo:
Love you Back!
Leslie:
Yeah. Um…
EXPECT MAD PHONE CALLS THIS WEEKEND.
xxoo
Mom:
And now I am crying. In a good way.
Thank you for your undying support.
I love you forever.
(Can I quit my job now and persue a full time writing career?)
Just Askin’
HollyGL:
I hate the water cooler crowds.
West Side Story? HA HA HA HA
I know I know. I am exactly where I am ‘supposed’ to be in my life, but, that doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it. (at least not all the time) Once I get over my OWN resistance, I am sure Ill be fine. ????
Courtney:
Agreed!
Jen (The BFF):
Roger That Monkey.
“I am a an extremely intelligent, very beautiful, and exceptionally talented woman who can handle anything that comes my way.”
1000 % agree with your momma!!! Its only been a few weeks and you are Knocking Um DEAD !!! Keep it up , This world embraces people like you !
Even though I’m a decade younger than you, I know what you mean. I’m not at all where I pictured I would be a 23, and with my birthday coming around the corner, I feel old and unaccomplished, like I’m doing nothing in my life. I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be. I figured by this time I’d have a job I like, friends, hobbies, someone to date,and looking forward to each day. Now I sleep to make the end faster. My therapist says I need to take it easy on myself and not have such impossible expectations. Maybe you do too. But I know how you feel.
Of course you will! xoxo
Well…I read your post (wish I had ‘found’ you back then) and all the comments/answers. Jobs are circular vacuums that suck the creativity and life out of everyone, and these types of ‘departmental downgrades’ are always going to exists…Having said that, at the end of the day we define ourselves by what we do with the precious time outside of work. And I think THAT is the root of your real frustration. The real issue is your sense of lack of accomplishment outside of work. Deep down you understand that this job is JUST a job and that it does not define you….but you also feel like you should have SOMETHING to show for your hard work. The frustration is at the feeling of déjà vu. But sweetie, EVERYONE is bound to repeat their lives in some way or another if they don’t decide (once & for all) WHERE they want to go and what setbacks they are willing to endure in order to get there. Where do you want to go? Be honest and don’t bullshit yourself; what do you want out of your life?
You’re bound to drown in this disappointing feeling of regression, time and time again, if you don’t have a clear (realistic and PERSONALIZED) understanding of what you want to accomplish in your life [outside of your job]. Is it owning your own house? Is it finishing your book? Is it climbing the corporate ladder? You have to figure out what exactly you want or else every setback is gonna feel MONUMENTAL, instead of what it really is: a speed bump.
Maybe, just maybe, LIFE is trying to get you ready for a bigger change…or maybe I’m full of shit. But I think you’re ready for bigger and better things.
xxoo Ana
…was that too preachy? I have good intentions. 🙂
Danny:
Its only been 4 days and yeah, I am getting the hang of it. But….I dont LIKE what I am doing! I guess I will have to recite my mothers message over and over until I beleive it.
Still Confused:
Growing up is hard to do!
HollyGL:
xxoo xxoo
xxoo xxoo
🙂
SomeGirl:
I love when you get all kinds of “preachy” on my ass!
“You’re bound to drown in this disappointing feeling of regression, time and time again, if you don’t have a clear (realistic and PERSONALIZED) understanding of what you want to accomplish in your life [outside of your job]. ”
Thats just it. I KNOW what I want to do. I dont know how to GET OUT OF HERE (any office) and INTO what I’d like to do = WRITING.
All The Time.
The Office Life is not only crushing my creative spirit, it sucks up at least 10 hours from my day. 5 days a week. And sometimes I am so beaten down from being HERE and the commute and traffic ect…That by the time I get home (where I can do what I love/write or even blog) I am way too tired / exhausted I cant even collect my thoughts, let alone WORK ON MY BOOK.
Yanno?
“(Can I quit my job now and persue a full time writing career?)”
As soon as I’m retired with 6 million dollar vacation homes in Lake Cuoma, Venice and Rome plus a villa in AnnaCapri — all with incredible views and live-in help.
Just sayin’
wow i love mommys icon!!!
Mom:
DEAL!
Jen:
Yep. Thats a Pammie Yeben!
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Okay, knowing THAT, what are you willing to EXCHANGE for that kind of life? You know you need benefits, you know you need to have some kind of income, so what are your options?? Have you looked at part time jobs that still offer some kind of health benefits? These kinds of jobs rate a negative on the enjoyment scale, BUT it can give you more time on the outside…and ultimately THAT is your goal. And guess what, this is where living with your parents comes in handy. You have the family support to take that punch to your income in order to have more time writing. Seriously, I would take the job at the CVS across the street if 1) It offered benefits. 2) My commute would be eliminated. 3) Gave me 2-4 hours more a day to do MORE WRITING.
Ultimately, the road before you is as follows: take a part time job (with benefits) that’s gonna suck BIG TIME but you’ll have more outside creative freedom –OR– stay where you are and make do with the little creative time you can carve out for yourself. In both scenarios, something is sacrificed…what are you willing to sacrifice?
Anna:
“Seriously, I would take the job at the CVS across the street if 1) It offered benefits. 2) My commute would be eliminated. 3) Gave me 2-4 hours more a day to do MORE WRITING.”
I am FOR REAL considering that. Not even joking about it.
The no commute and MORE time OUTSIDE of WORK for WRITING purposes. That is REALLY what I want to do.
Im going to check that out over the weekend. And talk with the parents about “OPTIONS.” All of them. Or what (if any) ideas they may have to get me going in the RIGHT direction.
Hang in there, woman, you can do this.
(PS: I have an older friend who quit her high paying job as a paralegal and got a job at Starbucks because they offer benefits after 90 days. She does ceramics and volunteer work now…she is the happiest person on the planet. Go figure)
SomeGirl:
Yep. See. Thats what I am talking about. Hmm….a job at starbucks sounds like a GOOD IDEA too!
I’m so thankful you revisited this…I am a newer reader of yours (thanks to a friend pointing out your blog to me) and I didn’t know your back story. My mind is reeling from the very lengthy post…I may comment more later, but it sounds like you have battled some things before and should have no problem doing it again if thats the direction life takes you.
I’ve just spent “forever” reading your post and the comments from all of your dear friends….lol!
Firstly I just want to say that I agree with absolutely everything everybody has said… especially your momma.
Secondly, I am gutted that I live so far away, ’cause if I lived any closer I would take you out for a “pie and pint” and give you a good talking too! Meleah, you are a truly amazing woman; a woman that is a true inspiration to many; a woman who is kind, considerate, has the most amazing smile, has a beautiful gift with words; a woman who has the world in her hands and, after reading the comments above, I can honestly say a woman who has the most amazing bunch of friends ever!!! That simply proves how wonderful you are.
I know exactly what you mean about not feeling “at home” in an office… I only feel really at home when I have a rucksack on my back and have left civilisation far far behind…
Meleah, whatever decisions you make and which ever directions you take, they will always be the right ones, and you can rest assured that with every step you take, there will always be a whole bunch of people who care, standing right behind you.
Big warm hugs from one of those people ~ Graham xxoo!!!!!!