T’was The Night Before High School
And All Through The House,
A Woman Was Screaming
As If She’d Been Dowsed,
With Gasoline.
Let me explain…
Over the past 14 years, I’ve had several thousand ‘Parental Talks’ with my one and only child. We’ve discussed everything under the sun. When he was younger we covered the danger in playing with matches, not to stick his fingers into electrical sockets, and why he shouldn’t talk to strangers [especially online]. As he’s grown older we’ve talked about the reasons he should wait to have sex, how he will never have to quit smoking cigarettes as long as he never starts, how doing drugs and drinking too much alcohol will ruin his life. And why he shouldn’t get tattoos. Yada. Yada. Yada.
[Side bar: Yes, I know that makes me a hypocrite. And when my son grows up if he ever becomes a parent he can be a hypocrite too.]
On the flip side, I also realize every teenager needs a creative outlet in which to express themselves. Therefore, a very long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea.
I promised my son he would always be ‘allowed’ to do whatever he wanted with his hair. He could grow it long, he could shave it all off. Hell, he could shave shapes and letters into the side of his head if he wanted. He could even dye his hair the color blue. After all, nothing can be done to hair permanently. You can either grow it back, or cut it off, or dye it another color.
Sheer Genius.
Right?
Sadly, this little arrangement came back to bite me on the ass.
And right before his FIRST DAY of High School as a Freshman.
My son decided he wanted his ash-dirty-blond-locks to be a brighter, bolder, blonder color. I was rather hesitant. In fact, I begged him to reconsider. Alas, my son is quite the negotiator and quickly reminded me of our previous ‘Agreement.’ [#damnedpromises]
As we perused the isles of the local CVS, my biggest fear was that I would accidentally turn my son’s hair orange during processing. [Because most of us women have been down that road and we all know what a traumatic that experience can be.]
Thankfully I found a box of semi-permanent hair-dye with a shade that really wouldn’t change the color of his hair too much.
See for yourself.
Before Photo:
During Photo:
After Photo:
I thought I had dodged the bullet.
I colored my son’s hair. I loved the results. And as far as I was concerned, I kept my word. [#tragedyaverted.]
However, my son was hell-bent on making some kind of ‘Dramatic Statement.’ And to be perfectly honest, he doesn’t ask for very much. A mere two days later, [also known as the day before high school] my son pouted, with rolling eyes, and desperately pleaded with me to color his hair one more time?
I reluctantly agreed.
Again.
But this time, I called in a favor from a girlfriend who just happens to be a professional stylist and master colorist.
I believe the rest of this story will be best told via ‘Photographic Evidence’ complete with ‘Captions’.
I stared at my son with my mouth ajar as tears welled up in my eyeballs. Black spots flashed before me. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating and I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My son was no longer recognizable to me. His hair looked like he was wearing a clown wig. [#ihatebozo]
My girlfriend repeatedly reassured me she was NOT finished coloring his hair. And for a brief moment I was relieved. Unfortunately, my girlfriend and I had a funeral to attend. And due to time constraints we wouldn’t be able to correct the hair-situation until much later that evening.
As I drove home I couldn’t even make eye contact with my son. I just hid my tear stained face behind my enormous sunglasses. My son on the other hand, was psyched about the orange results. Go.Figure. [#whatiswrongwithteenagers]
The minute we walked into the front door of our house, my son announced to everyone, “Okay people, I dyed my hair, and it’s all too shocking. Be prepared.”
And ‘All-Too-Shocking’ it was.
My mother reacted coolly and calmly with a simple, “Oh, my.” While my grandfather clearly stated, “What the hell? If he’s going to start high school tomorrow with hair like that? He’s going to have to learn how to fight!” [#clownsarecreepy]
At that precise moment, I began handing out heart-felt apologies to my mother for all of the things I ever did to my own hair and body during my teenage years. I sobbed uncontrollably asking her to please explain how in the world she ‘handled’ raising a kid ‘like me’. Because if I was this upset over something as simple and fixable as my son’s hair, how the heck did she deal with me running away, getting tattoos, and smoking cigarettes?
My mother laughed and tried to talk me off the proverbial ledge.
She pointed out that I probably wasn’t really that upset over his hair, but more so at the idea of him growing up and going to high school. And she was right. It wasn’t about his hair. It was about what his hair represented. And clearly, I am not prepared for this.
I went off on a seemingly never-ending tangent imagining all of the Worst Case Scenarios.
I thought, is this the beginning of the end? If he’s already acting out now, it’s only going to get worse from here. Right? Are we totally going downhill? And….holy shit, he doesn’t even want to go to this high school. He’s been unwillingly separated from his core group of friends. They are all going to a different school. So what if the new kids make fun of my son about this crazy hair color, that will severely damage his self esteem, and that will only lead to him doing badly in classes, and that will make him depressed, and then he will want to cry, except that he doesn’t like to cry, so instead he will end up stuffing his feelings by doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having unprotected sex, and then he will be so scared from the tormenting taunts he’s going to lash out and become a serial killer, and ohmygod, it will be all my fault for raising an axe murderer all because I let him dye his hair. I’m the worst parent ever. And what am I going to do when he starts to drive, and holy hell, where did all the time go? [#iamcrazy]
Then my mother reminded me of the time I dyed my hair the same exact color, at nearly the same exact age, and how I still turned out pretty terrific. She also mentioned that if this was the worst thing he was doing, I should shut the hell up and count my blessings.
I took a few deep breaths, collected myself, left the house, and went to the funeral. While I was there I really tried my very best to give my deepest sympathies. But honestly? All I could think was, my son looks like a fucking clown. MY SON LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN. And he’s starting high school tomorrow. [#killmenow]
After my girlfriend and I left the funeral we made a beeline back to my house so we could begin ‘Round Three’ Of ‘Operation Hair Color’.
And here’s how THAT worked out….
Now just insert an hour and a half of waiting time,
Hundreds of photo,
And add some ‘toner’ to decrease the intensity of yellow-ness….
And….
[*drum roll*]
Yep.
Three attempts, several panic attacks, and one complete meltdown later, my son is utterly thrilled with his new hair color.
It’s not GREAT.
But, I suppose I can live with this.
For now.
If only I could convince him to get a hair CUT?
Then we’d be in great shape.
So tell me people.
What’s The Worst Thing You’ve EVER Done : To Your Hair? Or To Your Parents While You Were A Teenager.
Or Both?!
I started out with hair color too. Dying my naturally blonde hair to auburn. My father wanted to harm me.
I'm just glad he's not tattooed ….yet!
It could be worse, I had a modified Mohawk in high school. Which means I had very long hair and shaved the sides of my head but only to the back of my ear- not all the way down to the back of the nape of my neck. My mother was very upset about me shaving my head. Here's the weird part- I actually think about getting a mohawk again now- I think about how funny it would be to show up to church a huge liberty spike mohawk… I liked the orange hair- it was more rebellious looking. The blonde finished product eh, it's okay- but your son looks like he is ready to play Ken Doll for Halloween.
Im not psyched about either.
But as long as HE is happy I'll learn to live with it.
I think I would PREFER if he had a Mohawk!
My son colored his hair too. Only, two high school girls did it in our basement. We are Italian, I mean really, really Italian. My son has dark brown hair with the olive skin, dark brown eyes and dark brown eyebrows. You get my drift. They tried to make him BLONDE. Yeah, um, it was bad, very very bad. We paid out the wazoo to try and fix it. The stylist was kind and suggested to just shave it but my son said no way.
Now, the going off to High School, I hate to break the news but enjoy these four years they truly fly by and you will be blinking your eyes and he will be graduating and heading to college. Savor every second!!!
This was a good one, loved the photos, especially the one where he looks like Ed Grimley! It looks like it all came out okay in the end. If this is as bad as it gets, consider yourself lucky. I was a holy terror as a teen. Just one of the things I did in my youth along with my brother was burn our neighbors lawn down. I was such a horrible kid when I did get older I decided not to have children. And I've never regretted it either. It sounds like you have a good son there, so count your blessings and good luck with the high school years!
this was FREAKING hilarious. enjoyed every word of it! you know my favorite line though, right?
[Side bar: Yes, I know that makes me a hypocrite. And when my son grows up if he ever becomes a parent he can be a hypocrite too.]
brilliant and the truth.
i like his final hair color. hey maybe your friend can help me, my gray hair is orange, well it was before I colored it myself. i got tired of looking like bozo the clown.
Reading this after watching you go through it was pretty damn validating!!!
So, what was the worst thing I ever did to my parents? Hmmm, coulda been the smoking, or the drinking, or the tight/revealing clothes, or the revolving-door boyfriends, or the staying out late, or the skipping school….
LOL, I think my parents would have been happy if all I'd done was dye my hair! And I'm sorry, but I really like your son's finished look. 🙂
I guess my teenage years were mild to my parents, besides the usual discussions about who had the right to get their way/opinion in I can't think of anything note worthy. I did grow my hair shoulder length, but I was already 34 years old… perhaps had it been 20 years earlier I would have shocked my father more than anyone else 🙂
Great post Meleah
I once cut mine pretty short, and as someone with a big round face, it looked HORRIBLE. I mean, it was worse than the time the dye came out dark purple.
I've never really done anything radical with my hair. I changed my hairstyle in the 7th grade. I've kept the same basic style since then.
Brava! What a GREAT story, Meleah! You had me CRACKIN' UP through this entire post! Loved the photos and captions!
Honestly, I've gotta tell ya….I really like the results of his hair coloring. Being an ex-stylist myself, I've done a TON of different things to my hair. Some came out well and others were a disaster! The worst thing was when I highlighted my hair and didn't leave the bleach on long enough, so my hair ended up BRIGHT orange. Kinda like Ronald Mc Donald. I ended up cutting it real short and using a temporary rinse until it grew out. My hair grows fast, so it didn't take very long.
“T’was The Night Before High School
And All Through The House,
A Woman Was Screaming
As If She’d Been Dowsed,
With Gasoline.”
Bwhahahahahahaha!
Great post!
X
P.S. Ironic, I also went to a funeral this week.
Isn't that what kids are supposed to do, Give us gray hair? Make us feel older?
At least it wasn't a tatoo or nose piercing.
He looks pretty good at the end, but, for a while there, he did have a career going with Barnum & Bailey.
My biggest change was when I left for college with shoulder length, nappy/oily hair and joined the corps and had my head shaved. I seem to recall that was around the same time my mom took up drinking…
I completely would do that to my hair NOW, but my stylist won't let me! My motto is “Dye my hair in a way that NO one would ever mistake it for my natural color!” (Although, I'm blond now and it looks completely natural.) I asked for black hair once, but she stopped me from doing THAT–and it probably was a good thing.
I think the reason I'm 'rebelling' now is because I never did when I was in school. Hey, you have to do it SOME time, right? 😉
I liked the orange hair a lot, but he's clearly a “Winter” and it didn't go with his skin tone. Blonde's not right, either, but, hey, he's a kid. What's he know? I was an idiot then, too. Still am, in fact.
And, no, I'm not gay. I just remember that whole “Color Me Beautiful” thing for some reason.
Ha ha ha ha hahhhhh! *is this the beginning of……….and holy hell, where did all the time go?*
I think his hair looks good. Only the eyebrows give away the fact that it’s not natural.
I don’t think any of us shocked our parents. My mum bleached and dyed her hair all the time, so it was natural that we all would as soon as we were able – and we did 🙂
.-= Babs´s last blog ..A nice bowl of pea soup anybody =-.
I am so glad you made him fix the orange LMAO ~ He looks great ! I love love love love it.
Does anal bleaching count?
Meleah, once again you managed to touch on the full spectrum of human emotions, fears, and life's challenges thru one of your stories. Hell, U even managed to to touch on one of man's oldest fears, … “the clown”… I can hardly wait for you to finish your book. Keep on writin' and bloggin'… You definitely have been 'blessed' by the Literary Muse.
I have the same deal with my girls. As a bystander, I think he looks great. I like the color. I bet he will do great in high school!
ive always said the same thing about my son… that he can do whatever he wants with his hair when he gets older. i never had that option as a kid, and i'll let me sone have it.
i love the do'. he looks like SPIKE from Buffy.
Well it wasn’t just YOUR comment that made me realize how DARK his eye brows are! I think it’s the light color of his hair making them so much more obvious!
Sounds like his orange hair may have given you a few gray ones. 😉
I will savor every second!
I know HS will fly by – because Middle School felt like I blinked!
I was the TERROR child too! And now I'm scared my son might take after me!
I hate his hair, but I think if I act like I like it, it will be less
painful for all of us!
And I'm sure my friend Tiffany can/will do you hair!
Love You Mom!
Thank god I have you to help me get through the next few teenage years!
Thanks Nicky,
I'm glad SOMEONE likes his finished hair!
And I was THE WORST child from ages 7-30!
I really don't know how my mother put up with me!
Thanks Rog!!
🙂
Yikes!
Really? You've had the same hairstyle for that many years?
I love making you laugh Ron!
And, yep. I know that BOZO look. Not pretty!
I wish my son would cut off his hair,
I think this blond color would look so much better all short and spikey!
I think my comment disappeared ??
” I seem to recall that was around the same time my mom took up drinking…”
Ahahahahahah!!!
Yep. I suppose my son is only doing his job as a teenager!
And I am really TRULY lucky its just HAIR we're dealing with!
Hell Yes! It's better to rebel later than NEVER!
xoxoxox
I wish he left his head alone.
Oh well. This wont last forever!
Thanks Robbie.
That orange was just too upsetting for me.
And, I still think the blond is too much!
xoxoxo
YES!
Ahahahahahhaah
AW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dawson, that was the BEST compliment I've gotten from anyone in a REALLY
long time. Thank you. Thank you my friend!
xoxoxoxoxo
Thanks Anne
Thanks Slyde!
And I, glad my son has a way to express himself that isn't too damaging!
Too many!
Can you see it now?
When I was a senior in HS, my hair was down to my shoulders. My dad was a Navy veteran, never let his get very much longer than regulation, so it absolutely drove him nuts. We had many a battle over that.
What a totally adorable kid. The girls are going to love him no matter what color his hair is. Now THAT's something you should be worrying about. 😉 I entered high school with my hair bleached silver and ratted sky high with a can-a-day of Aqua Net on it. He'll survive, and so will you, Mom.
I bet!
OMG! Jayne. Thank you. And by the way, Aqua Net rules!
He looks SO cute! Seriously! The girls are gonna love him! Why are you so worried?
The worst thing I ever did was let my friend (in beauty school at the time) bleach my hair, then cut it into some crazy thing with spikes on top and long in the back. It was the 80's. I had the she-mullet. This happened just a few months before my sister's wedding in which I was a bridesmaid. Luckily, it grew out enough for me to make it somewhat presentable by the time of the wedding.
And don't even ask me about the perms I used to get!
I used to sneak the car out after my mom went to bed – with only a restricted license – and go to bonfire parties on the beach. Too many opportunities for catastrophe there… I think your son is adorable regardless of his hair color. He's a smart kid, Meleah. You've prepared him well for life. You can exhale. He's going to be just fine.