Status Updates

I haven’t the slightest idea how to wrap all my thoughts into an actual blog post that will tie together coherently. So. I will be doing this post similar to the format of my beloved ‘Facebook Status Updates.’ Except…with longer explanations.

Meleah and ‘Amy The Bartender’ cannot get the new McDonald’s commercial “Give Me Back That Filet O’ Fish” commercial out of our heads – for the past however many days. [Seriously people how ‘catchy’ is that tune?] Meleah contemplated eating that very sandwich until her friend Michael pointed out that sandwich would probably make Meleah violently ill since there is no fish ‘species’ named fillet. [If have not seen that commercial, feel free to click here at your own risk.]

Meleah went to two wakes and a funeral in one week, and she thinks that’s two wakes and one funeral too many.

Meleah discovered during times of tragedy she had no idea what to say or do and therefore she will inevitably say or do the wrong thing. Meleah suffers from ‘Foot In Mouth Syndrome’ and she needs to learn how to shut her face. Meleah also really wishes there were a book called ‘Funerals For Dummies’ because that would have been really handy last week.

Meleah is really happy that last week is OVER.

Meleah had an unexpected ‘re-union’ with a bunch of childhood friends and she was pleasantly surprised when seeing people she had not seen in twenty years. Even though Meleah did not like the circumstances surrounding this unexpected reunion, she hopes to see many of her old school friends again, and in the near future, and under different circumstances.

Meleah’s left foot had been bothering her off and on for over a month and her primary care physician said it looked like there was bleeding under the skin. When she asked him if this was cause for concern he gave her some cream and told her to call a podiatrist. Um?

Meleah woke up one day with a pimple on her chin, and by pimple she means cyst, and by cyst, she means goiter. Since the goiter is still residing on her face she decided to stop fighting it and just name it already. Meleah and Steve have been living happily together ever since.

Meleah is waiting patiently for the layer (or layers) of skin that were treated with a high frequency laser by her dermatologist and subject to the tanning salon on ‘The Same Day’ to peel off. She is hopeful that treatment will reveal younger healthier new skin. Minus Steve.

Meleah has been spending an excessive amount of time at her local Country Club and laughing a lot. She has become quite close with some of the golf members. And Meleah has a developed an extensive repertoire of inside jokes with Amy The Bartender. For instance, when Meleah showed up at KHCC around noon on Saturday, Meleah was instantly confused as ‘Paddington Bear’. (Meleah’s attire was in part to blame. Her wardrobe consisted of matching Burberry scarf and earmuffs along with her now famous Star-Wars-Esque snow boots, and bright yellow sweat pants.) Meleah was identified as ‘Paddington Bear’ by Lou ‘The Golf Pro’ who was just as disorientated by Meleah’s arrival prior to 3 PM. Amy witnessed Lou’s classic expression as he leered curiously over Meleah’s shoulder unsure if it was in fact Meleah or the cartoon character he as so fondly grew up with.

There are a few guys in Meleah’s life that she may be interested in romantically. They are as follows:

There is ‘The Teacher’ also know as ‘The Blind Date Guy.’ Although after the only date they ever went on, she has not seen him in person as he works many hours after school as a coach. She has only been able to communicate with him via text, email, and FB-IM’s. Blind Date Teacher Man did invite her out to a movie and dinner on several occasions, but for the aforementioned personal reasons Meleah was unable to attend.

There is ‘The Guy Who Owns A Few Rita’s Italian Ice’s’ who is divorced and conveniently resides inside my complex. Meleah has spent time with The Rita Ice guy at the local Country Club a few times and has been invited to join him for ‘Dinner and a Movie’ one evening during the upcoming week. Meleah has not decided weather or not she will attend this date. Meleah thinks it’s more important to redirect her focus back to writing and finishing her book. Yes?

Then there is ‘The Goodfellas Guy’ whom she can’t and won’t really talk about. But Meleah thinks the way he talks is very humorous because he sounds like he walked right off the set of the movie ‘A Bronx Tale’ and Meleah has never heard anyone talk that way in Real Life.

[All of these ‘new men’ are making Meleah wonder why all of a sudden she is attracting ITALIAN guys when all her life she has been a beacon for IRISH doods. She thinks this is a refreshing change.]

And finally, there is ‘The Guy Who Looks Like A ‘Hot Cop’ (even though Meleah is pretty sure he is not involved in law enforcement) And That Same Guy Thinks Meleah Is So Funny She Should Have Her Own Reality TV Show’.  Fake Hot Cop Guy plays golf on Sundays and laughs at almost everything Meleah says. But, Meleah does NOT know if he is even single or available.

In other news…

Meleah dropped her cell phone last week, which caused the flip top to come loose. In an attempt to salvage her phone she exercised delicacy when opening and/or closing the said broken cell phone. She considered using duct tape to temporarily fix the situation, but then she realized she wouldn’t be able to open or close her phone at all. Meleah also declined to duct tape her cell phone after she was made aware of the fact there was nothing ‘classy’ about it.

Meleah thought it was funny to show people just how her cell phone flip top was dangling by a thread. That was until the entire top cracked off rendering her phone completely useless. Meleah went into full-fledged panic attack mode when she was unable to retrieve any of the stored phone numbers on her cell phone.

Eventually Meleah was relieved to find out Amy The Bartender is also a T-Mobile Cell Phone subscriber. Amy allowed Meleah to put her SIM card into Amy’s cell phone to collect Meleah’s phone numbers.  Meleah was successful and rescued all of her contacts. Unfortunately for Amy, she was an unwilling recipient that accidentally downloaded 700 of Meleah’s phone numbers into her phone. When Meleah’s SIM card was in AMYS phone, Amy cell phone began having seizures when her phone received in excess of thirty text and/or voice mails intended for Meleah. Amy’s expression was pure comedy and totally priceless when she ‘missed a call’ from a number titled ‘b-dawg’ obviously, not one of her friends.

In order to make amends Meleah spent half of Saturday cleaning out Amy’s cell phone and deleting unnecessary numbers.

Meleah is currently desperately in need of a new cell phone and she is taking bets on how long it will take her to ACTUALLY get a new one.

Meleah did not get any writing done on her book last week since she was consumed with pressing personal issues, but she is looking forward to forging ahead with Chapter Six this week.

And.  That’s A Wrap.