I haven’t the slightest idea how to wrap all my thoughts into an actual blog post that will tie together coherently. So. I will be doing this post similar to the format of my beloved ‘Facebook Status Updates.’ Except…with longer explanations.
Meleah and ‘Amy The Bartender’ cannot get the new McDonald’s commercial “Give Me Back That Filet O’ Fish” commercial out of our heads – for the past however many days. [Seriously people how ‘catchy’ is that tune?] Meleah contemplated eating that very sandwich until her friend Michael pointed out that sandwich would probably make Meleah violently ill since there is no fish ‘species’ named fillet. [If have not seen that commercial, feel free to click here at your own risk.]
Meleah went to two wakes and a funeral in one week, and she thinks that’s two wakes and one funeral too many.
Meleah discovered during times of tragedy she had no idea what to say or do and therefore she will inevitably say or do the wrong thing. Meleah suffers from ‘Foot In Mouth Syndrome’ and she needs to learn how to shut her face. Meleah also really wishes there were a book called ‘Funerals For Dummies’ because that would have been really handy last week.
Meleah is really happy that last week is OVER.
Meleah had an unexpected ‘re-union’ with a bunch of childhood friends and she was pleasantly surprised when seeing people she had not seen in twenty years. Even though Meleah did not like the circumstances surrounding this unexpected reunion, she hopes to see many of her old school friends again, and in the near future, and under different circumstances.
Meleah’s left foot had been bothering her off and on for over a month and her primary care physician said it looked like there was bleeding under the skin. When she asked him if this was cause for concern he gave her some cream and told her to call a podiatrist. Um?
Meleah woke up one day with a pimple on her chin, and by pimple she means cyst, and by cyst, she means goiter. Since the goiter is still residing on her face she decided to stop fighting it and just name it already. Meleah and Steve have been living happily together ever since.
Meleah is waiting patiently for the layer (or layers) of skin that were treated with a high frequency laser by her dermatologist and subject to the tanning salon on ‘The Same Day’ to peel off. She is hopeful that treatment will reveal younger healthier new skin. Minus Steve.
Meleah has been spending an excessive amount of time at her local Country Club and laughing a lot. She has become quite close with some of the golf members. And Meleah has a developed an extensive repertoire of inside jokes with Amy The Bartender. For instance, when Meleah showed up at KHCC around noon on Saturday, Meleah was instantly confused as ‘Paddington Bear’. (Meleah’s attire was in part to blame. Her wardrobe consisted of matching Burberry scarf and earmuffs along with her now famous Star-Wars-Esque snow boots, and bright yellow sweat pants.) Meleah was identified as ‘Paddington Bear’ by Lou ‘The Golf Pro’ who was just as disorientated by Meleah’s arrival prior to 3 PM. Amy witnessed Lou’s classic expression as he leered curiously over Meleah’s shoulder unsure if it was in fact Meleah or the cartoon character he as so fondly grew up with.
There are a few guys in Meleah’s life that she may be interested in romantically. They are as follows:
There is ‘The Teacher’ also know as ‘The Blind Date Guy.’ Although after the only date they ever went on, she has not seen him in person as he works many hours after school as a coach. She has only been able to communicate with him via text, email, and FB-IM’s. Blind Date Teacher Man did invite her out to a movie and dinner on several occasions, but for the aforementioned personal reasons Meleah was unable to attend.
There is ‘The Guy Who Owns A Few Rita’s Italian Ice’s’ who is divorced and conveniently resides inside my complex. Meleah has spent time with The Rita Ice guy at the local Country Club a few times and has been invited to join him for ‘Dinner and a Movie’ one evening during the upcoming week. Meleah has not decided weather or not she will attend this date. Meleah thinks it’s more important to redirect her focus back to writing and finishing her book. Yes?
Then there is ‘The Goodfellas Guy’ whom she can’t and won’t really talk about. But Meleah thinks the way he talks is very humorous because he sounds like he walked right off the set of the movie ‘A Bronx Tale’ and Meleah has never heard anyone talk that way in Real Life.
[All of these ‘new men’ are making Meleah wonder why all of a sudden she is attracting ITALIAN guys when all her life she has been a beacon for IRISH doods. She thinks this is a refreshing change.]
And finally, there is ‘The Guy Who Looks Like A ‘Hot Cop’ (even though Meleah is pretty sure he is not involved in law enforcement) And That Same Guy Thinks Meleah Is So Funny She Should Have Her Own Reality TV Show’. Fake Hot Cop Guy plays golf on Sundays and laughs at almost everything Meleah says. But, Meleah does NOT know if he is even single or available.
In other news…
Meleah dropped her cell phone last week, which caused the flip top to come loose. In an attempt to salvage her phone she exercised delicacy when opening and/or closing the said broken cell phone. She considered using duct tape to temporarily fix the situation, but then she realized she wouldn’t be able to open or close her phone at all. Meleah also declined to duct tape her cell phone after she was made aware of the fact there was nothing ‘classy’ about it.
Meleah thought it was funny to show people just how her cell phone flip top was dangling by a thread. That was until the entire top cracked off rendering her phone completely useless. Meleah went into full-fledged panic attack mode when she was unable to retrieve any of the stored phone numbers on her cell phone.
Eventually Meleah was relieved to find out Amy The Bartender is also a T-Mobile Cell Phone subscriber. Amy allowed Meleah to put her SIM card into Amy’s cell phone to collect Meleah’s phone numbers. Meleah was successful and rescued all of her contacts. Unfortunately for Amy, she was an unwilling recipient that accidentally downloaded 700 of Meleah’s phone numbers into her phone. When Meleah’s SIM card was in AMYS phone, Amy cell phone began having seizures when her phone received in excess of thirty text and/or voice mails intended for Meleah. Amy’s expression was pure comedy and totally priceless when she ‘missed a call’ from a number titled ‘b-dawg’ obviously, not one of her friends.
In order to make amends Meleah spent half of Saturday cleaning out Amy’s cell phone and deleting unnecessary numbers.
Meleah is currently desperately in need of a new cell phone and she is taking bets on how long it will take her to ACTUALLY get a new one.
Meleah did not get any writing done on her book last week since she was consumed with pressing personal issues, but she is looking forward to forging ahead with Chapter Six this week.
And. That’s A Wrap.
Girl, this post had it all! So funny, save for the very sad wake part. And the Paddington Bear part, and the broken phone part and the Goiter Steve part, Let’s hope next week is better, minus all this crazy stuff that only seems to happen to you. But then again, they make for priceless posts. Happy Sunday!
Very funny post. I like Meleah in the third person.
Based upon all that happened to you this past week, it sounds like you had your own reality show going (Life off the Pole?). Keep up your sense of humor. It keeps us all sane. And remember, duct tape is the magical fix for everything…
Kathy:
Im so glad you are laughing with me!
I did have a miserable week, so I needed to make it funny!
xoxoxo
Agg79:
I like Me in the Third Person too, except that I find myself taking and thinking in the Third Person in Real Life. Oh and duct tape is awesome!
🙂
That’s the best kind of post to read on a Sunday morning. I say go on a date with all of them and ask a few yourself. 🙂
Sorry to hear about the wakes and funeral, always difficult events.
And as for the duct tape, I am sorry to say that proper use of said tape is reserved only to Mexicans; others may attempt at it and get somewhat good results, but for excellence and ingenuity on the Duct Tape 101? we rule 🙂
Good post Meleah, the days shall turn to the better!
Haha, how’s Steve doing lol! Sorry to hear about the stress you went through last week. I could some of the info through Facebook and Twitter. It’s unfortunate that funerals bring old friends back together. But when would you see them otherwise?
I hope you’re out getting your new iPhone right now so I could win the bet on Facebook that you’d get your phone by noon your time, which is in another half hour lol.
As far as your dates go all I can say to them is lucky bastards! 🙂
I think anyone who’s ever experienced the death of someone close to them understands that its all about the intention of the people expressing condolences, not the verbiage. …and how easy it is for someone who is trying desperately to say the “right” thing to trip up. If the person in mourning doesn’t get that, then they need to.
As for your post, it is easily one of the best you’ve ever written. I’m completely serious. I found myself thinking that this was the type of book you should write once you’re finished w/Off The Pole. Do you know how diffficult it is to effectively wright “funny”?
Courtney:
We’ll just have to see about that!
🙂
Rog:
Duct Tape rocks.
Meleah think it IS ‘CLASSY’
Rolando:
No, I still do NOT have a new cell phone. Maybe I will get to that on Monday?
Steve is finally starting to go away! Yippppeee
Stephanie!
You think this is one of the best posts I’ve written? That is AWESOME. I was worried people who were ‘not there’ wouldn’t find this as amusing! Writing FUNNY is tough to do! That’s for sure. Maybe one day I will get around to writing a funny book.
Haha ! You funny funny woman ! You sure had a weekful of little events.
So far the good part of my Sunday was the morning pee.
You have to write more on the goodfellas guy. This is great material.
I see you too have a mixologist and that is great. I wish there was a country club I could roll at to occupy my time.
Jaffer:
Meleah is glad you enjoyed this post!
🙂
Ricardo:
Goodfellas Guy is hilarious to hang out with. I really feel like I am on the set of a movie when he talks. Amy The Bartender is my favorite mixologist of all time.
thanks for the update, i laughed and smile and chuckled all the way through, except for the funeral part, but now i so want to write a book called Funerals for Dummies. are you sure that has not been published yet. i’ll go look after i leave here.
i’ve had some things growing on my chin as well and in the past i have named a few, but i have cream now. i’m zapping the mother uh suckers.
LOVED this post…and now must comment.
Funerals, while extremely serious and sad events, CAN have their black-humor moments. When my brother-in-law–identical twin to my husband–died, several people suffered from foot-in-mouth disease. There was the person who told my husband it looked ‘just like him’ laying in the casket. And the person who ‘knew’ s/he could tell the difference between the twins ‘if only K was standing here next to you.’ During this entire time, my hubs was holding my hand–very tightly. I don’t know how I still HAVE a hand. :/
I still must say the the fillet of fish commercial IS annoying after hearing/seeing it at EVERY single break during the last 3562 or so hockey games–that means I have seen the commercial going on 69428 times so far. McDonald’s in the US–at least here in Michigan–has decided that hockey is cool. They have known THAT for years at the Canadian McDonald’s. 🙂
I still am having MY breakouts on my face. Not good to have 16-year-old tendencies when you can’t accept dates!!
And about dating: I agree with whoever said it (I’m too lazy to look) and go out with these guys and have a good time! No one said it is a forever thing–just have fun in your life. You deserve it.
I don’t need to hear about you getting a new cell phone because it makes me get new cell phone fever. I already HAVE new desktop AND laptop fever, I DON’T need new cell phone fever too!! 😉
You’re sounding great–it is good to hear. (Sorry this was so long.)
Valerie:
Oh yeah, In addition to “Steve” Meleah also has several chin hairs which only accent Steve’s presence. *Not Hot*
Please write the book ‘Funerals For Dummies’ because I cannot do another one with out some serious advice! Thanks in advance!
CMK:
First of all, OMFG at your brother in laws funeral.
I didn’t do anything THAT bad!
WOW!
Second, that commercial IS annoying as all hell, but I cant get away from it, nor can I get it out of my head whatsoever. Its like Chinese Water Torture.
Third, I think I am having breakouts because I didn’t have any in highschool.
Forth, I am all about having a good time right now. I might as well ENJOY being single right?
Fifth, lets get iPhone together? Im sure that was no good for your electronics fever but seriously! (Oh and I also have I need a new macbook fever)
Sixth, your comments are NEVER too long.
xoxoxoxoxo
This post seriously cracked me up. Good idea Mel. I remember most of these updates. LOL.
“Meleah discovered during times of tragedy she had no idea what to say or do and therefore she will inevitably say or do the wrong thing.”
Ditto, which is why I’ve largely learned to say nothing. Just nod your head and look sad.
For some reason, the guy returning the drill in that McDonald’s commercial reminds me of Speedy. 😉
JenR:
Oh please, Amy and I were cracking up while I was writing it.
🙂
DCR:
Yeah, I need to learn how to Shut My Face!
But, now that you mention it that guy working the drill reminds me of Speedy too!
That sounds like an eventful week. I’m very sorry for your loss!
I haven’t heard the McDonald’s add and I’m retraining myself from watching the link. I’m pretty sure I don’t want that tune running through my head. lol
I’m still betting on Monday 10:51am is when you will have a new phone.
I love this format and the third person descriptions! Hilarious!
No one should have to attend two wakes and a funeral in the same week. I’m sorry.
Way to find the silver lining with the pimple/boil/goiter situation. Steve! That’s priceless.
Personally, I would not complain about being pursued by hot italian guys! Make the most of it!
Colin:
My week was a nightmare, but at least I held on to my sense of humor!
Monday @ 1021 am huh? We’ll have to see if I am awake that early! And yeah, DO NOT click that like unless you like being “Tortured”.
🙂
Terri:
It was fun to write in the Third Person! And, I did my best to find humor in all of the situations plaguing me this week! But STEVE has got to go!
xoxoxo
First of all, I’m sorry for your loss (going to wake and furneral). Ouch.
Btw, when the opportunity presents itself, do go out on a few dates and enjoy yourself. Writing is important, but so does your life.
I am sorry about the wakes and the funeral. Everyone finds it hard to know what to say, hon. It’s a tough situation to be in.
The rest of your post was priceless, hilarious, first class Meleah. I haven’t laughed so much in ages. I like the sound of Hot Cop Guy; but then I’ve always been a sucker for a man who potentially could be in uniform. Too funny!!
I broke my hand and had to learn to masturbate with only one.
Plus, typing sux now.
Yeah.
YOU had a bad week.
You’ve found a wealth of humor despite a plethora of problems.
Try saying that 10 times fast.
I’m lucky to get one somewhat funny anecdote per MONTH, honey.
A piece of unsolicted advice for funerals: just say “I’m really sorry” and leave it at that. Everyone feels like they don’t handle those situations well – you’re not alone. Unfortunately you’ll be going to a lot of funerals over the course of your life and you’ll be getting quite a lot of practice.
I think this post is so clever! I love your status updates!!!
I needed some laughter…most of it anyway. Thank you! 🙂
RMH:
Thanks honey
I agree having a life is just as important as my book!
Selma:
OMG! I totally have a “thing” for COPS too!
xoxoxo
Mooog35:
LOL LOL
I know. You are having a rough one too!
Richard W:
I did my best to make an awful week less miserable.
Dont remind me that I will be going to more of Funerals.
Heather OSB:
Status Updates Rule
Mark:
Im glad yo laughed!
lol… i laughed so much… take care mate… cheers…
I knew I smelled vintage over here- dressing like paddington bear is cute. Looking like padding bear naked is not.
I am not saying you look like paddington bear naked- I am strictly speaking about shirtless Wisconsin men who need to wax and lay off the beer. They like to hang out half naked at the park when it gets warmer.
I hear it’s spring already – when summer comes I may have to poke out my eyes.
Sorry about all the funerals. Bummer.
Had to add to my comment:
Despite the fact that the fillet of fish commercial IS annoying, I have to consciously stop myself from singing along. K would NOT let me get away with doing that 428 times during every game! And I must admit this: we own a Billy Bass. NOT the original, but the Christmas version. Yeah, we’re dorks. 😀
Arv:
he he he
Michelle G:
I *love* Paddington Bear!
CMK:
See! That is what I am talking about. I cant stop singing it. Or get it out of my head. I cannot believe you OWN the fish! LOL.
Poor Amy The Bartender went ahead and bought the damn sandwich in hopes of making the song leave her brain, however, all she ended up was with a very bad stomach ache.
ha ha! That was funny! Has Steve, the goiter gone yet?
Sounds like it was quite a week! Paying respects to those who are grieving is always difficult. If anything, a “I’m sorry for your loss” is adequate. In my experience, just being there and give a hug or a smile is enough.
As for Steve, we’ll hope that his visit is brief and leaves no mementos. 🙂
Babs:
I need to get a DIVORCE from Steve!
Lee:
Thank you my Internet Father.
🙂
What a week for you. I need a nap now. I put my foot in my mouth all the time, in fact I may have in the email i sent back.
Chose all the guys…what the heck!
Have a good week, M.
Donna
Quite a week for you! Poor thing! One wake is more than enough and even that is too many in my opinion. I’m so sorry to hear about all the loss. Sorry I’ve been absent lately but I am also having a rough time finding the time to blog these days now that I’m going back to school. But I will keep checking in whenever I can! Hugs to you!!!
Diva certainly picked the proper day to return to blog world to catch up with the juicy stuff going on. 🙂
Italian guys are yummy as is Italian Ice.
Yes, get the book done, but have yourself some fun too Country Club woman!
Donna:
I just sen you an email!
Im going to take my time choosing The Right Guy, but its nice to know I am not the ONLY idiot that puts my foot in my mouth constantly.
I hope you have a good week too!
xoxoox
Tenni:
Last week, was the longest week of my life.
Hey now, dont worry about blogging.
Get Your Education On!
DIVA!
Hey woman. Its nice to see your leg around these parts!
I am having a fabulous time writing my book and chilling at my Country Club.
xoxo
🙂
I’ve always thought you bear an uncanny resemblence to Paddington. say it.
Hot dang….you are on fire with all these Dago doods.
Hanging out at the Country Club and working on your novel? Hmm….now more reasons to wish I were you!!!!
I was going to put the Fillet O fish link on Oscar’s Tavern. Now I’ll send everyone here. LOL
2 Wakes, man o man, not good. I feel for you!
Otherwise sounds like you ar ebusy and well – basically.
Enjoyed the post –
Don’t forget our lunch soon!
That was great !!!!!! Don’t stop going to the country club…mmmmm yummmm, mennnnn!!!!!
Meleah should write posts like this more often, because even through two wakes and a funeral I was laughing out loud! I hope you and Steve will be very happy together.
L’uragano:
Yeah, Melah is FINALLY enjoying her life.
She certainly need this time!
Oscar:
So glad you enjoyed this post
and YES we are having lunch together SOON
The Girl:
I love KHCC!
*and you*
Momo Fali:
Meleah is totally writing her post next week just like she wrote this post!
🙂
I am THRILLED I made YOU laugh. You are one of the Queens Of Comedy that takes HUMOR very seriously, thus, your opinion means so very much to me!
I totally loved this post!!!! I love reading your updates of FB and thi post was the best! It made me crack up, something I needed right now.
Wow! … a hole chapter in one post. Quite a week for Meleah. Is Meleah still talking with Goddfellas guy? ha haaaaa !!
Great post dear, thanks for the update 😉
oooops … “a whole chapter”
ha haaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!
Tball:
Thanks. This was really FUN to write.
I think I am going to do this again next Monday!
Speedy:
Yes sir!
Im glad you liked this post
🙂
wow. sorry to hear about all those funerals. and the cell phone. ugh! looks like the social life is going nicely. go you! and congrats on starting your chapter 6! great updates! 🙂
Hell. You’ve got so much going on you need a secretary — erm — personal assistant. Seriously. He could follow you around all day and take care of your business — like making sure you get a new cell phone. And no, I’ve never seen that Mickey D’s commercial if you can believe that. I’m thinking Fillet-o-Fish isn’t a big seller on the Left Coast maybe.
Maria:
YAY you can leave comments again! Awesome!
I’m glad you liked my updates.
Kellypea:
DO NOT WATCH THE COMMERCIAL. It will drive you insane!
*trust me*
I have no idea how my life got so busy over the last few weeks!