I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to find the words to say this tactfully. In fact, I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity.
It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. [Thanks, Crohn’s Disease.] And, because of that I am usually fully prepared for any sort of ‘Intestinal Situation’.
Except for the day that I wasn’t.
It was a typical day here in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in my little corner of the world. That is, until I ate something that sent my stomach into ‘Downward Spiral’. And by downward spiral, I mean I started writhing in pain, as beads of sweat formed a perfect line on my forehead. I knew the inevitable was about to happen so I raced to the bathroom and unleashed the pressure that can only be described as ‘Firewater From Hell.’ It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting. As I practically evacuated everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life, I prayed to the bathroom gods to ‘please make it stop’ and right quick.
Finally, after what seemed like forever times infinity, the waves of sickness began to subside.
Imagine my horror when I reached over to grab some toilet paper only to see an empty roll of cardboard. What The What? I mean really. Who finishes a roll of toilet paper without replacing it? Fortunately I was using my ‘Home Base Facility’. So, I figured I would be able to lean over far enough to reach underneath the sink cabinet to pull out a fresh roll.
After successfully maneuvering my body, I put my ‘Super Arm Stretch Capabilities’ to good use, and opened the cabinet without falling off the toilet. Sadly, and much to my surprise, there wasn’t ANY toilet paper to be found whatsoever.
Lovely.
I was just about ready to start panicking when I remembered that I always have a ‘Secret Supply’ of ‘Baby Wipes’ handy in the bathroom for an occasion such as this. So, I reached behind the toilet bowl where I normally keep my stock at all times. Alas, there weren’t any of those either.
Wonderful.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I began darting my eyes in rapid motion scouring the bathroom for any kind of ‘Material’ I could use to ‘Clean –Up’ with. And just when I was about to jump in the shower as a last resort, I spotted a box of tissues out of the corner of my eyes.
Hallelujah.
I stood up, grabbed the box, and yanked out fistfuls of soft tissues.
Ah yes.
Tragedy Averted.
Or so I thought.
What happened next is completely indescribable.
So I can only give you some advice. And trust me people; you should take this ‘Public Service Announcement’ very seriously.
* If you ever find yourself stuck in a bathroom, with no toilet paper to be found, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT use ‘Puff Plus Tissues with Vicks Vapor Action’ as a substitute. Do yourself a favor, and look for ANYTHING else. As there is a very good chance you may never recover from that experience.
* Because even after you take a freezing cold shower to stop the incessant burning, you might still end up feeling like the character ‘Cheryl David’ on the ‘Wandering Bear’ [Season 4, Episode 8] of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and lose all feeling ‘Down Under’.
You’re welcome.
Yay! Hi! Nice to *meet* you too.
I guess I should have read the label on the box of tissues!
I know you needed a good laugh since you've been so busy lately.
And trust me, there is NO SUCH thing as having TOO much TP in the house!
Too funny! I mean, reading this, not what happened to you. Ouch.
Thank you!
holy shit (no pun intended) was that funny!
I have never been fond of Puffs Plus…anything and now I'm so happy to have decision validated! Sorry for your discomfort but thanks for the validation.
Oh my word!!!! That was so funny – well not what happened to you, but the way you told it 🙂
I just always make sure that there is toilet paper readily available. The restroom cabinet holds three rolls. Four if they're small. Whenever one is removed, it is replaced within short order. So, there are always a minimum of three rolls on hand: one “installed” and at least two in the cabinet. Sometimes, if the “installed” roll is running low, I may bring in another roll and set it on top of the cabinet, ready to be installed. And, if I don't remember if I replaced a missing roll, I'll bring in another one. Better to have too many than too few.
LMAO, Mel. Only you can post something like this. But, I consider myself warned about the wipes. I do make it a point to ALWAYS have a pack of tissue in my bag, though.
That's TERRIBLE. And HILARIOUS in hindsight.
Thanks Slyde! I love bad puns!
Oh they are wonderful for TISSUES. But not so much for anything else!
Thanks Babs!
🙂
Hope you're having a terrific weekend!
Hey DCR!
I am going to HAVE to do that from NOW on!
I usually always travel with baby wipes in my purse.
Too bad I didn't think of THAT before I used tissues with VICKS!
xoxo
Im glad you enjoyed it!
Your writing is getting better and better!
OMG! Thanks! That's a huge compliment! 🙂
I keep meaning to tell you that 🙂
🙂
Meleah that is the funniest story (I mean I'm so sorry) that I've read in along time…and I've had silly things happen which embarrass me however, this is one of the bests. My sisters and I have similar issues and your right if you miss calculate there's a potential disaster ahead thus best of luck and hope things get better.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Oh Meleah, you are so funny and so honest… I love the way you talk about stuff most of us wouldn't dare to!
Im so happy you enjoyed reading this! Thank Dorothy!
🙂
You're welcome! Apparently, I have NO SHAME when it comes to blog material! Thanks Lady!
not funny, but i'm going to chuckle anyway…only because you tell such great stories. dang woman i'm sorry, but glad you found, uh something. but lose all feeling down there. um actually maybe that's exactly what i need. darn therapy when wipes will do!
Oh Valerie! you crack me up! xoxo 🙂
Here is some information about ICLW. What it is, and why it happens each month. Saw that you wanted to know on someone's blog. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2008/06/icomleavwe/
I am really really really sorry. But when I came to the point, “…when I reached over to grab some toilet paper only to see an empty roll of cardboard,” I just laughed out loud. Luckily I did not have anything in my mouth or I would be reaching out for some toilet papers too. 🙂
Ahahahahah! Im glad you enjoyed this post! I have since stock piled my bathroom with Toilet Paper and baby wipes! Hopefully THIS will never happen again!
Thanks!
Yikes!! Lucky you were at home… I would hate to have that happen at a mall or restaurant and run out of TP in the stall. 🙁
Yeah right! Otherwise I wold have had to pull an Elaine from Seinfeld and ask the person next to me if they could 'Spare A Square!'
🙂
TMI Thursday?? Mmmm.. That one's a new one to me.
I have heard of “Half-Nekkid Thursday” as a meme: http://osbasso.blogspot.com/2005/05/guidelines-…
And I suppose some of *those* half-nekkid posts I've seen certainly can qualify as TMI!!
Who knew!!?! 🙂
~ZZ
Oh my lord! You poor gal! LOL…LOL…LOL….sorry but I can almost relate. 🙂
Ive never heard of that! But I think that MIGHT qualify!?
🙂
🙂
It was NOT a good day for me!
Seriously! I would have had to pull an Elaine from Seinfeld and ask the
person next to me of they could 'Spare A Square'!
Yes! May not be a good day for you. However, it was history already. 🙂
ahahahahahahaha
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O….M…..G…… I totally did Not see the vicks vapor tissues coming, you poor thing! I can sooo relate! Living with Crohns sucks, I used to say I could write a Zaggat guide of public restrooms, I know the cleanest ones with in a 10 mile radius AND how many steps it takes to get from the door, to the actual throne….sigh….
Girl! You and me BOTH! You and me, both!
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LOL!! Holy cow. This is absolutely hysterical, although I’m sure you didn’t think so at the time. I have some similar stories, but I may have to work up the nerve to post them. Maybe one of these days. 🙂
Oh you MUST post them!!! Please? I did!!! You can too!!
I literally gasped!! And said the omg words out loud!!! I won’t use those on my nose.
FYI should it happen again you should have some baby shampoo on hand, it’s what the cops use to wash pepper spray out of their eyes, doesn’t burn and make it worse.