I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to find the words to say this tactfully. In fact, I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity.
It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. [Thanks, Crohn’s Disease.] And, because of that I am usually fully prepared for any sort of ‘Intestinal Situation’.
Except for the day that I wasn’t.
It was a typical day here in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in my little corner of the world. That is, until I ate something that sent my stomach into ‘Downward Spiral’. And by downward spiral, I mean I started writhing in pain, as beads of sweat formed a perfect line on my forehead. I knew the inevitable was about to happen so I raced to the bathroom and unleashed the pressure that can only be described as ‘Firewater From Hell.’ It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting. As I practically evacuated everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life, I prayed to the bathroom gods to ‘please make it stop’ and right quick.
Finally, after what seemed like forever times infinity, the waves of sickness began to subside.
Imagine my horror when I reached over to grab some toilet paper only to see an empty roll of cardboard. What The What? I mean really. Who finishes a roll of toilet paper without replacing it? Fortunately I was using my ‘Home Base Facility’. So, I figured I would be able to lean over far enough to reach underneath the sink cabinet to pull out a fresh roll.
After successfully maneuvering my body, I put my ‘Super Arm Stretch Capabilities’ to good use, and opened the cabinet without falling off the toilet. Sadly, and much to my surprise, there wasn’t ANY toilet paper to be found whatsoever.
Lovely.
I was just about ready to start panicking when I remembered that I always have a ‘Secret Supply’ of ‘Baby Wipes’ handy in the bathroom for an occasion such as this. So, I reached behind the toilet bowl where I normally keep my stock at all times. Alas, there weren’t any of those either.
Wonderful.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I began darting my eyes in rapid motion scouring the bathroom for any kind of ‘Material’ I could use to ‘Clean –Up’ with. And just when I was about to jump in the shower as a last resort, I spotted a box of tissues out of the corner of my eyes.
Hallelujah.
I stood up, grabbed the box, and yanked out fistfuls of soft tissues.
Ah yes.
Tragedy Averted.
Or so I thought.
What happened next is completely indescribable.
So I can only give you some advice. And trust me people; you should take this ‘Public Service Announcement’ very seriously.
* If you ever find yourself stuck in a bathroom, with no toilet paper to be found, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT use ‘Puff Plus Tissues with Vicks Vapor Action’ as a substitute. Do yourself a favor, and look for ANYTHING else. As there is a very good chance you may never recover from that experience.
* Because even after you take a freezing cold shower to stop the incessant burning, you might still end up feeling like the character ‘Cheryl David’ on the ‘Wandering Bear’ [Season 4, Episode 8] of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and lose all feeling ‘Down Under’.
You’re welcome.
It was a freaking awesome concert.
Than it was WORTH IT!
OWWWWWW! – That is almost as bad as the time I used the Refreshing Dove Body wash with Mint and Callilily (down there) OUCH!
OK Girl. I was laughing all along…((quietly laughing)) as I'm at WORK and on PROBATION no less. The Vicks just might have gotten me fired! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! OMG GIRL Too Flippen Funny!!!! Oh how I love a good belly laugh. Thank you. And dont worry too much, I'll deal with upper management and keep my job. lol
But also, as I was reading…..you reminded me of my kid who literally holds nothing back. You see she grew up with ME as her mother so my Non Filter of brain to right out the mouth verbal diahrreah was passed on to her. She called me last week and says, “Oh my god mom, my stomach is so f*#@'d up, I'm pissing out my a$$”. Now that made me laugh, but whats even better is her CO (Comanding Officer) was was walking by as she said it. So immediately after she says that to me, she's saying “Good Afternoon Sir”. lol priceless. She said he was smirking as he said good afternoon sailor back.
OH, this is where Piss out my a$$ came from btw…. its NSFW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD19kM-KCIY
Sheila:
Dove should REALLY put a WARNING label on that!
Thanks Queenie!
Peedee:
Oh No! I hope I didn't get my Super Hero FIRED! But, I am thrilled I was able to make you laugh like THAT.
You're daughter and I could be twins!
Also? Do not use the Kleenex anti viral one for that OR wiping tears off your face. You have been warned.
Court:
I have wiped my EYE with said Vicks Tissues and that was quite uncomfortable.
But wiping the Va-Jay-Jay and Behind – with said Vicks Tissues? Was a whole different ball game!
I've already been scarred for life thanks to a box of tissues. A few months ago I reached into a box when I was cleaning up and came up with…not a tissue but a used condom wrapper. I don't trust them anymore.
Once again I hate to laugh at your pain, but ha ha ha! This was hilarious! At least now you can put it out there that you've got a hot ass! Not that you didn't before, but now it's inside and out! You should write this up as a script for Curb Your Enthusiasm!
OMFG! And AAHAHHAHAHhahahahahHAHHAHAhahahhaahHHHAHHAHAHHAhahahhHAHHHAHAHhahaha
That is AWESOME!
“At least now you can put it out there that you've got a hot ass!”
Marty, I love you! The end!
You POOR thing! Thank god you were at least at home when all this wickedness ensued in your stomach. I hope you've recovered! 🙂
Omg Meleah.
R O F L M A O.
I love you girl.
Meleah , I thoroughly enjoyed this, not only because it is well written (this from an English teacher), but because hubby Karl once had a similar experience.
He was working in the lab, late one night, sweating bullets, when he decided to cool his butt by swabbing his “areas” with acetone. The blood-curdling screams brought every co-worker and secretary who felt the need to break down the door to save the life of the poor soul who was obviously being eaten by a wild boar. Frankly, I would never have gone back to work. Can you imagine the shrinkage after acetone?
Don't worry, it worked. My ass hurts for you. I always keep an extra supply close to the toilet. Of course my bathroom is so small that I can reach anything from the throne without using my stretching capabilities but still.
Thanks love. I do feel better!
I love you back!
I am PEEING in my pants. Ahahahahah. Poor Karl!
Im glad you liked this post so much Louise! It does mean A LOT coming from an English Teacher and all!
[Not to mention the fact that you've been BFF with MY MOM since High School! And speaking of my mom, can you tell her WE NEED TOILET PAPER up in here. Apparently, she does NOT listen to me]
Just remember to stock up on TP!
OMG…this post was BEYOND brilliant!!!!
I laughed so hard I almost SHIT!
” It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting.”
Bwhahahahahahahahahahhaha!
I have had this happen to me on occassions (no toilet paper available) and the panic of searching for something is hysterical. One time I had to use a STARBUCKS NAPKIN! OUCH…!%$
Thanks for the wonderful laugh, Meleah! You SO have that typical Libra sense of humor!
Aren't poop stories great?! They always get a laugh. The greatest thing about moments like that are we can think they are actually funny in the moment because we know we're somehow going to blog about it and we start narrating then and there. Well, I do anyway. 😉
Even though this a hilll-arious story, I send you awesome energy and vibes in hopes of recovering someday soon.
And who doesn't replace the toilet paper? Are you kidding?! No one replaces toilet paper, only you. I will purposely leave two sheets on the roll just for experimental purposes and do you know what happens? Someone will walk in the bathroom and see that there are only two squares and go use the other bathroom. I keep a supply right under the sink. You would think…Oh forget it.
as I read tissue and knew something bad had to be coming! I thought the vicks kind!
haha
You had me at ‘Puree’ setting lol. I am sorry that that happened to you and thanks for sharing, I think.
I'm also sorry that I haven't been here in a long while. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Aw! Ronnie. I love making you laugh!
I bet that Starbucks Napkin was rough!!
Gina:
For real.
All I could think as I stood in the shower wishing the burning would stop was 'Holy Hell' and, at least this will make for some Blog Material.
However, I'd like to get my 'feeling' back!
DO NOT EVER TRY THAT!
Rolando:
Ahahhhaahahahaha
You're welcome!
*ive missed you 'round here, but I know you have your hands full with twins!
🙂
Peedee:
Oh No! I hope I didn't get my Super Hero FIRED! But, I am thrilled I was able to make you laugh like THAT.
You're daughter and I could be twins!
Am I at my blog? HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!! … I know, it's not funny, but well – I guess it is “now”.
MORE TMI ????
Read on only if you have a strong stomach …………………………
I was delivering to an upscale new residence, and HAD to make a quick dash to the can. After, I look around to see no supplies what-so-ever.
Off came the socks, and Voila … case closed
EXCEPT 4 the socks, which I smuggled out the back door and burried in a snowbank. As I walked around the corner, there were ALL the people that were in the house, that had left to get some fresh air from my explosive turbine powered ( censored )
I wonder how spring was there … heheheheeeeee 🙂
Rolando????? I thought he was stuck in a Twitter Cloud ((( LOLOL )))
Hey Roarin Row, Hi Meleah 😉
I know right! I was soo happy to see him drop by over here!
Ahahahahah. Oh Speedy! You did what you had to do! But I certainly wonder what they thought/saw when the snow melted!
As I am older than dirt, I have 'a**hole' and toilet stories in abundance!
1) Driving to Florida from SC for Easter break, I had to 'go'–and I mean GO! (I don't have Crohn's disease, but have ALWAYS had 'going' problems.) I don't do outhouses, port-a-potties, or anything that isn't clean, but THIS was an emergency. I would have stopped by the side of the interstate if I could have. We finally stopped at a roadside tourist trap and I went in. The 'restroom' turned out to be the owner's bathroom–he lived behind the store. Now, you have to understand what this guy looked like: he was very overweight and was wearing denim overalls. Thankfully, he was wearing a shirt underneath, but I'm not sure how long it had been since he bathed–and the bathtub was testament to the fact it hadn't been any time in the last several days, if not weeks. Because I REALLY had to go, I didn't look around till after I was done–I can't remember, but I think I had to use tissue from my purse because of a lack of TP–and I almost died. The bathtub was CRAWLING with bugs. And in the south, that is NOT something you want to see.
2) And I'm sure you do remember my 'volcanic' toilet from a couple of years ago. At least you didn't have to clean the entire room when you were done! 🙂
3) (WARNING: TMI to the Nth degree!) I had an uncle who had very bad hemorrhoids. He had to use petroleum jelly on his finger and push them back in whenever they 'came out.' One night, without turning on the lights, he needed to take care of business. He used what he thought was the Vaseline, only to find out, rather quickly, that what he used was Musterole. Musterole was a liniment that had 'camphor, menthol, or other similar volatile oils' in it. It was meant to 'give a sensation of warmth to the area of skin' it was rubbed on. However, it was NEVER meant to be put on raw skin, such as hemorrhoids. He began burning so badly, that he ran out of the house and sat in the snowbank in order to stop the burning pain.
Poop and toilet stories are universal–and anyone who can't laugh at them is too high-falutin' for me! 😉
Christine I am HYSTERICAL laughing. HYSTERICAL.
These are all VERY funny, but that last one? Sent me into a total
doubled-over-holding-my-stomach-tears-running-down-my-face kind of laughter!
I love you!
xoxoxo
The same thing has happened to me minus the Vicks. Oooh, that would burn like crazy. I know I shouldn't laugh but I thought this post was hilarious. OMG. I'll never look at a jar of Vicks Vapo Rub the same way again!!
I have just had “sympathy burns.” My God. I'm so sorry.
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha…trying to comment….laughing too hard….hahahahahahahahaahahahahahah….sorry….feel bad for you…..but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok. You owe me a new keyboard. Drinking a scotch and reading this saga did not mix well. I laughed so hard/loud I almost choked on my drink and I scared the crap out of the dog. Only Mel could take such a situation and spin it into a saga (and then publish it on the net). As I read it, I was enthralled. I felt I knew what was coming yet I could not look away. And when you described the brand of tissue, my heart felt sorry for you. Well, not exactly my heart, but certain body parts cringed in sympathy for you. I still find it amazing that you can share this experience with the world but that is kind of brave and giving person that Meleah is. Thanks for throwing yourself on the handgrenade and warning the rest of us out there.
And I am sorry that things did not END up so well, but at least you can say this is all behind you now. (Please forgive the lousy puns). I hope that you are feeling better and I am sending some Charmin your way.
BTW – I hope you slapped the last person who left the roll bare.
OK, so I am laughing outloud… picturing it all (sorry) and then you get to the vapor rub part and my jaw hits the floor… what an amazingly told story. Oh boy do I have one I could post… guess I have to wait until next Thursday.
I have horrible stomach problems with my gastroparesis. My mom has irritable bowel. We both started Align (VERY expensive!) a few months ago and it has made a world of difference for both of us. Can you take Align with Crohn's? It takes about four weeks for you to really get the benefits.
Again, your post? HYSTERICAL!
Oh my goodness!! That was hilarious! Thanks for stopping by my blog (and following!). I will be doing likewise with yours from now on. 🙂
Bev
Oh my gosh, I can only imagine your surprise as you experienced the vapor action where no vapor action should be. I hope there was no lasting damage. It certainly sounds plenty humiliating to me.
HAHAHAHAHAHA … sorry but … HAHAHAHAHA … Oh man, that was hilarious! Thanks for the weekend laugh. I'll be sure to keep some hidden stash of toilet paper in my bathroom from now on, that's for sure!
Ahahaha.
Im glad I made you laugh!
I hope YOU are feeling better these days Selma!
xoxoxo
Thanks Kathy! It was a rough couple of days that's for sure.
Lesson Learnt.
🙂
AHAHAHAHhahaahahhaHAHAHAHHAHA
Thanks Nicky!
Meleah has NO SHAME when she knows she can turn a BAD situation into a GOOD
blog post! And I'll send out that new keyboard ASAP!
PS: I love lousy puns.
They make my day!
I am going to find out about Align ASAP!
Stomach issues are no joke, unless of course you can find a way to make them
funny! And that's the only way I know how to deal with this stuff!
And now I cant wait to hear YOUR story!
Wait, why am I constantly abusing my exclamation mark privileges whenever I
comment to you? I swear I am NOT shouting!