I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to find the words to say this tactfully. In fact, I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity.
It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. [Thanks, Crohn’s Disease.] And, because of that I am usually fully prepared for any sort of ‘Intestinal Situation’.
Except for the day that I wasn’t.
It was a typical day here in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in my little corner of the world. That is, until I ate something that sent my stomach into ‘Downward Spiral’. And by downward spiral, I mean I started writhing in pain, as beads of sweat formed a perfect line on my forehead. I knew the inevitable was about to happen so I raced to the bathroom and unleashed the pressure that can only be described as ‘Firewater From Hell.’ It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting. As I practically evacuated everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life, I prayed to the bathroom gods to ‘please make it stop’ and right quick.
Finally, after what seemed like forever times infinity, the waves of sickness began to subside.
Imagine my horror when I reached over to grab some toilet paper only to see an empty roll of cardboard. What The What? I mean really. Who finishes a roll of toilet paper without replacing it? Fortunately I was using my ‘Home Base Facility’. So, I figured I would be able to lean over far enough to reach underneath the sink cabinet to pull out a fresh roll.
After successfully maneuvering my body, I put my ‘Super Arm Stretch Capabilities’ to good use, and opened the cabinet without falling off the toilet. Sadly, and much to my surprise, there wasn’t ANY toilet paper to be found whatsoever.
Lovely.
I was just about ready to start panicking when I remembered that I always have a ‘Secret Supply’ of ‘Baby Wipes’ handy in the bathroom for an occasion such as this. So, I reached behind the toilet bowl where I normally keep my stock at all times. Alas, there weren’t any of those either.
Wonderful.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I began darting my eyes in rapid motion scouring the bathroom for any kind of ‘Material’ I could use to ‘Clean –Up’ with. And just when I was about to jump in the shower as a last resort, I spotted a box of tissues out of the corner of my eyes.
Hallelujah.
I stood up, grabbed the box, and yanked out fistfuls of soft tissues.
Ah yes.
Tragedy Averted.
Or so I thought.
What happened next is completely indescribable.
So I can only give you some advice. And trust me people; you should take this ‘Public Service Announcement’ very seriously.
* If you ever find yourself stuck in a bathroom, with no toilet paper to be found, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT use ‘Puff Plus Tissues with Vicks Vapor Action’ as a substitute. Do yourself a favor, and look for ANYTHING else. As there is a very good chance you may never recover from that experience.
* Because even after you take a freezing cold shower to stop the incessant burning, you might still end up feeling like the character ‘Cheryl David’ on the ‘Wandering Bear’ [Season 4, Episode 8] of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and lose all feeling ‘Down Under’.
You’re welcome.
But just think. Now your sphincter and your poopie has the wonderful side effect of being able to ease chest congestion.
OMG – Hahahaha – TMI indeed !
I need to look at a few pretty pictures to get the imagery out ! Thanks Meleah !
Thankfully!
Ahahahah. Sorry Jaffer!
I was laughing out loud!! Not LOL, but for real!
Mainly because you describe it perfectly. I have been in that exact situation, empty roll, stretch under the sink, contemplate shower, look for anything including baby wipes, think maybe you don't care so much about the undies you have on…. of course mine didn't end with the evil tissues you described! Funny!
YAY! I love that you 'got' this post! Thank YOU!
I used to listen to Howard Stern who had ALOT to say about such matters. I guess it was about 1998 when I took his advice and stopped using toilet paper. I have only used wipes (not baby wipes, they are usually not flushable) since then. Tho, thankfully I don't suffer from your disease it sometimes seems like it. I think the French may have got one thing right when they invented the bidet. I would love to have one.
As far as the vicks….WOW !! ;>(
Glad to see incident was averted despite the side effects Meleah. A TMI story from my life huh? ok. 10 years or so ago I was in my daily gig southwest… regular day at the office, not too much going on on the production floor so we were engaged in a bit of socializing snacking on sunflower seeds. As usual with that snack, I didn't pay attention and ate the seeds whole, shell and all – I've never had a problem other times I had done so, but on this event the quantity got overlooked; having no empty sunflower seed shells pile up to judge how many I had eaten it all spelled 'trouble' when the moment came to attend the bathroom.
The oil industry uses a pipe cleaning device called a “Pig”, more about this can be read at -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydraulically_Acti… <- I'll leave it up to the readers to make the connection with my *painful* TMI story up there.
Oh, you poor thing! (And yes, it qualifies.)
I don't have Crohn's Disease, thank god, but I do have stomach issues, and “Firewater from Hell” is the best description I've heard in a while.
Many years ago, I was waiting outside of Red Rocks in Colorado for a concert. There were port-a-potties. I had to go. Number 2. Number 2 AND my period. And there was no TP. Nothing. No wipes, no tissue, no shower, nothing but yanking up my pants and trying to put it all out of my mind.
I feel ya, sistah.
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Lou Rawls = Hilarious.
OMFG!!! I feel AWFUL for you! And, yet, I cant stop laughing!
No way! Perod + 2 = Total Nightmare! OMG. I have no idea how you managed THAT one!
OMG!! When you said the type of Tissue I totally cringed and just knew you died a little that day!
It helped that I was young. And on my way to see The Cure. But still . . .
I may never be The Same!
Hi! I'm so flabbergasted I'm prepared to supply you with a years supply of paper so this won't happen again! How about it?
But still is RIGHT! You sure are one dedicated Cure Fan!
Yes Please! I think I am going to start OFFICIALLY Hoarding Toilet Paper!
It was a freaking awesome concert.
Than it was WORTH IT!
OWWWWWW! – That is almost as bad as the time I used the Refreshing Dove Body wash with Mint and Callilily (down there) OUCH!
OMG…this post was BEYOND brilliant!!!!
I laughed so hard I almost SHIT!
” It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting.”
Bwhahahahahahahahahahhaha!
I have had this happen to me on occassions (no toilet paper available) and the panic of searching for something is hysterical. One time I had to use a STARBUCKS NAPKIN! OUCH…!%$
Thanks for the wonderful laugh, Meleah! You SO have that typical Libra sense of humor!
P.S. and thanks for the warning on the Puffs!
.-= Ron´s last blog ..Pillow Talk =-.
Aren’t poop stories great?! They always get a laugh. The greatest thing about moments like that are we can think they are actually funny in the moment because we know we’re somehow going to blog about it and we start narrating then and there. Well, I do anyway. 😉
Even though this a hilll-arious story, I send you awesome energy and vibes in hopes of recovering someday soon.
And who doesn’t replace the toilet paper? Are you kidding?! No one replaces toilet paper, only you.
I will purposely leave two sheets on the roll just for experimental purposes and do you know what happens? Someone will walk in the bathroom and see that there are only two squares and go use the other bathroom. I keep a supply right under the sink. You would think…Oh forget it.
You’re fabulous Mel!
.-= Gina´s last blog ..Shay ~ Character Bio =-.
haha
as I read tissue and knew something bad had to be coming
I thought the vicks kind!
haha
OK Girl. I was laughing all along…((quietly laughing)) as I'm at WORK and on PROBATION no less. The Vicks just might have gotten me fired! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! OMG GIRL Too Flippen Funny!!!! Oh how I love a good belly laugh. Thank you. And dont worry too much, I'll deal with upper management and keep my job. lol
But also, as I was reading…..you reminded me of my kid who literally holds nothing back. You see she grew up with ME as her mother so my Non Filter of brain to right out the mouth verbal diahrreah was passed on to her. She called me last week and says, “Oh my god mom, my stomach is so f*#@'d up, I'm pissing out my a$$”. Now that made me laugh, but whats even better is her CO (Comanding Officer) was was walking by as she said it. So immediately after she says that to me, she's saying “Good Afternoon Sir”. lol priceless. She said he was smirking as he said good afternoon sailor back.
OH, this is where Piss out my a$$ came from btw…. its NSFW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD19kM-KCIY
Dove should put a WARNING label on that!
Peedee:
Oh No! I hope I didn't get my Super Hero FIRED! But, I am thrilled I was able to make you laugh like THAT.
You're daughter and I could be twins!
You had me at ‘Puree’ setting lol. I am sorry that that happened to you and thanks for sharing, I think.
I’m also sorry that I haven’t been here in a long while. I have a lot of catching up to do.
.-= Rolando´s last blog ..Justice Raw! =-.
Thanks Queenie!
Peedee:
Oh No! I hope I didn't get my Super Hero FIRED! But, I am thrilled I was able to make you laugh like THAT.
You're daughter and I could be twins!
Also? Do not use the Kleenex anti viral one for that OR wiping tears off your face. You have been warned.
Court:
I have wiped my EYE with said Vicks Tissues and that was quite uncomfortable.
But wiping the Va-Jay-Jay and Behind – with said Vicks Tissues? Was a whole different ball game!
I've already been scarred for life thanks to a box of tissues. A few months ago I reached into a box when I was cleaning up and came up with…not a tissue but a used condom wrapper. I don't trust them anymore.
Once again I hate to laugh at your pain, but ha ha ha! This was hilarious! At least now you can put it out there that you've got a hot ass! Not that you didn't before, but now it's inside and out! You should write this up as a script for Curb Your Enthusiasm!
OMFG! And AAHAHHAHAHhahahahahHAHHAHAhahahhaahHHHAHHAHAHHAhahahhHAHHHAHAHhahaha
That is AWESOME!
“At least now you can put it out there that you've got a hot ass!”
Marty, I love you! The end!
You POOR thing! Thank god you were at least at home when all this wickedness ensued in your stomach. I hope you've recovered! 🙂
Glad to see incident was averted despite the side effects Meleah. A TMI story from my life huh? ok. 10 years or so ago I was in my daily gig southwest… regular day at the office, not too much going on on the production floor so we were engaged in a bit of socializing snacking on sunflower seeds. As usual with that snack, I didn't pay attention and ate the seeds whole, shell and all – I've never had a problem other times I had done so, but on this event the quantity got overlooked; having no empty sunflower seed shells pile up to judge how many I had eaten it all spelled 'trouble' when the moment came to attend the bathroom.
The oil industry uses a pipe cleaning device called a “Pig”, more about this can be read at -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydraulically_Acti… <- I'll leave it up to the readers to make the connection with my *painful* TMI story up there.
Oh, you poor thing! (And yes, it qualifies.)
I don't have Crohn's Disease, thank god, but I do have stomach issues, and “Firewater from Hell” is the best description I've heard in a while.
Many years ago, I was waiting outside of Red Rocks in Colorado for a concert. There were port-a-potties. I had to go. Number 2. Number 2 AND my period. And there was no TP. Nothing. No wipes, no tissue, no shower, nothing but yanking up my pants and trying to put it all out of my mind.
I feel ya, sistah.
Chuck:
Lou Rawls = Hilarious.
ROG:
OMFG!!! I feel AWFUL for you! And, yet, I cant stop laughing!
No way! Perod + 2 = Total Nightmare! OMG. I have no idea how you managed THAT one!
OMG!! When you said the type of Tissue I totally cringed and just knew you died a little that day!
It helped that I was young. And on my way to see The Cure. But still . . .
Lucy:
I may never be The Same!
Hi! I'm so flabbergasted I'm prepared to supply you with a years supply of paper so this won't happen again! How about it?
But still is RIGHT! You sure are one dedicated Cure Fan!
Peter:
Yes Please! I think I am going to start OFFICIALLY Hoarding Toilet Paper!