Public Service Announcement – TMI Style

I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to find the words to say this tactfully. In fact, I almost did not write about the little incident I am about to share with you, because things like this should probably stay private. However, I have decided to throw caution to the wind, along with most of my dignity.

It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. [Thanks, Crohn’s Disease.] And, because of that I am usually fully prepared for any sort of ‘Intestinal Situation’.

Except for the day that I wasn’t.

It was a typical day here in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in my little corner of the world. That is, until I ate something that sent my stomach into ‘Downward Spiral’. And by downward spiral, I mean I started writhing in pain, as beads of sweat formed a perfect line on my forehead. I knew the inevitable was about to happen so I raced to the bathroom and unleashed the pressure that can only be described as ‘Firewater From Hell.’ It was as if my stomach had transformed into a blender and it was stuck on the ‘Puree’ setting. As I practically evacuated  everything I had ever eaten in the last year of my life, I prayed to the bathroom gods to ‘please make it stop’ and right quick.

Finally, after what seemed like forever times infinity, the waves of sickness began to subside.

Imagine my horror when I reached over to grab some toilet paper only to see an empty roll of cardboard. What The What? I mean really. Who finishes a roll of toilet paper without replacing it? Fortunately I was using my ‘Home Base Facility’. So, I figured I would be able to lean over far enough to reach underneath the sink cabinet to pull out a fresh roll.

After successfully maneuvering my body, I put my ‘Super Arm Stretch Capabilities’ to good use, and opened the cabinet without falling off the toilet. Sadly, and much to my surprise, there wasn’t ANY toilet paper to be found whatsoever.

Lovely.

I was just about ready to start panicking when I remembered that I always have a ‘Secret Supply’ of ‘Baby Wipes’ handy in the bathroom for an occasion such as this. So, I reached behind the toilet bowl where I normally keep my stock at all times. Alas, there weren’t any of those either.

Wonderful.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I began darting my eyes in rapid motion scouring the bathroom for any kind of ‘Material’ I could use to ‘Clean –Up’ with. And just when I was about to jump in the shower as a last resort, I spotted a box of tissues out of the corner of my eyes.

Hallelujah.

I stood up, grabbed the box, and yanked out fistfuls of soft tissues.

Ah yes.

Tragedy Averted.

Or so I thought.

What happened next is completely indescribable.

So I can only give you some advice. And trust me people; you should take this ‘Public Service Announcement’ very seriously.

* If you ever find yourself stuck in a bathroom, with no toilet paper to be found, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT use ‘Puff Plus Tissues with Vicks Vapor Action’  as a substitute. Do yourself a favor, and look for ANYTHING else. As there is a very good chance you may never recover from that experience.

* Because even after you take a freezing cold shower to stop the incessant burning, you might still end up feeling like the character ‘Cheryl David’ on the ‘Wandering Bear’ [Season 4, Episode 8] of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and lose all feeling ‘Down Under’.

You’re welcome.