Posting from an ungodly hour

pissed the fuck off….and gunna regret this one in the morning.

In the middle of editing, transitioning, choosing photos, hacking videos, running out of computer storage space, cursing the heavens above for not magically providing me a hard drive, thus deleting other precious moments from the ever-so-limited and oh!-so-over-used “disk space” this MAC comes with… and…LACKING TIME I NEED TO DO THE THINGS I WANT… my “creativity” has been shut the fuck down…no, it’s being snuffed out.

While in the middle of perfect lyric to photo, ratio, during the production of the birthday movie dedication to my baby brother Adam…who just turned 30.

I have been shut ! the ! fuck ! down !

My creativity streak has been snuffed out.

WHY?

Because I have to go to bed.

Because I am a responsible adult, that has a job to go to in the morning.

I don’t want to go to bed.

I’d rather stay with the streak, feeling, passion, creative surge I am experiencing. I know it would lead to some amazing ‘turn of phrase’ if I had that chance.

Alas, instead of writing, I am side tracked, (surprise!) by the need to make the birthday movie dedication to my baby brother Adam…who just turned 30.

This making movies business is hard! As! Hell! (and really really really fun)

I was there for all of his birthdays, when we were little. Until, well, I was elsewhere.

Even when I was in the same state, I missed other birthday’s…well, because I was intoxicated / high out-of-my-skull- begging for crack in the alley-way(s) of shady neighborhoods at age(s) 20 something.

I was the proverbial “white-girl” in a Russian Sable Fur Coat, with smeared mascara and Grey Goose breath…. having no business being in that town…ever.

So…..now that I have busted my ass, proven, driven, worked, prayed, slaved and changed my life, in every way shape or form, consistently, for FIVE YEARS in . a . row. So I could show up for my own life, plus, be a part of my families lives… it’s a blessing I was able to be a part of even seeing my brother, my childhood best friend, turn 30.

I want to make the greatest movie in his honor. I can make the greatest movie in his honor, with the capabilities I have.

BUT……..I can’t with the TIME / LACK of FUNDS $$ I have.

I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong … I could be in a lot tougher places…and I have been.

I’m just having one of those moments. The kind of moment when I wish I wasn’t restricted to time constraints. The kind of moment when I wish money, needing money, having to do great job to earn money, didn’t CRUSH what I want, need, have, to do.

Sorry Internet… I’m full of venom once again, where ? else ? to spew ?

Now…let’s try to fall asleep feeling bitter, resentful and wondering WHY? do I work so hard? When I cant ENJOY or LIVE life?

Blah!

New post? in the morning? When I spend the next few hours tossing in bed, and rationalizing about the truths of THIS situation….

I was allowed, invited, and welcomed to even GO to his birthday. Things could be worse, way worse. I am lucky to have ANYTHING AT ALL.

If it takes a week, two weeks, three weeks to make the movie, in the perfectionist fashion I do everything anymore…then so be it.

At least I CAN make it. No matter how long it takes.

It is more important to GO TO BED and GO TO WORK and do a GOOD JOB.

After all, THAT is what HOLDS me TOGETHER.