Back Again…
Tell A Friend.
Boo-Yah.
This is like the best news….um…ever. If you haven’t read this guys blog, you have been missing out. He was missing in action for about a year, and I for one could not be happier for his return to blogville. He is sofa king funny and crazy smart. You are guaranteed to laugh your ass off. Go. Read him now. Thank me later.
Tiffany, Jen Rinaldi, and I, went to a ‘Roof Top Party’ on Thursday night in Red Bank NJ. I had never been to a rooftop party before. And, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go.
First of all, I am terrified of heights. In my imagination being on a ‘Roof Top’ is almost as risky as jumping off of a cliff. I think you are just asking for trouble and or death, especially if you get too close to the ledge.
Second of all, I become a total social anxiety nervous wreck when I am anywhere outside of my 4 square mile comfort zone. I was apprehensive about attending some huge blow out party filled with people I did not know. However, since Jen Rinaldi suffers from my same affliction, I found comfort in knowing she would be right by my side sharing in the hot-flash-panic-attacks-of-uncomfortable-ness.
I was contemplating not going to the party while on the phone with my mother. My mother said, “Meleah, yanno, you’re not 65. You’re not even 35. Geez. Us. If you don’t go to this party you’re stupid.”
Um. Yeah. Never in my life did I think my mother would be promoting party going. Anyway, after being convinced and threatened by Tiffany, I pulled myself together and agreed to go.
If you aren’t familiar with New Jersey, it’s hard to imagine what Red Bank is like. It’s a beautiful town, right by the water, filled with young business owners between the ages of 20-40 that party just as hard as they work.
When we arrived, the host Lorene, had hired security to block off the street she lived on for guest only parking. That was awesome. However, since we arrived late, all of the parking had been taken. (Not. Awesome.) We had to park 184627.9 miles away and hike back to her house in the muggy humidity that is New Jersey summertime.
As we entered the building I could hear the sound of a live band filling the air. Up the stairs and to the right we found ourselves in what seemed to be the kitchen area. Less one wall. There wasn’t a door that led to the roof. It was just wide open. Packed with people.
My heart was racing. (Probably from walking the longest mile in ‘stilts’ that were the shoes I chose to wear.) My first agenda was to find some sort of seating since I carry ‘luggage’ rather than a normal sized purse. My back was already on fire from the weight of the oversized bag.
Jen, Tiffany and I managed to settle into front row seats, just as the fireworks started. They were amazing.
While the fireworks were going off, the Live Band (who were incredible) played music befitting the event. And they played all night long. The band was so totally-super-awesome that at one point, I thought a Led Zeppelin CD was playing. That is until I realized the lead singer just happened to sound exactly like Robert Plant.
After the ‘firework show’ Jen and I were introduced to Tiffany’s friends: the host Lorene and her business partner / best friend Bonnie. Let me just tell you, these ladies are two of the most fantastic women I have come to meet in a very long time. They are super smart, super funny, super cool, and party harder than anyone I know. And they do it up right.
They had servers, security, a buffet that spread as far as they eye can see, bartenders, waiters, and a most diverse crowd. They even had Ice Liquor Luges.
My favorite part of the night was when Tiffany and the host Lorene jumped on stage and busted into rapping. This video is short, dark, and blurry, but you get the idea.
We stayed at the party until about 2am: dancing, signing, and laughing. I am positively thrilled I was ‘forced’ to go to this party. In fact, I am already looking forward to next years 4th of July.
Good Times. Good Times.
COMPLETE SET OF PHOTOS CAN BE FOUND HERE!
Okay. So. Yeah. As for my vacation? Let’s just say it was interesting. Yes, it was beautiful, when we were on the beach. In the hotel room? Not. So. Much. Yes the food was good…but only provided we were able to secure a reservation at one of the ‘specialty restaurants’. (That was not as easy as it sounds.)
I am very proud of the 5 of usfor making ‘The Best’ out of what could have been an awful situation.
Since I have one too many photos, and one too many stories about the Vacation, it would take at least 45 posts to give you the full story. And I am not going to subject ya’ll to incessant vacation postings, consisting of mainly ‘inside jokes’. And, I will be busying myself for the next few weeks creating one of my famous video/movie montages for your viewing pleasure. It’s going to take a while for me to find the time required to construct, complete with titles, transitions and special effects.
In the meantime, here are my: Top 10 Vacation Facts
1. Never go to a resort in a foreign country, unless you can verify before hand that at least ONE employee speaks the same language as you do.
[Had we known this fact, we could have easily packed a translator dictionary. Or, simply gone to Florida. For a whole lot less money.]
2. It costs $10.00 per person to enter the Dominican Republic. Cash. Only.
[Yet another fact that would have been handy before we arrived at our destination. With only Credit Cards.]
3. You might consider canceling your trip if you bought the ‘Insurance’ and you were notified a mere 6 days prior to leaving that your hotel accommodations have been suddenly changed, to a place you cant even research online.
[That alone should have been my first clue we were about to ‘rough it’.]
4. SPF 85 works very well on children. That is, as long as you apply the SPF 85 to their skin, Every 15 Seconds. Also, SPF + Sand + Epidermis = Glued on forever, maybe longer.
[Lesson Learnt.]
5. Research The Water Pressure/Shower Situation. Seriously? Yes. Gather an extensive, informative, background pertaining to the bathroom facilities.
[Because when you are traveling to a far away place, full of people who misconstrue every word that comes out of your mouth, it makes for a rather challenging conversation to express why you are ‘concerned’ that the metal handle which belongs In The Shower, has come off and is now In The Palm Of Your Hands making showering all together impossible.]
That being said…
6. If you are lucky enough to be traveling with another party, be smart. Be sure to have adjoining rooms. This way, you can use their shower to try and remove the glued on – SFP – sand – epidermis mixture that is forever stuck in-between your toes.
7. Doritos are an expensive commodity in the D.R. They sell for $18.00 American Dollars – per bag.
[We spent at least $300.00 (each visit) at the Mini-Market gathering “American Food” for our children to eat. It was like our own version of Super Market Sweep. But THIS FACE says it was worth every penny.]
8. There is a REASON the bus which transports you from the Airport to your Resort has black covers hanging to cover the window.
(It is my suggestion, to leave those curtains tightly closed. Unless of course you like seeing small children begging on the dirt roads.)
9. The definition of ‘Top Shelf Alcohol’ and the prospect of obtaining any ‘Top Shelf Alcohol’ is non-existent in the Barceló Hotel.
10. When Kayaking On The Ocean Do Not Wear A Dress. (You’ll find out exactly why, in the video version of this tale.)
The Final & Bonus Fact
* The term ‘Tropical Storm’ should not be taken lightly.
It rained so hard, so fast, that the cobblestone pathways were flooded in sheer seconds. The roads looked like the canals in Venice Italy. It would be wise to have a raft, or any flotation device readily available.
And that’s all I have to say about my vacation…
For now!
I guess it took me a little longer than I expected to really process and accept these new changes in my office. By nature I am a fighter, and I tend to resist all things new. That is one of my innate flaws. Much like that elusive ‘dignity’ I have yet to master.
Alas, the ‘new’ co-workers on my ‘new’ floor have really gone out of their way to make me feel at home and comfortable in my new surroundings. (Even though I still go back upstairs to my ‘home base’ for the coffee and the bathroom.) Everyone has been really helpful with answering all of my questions, and they have boosted my confidence in my ablity to handle this type of work load.
Much to my surprise, I have been given several unsolicited compliments from both the Office Manager and the Commercial Lines Supervisor about my impressive job performance over the last week and a half. (I just about fainted.)
I started thinking, if I am that good at a job I don’t even like, imagine how I would perform doing a job that I loved?
Anyway. I am happy to report my funkiness is certainly passing as I have come to accept this is where I work, this is what I do as a job (for now). I am reminding myself this is only a temporary change and the rest of my life needs not be affected by such.
Thanks to all of you for your amazing support, wonderful comments, and lovely emails. Thank you all for reminding me that I am not defined by “WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING” but I am defined by, “HOW I LIVE MY LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE WORK PLACE.”
I will be spending time this week, focused on enjoying that part of my life. I am back to blogging. I am back to writing. I am back to reading. I am back to stalking all of your pages. And, I am back to the land of the living.
As of late, I feel like I’ve been off my ‘game’. In fact, I haven’t felt like myself at all. I haven’t been able to write. I haven’t been able to read or comment on anyone else’s blogs. I haven’t been able to pay attention. I haven’t been able to focus. I’ve been so preoccupied with the whole job/work situation. I’ve been busy thinking, and deliberating, over what (if any) kind of “options” I may (or may not) have to rectify my current position.
I am stuck in some sort of self-absorbed, over analyzing, stress induced, plotting, planning, dreaming of brighter days, resentful, and I am just plain beaten down.
Last night after having yet another allergic reaction, I am home from work today. The day after an allergic reaction makes it impossible for me drive or function, especially with a Benadryl hangover.
Hopefully, while laying here in bed, I will find my way back out into blogville. I just know whenever I am feeling like this, there will be blogs to read that will make me laugh & cheer me right up.
‘Sisu’ is a Finnish word that cannot be translated easily. To have ‘sisu,’ one has guts, stubbornness, stick-to-it-iveness all rolled into one–but in a positive way. It is perseverance and determination. (To read the ‘official’ definition, go to Wikipedia.)
An excellent fellow female blogger buddy known as “CMK” from the blog Out Of My Mind created this award herself. She has bestowed upon me the great honor of being the 1st ever recipiant. In light of my current frustration I could not have asked for a better “cheer me up”.
This is what she had to say about me:
“I decided to make my own award after recieving such nice ones from so many people. Today I will give the first ‘Sisu Award.’ The one I will give this to is a very good friend of mine–even though we have never met. I began reading her blog about a year ago and she completely amazes me. She has done a lot in her young life and has gone through a lot. Her health problems are something I don’t know if I could live with–and she always tries to keep her sense of humor throughout her relapses/flares. She has completely changed her life and is raising a son as a single mother. Because she has shown true ‘sisu,’ I am pleased to give the ‘Sisu Award’ for the first time to meleah! You deserve it, my dear!
****I am flattered, and blushing, and ever so grateful to have found people like this on the Internet. This is just one of the 15 milion reasons Blogging has enriched my life so vastly.****
My dear pal HollyGL has inspired this ‘re-post’. However it has been slightly re-written with some added new bonus material in light of my friend Anna’s comment on this post. Anna & HollyGL have managed to identify what is really bothering me. I think I know now why have been psychologically mind fucking myself the last few days with respects to the whole office department switching issue that I am dealing with. I am also reposting this as a reminder to myself. It’s nice to reread just How Far I Have Come. But, I still need to take a look at a few things I need / can work on that will enable me to get through this next chapter in my ‘career’.
5 years ago, at the age of 27, I made the decision to undergo a complete change.
I went from ‘bartending’ (amongst other things) and working nights in a smoke filled strip club, to working days in a smoke free state of the art insurance office. This was not an easy adjustment to say the least.
I went from being comfortable (wearing shorts, wife beaters, socks and sneakers – or less) to feeling terribly uncomfortable (wearing suites and dresses). I went from slinging suds and full of confidence cracking jokes to perfect strangers, to someone who was shy, timid, nervous and fearful.
This decision was not as smooth or simple as I had hoped. In fact, if I had the foresight to know the level of anxiety such a transition could produce, I would have reconsidered the entire idea all together. I never anticipated what an outsider I would feel like from the minute I set foot in an office.
I find it amazing how much society, and we ourselves, identify who we are by what we do for a living. I was a bartender. I was NOT an office professional. I mean the only job interview & job I ever had in my whole life was to bend down in front of a bar manager to pick up a napkin off the floor, so he could decide if my buttocks was ‘acceptable’ to serve his patrons.
Crossing over from one identity to another drowned me in a pool of uncertainty. In order to avoid any further internal panic attacks, I carefully placed myself on the outside of a pre-existing inner office water cooler clique, which was unlike any other atmosphere I had experienced.
The first big adjustment to working in an office was waking up in the morning. When I was bartending, I used to sleep all day. All damn day. I stayed up all night, I mean; the party didn’t start until after the bar closed some nights. Waking up at 6:30am, rather than going to bed at 6:30am, was unbearable.
Since my body has a different internal clock than the rest of the standard work force, the first clue that I was an outsider surfaced when I showed up at the office still blinking my blood shot eyeballs while everyone else in the office looked refreshed, alert, perky and alive.
Another hint I didn’t exactly “fit-in” the office environment, was the simple task of what to wear? And ‘how to?’ wear professional clothing. I walked around the office stuffed in fabrics that forced me to move robotically, while others seemed to glide effortlessly throughout the day. Suites, skirts and slacks were not exactly part of my bar wardrobe. Putting on these new clothes, made me feel like I was playing dressing up in someone else’s attire, and trying to live someone else’s life.
The next big shocker was the drive into work. Driving, for me, was a traumatic endeavor during the morning bustle. It’s hard to envision rush hour traffic, when you are so used to driving home at 3:00 am. At 3:00am, the only other cars on the road are drunks, truckers or cops. Driving on the NJ Turnpike first thing in the morning was a horrifying experience. I had no idea how many people were up and driving on the road at that ungodly hour. The pressure of lane changes, and the assholes that only drove 65mph in the left lane, filled me with anxiety before I even made it into the office. I would show up on raw nerves.
Once I did make it into the office, I was faced with another treacherous task I did not know how to handle.
When you work in a bar there are no dead-lines or computers, there are no faxes, or files. There are only shot glasses and beer mugs or directions to the bathroom. You can only imagine the overwhelming terror I felt, when I was asked to send my first fax.
Talk about feeling like an outsider, I was humiliated. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I didn’t know which way the paper faced; did the paper go up or down? Did the paper go in a tray, or did I have to lift the lid of the machine? I didn’t know if I had to dial a (1) before the fax number? I certainly did not want to ask anyone, because then they would know I didn’t belong here.
I stood over that fax machine for a good ten minuets sweating and contemplating, when a nice lady came by and saw the trepidation on my face. She gently took the paper from my hands and quietly showed me what to do with out making a big deal. I was puzzled by the fact that she didn’t laugh out loud or start to protest to the other employees that I didn’t belong there. I was sure she would have announced to everyone there was a fraud in the building.
When it came to typing, not only had I never typed a professional letter, I had never typed anything. Ever. Overwhelmed with so many keys, letters, numbers and F1-12 choices, I could only type with my index finger on my right hand. I had to search for every single letter on the keyboard. I would scream inside my head, after becoming totally frustrated, “I KNOW THERE IS A FREEKING X ON THIS KEYBOARD SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE!!” It took me practically took me an hour to type a single sentence and even with spell check the words were still incorrect.
Typing, as difficult as that was on its own, also involves grammar. This was yet another obstacle, yet another skill, that separated me from the other employees. Grammar was more like speaking in the Chinese language to me. Colon? What the hell is a colon? When do you use a colon? Why do you use a colon? Isn’t that a body part? I wouldn’t dare ask anyone other than my father (who also works in my office) for fear of making a complete ass out of myself.
During the first six months of my office employment, after being shipped to yet another department within the company my father trained me hands on. He did not accomplish a single thing for himself in the office. His whole job was reduced to answering all of my questions or making up his own questions which he would quiz me on all day. I even went with my father out to visit his clients.
I took home insurance policies to read and study. I also went out and bought a computer. The office manager gave me a disk to use at home to learn how to type. The fact that I had a computer afforded me the opportunity to send home all of the different insurance carrier’s websites to study as well.
Although I was learning a lot, and challenging myself, there was still a difficult hurdle to make it through the ‘career changing process.’ I was not able to communicate at all, on any level, to anyone.
Just thinking about having to talk to someone intimidated me. When I heard the other women talking, I thought of witty things I could say to say to join the conversation, but instead of talking with them, I doubted my ability to say what I was thinking clearly. I was so uneasy; I thought if I spoke out loud I would trip over the words before they came out of my mouth. Rather than take a chance, I played it safe. I kept my mouth shut, and as a result, I remained isolated.
I never wanted to get up from my desk to walk to the bathroom; I thought everyone was watching me. (That’s probably some ego issue I should one day consider looking at.) I was convinced everyone was talking about me. I was so insecure and struggling with the tough adaptation to this new world.
Of course, the paranoia of every one looking at me, or talking about me, was mostly in my own head. I was feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin; I kept myself an outsider by not being a part of anything office related.
I would go home at night and cry about how hard this was. I thought about how no one liked me. I would try to practice typing, or read about specific insurance coverage’s but I would get so frustrated if I didn’t get it, or understand things right away.
When I felt like giving up, I stayed up all night and thought of ways to call out of work. I even bought a medical dictionary so I could look up good excuses to use. I worried that I had made a terrible mistake. I had to convince myself, if I was ever going to make it in an office; I was making things harder than they had to be. I forced myself to put down my pity-pot and do the best I could no matter what the final outcome.
It was another six months in to the office world, a full year from starting date, when I was acclimated to the traffic, the clothes, the fax and copy machine. I was even using up to three fingers while typing on the keyboard, when I finally got up the courage to go and eat lunch with one of the other women of the office.
Guess what? Lunch wasn’t totally terrible!! In fact, it was fun!!
I went to lunch with a woman because she thought I was funny. For the first time in a year in the office I felt like I could be myself around someone. This first interaction, as trivial as it may seem, was the catalyst in my finding a comfort zone within the confines of the office. Just having that one person to relate to was a sigh of relief, and made waking up in the morning, going into work that much easier. Eventually I was able to say, “Good Morning” to people in the office if they made eye contact with me.
(I am presently waiting and looking, for that same sort of opportunity to arise wherein that defining moment I will begin to feel some level of acceptance within my new department.)
I never thought back then, I have would be gainfully employed at the same company for over five years now.
So, how much have I grown? How far have I come? Well, let’s see.
Today, I am trying my best to include myself, and be a part of the TEAM rather than remain isolated. (Although, that secret inner-water-cooler clique still very much exists.) And even though I am scared or slightly intimidated, I am REALLY making an effort to participate in the conversations that have been going on around me for the last few days. I have been a willing contributor to the chatter even though I think I sound like a moron.
Today, I don’t think everyone hates me, and I don’t think everyone is talking about me anymore.
Today, I am a Most Excellent typist.
Today, I can operate all of the office equipment with ease.
Today, I am much more confident in my abilities than I have ever been.
Today, I think I might be smart enough to figure out these new tasks being thrown in my face.
Today, I can write a well thought out, comprehensive letter; chock full of the proper ‘office speak’.
Today, I am even much better in dealing with Traffic. Yet, I have been known to loose my cool from time to time.
But here’s the kicker. 6 years later…
After all of my hard work, after all of the changes I have made, and all my growth…being out of the office for over a week, and having been unwillingly moved to a new department upon returning from vacation – I am right back to feeling just like that awkward outsider.
I feel like I am back to Square One. I honestly feel like I am going through some sort of backwards time warp. I feel like I am going in reverse. I feel like I am experiencing some sort of regression?
1. I am back living at home with The Parents (just like I was 6 years ago – but for different reasons this time around).
2. I am back in the very same department in my office that I had been promoted up from.
3. I still feel like a phony in ‘Office Attire’.
4. I am not presently able to bring home or study this New Material. (And quite frankly, I have so many other things that fill up my life, which I genuinely enjoy doing; I really don’t want to spend my evenings swimming in anything related to Insurance.)
5. I still have a tendency to freak out if I don’t “Get It” RIGHT AWAY.
6. I still struggle with grammar.
7. I went from rocking the house in The Marketing Department, where I have been for the last 6 years, to feeling shy, timid, nervous and fearful. All Over Again.
8. This time, I did not choose to make this life altering career change. This Change is an unwilling and ever so unwanted change.
9. And I will NEVER learn how to be a Day Person. I have always been, and will always be, a Night Person.
My mother told me she thinks that I may be repeating these steps in my life because I missed something or some opportunity the first Go Around?
I am scratching my head right now because I am not sure what is happening in my life, or how I got all the way back HERE? No. It’s not entirely that dramatic (as compared to Monday). But you can get the gist as to why I feel like after 6 years I am still at the starting gate.
I do know that I am not anywhere I imagined my life would be at age 33. Not relationship wise, not health wise, not career wise, not mentally, and certainly not financially.
Most people I know that are my age (and younger) are married, with homes/own property, are well settled into their careers, and complete with families of their own.
Meanwhile, I am feeling like I have failed at my attempts to secure a “normal lifestyle.”
On the other hand, I am happy to say that I am no longer having a Pity Party, or feeling sorry for myself. And in all reality yesterday was a little teeny tiny better-ish.
I realize that if I want to change the direction I fear my life is headed, than I have to get off my ass, and do something about it, rather than sit here and complain about it.
I just don’t know where to go from here? Or how to change the direction of my life? Or how to take the steps necessary to stop being a ‘victim of my circumstances’?
I guess in time I will figure the answers to those questions out.
I am going to flip my lid.
I’ve copy pasted my comments, and waited, and rebooted, and still… nothing. I promise I have not been neglecting anyone’s blogs. I’ve been here reading and laughing with all of you. Alas, I don’t think Blogger and I are getting along right now, because every time I try and leave a comment, that is the error I receive. Its driving me mad.
Of course I have to wait to surf the internet until I get home from work. Which is pissing me off because it seems like Blogger runs smoothly all damn day long. Yanno, Blogger works just fine and dandy until 7pm when I sit down and try to participate.
Geez.Us.
Is not something I welcome. Specifically when it is a change that I am being forced to make. I am trying to get a handle on a grasping a positive attitude, but I am really struggling right now.
You see, we had to make some temporary changes in my office. As such, after 6 years of sitting at the same desk, doing the same job, with the same people, I have been moved to another department. One that I am totally unfamiliar with. On a different floor. With different co-workers. And even a different coffee maker. I feel lost and confused having been removed from my element. I even broke down and cried this morning.
In fact I am crying at my ‘new’ desk Right. Now.
I am not supposed to write about work, especially while I am at work, but it’s my lunch hour. Since I am desperately trying to find a way to feel better about this sudden unwanted change and I am searching for a way to get though this transition, the only way I know how to deal with stress and tension is to write about it.
What I dislike the most, is the not knowing what I am doing. I am afraid I am going to make mistakes. Mistakes that could cost my company money. I know that I can ask as many questions as I need to. I know that I have people I can trust that will support and help me with the tasks I do not understand. But this is still, well, scary.
I am doing my best to be a Team Player. I feel that I owe it to my boss to at least give this new position a shot. After all, my company has made many exceptions and given me the ‘special treatment’ on several occasions. But, um, I am not exactly cut out for “Customer Service”.
I keep telling myself this is only temporary. But, I am not very clear on the definition of ‘Temporary’. And, I certainly don’t think I will be able to keep this up for 6 months.
I keep telling myself this is an opportunity to learn something new, but all I want to do is run for the front door screaming. The idea of working at the CVS across the street from my house has never looked better. Except that I am not a teenager. And I can not simply run away. I am a grown up with real responsibilities, and real medical issues, which require having things like Health Benefits, and holding a Real Job.
I am hopeful that with time, I will adjust to this? I am hoping that since this is my 1st day trying something totally foreign, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed? I am hoping eventually I won’t feel like hiding underneath my desk or cowering away from fellow employees with my shoulders slouched inwards hump back style.
Because right now, I am absolutely miserable.
However, Thanks to my mom for this laugh below.
Ive been so overwhelmed and busy since I returned home from vacation, I haven’t even had the opportunity to sit down and write anything. I hope to find the time to post shortly.
