Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

One of my favorite things about blogging has to be the connections I’ve formed over the last two years with other bloggers and writers. I have been fortunate to create offline friendships via emails and texts with these said writers.

One of the friendships I truly value has to be with the very witty, always comical, insanely smart, and my ‘twin’, Michael C. from the blog The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile.

Over the last year we have been supporting each other’s ideas, giving each other constructive criticism and feedback when we have those ‘self-doubting’ moments I think all writers and bloggers face now and again.

I think it is really important (essential even) for writers to have a support ‘group’ if you will. Especially, when time constrictions like working full time jobs and raising families prevent us from being able to join hands on writing groups, or take classes. It’s quite validating to know that you are not the only one thinking about, dealing with, or trying to figure out how to make it all work.

Michael and I were discussing the challenges we face when trying to balance our real life obligations with our dreams of becoming published authors.

(Thank you Michael for your permission to post this email.)

One of the conversations Michael and I had recently went a little something like this:

ME: Hey how was your weekend? Did you get any writing done?

MC: I did a little writing, then questioned if I still had the talent and fire to write that I used to, then got depressed about it and stopped writing until I did last night’s post. I hate self-doubting!

ME: Oh my god. I torture myself. I think every thing I write is pure crap. I end up over editing and re-writing a million drafts for one sentence.

May I share with you a simple conversation I had with My Mother that somehow made me feel better…its kind of a stretch, but try to stay with me on this, I think it will work for your thinking too.

ME: Mom, I hate this. This post sucks. This chapter is awful. I can’t write. I am not smart enough to do this. Who am I fooling? This is all garbage. Maybe I should just delete my blog and throw away this book. In fact maybe I will just throw in the towel and surrender to working in an office until the day I die. The push for conformity has taken its toll on me. What am I thinking? And. Why can’t I write like I used to – back when I was 18 years old- I was a better writer than I am now…

My Mom: (interrupts my self bashing rant with this) Meleah anyone who is any good thinks all of their stuff is terrible. And anyone who is terrible thinks they are awesome. Just look at those crazy contestants on American Idol. They really have NO IDEA how bad they are. And writers are especially hard on themselves. The fact that you don’t even know how good you are means you will always strive harder to be better, which is what makes a great writer. Sheesh.

Me: Oh.

MC: That was very helpful! Your mom has a great point and can I just say how great your parents are!!

Every time I think about quitting, I think that I’m giving up a future as a writer and will have to work in an office for the rest of my life – the same thoughts you have! I put so much emphasis on having humor and snappy wording for every single sentence, even though I know readers won’t scrutinize every sentence the way I do, but that’s just how I do it. I’ve had a lot of self doubt lately and that combined with the fact that I don’t have enough time anymore to visit my favorite blogs and commentors, made me come within a few minutes of sitting down and writing a ‘good-bye’ post last night.

ME: Oh I know exactly how you feel. I HATE that I don’t have the time I want and need. I’ve thought about giving up a million times. I am jealous when I see other people living the life I want to have, complete with all that free time.

And sometimes I feel like my office is beating all of the creativity right out of me. But, I don’t give up, because that means ‘THEY’ are winning. One thing is for sure, I will be dammed if ‘THEY’ ever own me. My whole life can’t be going to work, fulfilling my duties as a mother, watching TV to drown out the rest of my thoughts and dreams, and simply going to bed. What the hell kind of quality of life is that?

I have to do something, ONE THING, just for me. And as much as I torture myself over writing and about writing …writing is the one and only thing that I do, and that I have, that’s just mine.

Yeah I am lucky. My parents are great. BTW: I will jump off of a bridge if you ever quit blogging.

MC: I literally could have typed the email you just sent me – WORD FOR WORD!!!!!

I promise not to jump off a bridge if you promise not to 😉

I want to write for a living. I want to be around when my girls get home from school. I want to be able to go to Disneyland in the middle of the week. I want to have an editor and deadlines and a check in my hand because of something I wrote. I need to write, I need to be creative, but I need to be out of the office to do so.

ME: I know. So how do we get out of the office? And support our families, and keep our health benefits? No one went for my Apple Store Idea. Damn it!

MC: I vote for the Apple Store! I’m actively seeking an office gig at Disneyland. We’ll see what happens.

– And then we proceeded to joke and laugh and lighten the mood! –

The point of this post is to ask, how many of you guys feel like this? Or go through this? And if so, how do you battle against it and push yourself to get through it? How do you balance writing with your real life? How do you manage scheduling enough time to dedicate towards following your dreams? What do you do to keep yourself from giving up?

Nike has that slogan “Just Do It” which I have tried to implement when it comes to buckling down to working on my book. But, lately that’s not helping.

Alas..I will never QUIT writing. THATS WHO I AM